


Is There Such a Thing as Second Chances?

by ChiefDoctor



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/M, Heavy Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-12 12:36:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 101,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2110167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiefDoctor/pseuds/ChiefDoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Is there such a thing as second chances?</p>
<p>Can he forgive her?<br/>Will he ever trust her again with his heart?</p>
<p>Is it possible to go back and right a wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Is it Fate or Destiny or Just Plain Luck?

Looking into the mirror Alex is reminded that it has been a long run.  A fantastic, rave review run in a posh West End London theatre but a long run none the same.  It still surprises her how her career has taken off these past few years.  She no sooner finishes one project when she has to get ready for another.  She can never thank Sir Ken enough for his confidence in her.  His support, along with the amazing reception that Macbeth got in both Manchester and New York has been in large part what has resurged her career.  Her role as River Song making her a household word, especially in England, didn’t hurt any.

Yes, she knows that she is very fortunate to have been offered the amazing roles she has these past few years.  Still they are exhausting.  Looking at the tired woman looking back at her in the mirror she wonders why she couldn’t have gotten all these fabulous roles when she was younger and better able to handle the pace of it all.

When she remembers why she is at the airport this time a smile transforms her tired features.  ‘Her baby is graduating!’  She couldn’t be prouder.  She only wishes she could have been there more these past couple of years but most of her work had been in England.  Trying not to let the guilt erode her happy mood she adds a bit more concealer and powders her nose. 

In the main portion of the airport she usually tries to stay as unrecognizable as possible.  It’s not that she doesn’t like to meet up with fans but it can make navigating the terminal and getting to flights on time a bit of a bear.  Now that she is in the British Airways VIP lounge waiting to board her flight she’d like to look a bit more presentable.  Being confined on a plane you can’t exactly avoid fans if they want to talk with you.  She prefers that she doesn’t look like she’s near death.

Somewhat happy with the results she heads out to find a seat in the lounge area and wait for boarding to begin.  Digging around in her bag as she exits the ladies room of the VIP lounge she doesn’t notice the gentleman ahead of her until she bumps into him dropping her bag at their feet.  “Oh, I am so sorry.”  She scrambles to pick up her bag before looking at the man’s face.  “I wasn’t watching where I was going and………………………..Matt!”


	2. The Chance Meeting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the first chapter was fairly short (so unlike me!). So I wanted to put out the second chapter fairly quickly so you would have a better sense of what this story was about. I shall try to up date twice a week to keep the story moving.
> 
> *If you have gone through a recent or difficult break up this may not be the story for you right now. Lots of feels*

Standing before her with a bright smile on his face was Matt Smith.  Matt Smith who she hadn’t seen for four years now.  The same Matt Smith that she ‘set free’ four years ago.  “Kingston!”  He seemed genuinely happy to see her. 

“Matt!”  She couldn’t believe he was standing before her and she wasn’t sure how to react.  He reached in to give her a hug but it was awkward with only his one arm available and that was when she realized his other arm was full.  She looked down at the sweetest most cherub face with eyes that matched his looking back at her.

“Alex, I don’t believe you have met my daughter, Emma.”  He looks down at Emma.  “Emma, this is Alex Kingston the most gorgeous actress on the planet.”  Emma looks up at him with wide eyes then over to her.  Her hands reach in her direction but she is too far away for the baby to touch her.

Alex can’t stop looking at this beautiful child seeing bits of Matt looking back at her.  “Oh Matt, she’s precious.”  She dabs at her eyes trying to will away the emotions of seeing Matt with his own child.  She’s so happy for him.  This is what she wanted for him.  After all isn’t that why she gave him up in the first place?

“Thank you Alex.  I rather think so.”  He places a soft kiss to Emma’s head.  While Alex had been transfixed with Emma; he had been transfixed with Alex.  It didn’t seem to matter how much time had passed, how much both of their lives had changed; seeing her affected him as it always did.  Trying to push away his own emotions he asks, “So Alex where are you headed this time?”

“Huh, what?”  She seems overwhelmed by the simplicity of small talk when staring at Matt’s child.

“Well, I assume if you’re in the British Airways VIP lounge you are flying out somewhere.  Where are you headed?”

“Oh, sorry darling….”  Her term of endearment escaped her lips before she even thought of it.  It surprised her since other than Salome she has never said that to anyone else in years.  “Your child seems to already have me under her spell.”  _Just like her father_.

He smiles.  “Yeah, she does that.  Don’t you sweetheart?”  He pecks a small raspberry on her cheek delighted in her giggles.   Looking back to Alex.  “So you headed back to LA?”

“Um yeah, I am.  I haven’t been home in a while.  Salome will either be happy to see me or ready to shoot me.  I am at the mercy of her teenage hormones at that moment.”

He laughs.  “I’m sure she will be happy to see you.”  He says with a twinkle in his eye.  Emma starts to fuss a bit and he suddenly remembers what he was about to do.  “Um sorry Kingston but the princess here needs her nappie changed.  Can I catch up with you in a bit?”

“Yes, of course darling.  I’ll just be over there somewhere.”  She points vaguely to some seats by the window.  She watches as he passes holding his daughter like it is the most natural thing in the world.  It is easy to see that he is a hands on father.  Smiling she walks over to the tea trolley.  Without even realizing what she was doing she made a tea for herself and one for him, just the way he likes it.

Carrying the teas to the corner by the window she puts his down on a table between two comfortable leather chairs.  ‘There’s plenty of space on the floor if he wants to spread out a blanket for Emma to crawl on.’  She is immediately shocked that she would be having such domestic thoughts about Matt, and his child.  It’s been four years since she has seen him, her choice she knows, but still she can’t let herself fall back into the past.  In the next second she calms herself that she is just thinking like a mother would.

Clutching her tea she is staring out the window at the hustle and bustle of Heathrow when he clomps up behind her.  At the sound of bags dropping she turns around to see him arranging his saddle bag that she remembers from long ago, along with a decidedly pink nappie bag, and another enormous bag carry more of Emma’s stuff.  She has to smile remembering carting all those things about with Salome.  “They don’t travel light do they?”  She teases him.

He looks a little harried when he looks up and she almost feels bad for teasing him.  The teasing seems to put him at ease though, familiar ground.  “No, but then you woman never do!”  He teases back.  Coming over to where she stands he still has Emma tucked into his arm.  She seems quite content and happy to be there and he seems quite comfortable with it as well. 

“Hi there Emma!  Are you feeling better now that Daddy has changed your nappie?”  She tried hard to focus on the baby because after she said the word ‘daddy’ she wasn’t sure she could breathe anymore.  ‘Matt was a dad.  A dad!’  It’s not like she hadn’t known; she’d read the announcements.  Even if she had tried to miss them, Karen would have been sure to inform her.  But having him standing in front of her holding his child like it was the most natural thing in the world was more overwhelming than she would have anticipated it to be.

“Yes, I think she’s quite a bit happier which I am sure the passengers will be very grateful for.”  She giggled and he continued to look at her.  He couldn’t believe that he had run into her.  Of all of the times he had hoped he would, tried to, it never occurred to him that he would be holding his daughter in his arms when it happened.

It occurred to her that he was staring at her and although it felt nice; she felt uncomfortable none the same.  “Um, I made you tea darling.”  She pointed to the cup on the table.  “Shall we sit down?”  They move over to the companion chairs.  Matt expertly cradles Emma into his side as he carefully picks up the hot tea.  Taking a sip he makes a face. 

“Sorry……is there something wrong?  I thought I remembered how you liked it.”

“No, you probably did.  I just don’t use that much sugar anymore.  I’ve tried to cut back.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.  Let me make you another.  How much sugar do you use?  You know I’ll just bring it to you and you can make it the way you like.”  She quickly heads in the direction of the tea trolley.

“Alex, it’s fine.  You don’t have to.”  But she was already gone.  Matt looks down at his daughter.  “I think I’m making Kingston nervous.  What do you think Emma?”  Emma just looked up at him wide-eyed.  “I know she always does me.”  He says quietly just for himself and his daughter to hear.

Trying to focus on making tea she berates herself for how flustered he can still make her.  ‘Honestly Alex get a hold of yourself.  It’s been four years, a lifetime……………seems like yesterday.’  Walking back to the corner she carries the tea and several sugar packets.  “Here you go.  I left it bare so you could make it the way you like.”

He smiles as she places the cup and the sugars on the table.  “Honestly Kingston, it would have been fine.  I’d have lived.”

“Oh pish.  It won’t kill me to make you a cup of tea.”

“You’re too good to me.”  ‘If only that were true Matthew…..if only.’

She watches as he makes his tea with barely one sugar.  “My goodness, you have cut back.  Not even a whole one.  I’m amazed.”

“Yeah, well when I started working out for Terminator the studio hired me a trainer.  He tried to get me to eat healthier.  Cutting back on sugar seemed like a good idea with the amount of tea I drink.  I have to say I hadn’t realized how sweet I used to drink my tea.  God, it’s amazing I wasn’t on a sugar rush all the time.”

“Who says you weren’t?”  She mocks him.

“Oi!”  He tries maintaining a glare but he quickly breaks into a grin.

“So where are you heading dar….Matt?”  She admonishes herself for continuing to use his familiar term of endearment and vows she will stop.

He couldn’t help to notice her stopping herself from calling him ‘darling’.  His heart breaks a little at that.  He’d missed hearing it from her so much.  Remembering he was supposed to answer, “Um, actually we’re heading to LA as well.  The second Terminator movie is about to be released.  I have some promotion to do and then the premiere is in July.”

“Oh that’s exciting.  I heard the first one did rather well.”

“Yeah, it did, a proper blockbuster.  Did you get a chance to see it?”

“No, sorry I didn’t.  Those kind of movies aren’t really my cup of tea.”  Although there was truth to that statement; that wasn’t the real reason she hadn’t watched it.  She had made a point of avoiding any and all things where he was concerned.  “Salome saw it with her friends though and said you were fantastic.”

He tried to hide his disappointment that she hadn’t seen his big blockbuster movie.  He had closely followed her career both on stage and on television since they parted.  She would never know that he had seen her in every role she had performed these last four years.  “Well I’m glad the poppet got to see it. How is she?  Gosh how old is she now?”

“Seventeen.”

“No!  Really?  God, I feel old.”

She looks over at him horrified.  “If you feel old; I must be ancient.”

He chuckled at her.  “Hardly Kingston, you keep getting younger every year.  It’s just it doesn’t seem that long ago her and I were coloring on the studio floor.  How can she be seventeen?”

“Time flies by.  It seems only yesterday when she was Emma’s age and now she’s graduating from high school.”

“Graduating!?!  Already?”

“Yeah, it’s that time already.”  Alex gets a bit wistful thinking of how fast her baby girl has grown up, and how much of it she has missed.  “Enjoy this little one as much as you can.  The time will zip by and you’ll be sitting here wondering where it all went.”  She was making cutie faces at Emma but he can tell by the sadness in her eyes that she was thinking of Salome at this age and how she missed it.

He tugged Emma closer to his side.  “I plan to spend so much time with this little one that when I have to finally drop her off for her first day of primary school she’ll be like ‘good riddance’.”  They both laughed.

“Oh I don’t think she would ever think that.  It looks like she has you right where she wants you.”

Chuckling, he nodded his head to her.  “Isn’t that the truth!  Nine months old and already men are dropping at her feet.  Aren’t they?”  He looks down at his precious daughter making kissie faces at her.  She was busy making bubbles and trying desperately to pull her feet to her mouth.  “Truth be told she had me from the first minute I saw her.”  The look he gave Alex unnerved her as she remembered him saying a similar thing about her.

She hid behind her tea cup watching him interact with his daughter and falling in love with him all over again.

Trying to stop herself from going there she asked, “So what about Emma?  Would she like something to drink?”

“No, going to hold off on that.  If I can time it right, I like to give her her bottle during takeoff.  It helps her ears and a good bit of the time she will fall asleep.  That is always much appreciated by the fellow passengers.

She can’t stop staring at him.  She always knew he would be a great father but he has exceeded even her expectations.  “You seem to be quite comfortable traveling with her.”

“I’m used it.  It took me a while to get the hang of it but I’ve learned a few things since she was born.  She’s very good at letting me know what she likes and what she doesn’t.  I just had to get better at listening.”  She really doesn’t know what to say.  They sit in silence for several minutes allowing their attention to be diverted to baby Emma.

Over the loudspeaker the first group is being called to board their flight.  Having a baby with him qualifies him for the first group.  “Well that’s us princess, time to get on the airplane.”  Emma follows him with her eyes and smiles brightly as he gets up.  Looking over to Alex, “It was wonderful to see you again Alex.  I hope it doesn’t take a chance meeting for us to meet up again.”

She stands up next to him.  “Of course not dar..Matt.  Give me a call sometime.  We can do something.”  Her head shifts to look down at Emma.  “Now you be good for daddy.”  She kisses her little fisted hand.  Looking up at him she brings her arms around him for a hug.  “You take care of yourself.”  They may hold each other a few seconds longer than necessary but neither one of them say anything.  He’s relishing in the scent of her hair and the feel of her curls against his cheek.  The way their bodies still mold together catches her off guard giving her the thought of never letting go.

As they pull back from one another he quickly goes to gather his bags.  “Can I help?”  She offers.

He already has his satchel and the nappie bag on his shoulder.  “Um, if you wouldn’t mind, you could hand me the last one.”  Picking up the bag stuffed with what looks like Emma’s blanket and stuffed animals she places it in his hand.  “Thanks.”

Taking one last look at her he remarked, “I’m glad I ran into you today Alex.  I have missed you.”  She couldn’t miss the sadness in his tone despite the words.

“I am too.  I’m so glad I got to meet you too Emma.”  She tickles her little tummy and is rewarded with a large grin.  It’s easier to focus on the cute baby in his arms than on him so she doesn’t look back up.

As the silence begins to get awkward he announces, “Well we best get going.  It takes a while to get her all settled in.  Bye Alex.”  He turns and heads to the boarding gate leaving her to wait by herself.

“Bye Matt.”  She says to herself after he is long gone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	3. The Flight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me spoiling you all....three chapters in three days. Don't get too used to it. I just had a really great day and I wanted to celebrate by sharing with you. So here you go. It should answer some questions.....but will probably leave you with others.

It wasn’t long before they called the rest of the first class passengers for boarding.  Pulling herself out of her fog she gathered her bag and headed to the boarding gate.  Standing waiting to step foot on the plane with her ticket and passport in hand she wondered what the holdup was when she heard a man’s voice ahead of her.

“I did not pay these outrageous fees for first class to sit next to a baby for the next eleven hours.  I demand you move me!”  The cries of the suit clad businessman echoed down the jetway.  The flight attendant was trying to explain to the gentleman that the plane was full and there was no where else to move him.

Alex recognized the voice of the flight attendant as Janine.  She had flown with Alex many, many times in the past few years.  Alex excused herself to the front of the line and spoke directly to Janine.  “Janine, hi.  If it would help, I wouldn’t mind switching with this gentleman.  Babies don’t bother me.”

Janine gave her a most grateful look.  “Oh Ms. Kingston that would be so lovely of you.  You wouldn’t mind?”

“No, not at all.”  In the back of her mind she hears a protest of ‘What are you doing?’ but she quickly dismisses it.

Alex and Janine looked over to the blustering businessman.  “Would that be acceptable to you sir?”

The man seems a bit star-struck and Alex can tell he recognizes who she is.  “Um…yes..that would be fine.”

“Ok, if I could just see both of your boarding passes.”  They hand them to her.  Looking at the gentleman.  “I’m sure this will be acceptable to you as this seat is quite a distance from your previous one.”  She exchanges their boarding passes.  “Now let me show you where you will be sitting.”

She moves past him down the aisle.  “Ms. Kingston you are here.” Pointing to the first seat in the aisle, she continues to the back of first class.  “And here is your seat, sir.”

The man finally seems to recover his manners.  “Thank you, and please thank Ms. Kingston for me.”  She nods and heads back to the front.

Of course the seat in question is next to Matt, and baby Emma.  Silently she both curses her inner self and gives it a high five.  _This is going to be an interesting trip, that’s for sure!_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As she drops into her seat Matt looks over to her looking rather embarrassed.  He had to have heard the entire exchange.  “You didn’t have to do that Kingston.”  His face was flush and the red could be seen all the way to the tips of his ears.

She ignored his protests, “Of course I did.  I didn’t get near enough time with baby Emma yet.”  Sneaking a peek at him.  “Or you….”  She muttered softly those final words.

Whether he heard her or not she couldn’t be sure but a slow smile formed on his face.  “Did you hear that Emma?  Alex wants to get to know you.”  Moving closer he pretends to stage whisper into her ear.  “So no tricks like throwing up all over one of us, ok?”  Alex chuckled.

They begin to settle in as the pre-flight checks were being done.  Soon the plane is taxing towards the runway.  As the engines rev up she expects Emma to cry from the noise but Matt has timed the bottle for just that moment.  By the time the plane begins to ascend she is happily devouring her bottle seemly without a care in the world.  Matt however is gripping the armrest between them so hard his knuckles are white.  ‘Bless.  He still doesn’t like flying.’  Without thinking she reaches over laying her hand over his.  She instantly feels him relax beside her.

They are soon in the air and Alex slips her hand away hoping he doesn’t notice that it was there or at least acknowledge it.  He seems preoccupied with Emma.  After devouring her bottle he lays her over his shoulder after placing a small blanket there.  Alternating between light taps and rubbing circles on her back she rewards him with several amusingly loud belches.

Alex can’t stifle the giggle but does try to hide it behind her hand.  Peering over Emma’s head he glares at her.  “Are you laughing at my child?”  He chides her.

“Of course not darling.  She just reminded me so much of you; I couldn’t help myself.”

He sticks his tongue out at her then hides behind Emma smirking.  “Very mature example you are setting for your daughter!”  She teases.

“She didn’t see.” He says from behind her.  His routine of giving her her bottle at flight time and rubbing her back seemed to do the trick as she drifted off to sleep.

Of course this left Matt and Alex without a buffer to focus on.  They seemed at a loss for what to say.  The long silence started to eat at her.  Usually it was him who gave in first but she had been given this opportunity to spend some time with him and she really didn’t want to waste it.

Finally she decided to start the conversation.   “So do you live in LA now?” 

Startled at the sound of her voice it took him a few moments to answer.  “Well sort of…..we have a flat in LA but I still have my place back in London.  I seem to have taken to your travel habits flying back and forth more often than I like.”

“Yes, this flight can be a bear.  I didn’t have to do it too often when Salome was little and that was usually for holidays.  She was fairly self-sufficient by the time I was traveling back and forth seemingly all the time.  Do you travel with her often?”  She turned so she could face him even though his face was still hiding behind Emma.

“All the time.”  His voice sounded pained as if there was more to be said but he didn’t.

“Well she seems quite content with it all.”  She wished she could see his face but he seemed unwilling to move.  If this was because he thought it might wake Emma or because he didn’t want to face her she couldn’t be sure.  And then they were back to silence.

Eventually Matt coughed and when Emma didn’t stir he turned slightly so they could at least see each other.  “I’m always afraid to move when she first falls asleep.  Don’t want to jinx it.”  He seemed to be studying her. 

Becoming self-conscious she began to fuss with her hair.  “It’s fine.  Stop messing with it and just let me enjoy the beauty of your magic hair.”  He smiled broadly at her.

“Seriously?  Still?”

“Always.”  His answer made her throat go dry.

As if on cue Janine appeared with two champagne flutes on her tray.  “Ms. Kingston, thank you again for offering to switch.  You were a life-saver.  Please accept this champagne with my compliments.”

“Oh thank you Janine.  I was happy to do it.”  Noticing that there are two glasses she looks back up at her.  “Um I don’t think I need two glasses dear.”

“Well you are welcome to them if you like or I thought you might like to share them with the Doctor.”  She looks over to Matt.  Of course she knows who he is; she knows who she is.

Blushing Alex takes the glasses thanking Janine again.  “Well here you go dear.”  She passes him a glass his fingers brush her hand as he takes it from her.  She feels her pulse speed up with the grazing of his skin against hers. 

Her throat dry she is about to gulp it down when he says.  “I’m glad I ran into you today Alex.”  He pushes his glass towards hers to indicate that that was a toast.  Gently touching her glass to his, she smiles back at him.  “I’m glad you did too.”  They both sip at their glass watching the other as they do.

He watches as the golden liquid slips over her lips following it down her throat.  Feeling his eyes on her she turns to look at the front of the plane trying so very hard not to let those feelings she had so effectively stuffed into a box within her get out.  Looking back in his direction she realizes it may already be too late.

Their conversation seems to start and fade throughout the flight.  As soon as they seem to get their rhythm back with each other one or the other falters and the conversation grinds to a halt.  They manage to get through their in-flight meal before Emma wakes from her nap.  Both seemed to be relieved to have her to focus on again.

They manage to entertain Emma for nearly an hour and a half before she begins to get cranky.  The whole time she has been sitting on Matt’s lap while Alex played peek-a-boo or ‘tickle monster’ or other baby games.  He seems to know what the sour face and cranky moans need to be soothed but he can’t seem to find it in the large bag. 

Without thinking he hands Emma over to Alex so he can look further into the bag.  Finding his prize he turns to see Alex holding Emma in her lap.  The sight before him makes his heart stop.  Emma is looking up at Alex with wide sparkling eyes, she has managed to grab a fistful of her curls and is looking like she won’t be letting go anytime soon.  Alex seems to be just as transfixed with her as well.  Smiling at the baby she continues to talk to her and kiss her little fists.  It’s not until Alex glances at Matt that the spell is broken.

“What?”  She says looking at him.

“Nothing, really.  Just learning from the master…….like always.”

She replied.  “Oh you don’t need to learn anything from me.  I think you’ve got this down quite well.”

She heard him pull in a breath.  “Really Alex?”   She looks at him with disbelief.  “Do you really think so? Cause most of the time I have no idea what I am doing?”

She laughed a hearty laugh causing Emma to laugh as well.  “Welcome to parenting!  Truth be told none of us have a clue what we’re doing.”

“That’s not true.  You’ve always been brilliant with Salome.”  Her smile fades a bit.

“Not really darling.  I tried but most of the time I’m not sure I had any idea what I was doing until I did it.  Sometimes it worked; sometimes it didn’t.  I think that’s parenting in a nutshell.”

“You’re not really bolstering my confidence Kingston.”  Hearing her nickname from him gave her a warm feeling in her chest. 

She pulled Emma into her chest letting her grab more handfuls of curls.  Focusing on her she gave her little kisses on her cheek to which the baby squealed in delight.  “She likes you Kingston.”

Alex was busy making kissy faces to Emma when she replied.  “She’s probably just missing her mummy.”  When Matt didn’t say anything for several minutes she looked over at him.  He was quiet, almost pensive, turned away from them and staring out the window.  “Matt?  I’m sorry darling did I say something wrong?”

He shook his head but didn’t turn back to look at her.  When it was obvious he did not want to continue this conversation she focused back on Emma.  After what seemed a very long time he turned towards them again.  Talking directly to Emma, “Hey there princess we should probably go change that nappie.”  He scooped her up from Alex quickly heading to the lavatory, the nappie bag slung over his shoulder.

She replays the conversation in her head several times.  For the life of her she can’t figure out what she said to have upset him.  When he comes back he seems to be over it and she decides not to bring it up just yet.  After a little more quiet play he gives her another bottle and she falls soundly to sleep.  He places her on his shoulder next to Alex rubbing her back and patting her until he is satisfied that all the bubbles have been dispersed.

Leaning around Emma, Alex apologizes.  “Matt I’m sorry I upset you earlier.  I don’t know what I said but if you want to talk about it.”

He got that faraway look in his eye again.  “Not an airplane conversation.”  She nodded in understanding and sat back in her seat.  She was starting to settle into her seat for a sleep of her own when he asked.  “Alex would you mind handing me her blanket?  I forgot to get it out before we got all settled.”

“Of course darling.  Which bag is it in?”

“The big one.  It’s pink with ponies on it.”

She reaches into the bag finding it immediately.  “Would you like me to put it around her?”

“Thank you, yes that would be helpful.”  He smiles at her and she hope this means that she is forgiven for her earlier faux pas whatever that might have been.

He seems to be settling in with his cheek resting against Emma.  She can’t help but think how adorable he looks with her.  Back in her own seat she tries to find a comfortable position to fall asleep.  Without realizing it during the night she had settled next to Matt and Emma.  Her hand resting over his as he held his baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Emma who woke first cooing softly in her ear.  Hearing the morning coos of a baby her eyes opened with a start.  Looking straight back at her were Matt’s eyes in a tiny little body.  She smiled.  Emma responded by smiling back and reaching for a fistful of her curls.  ‘Just like her father.  She has a thing for the hair.’  She thought to herself as she watched over this precious baby.

Emma was starting to fuss a bit about having to lie still.  She looked over to Matt to see that he was sound asleep.  ‘Poor guy.  I remember the days with a young child.’  Without giving it another thought she removed Emma from his shoulder snuggling her blanket around him so he wouldn’t miss her warmth.

For a time she played quietly in Alex’s lap but then seemed to crave more movement.  ‘God, she is just like her father.  He could never sit still for long either.’  She smiled unclasping her seat belt taking Emma for a stroll through first class.  Most of the passengers were sleeping, a few had their tablets out reading or watching a film.  She noticed Mr. Business Suit happily asleep in a corner, a lush blonde leaning against him.  She couldn’t help to think, ‘Did you more than one favor then?’

They worked their way to the front of the cabin where the flight attendants were beginning to prepare breakfast.  Most just look up, smile at them, and go back to their preparations.  Janine however walks over to them grinning happily at the baby.  “So hey there little one.  Are you getting special treatment from Ms. Kingston?”

“Nothing special we’re just stretching our legs.”  Janine is busy playing patty cake with Emma as she talks.

Looking up to Alex.  “Is there anything I can get you?”

“Maybe a bottle water.  I seem to be a little parched.”

“And what about for the little one?  A juice perhaps?”

“Um, well….I’m not sure what she’s allowed.  So far I’ve only seen her drink her formula bottle.  Best stick with just water.”

“Oh, ok.”  Janine seems a bit confused but goes back into the kitchenette to get her the water.  She returns handing it to her.  “I’m sorry I guess I thought you and Mr. Smith were friends.  I thought perhaps that was why you had offered to switch seats.”

Alex’s skin flushes perhaps telling Janine everything she was trying not to say.  “Well we are friends.  I..I..just haven’t seen him much lately.”  She looks down at Emma.  “And this is my first time meeting his baby.”  Janine seems surprised.  Feeling the need to explain Alex says, “We’ve both been very busy.”  Janine only nods and Alex heads back towards her seat.

Looking at him sleeping so perfectly now she was restless.  She wasn’t ready to sit down yet and continued to walk the aisle speaking softly in Emma’s ear as she pointed out shiny objects that she thought the child might like.

He woke with a start immediately realizing that the pink blanket he was holding was empty.  His eyes go wild as they darted around the cabin as he simultaneously released himself from his seat belt.  Just as he bonked his head on the overhead compartment he saw them near the curtain leading to coach.  Alex’s back was towards him but he could see his daughter snuggled into her arms as obviously Alex was pointing things out to her.  He was overwhelmed with the intensity of the emotions he felt in that moment.  The panic of not knowing where his little girl was subsided but was replaced with……dare he think it……love.  Love for his child…….and love for a woman who broke his heart so very long ago….and yet not long ago enough.  Torn between gathering them both in his arms and hiding away; he chose that moment to go to the loo.

When she came back to their seats she was surprised that he was gone but didn’t think much of it beyond that.  Sitting back down, she took a drink of water.  Emma grabbed the water bottle causing her to spill some down her blouse.  Alex laughed, “My goodness you are just like your father, aren’t you?”  When he returned to his seat she was giving Emma tiny sips from her water bottle.

“So how is she like her father?”  He caught her off guard not realizing he had heard her.

“What?  Oh, your daughter spilled my water down the front of my blouse.  Remind you of anyone?”

He blushed remembering the coffee he spilled all over her when he first met her.  “Oh, um, really?  I was so hoping she didn’t inherit my clumsiness.” 

“Well it’s still early days.  There’s always a chance she’ll outgrow it.  Besides I always thought you looked adorable when you flailed about knocking things over.”  She teased.

She expected him to object or to at least be pouting when she looked over at him but the dark intensity in his eyes caught her completely by surprise.  Quickly looking back at Emma it occurred to her that she was letting Emma drink water without having asked.  “Um, I hope this is ok.  She seemed interested in it and its only water so I thought it would be ok.  The flight attendant offered juice but I wasn’t sure if she drank juice yet and……….”  She was babbling, that wonderful way she does when she is so so flustered.  He wished at that moment that he could stop her in the way he always loved to but ………….their days of him kissing her are long past.

Instead he places his hand on her arm.  She stills and looks at him.  “It’s alright Kingston.  She loves drinking water.”  A pause.  “But I imagine with all that liquid she needs a nappie change.   Don’t you sweetheart?”  Emma’s eyes light up as he comes closer to her, abandoning her water bottle to reach for him.  He scoops her up kissing her cheeks, then her hands, before placing a raspberry on her tummy.  She squeals with delight.  Reaching down he picks up the nappie bag in one hand, her securely in the other and heads for the lavatory.

Alex is again left to her feelings.  Her ‘they were supposed to be put away feelings’.  Her ‘we had dealt with those and moved on feelings’.  The ‘who is she kidding she never stopped loving him feelings’.  Realizing that last part left her near panic and not quite sure what to do with all her thoughts, her memories, and her blasted feelings rising to the surface.  When she saw him heading back to his seat she made the excuse of her own needs and took off in the direction of the lavatory.

Standing in front of the mirror she remembers what she saw just a few short hours ago when she applied her makeup.  The person in front her now seems transformed.  She is smiling and not just a polite smile but a ‘I am on top of the world a smile’.  Splashing some cold water on her face she realizes that she feels happy.  Happy in a way she hasn’t felt these past four years.  Yes, her career has been successful but she only had her daughter to share it with, and now her daughter is ready to begin her own independent life.  She won’t really need her much anymore.

‘Could Matt still feel the same way?  Is that even a possibility?’  She had hurt him; hurt him bad.  ‘Would he ever forgive her?’  Now there’s Emma to think about.  And her mother?  Looking at herself she finally came to a conclusion that had taken her four years to realize.  _She still loved him and probably would for the rest of her life._   Now the real question was: _what was she going to do about it?_

She reapplied some makeup and fluffed the parts of her hair that were flattened while sleeping.  Reemerging from the loo she felt like a new woman.  No sooner had she sat down when the flight attendants were serving breakfast.  She kept watching him out of the corner of her eye as he negotiated breakfast with a little one trying to steal bits of it.  Eventually he broke off a piece of his pancake for her and she seemed satisfied to gum on it for awhile.

“You know you really are very good with her.”  He looks in her direction.  “I know you have your doubts, all parents do, but you seem a natural at it.  Honestly.”

He coughs before answering.  “Thank you Alex.  That means a lot coming from you.”  He smiles.

“You’re quite welcome.”  The next couple of hours pass quickly and before they know it the flight attendants are preparing the cabin for their descent into LAX.

Matt had gotten the bottle out of her bag before taking Emma from her arms.  As they feel the plane begin to lower he like magic reveals the bottle to her.  She hungrily accepts it.  His hand then grips the armrest as he prepares himself.  This time when Alex lays her hand over his he looks over to her grateful that she is there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	4. LAX

As the plane is being fitted with the jetway and the cabin doors are opened Matt begins to gather their things.  He turns to say his good-byes to Alex but she surprises him by tugging the bigger bag from his hand.  When he looks at her surprised she just replies, “I only have my purse.  I can carry it for you.”  He doesn’t know what to say.  He was sure as soon as the cabin doors opened she would do what Alex does best….run.

But she doesn’t run, not at all.  When they get inside the terminal waiting in the customs line she says to him.  “Hold my place.”  Then she goes to the rent-a-trolley bringing it back to them.  She had already put the big bag on it, then she removes the nappie bag and his satchel from his arms adding them to it.  When he looks at her curiously she just says, “Well I figured we were going to need it later for the luggage anyways.”

‘We?!?!?’  How could such a tiny pronoun upset his whole world.  He honestly didn’t know what to think.  ‘Maybe she is just being polite.  She’s a mum.  She knows how hard it is to get around with a baby.’  He was trying desperately to rein himself in, to not let his mind and his heart go where it wanted to.

On their way to baggage claim they both stopped off in the restrooms.  They took turns waiting by the trolley as Matt changed Emma’s nappie and then Alex freshened up a bit herself.  As they were staring at the luggage traveling along the conveyer belt he recognized one of his bags.  Before he had taken two steps in that direction she had scooped Emma from his arms.  He was about to say something when Alex spoke to Emma.  “We’ll let daddy get the heavy bags while we watch the trolley.”

He came back with a rather large suitcase.  She was surprised as he usually traveled with a tiny travel case.  Sensing her surprise he grunted, “And this isn’t the only one either.  Do you still have the same bag?”

“Um yes, the purple one.”   He rolled his eyes.  “Hey you scoff but it’s easy to find on the luggage belt.”  He rolled his eyes again and bit back a reply.

The luggage loaded they head to the exit.  “Um, I didn’t think to ask is anyone picking you up?”  She asked hesitantly.  Somewhere in the back of her mind she remembered him saying ‘we’ have a flat.  Of course, ‘we’ is him and Emma’s mother.  She begins to bite on her bottom lip as she does when she is nervous.

He doesn’t seem to notice focusing on getting through the crowds with the least amount of jostling to his child.  “No, we’re taking a taxi back to my place.”  As if it finally occurs to him.  “Do you want to share?  I mean you don’t have to but we don’t live all that far from your place, assuming you still live in the same house.”  Now it’s him who is babbling and she can’t stop herself from breaking out into a grin.

“That would be lovely darling.”  He perks up at the reinstatement of his endearment and breaks into a grin himself.

“Ok!”  As he heads over to the taxi stand she takes Emma from him letting him take the trolley.  As he and the driver stuff the bags into the boot she settles Emma into the carseat that Matt had already installed.  As he gets into the car it occurs to him how natural this all feels, traveling with Emma and Alex.  Yes, he’s done it loads of times with them separately but never together.  Looking across Emma in her carseat he tells her, “Thanks for all the help Alex.  It’s so much easier with an extra set of hands.”

“Oh you’re welcome darling.  Honestly I don’t know how you can manage all this on your own.”

“You do what you have to.”  He sounds sad and resigned.  “So anyways give the driver your address first and we’ll be off.”

“Nonsense darling, this little one has been cooped up long enough.  Let’s get you dropped off then I can head off.  Salome’s at her dad’s until tomorrow anyways so I’m in no hurry.”

“If you’re sure?”

“I am.”  He gives the driver his address and the taxi finally heads out of the airport.

As their winding through the streets after leaving the highway she realizes what he said is so very true.  He doesn’t live that far from her.  ‘Why is that she wonders?’  ‘Maybe because he already knew this area because of her or………………?’  Her mind is full of questions when the taxi stops in front of quaint townhouse.  She notes that there are four townhouses together but seem to be quite a few of the quad homes all around them.

He jumps out of the seat to help with the luggage while she unbuckles Emma from her carseat.  He pulls their luggage up to the front of his garage opening it with a keypad on the side of it.  Inside the garage she sees that he has an Audi similar to the one he had in the UK, probably still has in the UK.  It makes her smile that he hasn’t changed too much.  She’s sure he could have bought a flashy car with his blockbuster movie but he’s still Matt.

He pops his head into the taxi unbuckling the car seat from the taxi seat.  “If you could just hold her for a few more minutes Alex?”  She waves him off, like it’s a hardship to hold a baby.  When he comes back there is sweat on his face and his shirt is starting to stick to him.  “Um, wasn’t sure.  Would you like to come in, for tea?”  Bless, he was so nervous.

“Thank you darling but I should be on my way.”  He nodded raising his hands to take Emma.  “Well little Emma you take care of your daddy for me, ok?”  She kisses her cheek before she hands her off to Matt.  “She’s beautiful Matt.”  He can’t help but smile in agreement.   “You’ve done a good job with her.”

His heart swells to hear Alex Kingston be proud of his parenting abilities.  “I learned from the best.”

“Yes, your mum is the best.”

“Well yes, but I was also talking about you.”  She gave him a look like ‘me?’  “Yes, you you daft woman.  All those times I watched you with Salome.  I could only hope some of it would rub off on me.”

His sincerity surprised her.  Managing to reply around the lump in her throat, “Thank you darling.  You know speaking of Salome you should come to her graduation party.  She’d love to see you…..and Emma.”

“Really Kingston?  I would love to see the poppet, course she might not want me to call her that anymore now that she’s all of seventeen.”

She laughed.  “It will probably depend on the day.”  When he looked at her curiously she remind him, “teenage hormones.”

“Ah, yes.”  The driver coughed in the front seat as if to wonder how long this was going to take.  “Well, I better let you go.  Text me the when and where…..I still have the same number.”  He got out of the taxi then ducked his head back in for a second.  “You remember the number?”

She paled slightly thinking about the times she wanted to delete it from her contacts but not being able to.  As if erasing his name from her mobile would in some way have erased him from her memory.  “No darling, I still have it.”  He nodded then had Emma wave “bye-bye”.

The taxi pulled out and she focused all of her self-discipline into not turning around to see if he was watching.  Arriving at her own house seemed rather lackluster now.  It only took a quick moment for the driver to place her bag at her front door and then he was off.

Walking into her home it seemed so empty.  Of course it always did when Salome wasn’t home but this felt different like it had been empty all along and she just hadn’t noticed………until now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	5. Reunion with Salome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapters deserve to be posted more frequently!

She is so caught up in being home that she doesn’t text him until the next day.  As she is preparing to pick up Salome she remembers she needs to send him the date and time for her graduation.  Scrolling through her contacts her breath hitches when she comes to his name.  How many times in the past four years has she just pulled up his contact info staring at his ridiculous face?

She’ll admit it has been less often in the past year or so.  She thought she was over him.  Shaking her head she knows after these past couple of days she is nowhere near finished with Matt Smith.  She’s nervous.  She’s not sure what to say in the text so she keeps it simple.

_‘Salome’s graduation June 10 th at 11am Party afterwards at my house.’_

She throws her phone in her bag as she heads out to Florian’s to get Salome.  She doesn’t even notice that he texted back within 30 seconds of reading hers.  Caught up in her thoughts and enjoying the sounds of country music while she drives in her own car keep her occupied until she sees her baby girl.

“Mum!”  Her daughter launches herself into her arms.  ‘Ah a good day.’  She thinks.  Salome is happy to see her and all is right with the world.  Her and Florian chat briefly about the graduation plans while Salome gathers her things.  She was hosting the graduation party after the ceremony.  This would be for family and friends; mostly adults.  He had agreed to host the teenage party for all of _her_ friends later that night.  She hoped he knew what he had gotten himself into but then he had been more parent to their daughter these last few years than she had.  She spent more time with him while Alex flew off to theatres and filming locations, mostly on the other side of the world.

Her things packed up in the car they headed back to her place.  Salome was talking a mile a minute letting her know all of the plans the ‘Seniors’ had for the next few weeks.  She envied her daughter.  She was at a starting point in her life.  The world was her oyster and she could make it whatever she wanted it to be.  Glancing over at her while she drove she thought, ‘And she will be amazing!’

Arriving home, Salome headed to her room to unpack while Alex headed to the kitchen to fix lunch.  She absently set her phone on the counter while she prepared them a salad and sandwiches.  Nearly ready Salome came bounding into the kitchen looking for a soda in the fridge.  “Mum, did you want one?”  She twisted a Coke in her hand?

She shook her head.  “No thanks, I think I’ll have some tea.”

Moving next to the counter Salome twisted the cap only for the soda to come streaming out.   “Ahh!”  She quickly grabbed a towel and started cleaning up the counter before it rolled down the sides of the cabinet.  Picking up her mum’s phone she hastily wiped it down.  While cleaning the phone the screen lit up and she saw there had been a text from Matt.  Now she didn’t know anything about anything but she had her suspicions where her mum and Matt were concerned.  She also knew that it been a very long time since they had talked or texted.

Her mum had her back to her so she tapped on the text message to see what it said:

_‘Looking forward to it Kingston!!!’_

What could he be looking forward to?  This inquiring mind wanted to know!  “Um, mum sorry I got soda on your phone too.”  Alex looked over to see her daughter with a towel in one hand, her phone in the other and soda still pooling on the counter.

“Oh Salome!  Give it here.  Is it still working?”  She begins to inspect it.

“I think so.  I accidentally fingered one of your text messages.”

“Oh!  I had a message?  I hadn’t really looked at it before I threw it on the counter.”  She reads the message from Matt.  She can’t stop the smile that forms before Salome sees it.

“So?”

Alex looks over to her daughter blankly.  “So what?”

“Oh come on Mum.  I’m not a little girl anymore.  I know there was something going on between you and Matt.”  Her breath hitches as her daughter continues.  “And I know something happened between the two of you that you didn’t talk for a long time.   So what gives?”

She tries to cover but she’s not sure how successful she will be.  “Actually I was going to tell you all about it over lunch.  Guess who I ran into at the airport?”

Over lunch Alex tells Salome all about running into Matt, meeting baby Emma, the business suit man, and their plane ride.  She ends by telling her that she invited him to come to her graduation party.

“Matty’s coming to my graduation party?”  Alex had to smile to hear her daughter calling him Matty again like she did when she was little.

“Is that ok?  I didn’t think you would mind but if you do I can tell him not to come.”

Salome looks over at her mother who now is looking extremely nervous.  “Why are you looking for an excuse to uninvited him?”

“What??”  She sputters. 

“You know what.  There’s a whole lot of this story you are leaving out like why you and him haven’t talked for ……what’s it been three years?”

“Actually four.”  She says before clamping her mouth shut.

“Exactly, so spill.  What happened between you?”

Alex got up and started to clear the dishes from the table.  “That’s enough cheek from you now.  I think you spend too much time with Karen.  I knew she’d be a bad influence.

“Oh rubbish!  Karen has been a good influence…..on both of us.  You’re just mad because I want you to be honest with me and you want to pretend like I’m still a little kid.”

She slams the dishes on the counter so hard one of the plates crack.  “Salome!”  She turns to see her daughter looking at her with sympathetic eyes.  It takes the fire out of her fury.  Coming around the counter she faces her.  “Look…..yes something happened between Matt and I all those years ago.”  She raises a hand in front of her.  “I don’t want to talk about.  I _will say_ that seeing him again was wonderful and easier than I thought it would be.  I would very much like for him to come to your graduation party if that is alright with you?”  Alex stands before her daughter shifting from one foot to the other like she needs her permission to move forward with her life.

Salome steps forward putting her arms around her mum.  “See that wasn’t so hard.  Of course I would like him to come to my party.”  Stepping back she kisses her cheek.  “I would also like you to be happy.”  Her hands on her shoulders Salome looks at her with intense eyes.  “Can you do that for me?”

At that moment Alex feels like the child and Salome the parent.  Without her permission her baby has grown up and is now trying to take care of her.  She smiles back at her and nods.  “I’ll try.”  She whispers.

Salome reaches around picking up her mum’s phone from the counter.  “Why don’t you start by calling or texting him back, and I’ll clean up from lunch.”

“Wait!  What?  You’re volunteering to clean?” She performs her best astonished face.

“Oh be quiet or I’ll change my mind.  Now go on…”  She pushes her out the back patio doors.  “…and tell Matty I said hi.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	6. Texting a Boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, like I said short chapters should be posted frequently. Honestly the only reason I didn't include this in the last chapter is that I wasn't willing to give up the chapter title. It was just too fun not to use!

She walks all the way out to the bed of English lavender before she presses the call button.  The phone still feels sticky in places reminding her to clean it better when she goes back in.  He picks up in two rings.  “h’Lo?”  His voice sounds sleepy like he had been taking a nap.

“Oh I’m sorry Matt.  Did I wake you?”  She could hear fumbling on his end.

“It’s ok.  I fell asleep when I put Emma down.”  He’s whispering.  “Just a ‘mo.”  A minute later he begins again in his normal sounding voice.  “Ok, I can talk now.  It took forever to get her off to sleep.  Her sleep patterns get so mixed up when we travel.”

She giggles in the phone.  “Oh the joy of little ones.”

“So what’s up Kingston?”

“Well, I was telling Salome all about meeting up with you at the airport.  She was very excited when I told her you were coming to her graduation.  So you have to come now.”

“Was there ever any doubt that I would come?”  She blushes, feeling like a school girl again.

“Well, I couldn’t be sure.  I wanted to make sure you knew she wanted you to come, and Emma.  She can’t wait to meet Emma and she told me to tell you ‘hi’.”

“Breathe Alex.”  She faltered in her walk through the garden and did as he asked, took a deep breathe.  “Better?”

“Yeah.  How?  How do you know what to say?”

“Because I know you Alex.”  He wanted to say more but decided to leave it at that.

“Um, thanks.”  She started to say something else but he interrupted.

“Hey Alex, I’ve got to go.  Emma is waking up and left her on my bed.”

“Sure, no problem.  Talk to ya soon.”

“Bye Alex.”

She holds the phone next to her chest for the next ten minutes as she continues to meander through the garden.  She doesn’t notice her daughter watching her from the patio doors nor does she realize she is wearing the soppiest grin every seen on a woman in her age bracket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyday.  Everyday he manages to call or text her during the two weeks leading up to graduation.  Sometimes it’s to send her a cute picture of baby Emma or to tell her something he just thought of.  When he calls it’s when the baby is asleep and although she tries to convince herself that he’s just bored or lonely she knows better.  He wants to talk to her and they do.  They talk about their mutual friends, projects that they have done, their daughters…….everything except anything about themselves.

The Friday before graduation he calls her with a question.  “Um, Alex I wasn’t sure about something so I thought it best I ask and not assume.”

“What’s that darling?”

“Well, I wasn’t sure if I was invited to just the graduation party or the graduation too?”  He asked obviously afraid he might upset her in some way.

She thinks about it…..what had she intended.  She supposes at the time she meant just the party but in the past two weeks they have reconnected (of a sort).  She had been going to go by herself.  Her parents couldn’t make it.  It’s too far for them to travel these days and Nicola’s son is graduating in a week so she is busy over there.  The idea of sitting next to Florian and his new wife all by herself didn’t sound all that appealing.   ‘Why not?’ Her brain asks her.

“I would be happy whichever you choose.  Would you like to come to the ceremony too?  It might be long for Emma to sit through though.”

She could hear his smile through the phone.  “Oh Emma will be fine.  If she can handle eleven hour flights she can handle a couple of hours for graduation.”

“Well then it’s settled.  I’ll text you the address to where it’s going to be held so you can put it in your GPS.”

He laughs.  “Wait.  How do you know I have a GPS?”

Now it’s her turn to laugh.  “Because I know you darling.  I know you.”  She echoed his words from a few weeks ago back to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	7. Graduation

“Salome, are you ready yet?” She calls up to her daughter for the third time.  “You’re going to be late to your own graduation.”

“No I’m not!” She responds as she is coming down the stairs.

Alex is transfixed.  ‘When did her baby girl become a woman?’ She was wearing a short medium blue dress that had one strap curved around over one shoulder.  Her hair was down with the curly brown locks flowing over her shoulders.  She had gone all out on the make-up and although she thought it might be a bit much for her age she chose not to have that battle today.  “Oh Salome, you look beautiful!”  She did a little twirl showing off her matching strappy heels.

“Do you really like it mum?”  At that moment she saw the 6 year old version of Salome asking if she liked her painting that she had just done.

“Yes, sweetheart I do, but that’s not what I meant.  I meant _you_ look beautiful!”  She stepped up to her daughter folding her into a hug.  When she started to feel the prick of tears she knew it was time to get going.  “We better get going or we’ll be late.”

“We won’t be late I’m telling you.  They told us to be there an hour before everything starts.  You’re going to be standing around waiting forever.  Trust me I’m doing you a favor.”  Alex rolled her eyes at her.  “Really?  So you wanted to spend an extra hour watching Kristin drool all over dad?”

Her smile faltered.  “Um, well when you put it like that…maybe we need to make a stop along the way.”  Salome laughed at her as they headed to the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dropping her off at the South entrance Alex managed to find a parking spot in short order.  When she entered the auditorium where the ceremony was held she was quickly greeted by Florian and his new wife of six months.  Alex hadn’t had to spend much time with her as she was always in another country it seems.  Salome seemed to like her but wasn’t overly fond of how possessive she seemed to be with her father. 

As they stood there waiting to be allowed inside she would wave and say hi to fellow parents whose sons and daughters had gone to school with Salome.  Between car pools, birthday parties, and playdates she knew many of them for at least a decade.  During a lull the silence grew between the three of them.  Alex thought this would be a good time to mention Salome’s style choices for the big day.  “Um, Florian just a word of warning Salome may be wearing a bit more make-up than either of us are comfortable with.”

“What?  Then why did you let her out the door?”

She looked at him like he had grown a second head.  “Because it’s her big day and I didn’t want to spoil it with a fight over something so trivial as make-up.”

“But Alex….”

“I only told you so you wouldn’t do the same thing.  Honestly its only make-up and we can both have a talk about it tomorrow but for today I would like for you to leave it alone.  Ok?”

He eyed her with a look that said he did not agree but acquiesced anyways.  “Alright, but I reserve the right to revisit this subject in the near future.”

“Understood.  I just don’t want her to hate us on one of the most important days of her life.”

“You don’t want who to hate you?”  It was the sound of Matt’s voice from behind her.

She turned to see him wearing a charcoal grey suit with a blue tie.  Emma was brightly dressed in a blue and white print sundress with white sandles.  She was sporting a blue bow in her hair.  “Hey you made it!”  She moved to hug him and tickle little Emma on her tummy.

“Well of course I made it.  I said I would be here.”  He looked a bit confused at her until he noticed Florian standing next to her with a younger woman hanging on his arm.

“Well I wasn’t sure.  It’s not always that easy to get out the door with a baby.  Oh where are my manners.  Matt, I think you know Florian but I don’t think you have ever met each other.”

“No, I don’t believe we had.”  Matt extends his hand to Florian who shakes it, “Nice to meet you.”

“And this is his wife Kristin.”  He shakes her hand as well.

“And who is this adorable creature”, Kristin says while looking straight at Emma.

“This is my daughter, Emma.  Emma say hi to the nice lady.”  Emma gurgled her fingers into her mouth.  Matt laughed.  “We’re still working on social etiquette; she’s only nine months old.”  Everybody laughed.

Oh the power of a baby.  She can make any awkward situation easier to bear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn’t long before everyone was herded into their seats.  Alex and Florian sat beside each other with Kristin and Matt on their outsides.  Alex helped him stow the nappie bag under the seat and to settle Emma in with her bear teething ring.  She looked over at him grateful for his very existence and for him being next to her on such an important occasion.

Soon the graduates were making their way into the auditorium.  Team Salome cheered for her when she came by and was shown up on the screen.  Baby Emma thought this was quite fun and started clapping on her own.

During the many speeches Alex let her mind wander.  She had been distracting herself with Emma but to her dismay she decided this was a perfect time for a little nap.  She thought of Salome, her life, how hard it had been to bring her into this world.  As much as she wanted her she has felt that she has let her down most of her life.  Matt called it her ‘mummy guilt’.  Of course what did he know he was barely an adult himself back then.

But now he’s a dad.  He has a child of his own.  He’s sitting right next to her!  Of everything today she finds hard to believe this is by far the biggest.  She remembers a time when they were lying in bed; he was drawing lazy circles across her back.  He was talking about the future, their future.  He talked about how he thought they belonged together.  He told her he saw himself beside her during important moments in their lives……and this was one of them!  “I want to be beside you as we cheer for Salome when she graduates from high school, then college.”

She had a sharp intake of breath as she remembered his words and the reality of them coming true.  He leaned into her, “Alex you alright?”

She felt his breath against her ear and it brought her back to the present.  She turned to him, “What darling?”

“I said are you alright?” 

She patted his arm, “Yes darling.  I’m alright.  Just a bit of nostalgia, that’s all.”

He nodded, checked on Emma in his lap, then turned back to the speaker at the podium.  She left her hand on his arm like it was an anchor tethering her to this world.  He didn’t seem to mind.

The speeches finish, the graduates are given their diplomas, and then they all process out of the auditorium.  As they all stand Alex states, “Well now comes the fun part, trying to find her in the crowd.”  Emma has woken up and is watching the crowd from Matt’s arms.

It doesn’t take them long to find Salome hanging out with some of her best friends.  Florian sees her first tapping her on the shoulder.  She whips around, “Dad!”  He pulls her into a strong embrace.

“I am so proud of you honey.  You did good.”

“Yes you did, congratulations.”  Kristin says genuinely giving her a friendly hug.

Alex can’t wait to congratulate her baby.  “Oh Mausi, you made us so proud today.  I know you will be amazing at university.”  Her arms hold her just a little longer, not really wanting this moment to end.

As she pulls back from her mum she spies Matt hanging back behind her. “Matty?  Is that really you?”  Just as she is about to launch herself into his arms he passes Emma off to Alex.  Salome forgets all about being sophisticated and seventeen throwing herself at him like she did when she was much younger.  He brings his long arms around her remembering when she didn’t come up to right under his chin.  “I can’t believe you came?”  She announces as she pulls back from him.

“I didn’t want to miss your big day.”  He says, the tell-tale sign of tears forming in the corners of her eyes.  They both hear the sound of Emma laughing and turn towards the sound.

She drags him over to her mum and Emma.  “Won’t you introduce us?”

“Of course.  Salome this is my daughter Emma.”  He takes her from Alex’s arms.  “Emma this is Salome.  She’s the one we were clapping for.”  As if on cue, Emma begins clapping.  They all laugh at that.

“Oh I think we have a future actress on our hands.”  Salome announces. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	8. Graduation Party

They all head back to Alex’s house for the post-graduation party.  She had everything set up for an indoor/outdoor picnic.  While they were at the ceremony the caterers came to set up the food tables, the drink stations, and small tables and chairs for the guests to eat at.  She was trying for a low key garden party vibe.  Neighbors, friends, friends of Salome with their parents would be coming and going throughout much of the afternoon.

As soon as Alex reached the house she was focused on making sure everything was ready.  Soon she was greeting guests and pointing them in the direction of food.  Salome was busy talking with everyone who wanted to give the graduate their congratulations.

So Matt was pretty much left on his own.  He and Emma wandered the house with him pointing out pictures to her, telling her stories that she will never remember but they were a way for him to remember.  He was remembering the times he came here as Alex’s friend, and the times he came here as her lover.  Now he was back as….what he wasn’t sure……………yet.

They wandered into Salomes room.  Emma seemed to like all the bright colors displayed there.  Across the room he was drawn to Salome’s rather impressive collection of Who memorabilia.  He recognized quite a few things he had given her himself.  As they were making their way back to the door his eye caught a glimpse of a photo on her desk.  Stopping he picked it up and smiled.  It was a picture of him with Salome.  Alex had taken it when they had gone to the London Zoo one Saturday they had free.  She is clutching the rather impressive sized panda bear he had gotten her.  Looking around the room he sees it sitting in her window seat.  Somehow seeing that he had an impact, however small it was, on her life filled him with pride.

There was a time when he thought he might be her step-father one day.  He certainly thought of her in that regard.  But that was of course before………………..  ‘Best not go there, not today.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As he works his way back into the main part of the house he hears a familiar Scottish screech and rolls his eyes.  Leaning down to little Emma he says, “Now were going to see your Auntie Karen.  Just remember she doesn’t mean to be as loud as she is.”  He heads out to the patio area.

Spotting the red hair ahead of him he sneaks up behind her.  He covers Emma’s ear with his hand pressing her other into his chest before saying, “Hey Moonface, keep it down you’re scaring the dogs three blocks over.”

She whips around her eyes as big as saucers.  “Matt!?!”  As expected she screeches quite loudly.  She quickly looks around to see where Alex is.

“Calm down, Alex knows I’m here.”  She cocks an eyebrow at him.  “Really, I promise.  She invited me herself.”  When he deems it safe he removes his hand from Emma’s ear.  That’s when she notices Emma tucked into his side.

“Oh, you brought baby Emma!”  She reaches out for her and Emma smiles happily, immediately grabbing a fistful of red hair.  “Nice outfit you’re wearing there today Ms. Emma.  Like the bow you’re a sporting there.  Daddy did good dressing you today.”

“You’re only saying that because you got her that outfit.”

“Not true. Although I do have excellent taste in baby clothes if I do say so myself.”  She gets Emma to give her a high five.  Looking over at him she sees him staring at Alex who is talking with some friends on the other side of the patio.  She rolls her eyes at him wondering if there _will ever_ be a time when he isn’t pining after Alex Kingston.

She smacks him on the arm, “So you going to tell me how you got yourself invited here today?  And by none other than Alex herself?  The last I heard you two weren’t speaking to each other.”

“Yeah, um, let’s take a walk.”  They stroll off the patio onto the meandering paths that weave around Alex’s patches of flowers.  After a few minutes he finally starts talking.  “Two weeks ago when Emma and I were coming back from the UK I ran into Alex at the airport in London.  Well technically she ran into us.  Anyways we had a cuppa in the British Airways VIP lounge while we were waiting for our flight.   As it turned out we were on the same flight to LA.  She wasn’t assigned the seat next to me but when the man who was complained that he didn’t want to sit next to a baby for eleven hours Alex switched seats with him.” 

He ran his hands through his hair.   He wasn’t used to having both his hands free but Emma seemed perfectly content in Karen’s arms.  “We talked not really about anything important but I don’t know it was like we remembered our friendship.  She helped me with Emma and it was just nice.”  She looks up to see him wearing that besotted look again and rolls her eyes.

“I figured as soon as the plane doors opened that she would bolt but she insisted on helping with Emma’s bags, got us a trolley, held her while I got the luggage, and then we shared a taxi home.  It was all very civilized.  Just before she left for her place she invited me to Salome’s graduation.”

“Wow, I didn’t think I would ever see the day where the two of you could be in the same room together.  So what do you think this means?”

He blows out a deep breath.  “Damn, if I know.  I mean I’d be happy if we could be friends again.  I miss her.”

“Yeah, but can you be content with _just being_ friends?”

He gives her a look and then continues to walk along the path.  His arms feel empty.  He reaches out for Emma to fill them.  Karen relinquishes her hold on her.  “I don’t know Karen….maybe.”

“But you want more?”                                                                                                                                                 

“Of course I do.  You know I do.  I still love her.  God help me I still love her.”  He walks ahead faster leaving Karen behind.  She lets him, knows he needs to work some of this out for himself.  Slowly she comes up behind him where he stands staring out at the distant city below them.  She wraps her arm around his waist and leans into his shoulder and just holds him.

“What do I do Kaz?”  His voice low, barely sounding like himself.

After a really long time Karen finally answers him.  “You don’t do anything Matt.”  He looks at her incredulously.  “I mean it, you don’t do a thing.  This was Alex’s doing.  If she wants to change things between you; she has to be the one to do it.”

“You don’t mean……”

“Yeah, actually I do!  You know I love Alex; I really do but what she did to you was wrong Matt.  If she wants to repair this relationship to friendship status or more it has to be up to her.  I think you have groveled enough.”

He wraps his free arm around her shoulders and leans down placing a kiss on her forehead.  They stand there for a long time just staring out at the city until Emma starts to get fussy.  “I should probably get her home.  She needs a proper nap.”  She nods at him and they turn around heading back to the rest of the party.

Alex is talking with her neighbor when they come up to her.  “Alex, I’m going to head out.  The wee one needs a nap.”

“Excuse me Harold I’ll talk to you later.”  Turning to Matt, “Do you have to leave so soon?  I feel like I’ve barely gotten any time to talk to you.  She could nap upstairs in my room.”

Karen could see he was conflicted and as best she could tell Alex was being sincere.  She suggests, “Um Matt, do you still have the playyard in the boot of your car?”

“Oh yeah I do, that might work for a nap.”

Alex looked delighted.  “Why don’t you go get that darling and we can set her up in my room.  It’s quiet, furthest from the back garden.”

“Ok.”  He hands Emma back to Karen.  “Don’t let her fall asleep yet; she’ll need her nappie changed.”  Karen’s eyes grow wide.  “Don’t worry I wasn’t asking _you_ to change it!”

He goes to his car to retrieve the playyard while Alex, Karen, and Emma head up to her bedroom.  When he gets to the doorway of the bedroom he stops still.  The last time he was in this room races through his mind:  the frantic removal of clothes, their hot mouths against each other’s, the declarations of love, and the absolute bliss of their bodies sating one another. 

Shaking his head he tries to will away the thoughts before passing the threshold.  With expert agility he sets up the playpen, changes her nappie, and gets her to sleep.  He motions for them to go on back to the party.  He wants to be sure she’s asleep before he leaves.  Luckily the baby monitors were still in the playyard from when he used it last time so he’ll be able to hear her even from outside but he’s not ready to leave her side yet.

They leave him watching over his child.  The centurion would be proud.  In the hallway Alex tells Karen to go on without her.  Karen looks at her a long moment trying to determine what is really going on here.  Unable to read her she pulls Alex into Salome’s room and closes the door.  “Alex, what are you doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“I think you know what I mean.  I didn’t say much when this all went to hell four years ago but I’m not going to stand by this time.  What do you want with Matt?”  Her gaze was sharp and piercing.  Alex could not miss how serious she was in her question.

Alex moves over to Salome’s bed and sits down.  “I don’t know.”  Karen huffs and flops on the bed.  Alex turns to talk to her.  “Karen before I ran into him at the airport two weeks ago I thought I had dealt with these feelings.  I thought I was over him but that was a lie.  A big fat, ridiculous lie!  All it took was sitting next to him for eleven hours on a plane for me to know that.  Hell, who am I kidding?  I barely made it through a cup of tea.”  She rubs her fingers between her eyes.  “Karen, what do I do?”

Karen lays there listening to the same question being asked of her in the past hour.  “What do you want to do?  Not what _you_ think you _should do_ but what you _want_ to do?”

Silence fills the room for a while before Alex finally answers.  “I want him back.  Oh God Karen, I want him back.  I was so stupid.  I love him.  I always have.  I was just so stupid.”  Karen stares at the ceiling but says nothing.  “Am I too late?”  She asks imploringly of Karen.

Karen turns on her side so she can face Alex.  She takes a deep breath.  “Alex that’s not for me to say.  Only Matt can answer that question.  But you need to know, I mean really know that he can’t go through this again.  You gutted him last time.”  Alex winces.  “I’m sorry I know this isn’t pretty but you need to hear it.  Darvill, Harry, and I held him together for a long time.  Then he got involved with whatshername.  We thought he was doing well and then that……well then that happened.”

“What happened?  I have no idea.”

Karen shakes her head.  “You’ll have to ask him.  That’s his story to tell but just let me say that the only thing keeping him together this past year is Emma.  She’s the light of his life, his reason for living.  So what I am saying to you Alex is that whatever plans you have for Matt you better be damn sure of them because I don’t know if he’ll survive another heartbreak.”

Alex nods her head responding quietly.  “I understand.  I promise I’ll be careful.”

“Thank you Alex.”  She sits up giving her a hug.  “You know I love you both, right?”

“I do.”  She hugs her back.

Karen gets up from the bed.  “Well we should be getting back to the party.” 

“Yes, we should.”  Alex wipes her cheeks of some stray tears.

Alex follows Karen out of the room and down the hall.  “I thought you were going to go talk to Matt?”

Shaking her head she says, “No, your right Karen.  I need to be careful with his heart.  Let us see how we do being friends again before I push for more.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

About ten minutes after they come down Matt joins them.  “So what’d I miss?”

“Not much stupid face.”  He sticks his tongue out at her and she laughs.  It’s what they do, who they are.  Alex watches wanting to be a part but knowing why she’s not.

“Can I get you a beer or a wine, darling?”

“Um, uh no I don’t really drink much anymore.” 

Alex stares at him.  “Really?”

“Is that really so hard to believe?”

“Well, a bit.  I mean it seemed like that’s all we did in Cardiff.”

He laughed.  “Yeah well it was Cardiff, there wasn’t much else _to do_!   But as I recall that’s not all _we_ did in Cardiff.”

She blushes and smacks his arm.  “What?  I was talking about filming Who. I don’t know what filthy things your mind was conjuring up.”

She glares at him because she knows he knows exactly what kinds of filthy things she was conjuring up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He stays through the afternoon.  He, Karen, and Alex reminisce about their times together on the set of Who.  Much of the party has gathered around to hear their stories so they try to outdo each other getting more and more outrageous with each tale.  It isn’t long before he hears Emma fussing on the monitor.  “Oh well that’s my cue.  Don’t talk about me when I’m gone.”  He turns to head indoors.  So of course that’s exactly what Karen does, tells an embarrassing story about him as soon as he is out of earshot.

He hurries to get to Emma before she gets upset.  He imagines it might be frightening to wake up in an unfamiliar place.  As he is walking up the stairs he hears another voice over the monitor, Salome’s.  “Hey there little one.  How are you doing?”  He smiles.  His two girls together.

He can hear the sound of her music ball being shaken.  “Oh you like that huh?  Would you like to play with it?  Here you go.”  The sounds of his daughter squealing and shaking the musical ball fill the monitor.

He’s almost to the door when he hears, “So your daddy?  What’s going on there?  Mummy won’t tell me anything but I know.  I wasn’t as oblivious as she thought I was.  I know that your daddy and my mum loved each other.”  He sucked in a quiet breath as he continued to listen on the monitor.  “I could tell how much happier she was when he was around, so was I.  There was a time I thought he might be my step-daddy one day.  Just think then you could have been my sister.”  He leans back against the wall outside the room trying to calm his breaths.  She was speaking out loud his own dreams and they pained his heart to hear that they were hers too.

It was obvious that she had picked Emma up as she was pointing things out in the room.  He was surprised when she was showing Emma a picture of the three of them.  ‘Alex keeps a picture of us in her bedroom?’ He was trying to come up with a plausible reason for it other than the obvious when he heard Salome say, “And if your daddy really wants to hear what we’re saying he should just come in the room.”  Busted.

Sheepishly he appears around the door.  “Um, hi!” 

She laughs then walks over to him.  “See Emma there’s daddy.  I knew he would get here eventually.”  He takes Emma from her arms kissing her little cheeks.  Laying her on Alex’s bed he changes her nappie while Salome watches making faces.  He picks her up but is surprised when Salome sits on the bed.

“Matty, can we talk?”  Hearing her call him that straggles his heart and he would do whatever she wanted.  Reminds him of another little girl’s hold on him.

“Of course poppet, whatever you want.”  He goes to sit down next to her.  “It’s alright that I still call you poppet isn’t it.  I mean I know you’re all grown up but you’ll always be ….my poppet.”

She giggles in a way that sounds much younger than her current years.  “Of course you can.  I would be sad if you stopped.  Of course then what do we call this little one?”  She turned towards Emma.

“Ah well, she’s my princess.”

Salome smiled.  “Yeah, she is.  I still can’t believe you’re a dad.  It’s so hard to believe.”

“Oh I don’t know, not that hard.  I had a lot of practice with another little girl I once knew.”  He put his arm around her.  He caught sight of the three of them in the mirror above the dresser.  His two girls, one for each arm and smiled.

“So what happened, Matty?  What happened between you and my mum?”  She was looking at him with serious eyes.

“Um, I think that’s something you need to talk with your mum about.”  He was nervous so he tried focusing on Emma instead.

“Now I know you heard me talking to Emma.”  He blushes.  “She won’t tell me anything.  I’m not a little girl anymore.  Matty, tell me the truth.”

                                                                                                                                         

He blows out a breath then looks over to her.  “Salome you’re right you’re not a little girl anymore but there are some things that are private.  What happened with your mum and me was private, very private.”

“So something did happen between the two of you?”  Her tone was softer, friendlier.

He made the mistake of looking up into her eyes.  He saw the same regret he often saw in his own.  “Yes poppet.  You’re mum and I loved each other very much.”

“Then what happened?”

That is the question he has been asking himself for four years now.  “I don’t really know.”  She gave him an incredulous look.  “No, not really.  I thought we were happy.  I know I was happy then one day she ended things.  That was it for her.  She wouldn’t take my calls, answer my texts.  I even sent her letters.  I never heard from her again.”  Salome wound her arms around him and Emma.  “Honestly if we wouldn’t have run into each other by accident two weeks ago I don’t think I would be here now.”  They sat there holding each other distracting themselves with baby Emma.

“So why are you here Matty?”  She moves back so she can face him.

He can’t look at her so he focuses on Emma’s hair bow.  He’s been asking himself that all day, actually the whole past two weeks.  “I….I…want to know why.  No, I need to know why.  I have tortured myself these past four years going over and over our relationship to figure out where I went wrong.  I’ve never found it.  So I guess I need her to tell me what it was.”

“Why?  I mean won’t that just hurt more.”  Salome was always wise beyond her years.

He runs his hand over his face, then through his hair like he does when he is nervous.  “Closure…..I guess.  I don’t know.”

“Or maybe you’re hoping …….for something else?”  When he looks over he sees his own hope mirrored on her face.  He had never realized how much he and Salome were alike.  Maybe that is why they always got on so well.

A nervous smile forms on his face.  “Maybe….”  Salome brightens at the possibilities.

“Well, what do you say we rejoin the party?  Would you like that Emma?”   Emma claps at that idea.  They rise to head back downstairs.  She stops him at the door with a hand on his arm.  “For what it’s worth….I don’t think she ever got past you either.”

He looks astonished at her, “But…she…”

“Yeah, I know.  Sometimes she’s her own worst enemy.”  With that she headed down the hall leaving him to decide what that means.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With a bottle tucked into his trousers he heads back downstairs.  As he walks through the living room Florian and Kristin are saying their good-byes.  He hears them talking about getting home to prepare things for the teenagers party.  Matt comes over to say his good-byes.  “It was nice to finally meet you Florian.  I have heard so much from Salome over the years it was surprising that this is the first time we’ve met.”

“I know.  It was always Doctor Matty this and Matty that.  For a while I thought you lived with us.”  They both laughed.

“Well she’s a special girl….well young lady now, I suppose.”  Florian could see Matt was having a hard time seeing Salome as anything but a little girl.

“Yeah, I have a hard time remembering she isn’t six years old and still needs me to tie her shoes.”

“Well, at least you have had time to adjust.  She was thirteen the last I saw her before today.  I feel like I have traveled in time.”  Florian laughs heartily at him.

“Before you know it she will be traveling across the pond for university.”

“Oh, where is she going?  She didn’t say.”  He asks genuinely curious.

“Oxford.”

Matt’s eyebrows raise.  “Really?  Impressive.”

“She’s always wanted to go there ever since we visited the campus when she was seven.  I’m glad for her but god I’m going to miss her.”

“Well if you think it would help I could check up on her when I am in London?”

Florian smiles at that.  “I think she would like that and it would help me to know there was an extra set of eyes looking out for her.”  He puts his hand out to shake Matt’s.

Shaking his hand.  “I would be happy to.”

“Happy to what, darling?”  Alex sidles up next to them looking curiously between the two.  She can’t imagine what the two of them could be talking about.

He smirks at her.  “Oh, Spoilers Sweetie!”  They all laugh but Alex narrows her eyes at him letting him know she _will_ be asking him more about this later.

Matt leaves her to say her good-byes to warm up Emma’s bottle in the kitchen.  Walking out to the patio he sees Karen sitting on the chaise looking out across the yard.  “There’s your Auntie Karen.  She’s been dying to give you your bottle.”  Karen looks up as he plops Emma in her lap, handing over the bottle at the same time.

“Well you’ve been gone _forever_.  I thought maybe you left.”  She positions Emma for her feeding smiling down at her as she hungrily drinks her formula.

“I ran into Salome.  We talked for a while then said good-bye to Florian.”  She raised an eyebrow.  “You know he’s an ok chap, at least when it comes to Salome.”  He changes the subject.   “Hey did you know Salome’s going to Oxford University?”

“Yeah, I did.  She’s been talking about it for ages.  I was glad she got her first choice for uni.”

“Yeah.  So do you see her a lot?  You’ve never said anything about Salome or Alex to me.”  He looks over to her watching her watch his daughter.

“When I’m in town.  Now that she’s older her and I will go shopping together.  Alex seemed grateful to be left out of it and Salome and I enjoy the hunt.”  He smiles remembering the times Alex had been ‘dragged’ shopping by Salome.  “I never said anything because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

He kinda choked on that knowing it would have hurt to have heard about them and not be able to be a part of their lives.  He reaches out laying his hand on her leg, “You were right not to.  It would have hurt too much.”

“And this isn’t?  Honestly Matt, what are you doing here?”

He turned to look out over the garden.  He remembers helping to plant some of them.  Him and Alex side by side tossing dirt at each other, him tickling her, pinning her down into the grass, and kissing her for all he’s worth.  He shakes his head trying to will the memories away.  Turning back to her he can’t meet her eyes.  “I don’t know Karen.”  His hand rubs his face, then pushes through his hair. “I suppose I thought if I came here, faced this place with all its memories, faced Alex that I could let it all go.  That I could finally let her go.”

“And can you?”

He looks her in the eye now.  “Not one damn bit!”

“Oh Matt, what are you going to do?”  That’s all Alex could hear before she bolted from the other side of the patio door to her bedroom.  Quickly shutting the door she fell against it trying to steady her breathing.

She always heard that you never hear good things about yourself when you eavesdrop.  How right they were.  Flopping down on the bed she stares at the ceiling.  How many nights has she stared at this same ceiling wondering about Matt.  When they had gotten together she knew he was in love with her.  She loved him too but she never committed fully, not the way he had.  She always had an exit strategy in place so she couldn’t give him her heart completely or she’d never be able to execute it when it became necessary.  It had become necessary.  At least that was what she had decided.  When Karen and Arthur were leaving things shifted between all of them.  Matt seemed ready to embrace a more stable life, one he could share with Alex, while his friends were moving on in their lives as well.  He wanted them to live together not just share each other’s flats but get one flat for the two of them.  He wanted to build a life…..with her.

She knew he was too young to know that a life with her would not be what he wanted.  Eventually he would figure that out but by then it would be too late for Alex.  So she executed her exit strategy.  She told him that their time together was wonderful but that they could never be anything long term.  She was giving him his freedom so that he could find someone to truly build a life with.  She then got on a plane refusing his phone calls and his texts.  When his letters came she couldn’t bear to send them back or leave them unopened.  Unlike the calls or texts he would never know if she had read them or not.

When the first one came she carried it around with her for three days before she finally opened it.  She knew it would hurt but resistance finally became futile and she opened the envelope.  He should have been angry.  He should have told her he hated her but he didn't.  Page after page was him telling her how much he loved her.  She clung to the pages for months but she never called him, never wrote him back.  She let him think she was over him.

Turning onto her side the tears running over her face, “Oh Matt, I’m so sorry.”  She then cried for the next half hour.  It wasn’t until Salome came looking for her did she finally force herself to stop.  Pulling herself together she headed back downstairs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	9. The After Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning* Tissue Alert.....You have been warned!

There weren’t many folks left at this point; a few neighbors and Matt and Karen.  Salome was getting ready to head to her dad’s for her other party.  She picked up a bottle of red wine on her way to the patio.  “So who needs a refill?”  She asked in her most chirper voice.

Matt, Karen, and Emma rose from the chaise.  “I think we’re heading out Alex.  It’s getting late.”

“Nonsense the night is young.  I can’t believe you two want to call it a night and the sun’s still out.”

“Yes, but Emma….”

“Emma is fine.  She won’t do anything differently at home that she can’t do here except she’ll have more playmates than just you.  You should really take advantage of this age.” 

He was trying to decipher the look on Alex’s face.  It was inviting, but there was something more.  He looked over to Karen who gave him a noncommittal look as if to say this was totally up to him.  “Ok, I suppose we can stay a little longer.”

“Thank you darling.  I’m looking forward to it.”  She went to the drink station getting fresh glasses and poured wine in each.  Coming back she handed one to each of them, and kept one to herself.  “Now I know you aren’t drinking much these days but enough for a toast, surely?”  He nodded.

She placed her glass in the middle and they followed suit.  “This day is an ending of high school for Salome, and a beginning of the rest of her life.  I hope that it can be an end for us too, the end of hurt and tears.  I hope that it can be a new beginning for all of us where we cherish each other into the future.”  Matt pulled a breath but refused to let his eyes stray from Alex’s.  Her eyes too watched him without blinking.  Karen just looked back and forth between the two of them wondering ‘what the hell?’  The clinked their glasses taking sips of their wine.

For Matt this had been the first alcohol in over a year.  He felt the need to keep his wits about him and had decided that drinking was _not_ helping in that department.  He had drunk about half the glass before he looked for a place to deposit it.  Karen, the blessed Scottish, could drink until the cows came home and still somehow be able to walk, albeit crookedly, but still ably.  Alex, he knew from experience would be fine for a while then she would get very melancholy.  This was also a time when she was most honest with her feelings.  At that moment, he decided he needed to stay for that.  He needed to know how she truly felt.  Like he told Salome closure or something more, he had to know.

The remaining neighbors gathered their chairs on the patio as they all told stories about Salome, and sometimes Alex for everyone’s amusement.  Alex didn’t seem to mind laughing along with each, sometimes offering her own part of the story.  It was getting late.  Emma has been asleep in his arms for the last hour.  “Matt, why don’t you put her down in the playyard?  I’m sure she’d be more comfortable.”

“Oh we should probably get going anyways?”  He says but not with any real conviction.

“What’s your hurry?  She’s already asleep.  Just lay her down upstairs, you have the monitor.”  He looks over to Karen who again leaves it up to him.

“Ok, she’ll need a change though that might wake her up.  So if I ‘m not back right away that might be why.”  He gently lifts her as he heads into the house.

“I’ll help.”  Karen says and follows him inside.

He doesn’t say anything until they are inside Alex’s bedroom.  “You’ll help?  Since when?”

“Oi!  I’ve helped plenty this past year.”  She starts to shove him when she remembers he’s holding the baby.

“I think there is a onesie or maybe even a pair of jammies in the nappie bag.  Can you look?”

She manages to find a pink onesie that can double for sleepwear while he changes her nappie.  They slip it on her and she barely rouses.  “I think it’s been a long day for her.  She’s not used to all this excitement and new faces.”  He lays her in her playyard watching over her as her breathing settles into a sleep pattern.

Karen watches him in the dim light of the room.  “Are you going to be alright?  We don’t have to stay.  We can pick Emma up right now and head to the car.”

He looks up at her.  “But where would that leave me Kaz?  In the same place I’ve been stuck for the past four years.”

“You weren’t always stuck.”  She almost regrets her words as soon as she says them.

“Don’t.  Just don’t.  I can only deal with one broken heart at a time.”  She nods, looking apologetic.  They both watch baby Emma sleep.  She’s such a blessing amongst all of the turmoil that has been his life these past years.  Karen wonders where her friend would be if whatshername had had her way.  She shudders thinking about it.

“I know Karen that this might not turn out the way I would like but even then I would have my answer wouldn’t I?  There’s so much she left unsaid.  I need her to fill in the blanks.  Maybe then I can finally let her go.”

“Or……”

“Or…..”  They both nod in understanding.  Satisfied that Emma will sleep until the middle of the night at least he grabs the monitor and they head out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they come back down Alex is alone, all of the other guests have left.  “Where’d everybody go?”  Karen asks.

“Oh they all headed home.  It looks like it’s just us to keep the party going?”

“Would you like some help cleaning up?”

“No, no.  I’ll take care of it tomorrow.  The caterers already put the food away and they’ll be by tomorrow to pick up the tables and stuff.  Get something to drink and sit and relax.  How often do you two get to do that with your busy lives?”

“Hardly ever!”  She pours herself more wine then flops back down on the chaise letting her red hair hang over the edge.

“True enough.  I thought the Doctor’s schedule was brutal.  Try doing that then come home to a baby every night.  I really should audition for one of the zombie movies ‘cause I think I have that look down perfect.”

Karen cackles.   “Oh god I’ve seen that look on you.  You wouldn’t even have to go to make-up in the morning!”

“So you have Emma with you a lot?”  Alex asks innocently.  Immediately she feels the tension in the air double.  “I’m sorry did I say the wrong thing?”

He plays with the tab on his soda can.  “No, you didn’t.  It’s just a touchy subject.  You wouldn’t have known that.”

“I’m sorry darling.”  He nods at her then takes a drink of his Coke. 

“Emma lives with me full-time.”  That’s all he said and he didn’t look like he wanted to add more.  Alex looked over to Karen who subtlety shook her head letting her know not to go there.

“Well isn’t she a lucky baby having you all to herself.”  She tries to lighten the mood and it seems to as he cracks a smile, probably thinking about Emma. 

Trying to change the subject Karen asks, “So what project do you have up next, Alex?”

“Oh I’m doing a play in New York.”

“On Broadway?”  He asks.

“More off-Broadway, maybe even off-off-Broadway but I am very excited about it.  It’s written by an up and coming playwright.  We may be a bit ahead of our time.”

“Oh like those weird plays you and Arthur like to go to.”  He teases.

She sticks her tongue out at him and he howls.

“Alex, what’s the name of your play?”  Karen inquires.

“It’s called ‘ _Saturday Night at Aunties’_.”  Karen starts to cackle.

“What?  What’s so funny?”  Alex looks over at her oddly.

“Oh nothing!”  She tries to look innocent but that is one look that Karen Gillian could _never_ pull off.

“Oh come on Kaz, you can’t leave us hanging.  What’s so funny?”  Matt prods.

“Ok, I guess it’s not a secret.  So I was talking to stupid face the other day and he told me he is doing a play in New York this summer.”

“No!”  Alex shrieks.

“Yep!  You and Arthur are in the same play.”

“Oh my god, do you think he knows?  ‘Cause I had no idea!”  She muses.

“I doubt it or he would have mentioned it.”

“Do you know what part he’s playing?  God, I hope he’s not my lover, that would be embarrassing.”

Karen answers, “No idea.  Since I wasn’t familiar with the play I didn’t ask too many details.”

“Wait….you have a lover in the play?”  Matt questioned.

Alex remarked casually, “I always have a lover in the play.” 

He sat back thinking about her plays, her movies, and even her television appearances.  She was right.   She always had a lover, or a husband, or in the case of Moll a string of lovers.  Why did he ever think he was special?  So she played his wife for a time that wasn’t anything special for her.

She noticed him become quiet and contemplative.  “You alright darling?”

“I never was anything special was I?”  His eyes looked intently at her daring her to answer with the truth.

She sits up staring at him.  “What?  Of course you were…..are.  Why would you say that?”

“Because like you said, you always have a lover.”  It sounded dismissive and it annoyed her.

“Matt, I was talking about in acting.  Not…not in life.  They’re absolutely not the same!”

“Are you sure about that?  Are you sure they aren’t one in the same?”  He’s not sure what had made him so angry but he was now.  He was properly angry.  Maybe it was all of the emotions of the day he had bottled up but there was no keeping them inside now.

“Matt, why are you saying this?”

“Because Alex wasn’t it you that dismissed me when the run was up?”  This was a low blow and he knew it but he wanted this; he needed this.  He needed honest answers from her.  When better to get them than when she was sloshed and angry?

Karen wasn’t sure what she should do.  This was heading in a bad direction but maybe they just needed to hash this out in whatever way they needed to.  But she decided they didn’t need an audience.  As discreetly as possible she snuck back into the house to check on Emma.

She looked back at him the hurt evident on his face.  “Why are you doing this?  You know that’s not the truth.”

He jumped up and started pacing, his hand running through his hair nearly non-stop.  “Do I Alex?  Cause I have to say I’ve been over our time together again and again in the past four years and I’ve never really understood what went wrong.  One minute we were happy and the next you wanted out.  So this is as good a theory as any of the others I’ve come up with so far.”

She sat there watching him pace back and forth like a caged animal attacking her whenever he could.  She deserved it.  He was right…they were happy until she destroyed it.  She looks over at him seeing the pain still inside of him and it breaks her heart.  She thought she had set him free to have the life he deserved but he doesn’t look free.  He looked caged, angry, and hurt.  She felt her heart shatter again.

“Matt, would you come sit down?”  Her voice was soft and inviting but he couldn’t…not yet.  He had finally found a voice for his anger and had to get it out.  He had to tell her.

“No Alex I don’t want to sit down.  For four years I have tried to make sense of us or at least the ending of us.  Us itself, I understood.  Us I was ready to live with for the rest of my life.  But the destruction of us was all you, wasn’t it?  For four fucking years I have tortured myself trying to figure out what I did wrong and it never was about me, was it?   It was about you.  You were done with me so you patted me on the head and sent me on my way.” 

He didn’t notice the tears streaming down her cheeks, he didn’t notice the absolute desolation in her eyes, he just kept letting it all out because he had to, because she never gave him a chance to before.

“I called, I texted, I wrote you fucking love letters (which you probably threw in the trash never bothering to read) and it never mattered to you.  None of it.  You never picked up the phone, or texted back, or wrote………….never.  You were done with me and I was as good as dead to you.  God I was such an idiot.  You must have had a good laugh about it, probably in bed with your next lover.  What a fucking idiot I have been!” 

He turned and moved to the far end of the patio away from her looking out at the nightscape of LA below him.  He didn’t want to be here, he wanted to run as fast as he could but his child was asleep upstairs and that anchored him.  He was running through scenario after scenario of how to get out of there as quickly as possible with his child in tow when he heard her.  It was a low guttural moan that sounded like a wounded animal.  He didn’t want to turn around.  He wanted to be cold and unfeeling and walk out but he couldn’t.  He could no sooner walk out when she was in pain then rip his own heart from his chest.

Turning he took in the sight of her.  She was on the floor on the patio, her legs up to her chest, her arms around them as she rocked back and forth.  Her face touching her knees but he didn’t have to see it to know what it looked like.  The sobs he heard told him.  He had hurt her.  That is what he had set out to do, so why didn’t that make him feel any better.  Because as much as she had hurt him; he still loved her.  It would be so much easier if he didn’t.  It would be so much easier to move on with his life if he hated her but he never could.  He had tried for four long years and failed.

So he did what he always did…..he went to her.

He sat down on the ground next to her but she continued sobbing and rocking.  If she sensed he was there she made no indication of it.  Reaching out he placed a hand on her arm.  She jumped away looking at him with empty eyes.  He had done this.  He had done this to her, the woman he loved despite all the reasons he shouldn’t and it broke his heart.

He reached out for her again calling her name softly, “Alex.”  This time when she looked at him he smiled at her.  It was a watery smile, a smile that said he was hurting too.  He inched closer bringing his arms around her, her sobs still racked through her body as he tried to hold her. 

She instantly threw her arms around his neck pulling him into her until her lips were close to his ear.  “I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  God, I am so, so sorry.”  He pulled her into his lap and they held each other, and they cried, and they both kept saying “I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t sure how long they had held each other but finally the tears subsided for both of them.  He didn’t know what to do next.  In every confrontational fantasy he had ever had, he never got past all the things he wanted to say.  He had never thought about the aftermath.  So he just held her a little longer and wished he was stronger but despite everything this is where he wanted to be holding her in his arms while she held him in hers.  So he stayed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	10. Aftermath

It was actually Karen who gave them a reason to move.  She had sat with Emma for nearly two hours expecting him to come to get her.  When he didn’t she felt that she should check on them.  She wasn’t sure what she expected but seeing them holding each other while sitting on the patio floor took her by surprise.  She felt like she was intruding but it didn’t feel right to just leave with Emma upstairs.  She considered taking Emma to her place for about a millisecond but she knew how insane that would make him so she dismissed it.

“Matt?  Alex? Everything ok?”  They began to move as if in a fog like they weren’t quite sure how they had gotten in the position they were in.

Matt was the first one up and over to Karen, “Is Emma ok?”  Karen smiled.  Of course his first thought was of his child.

“She’s fine, been sleeping the whole time.”  She lowered her voice.  “Are you alright?”  He nodded then indicated for her to follow him into the house.

When they reached the lounge he turned to her, “Kaz why don’t you go on home.”  When she started to look panicked he added.  “I think we’ve made some progress and I would like to keep going before she has a chance to shut me out again.”

“Are you sure?”  She pleads with him.

“Yes, I am.  This has haunted me for the last four years.  We need to work through it to some conclusion so I can move on.

“Would you like me to take Emma?”  Immediately his eyes bug out and she knows his answer.  “It’s ok.  I just thought it would help but I understand.”

“Thanks Kaz, for being a good friend and for understanding.”  He kisses her forehead.

“Ok, but you call me tomorrow.  I want to know how this all turns out.”  She picks up her handbag and heads for the door.  She turns to him with her hand on the doorknob, “If you need me before that call anytime, you understand?”

“Thanks Kaz.”  He starts to give her his patented salute but it seems false so he just waves instead.

Standing there he tries to will himself the strength to continue this night with Alex.  When he thinks about it he is being honest with Karen about his feelings.  He still loves her but if the night ends with him understanding why she doesn’t love him or why they can’t be he will accept it.  It’s the not knowing, the what ifs that have kept him up night after night.  He turns and heads back out to the patio.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex is sitting in the porch swing that faces the backyard and the view of downtown LA.  When he approaches she almost seems surprised to see him, probably thought he went home.  “Mind if I sit?”  She gestures for him to sit but doesn’t speak.  They sit there staring out into the night with so much on their mind.

“I’m sorry.”  She finally breaks the silence.

“So you’ve said.  Would you care to elaborate?”  He wasn’t angry anymore he just really wanted answers.  She looks over to him with a look of confusion and pain.  “You keep saying you’re sorry but I keep wondering which part you’re sorry about.”

“All of it, Matt, all of it.  The last thing, the absolute last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.  I realize now what an idiot I was but then I thought I was setting you free.  You were young, still are, you have your whole life ahead of you.  Mine is mostly behind me.  I wanted you to have opportunities that you would never have had with me.  A chance to be a father.  Look at you, you are a fabulous father.  You would have never had that chance with me.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do.  I wanted you to find someone young like you who liked the same things you did, and who could give you a family.  You did.”  He winced and she saw that there was pain in that coupling too but this was not the time for that.  “Your career is taking off.  I knew you were going to be amazing.”

“So are you.  From stage to screen and back again.  You barely have any time in-between.   Are you saying we couldn’t have been successful if we stayed together?”

“Being with me would have hurt your career Matt.”  He scoffed at her.  “It would have.  They would have ripped you to shreds in the media, me too.”

“You know Alex that really is horseshit.  Every single day there are couples both famous or not who one of them is older than the other.  It’s not that big a deal anymore.  It’s only a big deal because you let it be.”  She studied his face while she sipped at her wine.  He seemed so much older like he’d been through hell and back.  ‘Was that all because of her?’

“So is that it?  Is that really why you ended us because I was too young, children, and our careers?”

“Matt, what do you want from me?”  She looked so tired, and sounded so tired like she was wrung out.  He knew he was pushing her but he also knew he would probably never get this opportunity again.

“I’m just trying to understand this.  I’ve been trying to understand this for four years now.  How did you just stop loving me or did you not really love me in the first place?”

She cradles her wine glass into her chest.  “Is that what you believe?  I guess that is how it looked from your perspective.  That would have been easier for both of us if that was true.  But the truth is I’ve never stopped loving you, not for one damn minute.”  He stares at her with his mouth gaping open and his eyes wide and he is sure his ears heard it wrong.

“Wait?  What?  You still love me?”

She puts down her wine glass on the ground and reaches over for his hand.  He lets her take it.  “Matt I didn’t give you up because I didn’t love you anymore.  I didn’t give you up because I had another lover waiting.  I didn’t give you up because I didn’t want you.  I gave you up because I thought it was what was best for you and because I am a coward.”

“A coward?”

“Yes, a coward.  I ran from you before you had a chance to run from me.  You’re young and I was sure you would move on and I didn’t think I could recover from that a third time.  I didn’t think I would ever recover if you left me.”

“So you left me instead!?!  Alex that makes no sense!”

“Well it did at the time.”  He laughs at her.  She shoves him, he shoves back.  Then she laughs too.  He moves closer to her putting an arm around her; she lays her head on his shoulder.  They sit looking out into the night for a long time wrestling with their thoughts.

The sound of his voice startles her.  “So let me see if I have this straight.  You still love me.”

“Uh, huh.”

“and I still love you.” 

He hears her gasp. 

“So what are we going to do about it?”

It is at that moment he hears his daughter’s cries from his pocket.  “Hold that thought, I’ll be right back.”  He bops her nose before getting up.  She smiles.  ‘He still loves me.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She stands looking out over the city.  ‘I thought he would hate me; he should hate me.  How is it possible that after everything I put him through he still loves me.”  She smiles again, and she misses him already.  She decides to go check on him and Emma.

When she gets to the top of the stairs she hears him singing her a lullaby.  She smiles at that.  He is such a dedicated father, but then she always knew he would be.  Coming into the room he raises his finger to his lips while he continues to sing to her.  Walking past him she lies on the bed watching him pour out his love to his child. 

It takes a few verses before he’s sure he can put her down.  Gently he lays her in the playyard laying her pink pony blanket over her.  He knows she will have kicked it off by morning but he does it none the same.  He watches over her for a few more minutes until he feels confident that she will stay asleep.

When he stands up he looks over to the bed to see that Alex too is fast asleep.  He smiles that his lullaby worked on both of them.  Now he’s not sure what to do.  He just got Emma to sleep but she would surely wake if he takes her home now.  Looking at the clock it is already half two in the morning.

Looking over at his daughter he knows he should leave, he should but he doesn’t want to wake her and who is he kidding if this is the last time he ever gets to sleep next to Alex he’s not going to pass it up.

So he lies down on the bed next to her facing his daughter’s playpen.  Emma wakes once more in the night and he walks with her, changes her nappie, and feeds her a bottle.  When morning comes he is completely knackered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	11. The Morning After

At some point in the night Alex had turned in his direction wrapping herself around him like she always used to.  When she woke she forgot that he wasn’t supposed to be there but was remembering a time when he was.  Just as she was thinking decidedly inappropriate thoughts her eyes opened spying the baby bed next to them.

All of a sudden she realized _when_ they were.  She fell against her back staring at the ceiling.  Last night came back in flashes, his fury with her, her breakdown, him holding her, her holding him…………..and then did he say he still loved me?  She turned away from him and catches sight of a glass of water and two pain pills sitting next to it.  After everything she had done to him he was still taking care of her.

Unable to go back to sleep with him this close she decides to get up.  After a quick morning routine in the ensuite bath she reenters the bedroom to find Emma wide awake.   Picking her up quietly and snagging the nappie bag she tiptoed out of the room.  She changed her nappie and took her downstairs letting him get some rest.

When he woke he was disoriented.  ‘Where was he?’  When he began to recognize the room he felt for Alex but the bed was cold.  He then remembered Emma and when he saw the crib was empty sheer panic overtook him.  He raced from the bedroom calling her name, “Emma!”

Alex called out to him that they were in the kitchen.  He takes the stairs two at a time.  When he gets to the doorway his heart is racing, his breath is ragged.  Holding onto the doorframe he takes in the sight of Alex in a dressing gown holding his child while she is making breakfast.  He tries to let the beauty of this moment take him past the panic but pure panic wins out.  Quickly he crosses the room taking Emma from her arms cradling her to his chest before his legs fold beneath him.

When Alex comes down to where he is on the floor she sees the panic in his eyes and the streaming tears down his cheeks.  He continues to hold and rock both himself and Emma back and forth.  Her heart breaks for him.  She did this.  She hurt him again.  Maybe she was right all along; she wasn’t any good for him.

“Matt its ok.”  She tried to coax him from his huddle not sure if she should touch him or not.  Gently she rests her hands around his shoulders.  Slowly his breathing seemed to calm and a few minutes later he looked up meeting her eyes.  She smiled at him.  “It’s ok sweetie.  She’s ok.”  She brushed his hair back to better look at him.  Slowly she is rubbing his arms trying to calm him.  Finally he nodded at her and she knew he was at least hearing her.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to scare you.  You looked so peaceful sleeping and I know you must have gotten up with her in the night.  I just wanted you to rest.  I didn’t mean for you to worry.”

He rubs his cheeks trying to remove the evidence of his breakdown.  Emma has been gurgling at him the whole time.  Alex wonders if this isn’t the first time that something like this has happened.  Feeling better in control he greets Emma, “Good morning sweetheart.  I’m sorry daddy wasn’t there when you woke up.  Did you and Alex have a nice time?”  Emma gurgled back at him and he seemed happy with the response.  “Well that’s good.”

Tucking her into his chest he looks over to Alex.  She’s still watching him warily wondering what the hell is going on here but smiles at him when he looks her way.  “Um, sorry Alex.  I guess I overreacted there a bit.”

Her eyes went wide.  This seemed a bit more than an overreaction but they were starting anew so she thought it best to let it go……for now.  “It’s ok darling.  I dare say all our emotions are a bit raw at the moment.”  He smiled back, grateful she didn’t ask any more questions.

She helped him up but didn’t make any attempts to take Emma from his arms.  She didn’t think he would allow it.  He seemed off, really off, and she couldn’t be sure how much of that was the weird circumstances between them or something else.  It seemed best to proceed cautiously.  “Would you like some tea?”  He nodded but didn’t look in her direction.  He kept his focus on Emma, smiling at her, placing little kisses on her cheeks.

Normally Matt would have volunteered to make his own or help with what she was doing but he seemed in his own world where only Emma existed.  As she made his tea she couldn’t help but wonder what else had happened in his life these past four years or was this the result of the damage she had done to him.

“Here you go Matt.”  She handed him a cuppa.  “I think I got the sugar right this time.”  He smiled at her as he took his tea.  He wandered over to the patio doors looking into the back garden.  She wasn’t sure if that was for him, for Emma, or just to move away from her.

After a few drinks he seemed to have woken up pushing past his panic attack.  Coming back to the counter he sat his tea down, “We should probably get going.  I think we’ve imposed long enough.”

Her eyes went wide.  She couldn’t have been more surprised, or disappointed.  “There’s no hurry Matt.  I was going to make us breakfast.  Why don’t you take a shower?  It will make you feel better then you can have breakfast before you go.”

“If you wouldn’t mind, a shower would be great.”  He begins to head out of the kitchen in the direction of the stairs.

“Would you like me to watch Emma while you’re in the shower?”

She’s again surprised by the panic she sees in his eyes.  “No, I got it.”  He adds to soften his words.  “She probably needs a bit of a cleanup herself.”

She bites her lower lip worried how he is going to react.  “I hope it was ok but I did change her nappie but I couldn’t find any more bottles for her.

He runs his fingers through his hair.  “Yeah I used the last one at six this morning.  I have more formula in the car but no clean bottles.”

Alex perks up.  “Well that’s any easy fix.  Just bring them all to me.  I can wash and sterilize them.”

“Really?”  Why is he so surprised at such a small gesture?

“Of course darling.  It’s no problem.  Why don’t you bring them here before your shower?”  He nods then heads up the stairs.

A few minutes later he comes back in with the nappie bag over his shoulder.  She has already made soapy water in the sink.  “She’ll just need a few.  I can do the rest when I get home.”

She rolls her eyes at him.  “Just give me the bag idiot.  I can wash a few baby bottles.  It’s not like it will kill me.”

“Thanks Alex.”  His voice is tight, yet sincere.  She can tell he’s still wary around her, maybe always will be.  She sighs, ‘No one’s fault but my own.’

She hears the front door shut as he must have went for the formula.  A few moments later he comes back in trying to carry Emma, a package of nappies, and a carton of formula.  Luckily she turns when he enters the kitchen and is able to catch the formula just as it leaves his hands.  He laughs, “I see your still catching me when I flail.”

She wanted to say ‘Always’ but she knew it hadn’t been true for so long why would he believe it now.  Instead she chose to fall back on their staple, banter.  “Well it’s a tough job darling but somebodies got to do it.”  She winks at him.

She places the formula on the counter then hands him the nappie bag.  “The bottles are soaking while I heat up the water to sterilize them.  You can take this if you want to refill it.”  Looking at the extra package of nappies.  “Go ahead and get your shower darling.  I ‘ve got this under control.”

He looked at her awestruck for a moment.  It was such a simple gesture but it meant so much.  “Thanks Kingston.” He said as he took the bag from her hands.  She turned back to wash the bottles.  He surprised her by coming up behind her and kissing her cheek before rushing upstairs.  She brought her soapy hand to her cheek and held it there.

Less than a half hour after he left Matt came bounding down the stairs Emma laying against his shoulder.  She was wearing a pink checked sundress with matching bloomers.  Her feet were bare and her messy hair covered one eye.  Alex smiled when she saw them.  “Ahh, you both look happier.”

“Well cleaner that’s for sure.  Princess Emma here isn’t too sure about happy though.”  He looks down at his baby as he speaks about her.

“Oh, why’s that?”  Alex looks concerned as she too looks at the baby.

“Well she has informed me quite vocally that I have missed her breakfast time and she is none too happy about that.”

Alex laughs.  “Well, we’ll just have to take care of that won’t we?”  She looks up to Matt.  “The bottles are all ready but I wasn’t sure if I should make the formula.  It’s been a while and I wasn’t sure if there were any special instructions.”

“I’ll take care of it.  Would you mind holding her?”  She’s surprised at the offer but delighted none the same.

“I would love too.”  She takes Emma in her arms smiling at her pouting lip remembering long ago days with Salome.

“Um, if she could not see what I’m doing it would be better.  She’ll get very demanding for her bottle.”  He says hesitantly.

“No problem will just look out the patio doors at the flowers.”  Talking to Emma as she walks that way.  “Maybe we can see the rabbit.  Yes, there’s a rabbit that comes to visit me each day.  Let’s see if he’s out there.”

Matt listened as Alex continued to talk to Emma keeping her mind off of her growling tummy.  It all seemed so normal.  For a moment he remembered a time when he thought this would be their life together.  He shook the thoughts away, best to stay in the present.  With master precision he had completed the bottle making.  Taking one from the long line of them on the counter he walked over to where Emma and Alex were watching a cottontail rabbit nibble on her lettuce leaves.

His movements must have alerted the rabbit and off it hopped.  Emma looked to Alex as if to ask ‘where’d it go?’  She looked at her with a sweet smile. “Did the bunny go bye-bye?”  Emma nodded.  “Maybe he’ll come back soon.”  Emma’s bottom lip started to quiver and he knew she needed a distraction.

“Hey there Princess, look what daddy’s got?”  He showed her her bottle and she immediately brightened reaching out for it.  He took her from Alex’s arms and sat in a kitchen chair.  Positioning her in his arms she pulled the bottle into her mouth and ate happily.

Alex watched them.  She was still trying to wrap her mind around the fact that Matt was a dad and yet it seemed to come so naturally to him.  Standing behind him her hand rested on his shoulder while the other played with the ends of his hair.  It was such a usual thing for her to do with him that she hadn’t even thought that it had been four years since she had.  “You are so good with her Matt.  It’s easy to see how much she adores you.”  He looks up at her and smiles.  Without thinking his hand reaches up for hers at his shoulder and their fingers intertwine. 

Coming out of her fog she moves back towards the stove.  “I best get our breakfast going before we starve to death.”

She makes them ham and cheese omelets, scones, and fresh fruit.  Matt has just finished burping her when Alex brings the plates over.  She takes his cup back with her to refill it.  Coming back she sits perpendicular to him and Emma.  “My goodness Alex, you didn’t need to go to this much trouble.”

She waves him off.  “It was no trouble.  I needed to use up some of the leftovers from yesterday anyways.  Honestly I don’t know what I’m going to do with it all.  If I’d been thinking I should have had Florian take it with him.  I’m sure those ravenous teenagers would have polished it off.”  He laughs at that.

She looks at him more closely.  “Wait, weren’t you wearing your suit trousers earlier?”  He is wearing a faded tshirt and fairly worn joggers.

“Um yeah, I was.  When I got the formula from the car I remembered I had an extra set of clothes in the boot.  I didn’t really feel like putting a suit back on.”  He was scarfing omelet into his mouth as Emma played with his scone.

Holding her tea cup she peers at him around it.  “You really are prepared for anything aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?”  He asks as he sips his tea.

“Well you have extra formula and nappies in your car, obviously an extra outfit for Emma, and apparently even one for yourself.  I’d say that’s pretty well prepared.”

He blushes a bit at the compliment. “Only because I have learned from my mistakes, my many mistakes.”

He then proceeds to tell her about the time he was at his mum’s and Emma had had a “major nappie explosion”.  Alex laughed at that.  But after he had gotten her all cleaned up he realized there were no more nappies in the bag.  It was three in the morning.  He had no choice but to go to the store but he had to take her with him.  He wasn’t going to wake his mum at 3am.  So he wrapped her bottom in a towel and went to the convenience store down the road.  She was laughing hysterically at the thought of him carrying a baby into a store in the middle of the night only wrapped in a towel.  “Shut up Kingston!”

“Make me!”  She purrs.

He sticks his tongue out at her.  It makes her all warm inside that they can have this right now…..to be friends again.  “So I have to hear the story about the formula now.”

“Well that one isn’t quite as funny, kinda makes me sad actually.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I was coming back from….I don’t remember where..”  Although it was obvious he did.  “and I thought I had time to get home before her next feeding.  Of course there was a crash on the M4 that held everybody up for a bloody hour and a half.  There is nothing worse than hearing your child crying in the back seat for an hour knowing you could have prevented it.  After that I always had formula in the car, along with bottled water.”  She reached over giving his hand a squeeze.  He drew in a breath and moved on.  “But I am sure you will find the reason I keep clothes for me in the car entertaining.”

She did as he told her about the time his little Princess threw up all over him and he had no choice but to go to an audition smelling like vomit.  She can’t stop laughing as she pictures it perfectly in her mind. 

He scowls at her.  “How about a little sympathy Kingston?”

“Sorry darling.  So did you get the job?”

He glares at her.  “What do you think?”

“Oh well, their loss.”

He begins to laugh too.  “Yeah it was!  Luckily it wasn’t something I was all that interested in anyways.”   Suddenly a partially eaten scone goes flying towards Alex.  Matt gapes down at Emma.  “Emma what are you doing throwing food at Alex?  That’s not very nice.”  He notices the tell-tale sounds of sleepy Emma coming on.  “Uh oh, it looks like someone is ready for her nap.  Maybe this would be a good time to head out.”

“Nonsense, let her nap upstairs.”  He looks over to her silently asking if she’s sure.  “I’m really not ready to let you go yet.”  She answers honestly.

He’s a bit taken back by her honest answer but glad for it as well.  No matter where they end up….as friends or more he can’t take the lies and the half-truths anymore.  He’s had enough of that to last a lifetime.  “I won’t be long.” He says as he rises stopping halfway to lean over and kiss the top of her head.

She sat there for a long while after he left thinking of them.  How that small gesture of him kissing her on the top of her head felt so familiar and yet it had been missing from her life for so long.  Pushing herself out of her seat she cleaned up the kitchen trying not to dwell too long on thoughts.  She kept reminding herself she had to take things as they came and not to push him too much.  After last night she was beginning to realize how much she had to make up for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When he came back down she could see the antenna for the monitor sticking out of his pocket.  Handing him a fresh cup of tea she suggested they sit on the back patio.  It was a beautiful day with the sun out but not too hot yet.

The breeze felt good.  It brought the scent of the flowers to them as they sipped their tea.  “I see the **_  
_**Viburnum are doing well.”  He brought up the flowers that they had planted together.

“Yes, they are.  I suppose I should apologize since I was sure they wouldn’t grow here in California.”  He looked rather smugly at her.  “Oh stop, you can be so insufferable when you are right.”

“Then I must be insufferable quite often!”  He bragged.  She smiled at him.  It was lovely just having him here, to hear his voice, to be able to look at him, maybe even touch him.  Her heart ached thinking about how long they had not seen each other, not spoken …..all her doing.

“I’m sorry.”  She says again.

He looks at her seeing the anguish on her face once more.  “I think we said all of those last night.”

“I know.”  She nods.  “But I want you to know that I really am sorry.  I’ve missed you.”  He smiles at her in return.  Leaning towards him on the settee she speaks from her heart, “I just didn’t realize how much until these past two weeks, these past two days.”

“Yeah I picked up on how reluctant you are for me to leave.”  She blushes thinking of how many times last night and again today he has offered to leave but every time she had asked, he stayed.

Her eyes drop to her lap watching as her fingers rub against one another.  “I think I’m afraid if you leave it will all go back to the way it was.  I don’t think I could bear it.” 

He reaches over taking one of her hands in his.  “I don’t think I could bear it either.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They spend the next hour while Emma naps just talking, not about anything terribly important but just talking.  It felt good to get their rhythms back.  When she woke he insisted that he really did need to get home.  She helped him gather her things and his which had amazingly managed to get all over the house already.  They never did find one of Emma’s white sandals but she assured him it would turn up and she would get it back to him.

She stood next to the car holding baby Emma as he put the last of it in the boot.  When he came to collect her she felt a pang in her heart.  She was going to miss them, both of them.  It had only been twenty-four hours and her entire life had been transformed, she had been transformed.  She kissed her chubby cheeks, “You be good for daddy”, she said before placing her in his arms.

They stood there unsure what to say next.  Stepping into his personal space she wraps her arms around him and Emma.  “Don’t be strangers, promise.”  She said lightheartedly but he could see the shimmer in her eyes.

“We won’t Kingston, same goes for you.”  He put Emma in her car seat before climbing into the driver’s side.  He waved to her as they pulled out of the drive heading to his own place only fifteen minutes away.  ‘Why had it always seemed so far away before?’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	12. What Now?

After he got Emma settled for her afternoon nap he finally called Karen.  She had left five text messages and two voicemails.  He knew his quick, _I’m alright…will call later_ text was only going to hold her off for so long.

When she answered the phone he could tell she had been anxious for his call.  “It’s about time you called.  Are you alright?”  There was almost a bit of panic in the question as if him not being alright was why he hadn’t called her.

“Sorry to have worried you.  No, I’m alright.  I think I’m better than I have been at least.” 

His cryptic answer pushed her to get him to tell her all.  “and don’t leave anything out!”  Karen listened, like she always did and didn’t say much.  When he finally finished she asked, “So what do you think this means?”

“I think it means were going to try to be friends again.  I don’t think either of us are ready to think past that point yet.”

“But maybe someday?”

“Maybe.  Probably best not to get my hopes up.”  Karen seemed to agree although remembering her conversation with Alex she felt he might have basis for hope.  She kept that to herself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of hours later as he was contemplating what to make for dinner the doorbell rang.  He and Emma opened the door to see Alex standing on his doorstep.  “Alex!”

“Hello darling, look I’ve only got a minute but I wanted to drop this off for you.  I made a couple casseroles from the leftovers and I thought you might like one.”  Seeing his hands full with Emma.  “Um, would you like me to set this on your counter for you?”  He nodded completely at a loss for words that she was here, already.

“Well I got to dash.  I’m on my way to pick up Salome from her father’s and wanted to drop this by.”

He caught her arm on the way by stopping her, “Thank you Alex, you didn’t have to.” He leaned in kissing her cheek.  She hurried back out to the car.  “Tell Salome I said hi.”  He called out to her and she waved back letting him know she heard him.

On Monday she stopped by because the cleaning lady had found Emma’s sandal. 

Tuesday she called to see if he knew what were the best headphones to buy since “she had to get some for Salome immediately or there was going to be a death in the family.” 

Wednesday he opened his door to two bright faces asking if he and Emma wanted to go on a bike ride.  When they got back he invited them in for ice-cream.  Although he had only put a small amount in a bowl for Emma she managed to smash it into her hair, down her face, and all over the high chair.   “Oh I think little Princess Emma is going to need a bath.”  Salome observed.

“Yes, I think she is.”  He observed joyously.

Salome squealed, “Oh can I give her one?”  Matt’s face paled.  Alex could see the pangs of panic in his eyes again but he managed to cover.

“Um, well you can help if you like.”  He wiped her hands and a good bit of the ice cream from her head before removing her bib.  “Ok you, it’s off to the tub with you.”  He said to Emma as he took her from her high chair.

Alex watched as they went up the stairs to draw a bath.  After she had cleaned up the high chair and the surrounding floor she took a few moments to look around.  There didn’t seem to be much in the way of decorations.  He had the basics for furniture and the rest of the space seemed to be taken up with Emma’s things.  Throughout the rooms she found photographs of Emma.  Most of them she was by herself being delightful but occasionally there was one with Matt, or Karen, or Matt’s parents.  It wasn’t until she had been all around the first floor that it occurred to her that there didn’t seem to be a picture of Emma’s mum anywhere. 

It was obvious to her that something was amiss between them but beyond that she knew nothing.  She also wasn’t entirely sure who Emma’s mum was.  The announcements in the media never named her and Karen only referred to her as whatshername.  She was curious but wasn’t sure if he was ready to tell her yet.

From upstairs she could hear the squeals of delight from both Matt’s daughter and her own.  Feeling left out, she decided to join them.  Leaning against the doorway of the bathroom she saw Emma sitting in her bath seat having a great time splashing the water with her water toys.  Looking over at Matt he looked as if he had been in the tub with her if she was to judge by how wet he was.  Salome seemed just as wet and just as delighted with the antics of water play.

“Ok, enough play time now for your _favorite_ part.”  His emphasis on favorite sounded a bit sarcastic.  That was evident when she started to cry when he washed her hair.  Salome tried to distract her with her toys but she managed to put up quite a fuss.  When he was done rinsing her hair he bopped her on her nose with her blue dolphin.  Her somber eyes gave way to a grin when it continued to bop her chin and her lips and back to her nose.

Happy again he announced that it was time to get out.  He laid her on the towel he had lain on the floor quickly wrapping her up before cradling her to his chest.  He seemed surprised when he got up and turned around that Alex was standing there.

He smiled at her then moved on to Emma’s room when she moved out of the doorway.  Emma’s room was a study in pink.  There were pink curtains, pink bedspread and pink ruffles underneath it.  A large round fluffy pink carpet laid in the middle of the floor.  On the walls were small shelves with adorable baby keepsakes housing her first curl, her first footprint and handprint, her first picture in her daddy’s arms.  The changing table seemed well stocked and the open door of the closet showed off an impressive amount of clothes.

With Emma properly powdered and dressed he plopped her on the pink carpet with some soft blocks.  She immediately tried to eat them but Salome got on the floor showing her how she could stack them and knock them over.  He took the opportunity to pull a bottle out of a small fridge on top of the dresser and plop the bottle into the warmer.  While it warmed he gathered up the dirty clothes, grabbing the additional ones in the laundry basket and threw them in the washer in the closet just outside the bedroom.  When he came back he took the bottle from the warmer and announced to Emma that it was tea time.  “Oh can I give it to her?” Salome piped up.

Again she saw panic for just a moment in his eyes before he smiled saying, “Of course poppet.  Why don’t you have a seat in the rocker?”  He positioned Emma in her arms letting her see the bottle when she started to squirm.  Latching onto it she drank happily in her arms.

Alex slid her phone out of her back pocket and took a picture.  He came to stand next to her as they both watched their daughters interact.  Her arm slid around his arm and she laid her head on his shoulder.  Just as she thought maybe this was too familiar too soon his hand rested on top of hers and he leaned onto her head.

“I have to say darling you’re quite impressive with the parenting skills.”

“What?”

“I can honestly tell you I was quite rubbish at keeping it all going and you just flitted around this room taking care of about nine things without a second thought.”  He scoffs at her.  “No, I’m serious you’re like a ninja parent.”  He busts out laughing at that causing Emma to look over at him pausing only a moment with her bottle.

“Like you even know what a ninja is Kingston!”  He teases.

“Well….maybe not……but I was still impressed.”

He looks at her to see if she is serious.  “Thank you Alex, that means a lot.”  He leaves a kiss at her temple.

With Emma’s bottle empty he takes her from Salome to burp her.  Looking around the room some more Alex observes.  “But I can’t say I would have ever expected you to have a pink room.”  She teases.

“Well that wasn’t the original plan.  TARDIS blue I told them but that’s what you get for letting your mum and Kaz go shopping for you.  Maybe I’ll get my way in her room back in London.”

“Oh you haven’t decorated that one yet?”  Curious as to why not.

“No, just the basics so far.  We’ve spent more time here besides when were back in the UK I spend a great deal of time in Northampton so I’ve not gotten around to it yet.”  It occurred to her that he has probably spent more time in the past year in LA than she has.  ‘They never will get their timing right.’ She muses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Everyday. Everyday she calls or stops by or makes plans to do something with him.  She knows it up to her now.  She was the one to hurt him by ending their relationship; she has to be the one to repair it.  


He has Emma now and she’s aware that she is his focus.  That is something she understands, having your daughter be your focus.  For now she just wants to be his friend.  She’s not sure if he’ll ever be able to trust and forgive her enough for them to be more. 

It’s been nearly two weeks since Salome’s graduation; almost a month since they met that day in Heathrow.  She’s over at his place so they can take Emma on a picnic.  He’d gone upstairs to change her nappie but has been gone quite a while.

When he comes down he is mumbling to himself.  “Damn it.  How could I have gotten that wrong?  What the hell am I going to do now?”

She’s caught off guard by his grousing when he comes back into the kitchen.  “Matt?  What’s the matter?” 

He’s running his hand over his face and through his hair.  “I buggered up.  I have an interview on Jimmy Fallon.  I have it down for tomorrow but apparently it is today.  They just called to remind me of my make-up time.”  He plops down in the kitchen chair holding Emma to his chest.

“Well its ok darling, we can go on a picnic another day.  It’s not that big a deal.”  She’s not understanding why he seems so upset.

He’s holding his head in his hand.  “Well thanks I appreciate that but that isn’t the real problem.”

“What’s the real problem?”

“The real problem is that I have Mrs. Harrington scheduled to come tomorrow and when I called to see if she could come today she’s already booked elsewhere.”

“Sorry, who’s Mrs. Harrington?”

“She’s Emma’s nanny when I have to go to professional appointments.  When I’m on set she comes with us but when it’s just an interview like today she comes here.”

“So are you saying you don’t have anyone to watch Emma?”

“Not just anyone.  I don’t have Mrs. Harrington.”

“Well darling I’m not Mrs. Harrington but I would be happy to watch Emma this afternoon.”

She expects him to be happy for the solution.  She expects he may even be a little grateful.  What she does not expect is for him to ignore her like she never offered.  When he doesn’t respond after several minutes she wonders did he not hear me?  “Ah, Matt did you hear what I said?”

“Huh, what?  Oh yeah.  Thanks  Alex.”  But he doesn’t look thankful.  In fact he doesn’t look as if he is even entertaining the idea.

Looking over to him she demands some answers.  “Matt, what’s going on?”

He looks up sharply at her tone.  “What do you mean?”

“I mean you said you needed someone to watch Emma, and when I offered you acted like you didn’t even hear me.  What gives?”

“It’s complicated Alex.  Way complicated.”  She can tell this is really tearing him up.

She crosses her arms as she looks over at him.  “Maybe it’s time you tell me about it.”

“Or maybe not!”  He jumps up and begins to pace.  “I don’t have time for this Alex.  I need to get down to the studio.  I guess I’ll take Emma with me.” 

“Matt that is insane!  What are you going to do hold her on your knee while being interviewed?  Would it really be so terrible for me to babysit her?”

“It would be if she found out!”  His eyes go wide as he realized what he said.

She’s curious now, more than curious.  “If who found out?”

He stares at her but refuses to say.  “Look I can’t get into this right now.  I’m sorry about the picnic, maybe we can try another day.”  He takes Emma and sprints up the stairs.

‘What the hell was that?’  She stands there staring out the window into the back garden replaying the conversation again and again trying to make some sense of it.  ‘Why was he so against her watching Emma?’  and ‘Who is he so afraid will find out?’  She’s still standing there when he comes bounding back down the stairs stopping when he sees her still there.

“Alex?  I thought you would have gone?”  He’s half dressed in his suit, his tie around his neck untied, his jacket in one hand Emma in the other.  She never thought about how much of a permanent accessory Emma was on him.  He seemed to never be away from her, and he always keeps her close.  She remembers the panic attack when he woke up and she wasn’t in her crib.

“You’re afraid aren’t you?”

“Don’t.”

“Is that why you never let her out of your sight?  Why I’ve hardly seen anyone else hold her except maybe Karen?”

His features were tight.  He looked like he was wound so tight that he might explode.  “Don’t Alex.”

At that moment the doorbell rang.  He ran to get it leaving her standing there.  Opening it he saw Karen and melted into her arms.  “Thank god.  I don’t know what I would have done if you couldn’t come.”

“Yeah, no problem.  Emma and I will require a shopping outing as payment however.”  She breezed past him.

“Yeah, yeah I expected as much.”  He closed the door then began giving her instructions.  “So the bottles are in the fridge, she needs one at 2 and 6 but I expect to be back before that.  Her doctors num….”

“Yeah, yeah I know the drill.  Yeesh, you act like I’ve never done this before.  Just answer me the important question.” 

He looked at her blankly until it dawned on him.  “Yes, yes I just changed her nappie.”

She takes Emma from his arms.  “Ok then, we should be………”  Karen stopped when she spotted Alex standing in the doorway.  “Alex?”

Matt’s expression froze when he suddenly remembered that she was still here.  He pasted on his best smile before turning around.  “Ah, Alex.  Could we reschedule that picnic for next week?”

She was angry, really properly angry.  ‘How could he?’  She had been standing right there offering but he called Karen instead.  It was obvious he didn’t trust her and maybe he never would.  “I’m sorry I need to go.  I don’t know what I was thinking.”  She grabbed her purse and headed to the door.  “Bye Matt.”

As soon as Alex was out the door Karen looked at him, “You have to tell her.”  He shook his head.  “You have to or you’re going to lose her….again.”  Her words stung, mostly because he knew they were true.  If he didn’t tell her the truth he was going to lose her.  He had never looked forward to anything less.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	13. Why I’m Scared

He didn’t call her that night after he got back from the interview, or the following day.  He knew she needed to cool off and honestly he needed to figure out how to talk about this.  Besides his lawyer there were only two people who knew: his mum and Karen (and only Karen knew the gory details).

After two days he hoped she wouldn’t still be so mad that she didn’t answer the phone.  When she still hadn’t picked up by the fourth ring he started to compose a voice message in his head. 

“Hello.”  He’s completely caught off guard when she actually answers and he’s trying to remember what he wanted to say to actual her.

A bit flustered, “Um, Alex, hi.” 

“Matt.”  Her tone was even as if she was trying hard to not be angry.

He clears his throat.  “Alex I know the other day was…well…awkward.”

“It’s ok Matt.  I understand you don’t trust me with Emma.”

“NO!  No, that’s not it.”  He’s pacing back and forth running his hand through his hair trying to find the right words. “Look, there’s a lot you don’t know.  Nobody knows really.”  He stops in the middle of the floor.  “Look, can you come over?  I can’t do this on the phone.”

He waits….silence.  “Matt, you don’t have to it’s none of my business.”

He deflates and drops into the living room chair.  “But what if I want it to be your business Alex?  Would you be ok with that?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“Now?”

“I’ll be right there.”

“I’ll be waiting.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In fifteen minutes she’s knocking on his door.  He opens the door with a smile on his face.  It’s only been two days but it’s the longest they haven’t either seen or talked to each other in a month.  “Alex!”  He pulls her into a hug then kisses her cheek before releasing her.

She immediately notices that both of his arms were available for hugging.  “Where’s Emma?”

“Napping.  If were super lucky we might get two hours before she wakes up.”  He announces.

“So you planned it this way?”  She asks warily.

“Yes.”  He holds a hand up.  “but not for the reasons your thinking.”  He takes a deep breath.  “This is going to be hard enough.  I really don’t want her in the room when I’m talking about it.”

When she looks at him he appears absolutely terrified.  “Matt, what the hell is this?  You’re really scaring me.”

Walking towards her he takes her hands and leads her to the sofa.  Immediately he lets go with one hand so he can run it through his hair.  It’s obvious that whatever he wants to tell her is difficult for him so she decides to put her own hurt feelings aside for now to concentrate on him.  Squeezing his hand she says gently, “Its ok darling, take your time.”

He positions himself so they are facing each other and he looks directly into her eyes.  “Ok, so before I start you have to swear to me, I mean absolutely swear to me that you will not tell another living soul about this.”

She chuckles, “Honestly darling, no need to get all cloak and dagger.”

“This isn’t a joke Alex.  You have to swear to me or this ends right now.”  He looks dead serious.

She sobers at the absolute serious look he is leveling at her.  “Ok I swear.  Matt you’re really starting to scare me; what is this about?”

“Other than my lawyer there are only two people who know about this:  my mum and Karen.  Before I make you a third you have to understand that no one can ever know about this, ever.  I need you to promise me Alex.”

She grabs onto his hand that has been pulling on his hair.  Holding both of his hands tightly in hers she gives him a steely look.  “Matt, I don’t know what this is about but anything you would trust me to know I would never divulge to anyone.  I absolutely swear.”

He nods at her before looking off into the room.  “Ok, so about two and half years ago I started dating an actress.  We kept it low key and told anyone that asked that we were just friends.  We seemed to get along great though and I got serious about her.  We’d been dating about eleven months when I proposed at the beginning of the winter hols.”  He could see the discomfort on Alex’s face as he’s talking.  “Look I know this isn’t easy to hear but it’s necessary.”

“It’s ok, I’m listening.”  She held his gaze determined to not make this about herself.

“We had told our families over Christmas but we we’re keeping it quiet from the press.  We wanted some time to enjoy it before…..well you know how the press can be.”  She nodded.  “Anyways after the holidays she wasn’t feeling well and when she went to the doctor she found out she was pregnant.  I was of course over the moon.  She wasn’t.  Instead of the joyous event that I thought it was she couldn’t wait to get rid of it.  We fought constantly about it.  I couldn’t understand, still don’t, how she could want to kill our child.”  Alex winces.  “I thought I was getting through to her until one day she announced that it was her body, her decision, and that she was getting an abortion.”  She gasps.

“I know.  She gave me no choice.  I had my lawyer get a court order barring her from having an abortion.  It was my child too.  I had parental rights.  That was it for her.  She broke the engagement and told me that she hated me.  She told me that even if I made her have the baby she didn’t want to have anything to do with me or the child.”

“Oh Matt.”

“It took a lot of legal wrangling but in the end she did have the baby and then she walked away.  As far as I know she never even held her.”  There were tears in his eyes as he thought about his daughter never being held by her own mother.  Alex reached over to him pulling him into an embrace.  “I don’t know how she could do that.”  He sobbed into her shoulder.

He pulled back wiping the tears from his eyes so he could continue.  “I have been her only parent since the day she was born but….”

“But what?”  Her heart was breaking for him and she had this nagging feeling she hadn’t heard the worst of it yet.

“But because of family law and her lawyers she continues to have parental rights.”  She gasps again.  “If after one year she does not exercise those rights they will be rescinded or she could sign them away at any time.  Until then she has as much right to Emma as I do.”

“But you said she doesn’t want her.  Do you think she’ll change her mind?”

He releases her hands resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands.  “It’s what I live in constant fear of.  Her parents weren’t too happy with her decision but agreed to abide by it in the end.  I think they thought she would change her mind or maybe they are hoping they can change it for her.  They also made sure the lawyers put in a lot of restrictions for this first year.  I don’t think they thought I was responsible enough to raise a child.  One of the restrictions is that besides myself she can only be left in the care of family members and a licensed professional nanny.”

“Ah, why I couldn’t watch her.” 

He nodded.  “It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you with her.  I do.  I just couldn’t take the chance that they would find out.  For all I know they have me watched.”

“But then how come Karen?”

“Kaz practically carried me through all of this.  I’m sure you can guess I was a right mess.  I insisted that she be added as a family member since she’s basically a sister anyways.”

“So what does this all mean?”

“It means that I pray that she doesn’t decide to exercise her parental rights in the next two months because I can’t lose her.  I don’t think I would survive it.”

She knows what he’s feeling.  Being separated from your child is the most horrible feeling in the world.  She can’t imagine if she would have had to have shared custody when Salome was this young.

“But if she hasn’t so far you don’t think she would do you?”

“I don’t know Alex.  Sometimes I think she might just to spite me.  She was pretty pissed at me even after I paid her for all her lost work time.”

“What?  She made you pay her to have your baby?”

“Her lawyers argued that if I would have allowed the abortion she could have been working.  They insisted that I make up her lost wages.  Of course in her mind she’s sure I kept her from her big break during that time.”

“Who is this?”

He remains silent.  “That is another part of the agreement.  I am to never name her as my child’s mother nor am I to tell Emma who she is.”

“Oh so is that why Karen referred to her as whatshername?”

He laughs.  “Oh you got the sanitized version!”

She laughs too.  “Oh I can imagine Karen has some lovely names for her.  I might come up with a few myself.”

“Usually she refers to her as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”  Alex is doubling over in laughter.

“Yeah I was thinking her and my ex would be a good pair.”  It took him a moment to make the connection then he laughed too.

When the laughter died down she looked over to see how truly terrified he was.  “Come here.”  She wrapped her arms tight around him.  “It’s going to be ok, Matt.  We’re not going to let her anywhere near Emma.”

He pulled back to look at her.  “We?”

“Yeah, we!  You, me, Karen, and your mum.  That girl’s got another thing coming if she thinks she can get past us.”

He smiled a watery smile at her then rested his head on her shoulder.  She held him a long time rubbing circles along his back and through his hair.  As she held him it began to sink in how much trust he really did have in her to have shared this with her.  She pulled him tighter as she held back her own tears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Family law is different from country to country and even state to state. This may be different than what is usual in your area.


	14. Fourth Wall

Dear Readers, 

It seems I owe everyone an apology.  I honestly hadn’t thought of the implications to _her_ of her having the child.  Completely immersed in Matt’s vantage point all I could think of was that he wanted this child.  In the beginning I think he thought he would change her mind and they would build this family.  When things didn’t work out that way he panicked; doing whatever he could to keep one person that he loved.  If you have ever been involved in custody battles you do things you’re not proud of that you probably wouldn’t do if you had a clear head. 

It’s hard to know why she went along with it.  As was pointed out she could have gone elsewhere to have the abortion or done any number of things to not have had the child.  They were going to get married so she must have loved him.  Even though “they” had been destroyed with all the legal posturing maybe she wanted him to have this, to have their child.  She could see how important it was to him.

It was mentioned that he was probably still hurting and carrying a torch for Alex.  I would like to think that he hadn’t brought that into their relationship but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t always there to be seen by those who knew where to look.  She would have known how much he was hurt in his past, and now by the demise of their relationship.  It would have become apparent to her that their marriage would not have lasted as having children would have been a huge issue.  That doesn’t mean that she didn’t still love him or want him to have the one thing they couldn’t have together.

From Matt’s perspective he is just scared …..all the time.  He’s scared that she will want Emma back, he’s scared he won’t be the best father, he’s scared something is going to go wrong if he is not vigilant.  Again, if you have ever been in a situation where you might lose your child or have to share them when you never have before it is a scary place to be.   You aren’t thinking rationally.  In this situation Matt is so hyper-focused on Emma that he can’t really think about anyone else.  He doesn’t mean to hurt Alex’s feelings or take advantage of Karen’s generosity but he does because he is only focused on one thing…his daughter.  Yes, that makes him a bit selfish but it happens when you are in constant fear that your world is about to fall apart.

I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the implications in this story.  As I read your comments I saw things from a completely different perspective that I hadn’t taken into consideration.  And although I agree it would be wrong to force a woman to have a child she did not want to have I would like to believe that Emma’s mum eventually agreed to this arrangement.  That doesn’t mean it was an easy agreement for either of them, and most likely her parents were a great influence in her decision.

I hadn’t intended to explore the particulars of their arrangement or their relationship in this story.  I felt it was necessary to expand it a bit before we moved forward.  I hope that you can accept my apology and will want to complete the journey with me.

ChiefDoctor


	15. Becoming Friends Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Onwards and upwards.................

Without all of the anger and all the secrets things began to shift between them.  They both felt more at ease with each other. 

They became true friends again.  It wasn’t like the past four years didn’t happen, those could never be undone, but they could come together with a new understanding.  Both older, possibly wiser, neither wanted to take this second chance for friendship for granted.  That was what they both wanted now, friendship.  Whether they could be more to each other in the future could not be decided yet.  There was still a lot of wrongs to right, and they weren’t the same people any longer.  Matt had probably been changed the most with what he has gone through with Emma’s mother but also in becoming a father.  It changed him.  He was still Matt but it was like he finally knew his purpose in this world.

He would call her or she would call him …….just because.  They found each other showing up at each other’s homes much like they had when they lived near each other in Cardiff. 

She loved helping him with Emma.  She found herself falling in love with his child as easily as she had fallen in love with him.  She understood now why he was so protective of her and she respected those boundaries.   She never tried to stay if Karen watched her or stop by when she knew she would be in the care of Mrs. Harrington. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of weeks had passed since Matt had confided in Alex.  He was upstairs putting Emma down for the night while she was making popcorn for a movie they were about to watch.   When she opened the fridge to get their sodas she smiled at the neat line of bottles ready for the night and the next day. 

Leaning against the counter waiting for the popcorn to finish she surveyed his kitchen.  He cooked now.  In the four years she knew him in Cardiff the only foods she ever saw him make were breakfast foods, omelets, eggs, pancakes.  This evening he had invited her over for meatloaf with baby carrots, roasted potatoes, and a salad.  She had insisted on bringing the dessert, an apple crumb pie. 

“What are you so deep in thought about Kingston?”  She jumped.  She hadn’t heard him come down over the sounds of the microwave.

“Oh I don’t know.  I was just thinking how different you are now.”  His face fell.  “Oh, I didn’t mean in a bad way darling.  It’s just surprising how different your life is than it was four years ago, so of course, you would be different as well.”

He walks over to where her back is leaning against the counter and does the same next to her.  “So what are you saying?”

She leans her head on his shoulder.  “I’m saying that I am enjoying getting to know you all over again.” 

He puts his arm around her shoulder kissing the top of her head.  “Me too.” After a long moment he asks, “So is the popcorn ready?”

During the movie they had moved closer and closer to each other until his arm was around her shoulder and her head rested on his.  It felt good, felt familiar.  When they had been together they had spent a lot of time holding each other on the sofa even before the point in their relationship when it would turn into something more.

“So did I tell you that I talked to Arthur yesterday?”  She began as the credits rolled past.

“I think you said you were going to call him after you hung up from me.  How’d that go?”  He’d stopped the DVD and had gotten up to put it away.

“Great actually!  He’s found us a two bedroom place only three blocks from the theatre.  Amazingly there not going to make us sign more than a three month lease agreement.  I guess being in the theatre district they are used to those types of arrangements.  So I just need to figure out what I need to pack and it looks like I will be set.”

Having put the DVD back in its place he flops on the sofa next to her.  “So when are you leaving?” He whines.

Turning to face him next to her, “I fly out on the 15th.”

He raises his eyebrows, “But that’s in a week?”  She thinks he’s so cute when he pouts.  It reminds her of the old Matt.

“I know darling but I’m cutting it pretty fine as it is.  That only gives me a day to unpack and get settled before rehearsals start.”  She realizes that her fingertips are stroking his arm up and down, a familiar gesture she’s not sure she has a right to any longer.  He doesn’t tell her to stop so she doesn’t.

He reaches over taking her other hand.  Absently he rubs the skin on the back of her hand.  “You know the premiere is on the 14th.”

“I know darling.  It’s going to be wonderful for you; you should get a lot of good press with how your role has expanded from the first one.  The buzz so far has all been good.”

He wrinkles up his nose.  “The buzz?  Who are you?”

“What?  I can Google!  I …I, ok Karen showed me the preliminary reviews.  You happy now!” 

He laughs and pulls her to him pushing his face in her curls.  “You were beginning to scare me there Kingston.  I thought you might be a pod person.”  She pulls back and swats him.

They are a lot closer than they were, physically closer, and as much as she is trying to keep her feelings in check she wants this.  She wants to be close to him again.  These past couple of months have reminded her how much.

He reaches up tucking a curl over her ear.  She always loved when he did that.  “So Alex I was wondering…. Would you like to go to the premiere with me?”  He was so close that she could count his eyelashes but at that moment she knew she needed to pull back.  They weren’t ready.

Putting a little physical distance between them she took his hand lacing their fingers together as she talked.  “Darling, I am so honored you would want me to go with you, to be seen with you publically especially after…”

He put his finger up to her lips.  “The past is over Kingston.”  She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded.

“and it’s not that I don’t want to be there for your big day but I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

He nods.  “I kinda thought that that was what you would say.”

She reaches out to cup his face.  “Matt I’m thinking of you.  You have to think of Emma and that whole business.  I wouldn’t want to do anything that might jeopardize that.  I’ve already hurt you enough.”

Placing his own hand over hers he leans into it and sighs.  “I’ll miss you.  And I don’t just mean at the premiere.  I’ve gotten used to you being around again and I find I rather like it.  I don’t think I can go back to a world where you’re not a part of it anymore.”

Damn him!  She’s trying to fight back the tears being only slightly successfully.  Taking her other hand she rests it over his heart.  “I am always here darling, always.”  He pulls her into his chest his arms wrap around her like he’ll never let her go. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next week was a whirlwind, especially for Alex.  She was trying to get her things packed for New York plus try to help Salome decide what she would need to take to Oxford.  Salome would be leaving for the UK before the play was over so this was her last chance to spend time with her little girl before she became a college student.

Matt and Salome had been getting reacquainted too during these weeks since her graduation.  Often she stopped to play with Emma keeping her distracted while he took care of life stuff.  They would have long talks about London and Oxford.  Matt wasn’t as familiar with the area around Oxford University but he would pass on some of his advice from his own uni days.

She was excited.  She had never lived in the UK for more than a few months before.  It was part of the reason she wanted to go to ‘embrace her British side’.  Her dad made her promise to take at least one trip a year during her hols to ‘embrace her German side’ as well. 

Alex was trying to come to terms with her daughter being old enough to go off to college.  It helped that Alex seemed to spend more time in the UK than in the states.  She hoped that that meant they would get to spend some quality time together.

Since Matt had his big premiere the night before Alex was leaving she invited him and Emma over for supper the night before that.  Salome and her will have their special night while he’s at his premiere.  He had asked Karen to go with him.  She was thrilled for an excuse to go shopping and he was glad he didn’t have to spend the night making small talk with someone he didn’t know.  Karen was his rock and they always had a blast together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt had brought over a couple of bottles of chilled sparkling water with him.  After he settled Emma into the booster seat/highchair with some cheerios to keep her occupied he poured a couple of glasses.  He passed her a flute of the bubbly water.  “I know not quite Cristal but I find I rather enjoy the bubbles.”

Giggling, “You are such a child!”

“Oi!  Am not….father, remember?”  He points across the room to his daughter.

“I rather miss your childlike innocence. It’s nice to see that it’s still in there.”  She pats his chest.  “Now take the salad over and I will bring the rest in a minute.”  Without giving it a thought she rises up on her tiptoes and pecks his lips before turning back to the Chicken Piccata.

He stood there rooted to the spot staring at her.  Had she not even realized what she had done?  In the month and a half that they had been getting to know one another again they had never kissed.  Not that that was much of a kiss but it was still significant.  When she looked back at him and realized he hadn’t moved she asked, “What?”

With a shake of his head he picked up the salad, “Oh nothing”, and took it over to the table.  She just stared after him wondering what that was about.

Going over their exchange in her head as she dishes out the chicken it suddenly occurs to her that she had kissed him.  It’s just a peck but it represents a familiarity that they don’t have any longer.  She wonders if she should say anything or just let it be.  When she brings their plates to the table he’s engaged with Emma so she lets it drop.  ‘If it bothers him he’ll say something.’

Satisfied that Emma will be occupied for a bit he turns to look at the dish in front of him.  “God Kingston, this looks fantastic.  You really are going to need to give me some lessons.”  He cuts into his chicken filling his mouth with a forkful.

“Matt, you’re a good cook.”  She compliments him.

“Oh I do alright with the basics but I’ve never tried anything beyond that.  Now that I eat at home more I wouldn’t mind expanded my repertoire, especially before this one is ready for it.

Laughing, “Well you have some time to practice then ‘cause I can promise you the most gourmet she’ll want for the next ten years is hot dogs and macaroni-and-cheese.”

He laughed back remembering his own poor food choices when he was younger.

“Salome was sorry she couldn’t join us but her friend invited her to a pool party and that took priority.”

He raised an eyebrow in wonder.

“A pool party with boys!”

He smiled in understanding.  “Ah, makes sense now.  Well, that’s ok I rather like having you to myself.”

“And Emma.”

“Well, yes, and Emma.”  He reaches over to remove a cheerio stuck on the outside of her nose.  “So are you all packed up, ready to leave me?”  She laughed when she looked over to see him pouting.

Reaching out she rests her hand over top his, “I’m not leaving you silly man.  Just relocating for a little while.  I’ll be back whether you’re here or in the UK.”

He eyes her seriously through the little bit of fringe he has these days.  “Promise?”

She squeezes his hand.  “Absolutely!  I’m not going to be that stupid a second time.” 

He draws in a breath and turns his hand in hers to intertwine their fingers.  “Good to know!”  When she looks up at him he gives her a wink.

“So should I be jealous that you are going to be living with another man in New York?”  She nearly chokes while trying to stifle her laughter.

She smirks at him.  “Really?  You’re going to be jealous of Dad?” 

“He’s not really your dad.”  He deadpans.

“I know that but you do know….”

He cuts her off.  “I do, it’s just…..”

Now it’s her turn.  “I know.  But I’m looking forward to it.  So often when I am somewhere for a play I’m holed up in a one bedroom by myself and it’s lonely.  This will be fun.  No pressure and Arthur and I get along so well.  It really will be like family, a little bit of Cardiff in New York.”

He looks over to check on Emma who is happily putting a spoonful of cheerios on top of her head.  Sneaking a peek back to Alex he starts, “So how would you feel about having a bit more of the family join you there?”

She’s stopped her fork midway from her plate to stare at him.  “What do you mean darling?”  Afraid to hope for what she wants it to be.

“Well Karen and I were talking and if you don’t mind we would like to come to opening night?”  He finally looks up to see her looking back at him wide-eyed.  “Of course, not if you don’t want us there, I mean it was just a thoug….”  She reaches for his hand once more giving it a squeeze until he stops and looks back up to her.

“Darling, I would be absolutely thrilled and honored if you were there on opening night, or any night.  Oh god!”  She was fanning herself with the other hand trying to keep her emotions in check.  She beamed at him and he stared right back at her until Emma started to bang on her tray with her spoon.  He mashed up a few bites of potato for her and put it on her tray.

“Is it really going to be possible for you to get away?  I mean I want you there, definitely want you there but…..”

“Well actually I’m going to be heading back to the UK about that time.  The promotion for T2 will be done by then so I thought I would just book my ticket through New York with a few days layover.  You wouldn’t happen to know anyplace that Emma and I could stay do you?”  His eyes twinkled at her.

“You know I just might know of a lovely place, not far from the theatre, complete with two of your best friends.”  She smiles.

“Sounds perfect.”

After dinner he insisted on doing the dishes while she played with Emma.  It was getting late and nearly Emma’s bedtime.  Coming into the living room he was awed how engrossed Alex was with his child.  He could see that she loved her already, just as he had loved her daughter.  Emma seems just as enamored with her, grabbing for fistful of curls whenever they are near.  She looks up seeing him watching them from the doorway, “Hey!”

“Hey!” He returns before coming over to join them on the blanket she had spread out over the floor.  Scattered all over it were the remnants of their playing.  “Hey, I hate to be a party pooper but I need to get this one home.  It’s nearly her bedtime.”

She nodded, hiding a sniffle.  “Well then, we best get cleaned up then Ms. Emma so you can go nighty-night.”   Quietly he gathered up the toys putting them in the bag.  Alex picked up Emma so he could fold the blanket putting it with the toys.  She was holding her close to her chest leaving soft kisses along her forehead.  “So you take good care of your daddy for me ok?  I’m going to miss you both terribly but I’ll see you when you come visit me in New York.  That’ll be fun won’t it?”   She was fighting back the tears as her voice became thick.

He came over putting his long arms around both of them.  “It’s not good-bye time yet Kingston.  I’ll see you on Saturday before you leave, I promise.”  She nodded, continuing to sniffle.  He placed a kiss onto her forehead.  “Would you mind carrying her out to the car for me while I put this in the back?” 

She followed him out. She knew he could easily have carried Emma and the bag; he’s done it lots of times but she recognized what he was doing.  He was trusting her with his child and he was giving her a few more moments before they had to leave.  She was grateful for both.

After buckling Emma into her car seat he stood before Alex.  She had held back the tears well but she didn’t know for how much longer.  Their bodies were close.  He reached down for her hand twining his fingers in hers.  Leaning in he pulled her close, his face buried into her curls, her head on his shoulder.  “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too, both of you.”  He leaned back looking at her intently.  For a moment, for a fraction of a moment she thought he was going to kiss her but he stepped back squeezing her hand before opening the car door.

“I’ll see you Saturday.”

“Saturday.”  She echoed as her arms came around her frame.  Her arms felt so empty all of a sudden.  She waited until she was safely inside before she allowed the tears to flow.  ‘God, she was going to miss him so much.  How had she done this for four years?  I am such an idiot!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday she spent the day with Salome.  They shopped online for things for her dorm in Oxford.  It was practical as they could have the items shipped directly to her parent’s house.  She still wasn’t sure how Salome was planning on taking all of the things she wanted to on the plane but she decided to let that be Florian’s battle not hers.

Salome insisted on going out for ‘American food’ since she would be giving that up soon.  Alex laughed at her but indulged her none the less.  Later when they got home Alex had her show her how to look up the pictures or footage from the premiere.  After ribbing her mum mercilessly for being technology challenged she pulled up some websites where they found pictures of Matt and Karen posing on the red carpet.

He looked dashing in his pale green suit that showed off his eyes.  Karen complimented him with a gradient muted burgundy to black gown.  “Doesn’t Karen look smashing Mum?  You know I helped her pick out that gown.”  She nodded to her daughter.  Salome had only told her about a million times how she insisted that Karen should get this gown over the hideous green she had wanted.  “And that green gown would have looked awful next to Matt’s suit.  Not everyone can pull off that look like he does.

Her mum was lost in ‘that look’.  Matt looked amazing.  Not only did he look good in the suit, and with his arm around Karen….he looked happy.  He looked happy and confident.  A little part of her hoped she had something to do with him looking that way.  She knew that he sure as hell had everything to do with how happy she had been lately.

Salome closed the websites looking over at her mum.  She had that look again.  It was the same look she had seen when she was much younger and she was sure she had been thinking about Matt.  “Are you happy Mum?”  Salome surprised her from her thoughts and with her question.

“What? Of course I am, except that I’m going to miss you terribly while I’m in New York.”

“Don’t do that Mum.  You know what I mean.  Are you and Matt happy?  Cause I can tell you from my perspective I haven’t seen you this happy in over four years.”  Salome knew how to deliver an honest observation. 

She blushed, an honest to goodness blush, and at her age.  “Well I’m happy that Matt is in my life again.  I’m happy that I am getting to know Emma.”

“Yeah, me too.  I’ve missed him.  He’s so much fun to be around and he never treated me like a little kid.  Even now I can talk to him about how nervous I am going all the way to Oxford and we’ll just talk and soon I’m ok with it again.”

“You’re nervous about going to Oxford?”

“Don’t change the subject.  Are you and Matt dating?”  For some reason it no longer feels like she is talking to her young daughter of seventeen years but a much older, wiser person.

She picked at a string from the bottom of her shirt while answering.  “Um, no, not dating.  More like getting to know each other again.” 

“But you used to date…..before?”  She had never told her daughter about them dating.  Always tried to protect her from being hurt.  She supposes she had planned for the end before it even began.

Nodding her head, “Yes, we did.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”  She didn’t sound angry but more like hurt that she had been left out.

“We didn’t really tell anyone.  Only really Karen, Arthur, and Steven knew.  We wanted to keep it private; I wanted to keep it private.  I’m a lot older than Matt.  The media isn’t too kind to older woman dating younger men.”

“Is that the only reason?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Is that the only reason you didn’t want anyone to know?  Didn’t want _me_ to know?”

She rubs her hands together thinking how to answer.  “No.  As I look back on things now I realize that I never thought it would last and I was just trying to protect you, and me from the inevitable fallout.”

She nodded in understanding.  “How long did you date?”

“About a year and a half.”  Salome’s eyes registered surprise.  “From our time in Utah until about the time that Karen and Arthur left the show.

“Wow, a year and half?  And I never knew, well I had an idea but never for sure.  And then he ended things?”

Alex raised her eyebrows and shook her head.  “No, I did.”

“But why Mum?  I remember when you came back from the UK that time you were sad all the time.  I would catch you crying.  You kept saying it was because Team TARDIS had disbanded.  Even then I knew it was more than that.  Why did you end it?”

She starts to get up but Salome rests a hand on her arm.  “Mum, I’d really like to know.  Maybe it would help to talk about it.”

She hesitated before finally letting it out. “He wanted more, more than I was willing to give.  The truth is I was afraid to love him, to give him my whole heart.  So I bailed and ran home.  I managed to avoid him for four years until that day I literally ran into him at the airport.”

“And now?  How do you feel about him now?”

“Salome this is hard to talk about, especially with you.”

“I get that Mum but I see you two together and it’s like you’re both afraid of something.  I guess I’m trying to understand what that is.”

Staring off for several moments she thinks about how she feels about him now.  ‘Is she still afraid?’ “I’m afraid that too much time has passed, that too much has happened, and that it is too late to go back to what we had.  Every time I see him I remember something more about our time together and I ache for it back.”

She pulls her mum’s hand from her lap where she has been rubbing it raw with the other holding it in hers.  “Mum I don’t think you _can_ go back.”  Tears start to form in her eyes as she listens to her daughter’s innocent truths.  “You and Matt have both changed.  Matt probably the most now that his is a dad.  But you’ve changed too.  I think you have to see if you work now, with who you are now.”

Sitting there, her eyes glassy she hears her daughter’s words and wonders how she could be so wise at only seventeen.  Salome wraps her arms around her mother holding her tight.  “And just for the record I think you do work.”

“You do?”  She asks around a muffle of Salome’s curls.

“I do.”  She pulls back giving her mum a warm smile.  “So you be smashing in New York and don’t bugger this up this time.”  They both laugh.  “Cause I think you might really have a shot at being happy.”  She gave her mum another hug before heading off for the night.

She sat there for nearly an hour thinking about what they had talked about, thought about Matt, and seconded her daughter’s sentiment that she doesn’t bugger it up this time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The taxi was coming at 12 noon to pick her up.  True to his word Matt and Emma were there to see her off.  They got to her place around 11.  He offered to sit on suitcases, drag them downstairs, and even hide inside one.  She giggled at the last one.  He used to do that when she was packing to go back to LA from Cardiff.  “Can’t I hide inside one of your suitcases Kingston?  You don’t really need all these rubbish clothes do you?”  She found that this time if it would have been possible she would have said yes.

Florian was going to come by later to pick up Salome but Matt offered to drop her.  Salome loved the idea.  He helped the taxi driver with the bags while Alex said her goodbyes to Salome and Emma.  “I’m going to miss you terribly Mausi.  Make sure your dad lets me know what day you’re coming to New York so I can reserve your tickets.  Like Matt, Salome and Florian were going to layover in New York so they could see her play.  Alex was quite excited since Salome didn’t usually get to see her stage work.

“And you little one don’t grow too much.”  Salome groaned at the all too familiar words.  “I’ll be seeing you in a few weeks.”  She pulled them both into a hug giving each a kiss on the forehead.  Leaving Emma with Salome she turned and was surprised that Matt was right there.

“Well everything’s in the car.  Just waiting on you.”  He was trying to be upbeat but she could tell it was hurting him as much as it was her to have to be separated.  He reached down entwining his hand in hers, feeling her fingers over his.  He leaned in burying his face in her curls.  She laid her head on his shoulder.  “You be careful, ok?”  She nodded against his shoulder.  “I’ll see you in just a few weeks.”  He leaned back looking at her with sad eyes.  “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too, so much.”  This time she didn’t wait to see if he was going to kiss her; instead she stretched up pulling him closer so that she could kiss him.  His lips felt soft against hers and he tasted like him.  He tasted like she remembered, and she had longed for the taste.  She felt his lips pressing back against hers.  He was kissing her back.  She wanted to stay there forever but the taxi driver honked and she had a plane to catch.

Bringing her feet back to earth she looked him in the eyes as he looked back with a smile in his.  “I’ll see you soon darling.”  Before she changed her mind she quickly got in the taxi and watched as her ‘family’ waved to her as they pulled out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	16. New York City

Settling into their apartment in New York was easier than she thought it would be.  Arthur had already been there for a couple of weeks getting the lay of the land, and the basics in place.  After unpacking her suitcases she only had to sit back while Arthur dished out the Chinese take-away he had picked up for them.  “I feel so guilty Arthur.  You’ve practically taken care of everything.”

“It’s alright Alex.  I plan to take full advantage of your culinary skills in the coming weeks.”  She laughed heartily at that.

“Absolutely, any requests?”  He paused in his preparations to think.

“Do you remember that dish you made for us?  I think it might have been the first time you cooked for us.  It had a lot of seafood in it.  I want to say you said something about South America.”

“Oh you mean paella?”

“Yeah, I think that was it.”  He came over to the sofa a plate in each hand.  “Hmmmm.  I remember we talked about it for days after.”  Taking a seat next to Alex he started in on his Kung Pao Chicken.

“Well if I made that for just the two of us we would be eating it for days after.  You can’t make just a little.  Maybe that is what I should make when Matt and Karen get here.  It would be a proper Team TARDIS reunion then.”  Taking a bite of her Sesame Chicken, obscene sounds come from her lips.  “Oh my god this is so good.  I don’t know I may decide I never need to cook again!”

He looks over at her warily.  “So not sure, should I ask?” 

“Ask what?”

“You and Matt?”  She stops mid-chew to stare at him.  “I mean I’ve talked to him and I’ve talked to Karen but I wasn’t sure from your perspective what was happening, especially since he is coming here.”

She eyes him carefully.  “What did they tell you?”

“Ah, nice try.”  He points at her with his chopsticks.  “That won’t get you out of answering the question.” 

She dabs at her mouth with the napkin thinking what to say.  “Arthur I know that four years ago I did a stupid, stupid thing by breaking up with Matt.  From talking with Karen, I realize now how much I really hurt him.  Honestly at the time I didn’t think he would take it that hard.  I guess that shows what an idiot I was.  Matt never does things halfway.”  He’s stopped eating to give her his undivided attention.

“Two months ago I literally ran into him at the Heathrow Airport.  We hadn’t seen or spoken to each other in those four years.  He was so kind and welcoming to me in his hello I have to say I was shocked.  We ended up talking in the VIP Lounge until ….. wait, I’m guessing you’ve already heard this part?”

“Yes, from both Karen and Matt but you can continue if you like.”

“Well I won’t go into all of the details then but after we had only shared a cup of tea I already missed him.  When the opportunity came for me to sit next to him on the flight I took it without thinking.  By the end of the flight I think I was already in love with him again.  Actually that’s not true because I never fell out of love with him; I just tried to hide it from myself for a really long time.”

“Does Matt know this part?”

“No, not really.  You’re not going to tell him are you?”  Her heart races with the thought that although they may be friends; he is Matt’s friend first.

He raises his hands in surrender.  “Hey I’m just the innocent bystander in this relationship.  That’s not up to me.”  She lets out a breath and takes a sip of wine.  “So what should I expect when he gets here?  Will I need a supply of balloons for the door handles?”

Her face scrunches up trying to figure out what he is talking about when she remembers about the Doctor going on about putting up a balloon when Rory and Amy were doing ‘married things’.  Her face goes red then she giggles.  Arthur is feeling quite chuff in that he got Alex Kingston to both blush AND giggle!  “No, I don’t think any balloons will be necessary.  We haven’t made that much progress.  I’m not sure if we ever will.”

“What makes you say that?”  He grabs an eggroll from the plate in the center.

“Trust.  I broke his trust along with his heart.  Unfortunately I wasn’t the only one to do that to him.  He’s guarded now.  I don’t know if he will ever feel safe enough with me to let me that close again.”

Arthur sits watching her as she goes back to her Sesame Chicken.  He takes a long pull on his beer before he says, “Remind you of anyone else?”

“Hmm?”  She had been lost in her thoughts when he spoke.

“It sounds to me that Matt is a lot like you these days.”

“I don’t follow.”

He leans forward putting his beer on the table.  “Really Alex?  He sounds just like you after two marriages went south.”  She winces.  It’s one thing when she says it but to hear it from someone else, that hurts.  “I’m sorry that was unkind of me.”

“Yes, a bit but you’re right.  Matt’s been hurt, his trust shattered.  If anyone can understand that, that would be me.”

“Maybe you’re just the right person to make him feel whole again.”

Her mind is already thinking of how badly she hurt him and how can anything she does ever make up for that.  “Maybe.”  She mumbles.

When they finish dinner it’s late by New York clocks, nearly 10:30pm.  They have to be at the theatre by 8 the next morning so Arthur begs off to go get some sleep.  She’s still on west coast time and is a bit keyed up from their conversation.  She thinks about calling Matt but one look at the clock tells her he’ll be giving Emma a bath right about now.  She’ll wait.  In the hour that she waits she has reorganized her closet, washed the dishes from dinner, inventoried the cabinets, and a made a shopping list.  She knows she should try to get to bed at a reasonable time for the east coast or she’s is going to greatly regret that in the morning.  Before calling Matt she completes her night time rituals and gets into her pajamas.

As she’s scrolling through the contacts for his name she thinks how intimate it feels to be calling him while lying in bed.  It reminds her of the many calls they used to have across the Atlantic with one or both of them in bed.  Suddenly feeling hot she wonders if calling him now is such a good idea.  Her finger wasn’t paying attention to her head and pushed the call button.

“Alex?  Are you alright?”

She laughs into the phone.  “Of course I’m alright.  Why did you ask?”

“Well ‘cause I thought I’d hear from you much sooner, that’s all.”

“Didn’t you get my text?  I sent you a text as soon as I landed.”

“No.”

“What?  Really?   I must have hit the blasted cancel button again.  I’m sorry darling.  I didn’t mean for you to worry.  I thought I had texted you and then I was waiting until I thought Emma was asleep to call you.”

Quiet…..

Sitting up in the bed, “Matt?  Are you there?”  She was trying hard to not let the panic show through her voice.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Matt, I swear I thought I sent you a text.  I’ve been talking Arthur’s ear off about you all night.  I’ve spent the last hour trying to find things to occupy myself until I knew you’d be able to talk.  This was absolutely not me trying to do something stupid like walk away from you again.”

She could practically hear his grin through the phone.  “Glad to hear that, Kingston.”  She let out a deep sigh.  “So tell me all about New York.”

They spent the next hour with her telling him about New York, the apartment, and Arthur.  He related to her about taking Salome to her dad’s and what Emma had gotten up to in her absence.  By the time they got off the phone it was pushing one in the morning east coast time.  She was going to seriously regret this in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since they had practically lived on top of each other in Cardiff they didn’t feel uncomfortable sharing a flat.  That was evident when Arthur walked out in his pants to get his morning coffee. “Mornin”.  Seeing Arthur Darvill walking about in his pants was not that unusual.

Arthur and Alex had always been close.  They shared their weird affinity for off-beat theatre, they shared Who, and they complimented each other in personalities.  This all came in handy as they tackled a challenging play with only three weeks to prepare.

He had no idea why he was doing it but he took a picture of her phone where she had clearly canceled her message to Matt about arriving in NYC. He then sent it to Matt with the message, “ _I was told to send this to you.”_   When they talked later that night he apologized to Alex for not trusting her.

Arthur became her confidant in regards to her feelings about Matt and Emma.  She never divulged what she knew about the child’s mother.  Arthur helped her understand her feelings for Matt, and he gave her some insight about Matt’s feelings having been there after she had ended things the last time.  It was during this time that she truly began to understand the extent of the damage she had done to him, and how indirectly she had driven him into the arms of another. 

Much to Arthur’s dismay their talks went both ways.  She helped Arthur see that despite dating a lot of woman he always kept looking for the same type: Karen.  He didn’t want to believe that, denied it repeatedly but the more they talked the more it made sense to him.  But he was not about to give Alex Kingston the satisfaction of knowing that.

 

These past years Karen had been Matt’s rock. These last few years had been rough for him first in getting through the break up with Alex and then later the whole mess with whatshername. She’d also been the best auntie his daughter could have asked for despite her restriction that she didn’t change nappies. He had depended on her heavily and as always she was a life saver but she had her own career and had been busy filming as of late. Alex became a good sounding board for Matt as he faced his fears about Emma’s mother and the legal date as it came ever closer.

It seemed like in no time the three weeks had flown by and Arthur and Alex were busy preparing for their play to open and their guests to arrive.  Alex wasn’t sure which made her more nervous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	17. The Gangs All Here!

Come Saturday the 5th Alex is a nervous wreck.  Arthur is glad that they have rehearsal that day so that she has something to keep her occupied.  Matt and Karen’s flight should land about 5, so with traffic they should be at their flat between 6 and 6:30.  Alex must have looked at her watch a million times that day.  She swore time was purposely moving slower.

Arthur grabbed a beer and flopped on the sofa when they made it back to the flat a little after 5.   Alex proceeded to buzz around the place straightening everything even though Arthur was certain she had done that yesterday.  He decided it was best to say nothing.  Karen had texted him about the time they had arrived home that they had just landed.  He didn’t tell Alex because quite honestly he thought it would make her even more nervous, if that was even possible.

At 6:15 their buzzer rang and she practically jumped out of her skin.  Arthur came behind her placing a calming hand on her back.  “Take a breath.”  He simulated some deep breathing exercises that they sometimes used on stage.  “Everything’s perfect.  You ok now?”  She nodded.  “Ok, let’s go greet our guests.”

When they got to the lobby of the building they saw Matt, Karen, and Emma standing next to a mound of luggage.  “Good god Moonhead how much luggage do you need?”  Arthur mocked immediately.

“Hey it wasn’t me this time!  Talk to your mate over there.”  She pointed to Matt as she gave Arthur a hug.

“Not mine neither.  It’s all Emma’s stuff.” 

Arthur went to shake Matt’s hand but his eyes were elsewhere.  He smiled as his eyes took in Alex.  She was wearing a flowery sundress that showed off her toned arms and just a touch of cleavage.  Her hair was a glorious riot of curls, possibly the curliest he has ever seen it.  She smiled at him as she drank in the sight of him.  ‘Had it only been three weeks?  It seemed much longer?’

Arthur coughed, then turned to Karen.  “So Moonhead, why don’t we get some of this luggage upstairs?  You guys did realize we lived in a walk-up didn’t you?”

Matt came out of his daze.  “Oh sorry, I’ll help with that.  It’s just that since Emma and I are going back to the UK from here we had to pack all of her stuff.”

“Yeah, yeah.”  Arthur said.  “Look, give Alex a proper hello and then you can carry your load.  I’ll show Kaz the way to our place.  Come on Moonhead.”

“Oi! Stop calling me Moonhead!”  Alex rolled her eyes as the bickering had already begun.

She slowly walked over to where Matt and Emma were standing.  “Hello.”

He smiled back at her, “Hello.”  Taking a step forward he pulled her into a hug with him and Emma.

When he leaned back she turned to Emma, “Hello Ms. Emma did you enjoy your flight with daddy and Auntie Karen?”  Emma smiled at her reaching for her curls.  “Well I think she at least remembers me.”  She said to Matt.  He was still staring at her but she couldn’t be sure why.

“Well of course she remembers you.  She was all Alex this and Alex that.” He gestures wildly with his free hand.

Alex rolls her eyes at him.  “Really darling, because she can’t even talk yet.”

He smiles with a gleam in his eye as he taps his finger on his chin.  “Oh yeah, that was me!”

She laughs at him.  “Well how about I carry Ms. Emma and you carry up the last of the luggage.”

He pouts.  “That doesn’t seem fair!”

“Of course it is darling.  It’s your luggage.”  She takes Emma from his arms and heads up the stairs.  She can hear him groaning under the weight of the bags all the way up the stairs.

When she enters the flat Arthur and Karen are already laid back on the sofa with a beer in their hands.  “Well I see some things never change.”  She observes as she walks past them to her room showing Matt where to put the bags.

He drops the bags on the floor then falls on the bed in exhaustion.  “Oh my god Kingston you walk up that every day?”

She sits beside him holding Emma in her lap.  “What’s the matter darling?  I thought you were supposed to be in such great shape.  Mr. I’ve Got a Trainer.”

He glares at her then decides he’d rather be happy to see her instead.  Sitting up he looks around the room.  “Is this your room?”

“Yeah, I thought we’d set Emma up in here.  Keep her away from Arthur’s smoking.  My friend Janice from the theatre lent me her playyard so she would have a place to sleep.”  Matt noticed the playyard in the corner for the first time.  “Don’t worry I washed the sheets and everything.”

“My goodness Alex.  I didn’t mean for you to go to all this trouble.”

She waves him off.  “I was happy to do it.  So do you want to get her things out so we can get her settled?”  He reaches over for her hand rubbing it as she talks.

“Yeah I should probably change her nappie. It’s been awhile.”  He starts to get up.

“Just bring me the bag and I’ll change her.”  He looks back as he heads out the door.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course, it’s not like I haven’t changed a nappie before.”  Then she freezes up realizing he may not _want_ her to.  She looks up at him nervously.  “Unless you don’t want me to.”

He laughs at that.  “Oh no, that’s not it.  I’m just not used to anyone offering.  It’s Kaz’s one restriction to babysitting – no nappie changes!”  She relaxes as he heads out to find the nappie bag.

Within a half hour Emma’s stuff has taken over Alex’s room.  She has been happily playing with her on her bed while he readied everything.  He’s just about finished when Kaz whines from the living room.  “Hey you guys going to hog Emma all night?  Darvill here wants some uncle time.”

He plucks Emma off the bed, “What do you say we go say hi to Uncle Arthur, heh?”  He takes Emma out depositing her on Karen’s lap.  He whispers, “Give me five minutes, ok?”

She gives him a salute.  “Take your time.  I’ve seen enough of you today anyways.”  Turning to Emma.  “So Emma do you remember your Uncle Arthur?  Yeah, I know he’s scruffy looking but he’s a pretty ok guy.” 

Matt smiles as he heads back to the bedroom.  Alex was just heading out when he steps in.  “Hey where you going?”

“I thought I would join everybody out…”  He slips his arms around her pulling her close to him.

His face in her hair he mumbles, “Missed you.”

Quietly she responds, “I missed you too darling.”

Leaning back he takes in the curves of her face, tracing them with his fingertips.  “Besides I haven’t given you a proper hello.”  He leans in pressing his lips to hers.  She melts into them enjoying their feel against hers, the taste of him.  His tongue passes over her lips asking for permission and she readily gives it.  When they part her breath is ragged as he leans against her forehead.

“You kissed me?”  She rasps rather breathlessly.

“I did.”                                                                                                                                                                     

“Umm?”

“You started it!”  He teases.

“Oh yeah, I did didn’t I?  We never talked about that.  Are you ok with that?”

“Uh Alex, I think I already answered that question.”

She thinks for a moment.  “Oh!  Yeah!  I guess you did.”

He pulls back taking her hand in his, “Are you ready for Team TARDIS bonding to begin?”

“I am.”  She smiles brightly at him as he drags her back out to the living area.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Since Emma is still on west coast time she’s up rather late, 11:00pm New York time.  After she has said her night nights to everyone he takes her in to get her to sleep in Alex’s room.  “Just let me get my night stuff out of the room so I won’t disturb her later.”  She hurries ahead of him to gather her things.

“You should have everything you need for the night darling.  Just let me know if you need anything else.”  Along with her night clothes, she has picked up a pillow and blanket.  “There’s a small night light over there so you can see to get up in the night with her.”

“I’m sleeping in here?”

“Of course!  I know you wouldn’t want to be too far from her, and it might be scary for her waking up in a strange place.”

Suddenly realizing the pillow and blanket weren’t meant for him.  “And you?” 

“Oh I’ll be out on the sofa.”

“Alex, I’m not kicking you out of your bed!”  He’s swaying his hips as he continues to lull Emma to sleep.

“Matt, its ok.  You need to be next to Emma.  I’ll be fine.”

He levels her with a look.  “I’m sure we could share the bed Kingston.  It’s not like we haven’t before.”  Her cheeks flush warm and she drops her eyes to the floor.

In a quiet voice, slightly above a whisper, “You’d be ok with that?”

He waits until her eyes meet his before he answers, “Yeah, I would.”  He adds, “Just to sleep.”

“Of course.”  She chokes out thrilled that he is even willing to give her that much.  Yes, they slept in the same bed the night of Salome’s graduation but neither of them really remember it and their emotions were so raw that no one could know if that meant anything or not.  “If you’re sure?”  She asks again.

“I am.”  Emma is nearly asleep in his arms.  He has been expertly swaying back and forth throughout their conversation.  Moving next to them she places a gently kiss on Emma’s head and then an equally gentle kiss on his cheek before leaving him alone with his child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After quite a few of ‘Karen’s games’ the three of them are decidedly tipsy.  Karen mocks Matt endlessly for not drinking with them.  “Smithers, you’re no fun anymore. 

Hours later Matt is on the sofa, Karen is practically laying on him to the right with Alex sitting to his left.  Arthur is on the floor in front of the sofa managing his IPod sound system that sits on the coffee table.  He is hosting/refereeing a music game between Matt and Karen.  Alex gave up ages ago.  Matt has won the last three rounds, most likely due to his sober state, but Karen refuses to give him the crown.  “Try another one stupid face and not just the ones Smithers likes!”  It’s nearly two in the morning but she refuses to back down.  “You two are cheating.  I know it!”

When Emma wakes crying Matt hurries quickly in to calm her before she wakes herself entirely.  When he comes back out they are listening to a classic song from the sixties.  No doubt Alex’s influence.  Well he thought they were listening until he realized that all their eyes were closed, and Arthur was without a doubt snoring.  Karen had fallen into Alex’s lap when he dashed off to attend to Emma.  Apparently Alex had been running her hands through Karen’s hair as they were still tangled among the red tresses.  Leaning his head back on the sofa Arthur begins to reverberate the room with his snoring.

He laughs as he takes in the scene.  “It looks like I’m the designated driver again.”  He grumbles.  Carefully he untangles Alex’s hands from Karen’s hair before he easily lifts Karen, carrying her back to Arthur’s bed.  He pulls the covers over her tiny frame. 

Next he begins to pick Alex up but she rouses at his movements.  “Huh?  What?”

“Time for bed Kingston.”  Sliding his arm under hers he helps her from the sofa guiding her into the bedroom.

“You’re puttin me to bed?”  She slurs a bit.

Gently he quiets her.  “Shhh, Kingston.  Emma’s asleep.”  He sits her on the edge of the bed to take off her shoes but as soon as he lets go she falls into the pillow.  Smirking he removes her shoes and socks lifting her legs to the bed.  

Standing there watching her with only the night light glowing he is reminded how beautiful she really is.  It’s not that he doesn’t notice it at other times but he has been working hard to keep it all in check.  When he remembers back to the ‘them’ from before he remembers how utterly besotted he was with her.  He had gone all in on their relationship.  It wasn’t until much later that he found out _she hadn’t_.

If he’s honest he’s wary of this new friendship/relationship with Alex.  He can’t be sure how much of it is real, and how much of it is what he wants it to be.  He’s more protective of his heart now.  Alex, and then later Emma’s mother taught him you don’t always get what you want.

He sighs as he pulls the covers up around her.  She surprises him by grabbing his hand as he does.  Pulling his hand to her chest she seems happy to have a part of him next to her, “Love you.”  She utters.

Gently he gets her to release his hand before leaning down kissing her forehead.  “Love you too, Kingston.”  When he pulls back he continues to watch her face as if it has the answers he seeks.  “Will it be enough this time?”

Walking around the bed he checks on Emma once more before pulling off his shirt and tossing it on the chair.  He keeps his joggers on because no matter what he says he knows that being this close to Alex is going to be difficult.  He slides beneath the covers resting his back against hers.  The warmth of her against him gives him a sense of home that he hasn’t had in a very long time.  Closing his eyes he dares to hope that they can have what they once did.

When Emma cries out a few hours later he realizes that Alex is practically laying on top of him.  They must have both moved in their sleep; their bodies remembering best how they both like to sleep.  After quieting her back to sleep he laid back down on his side watching over his daughter.  He could hear Alex’s gentle snores from where she laid behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	18. Getting Reacquainted

When morning came he was startled awake by the insistent cry from the crib behind him.  As he tried to turn in her direction he realized that his one arm was pinned beneath Alex and his other was slung over her waist, his hand pressing into her abdomen.  He was more than a little surprised to realize that he had at some point in the night gathered Alex into his arms. 

Carefully sliding out from under her he turned to see his baby girl smiling at him.  “Good morning Princess.”  He picked her up rubbing their noses together.  Quietly he exited the room grabbing the nappie bag on his way.  He was surprised to see the lounge empty but not surprised that they were the first up.

Her nappie changed.   He took two headache pills and a glass of water to her bedside table before heading back to the kitchen to make tea.  He and Emma were awake nearly two hours before there was any other movement in the flat.  It was Alex who shuffled out in her fluffy robe with the oversized pockets.   She didn’t seem to notice them on the sofa as she reached for a cup and poured the already brewed tea.

Taking her first sip she turned to look out the living room window over the kitchen counter.  “Good morning.”  The sound of someone’s voice caused her to jump spilling tea on her robe.  She looked in the direction of the voice to see him sitting on the sofa with Emma in his lap.  They were reading a soft book that since he had stopped reading she took the opportunity to taste thoroughly.  She started to smile until the act caused her head to ache.

“Ooohh.”  She put down her tea cup, holding her head with both hands.

She could hear him scoffing at her.  “A little too much fun last night, Kingston?”

Oh she hated him.  Keeping one hand holding her head up the other reached for the tea praying that its restorative properties would soon kick in.  Shuffling over to the sofa she gently sat on the opposite end from him and Emma.  Emma was looking over at her probably wondering why she hadn’t spoken to her yet.

She turned propping her feet up on the sofa and laying her head back against the arm rest.  “Why did you let me drink so much?”  She whined.

He laughed.  “Since when is that up to me?  If I remember correctly I did remind you after you and Karen had done four shots in a row.  You should know by now you can never keep up with the Scottish girl.” 

He was enjoying this too much.  Opening one eye she gave him a murderous look. “It’s a good thing you are holding your child.  That is the only thing keeping me from murdering you right now.”

Talking to Emma he says, “Alex doesn’t really mean what she’s saying Princess.  Her head is just not feeling so good right now.  Maybe we should make her a bit of breakfast.  What do you think?  Do you think that would help?”  Emma smiled up at him.

From under a pillow that she had grabbed to hide from the light he heard, “Toast.”.

He’s in the kitchen making toast when they hear a loud Scottish screech, followed by a loud thud.  Just as he looks in the direction of Arthur’s room he hears him say, “But it’s _my_ room!”  Arthur comes clomping out of his room in only his pants and flops on the couch next to Alex.

Alex whines, “Oooohhhh, stop moving the room.”

It’s a looooonnngggg morning.  By the time Matt gets everyone toast and tea it’s time for Emma’s nap.  Apparently his flatmates thought that was a brilliant idea and found an appropriate place for their own sleeping.  Matt wasn’t sure what to do.  He wasn’t tired and he couldn’t even watch telly since Darvill was spread out on the sofa. 

He decided to go for a walk.  Emma was sure to sleep for at least the next hour and a half, besides Alex was in the room with her.  Also Karen was there too in case she woke before he got back.  He nicked Arthur’s keys from the side table and headed onto the New York streets. 

He loved being in New York; he just never seemed to be able to get here.  Of course when he came for work related events he never got to really just walkabout, always having somewhere to be.  He took in the sights and smells around him in this vibrant city.  Being a Sunday not all of the shops were open but there was still a bustle about as he looked in the windows.  The fragrances around him came from the many restaurants and delis in the area.  He figured they catered to the theatre crowd that this part of the city seemed to draw.  As he took in one after another he decided he would pick them up lunch on his way back to the flat.

The order he placed had taken longer than he thought it would so nearly two hours had passed when he finally arrived back.  Walking into the flat he saw that all of its occupants were awake and looking much happier, including his precious daughter.  “There’s daddy.”  Alex said to Emma who was sitting in her lap playing a round of ‘hide the baby’. 

He placed the take away bags on the counter before coming over to the lounge area.  “Well I see everyone is looking much better at this hour.”  He announced.

“Shut up Smithers.  It’s not nice to gloat just because you didn’t drink.”  She gave him an evil look.

He retorted.  “Hey is that anyway to treat the person who fed you toast and tea all morning and carried your arse to bed?”

“Oh so you’re the one who put her in my bed?”  Arthur pipes up.  “Why?”

“Cause she needed to go to sleep and she was laying all over Alex.  I had to move her to get Alex up and into her bed.”

“And you left me sleeping on the floor?!?  Thanks a lot mate.”

He looks over to his friend sheepishly.  “Yeah, sorry about that.  I meant to come back and move you but I forgot.”

Arthur gives him a look of distain.

Matt remembers the take away on the counter.  “But I did bring lunch!  Perhaps that would make up for it.”  Arthur is out of the chair and across the room before Matt finishes his sentence.

Alex rises and hands him Emma.  “Oh you know the way to my flatmate’s heart darling.”  She kisses his cheek before heading into the kitchen to get out plates and silverware.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After lunch Matt corners Karen to ask her a favor.  “Hey Kaz, I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind watching Emma for a few hours this afternoon?”

She eyes him suspiciously.  “It depends.  It wouldn’t be so you two can go into the other room to shag would it?”

His face turns red all the way to the tips of his ears.  “Kaz, no!  Alex and I are nowhere near that point in our relationship.”

“Really?  Says the man who slept in her bed last night.”  She eyes him with concerned.

He rubs his hand across the back of his neck.  “Yes, the key word is slept.  That’s all.”

“Really?”  Her eyes go a bit wide.

Looking over at her he gives her a serious look, “Yes, really.  We need to take this slow….or….maybe…. not at all.”

Walking over to him she rests her hand on his arm before she looks up to him, “You doing ok?   With all of this?”, the concern evident across her face.

“Yeah, I….I think so.  It’s all so confusing sometimes.  Sometimes I think we can go back to what we had and other times I don’t think it’s even a possibility.”  He wraps an arm around her waist as she lays her head against his shoulder.

After several minutes, “Maybe you can’t.”  She declares from his shoulder.  He pulls back to look her in the face to understand what she means.  “I mean maybe you can’t go back, but maybe you can go forward.”

He pulls her back again, “Maybe.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Emma safely in Karen and Arthur’s care he and Alex head out for a bit.  As they walk down the street he’s not sure what to do.  ‘Should they hold hands?’  There was a time she would have even when they were keeping their relationship a secret.  “Friends hold hands.”  She had told him.

It all feels so awkward between them.  When they were back in LA they were just starting to get comfortable in each other’s presence again.  Of course that would be at her house or his and then they would go home to their own places each night.  And they always had Emma as a buffer between them.

Now, here it felt….more intimate.  They had slept in the same bed.  They were doing the activities they used to do with Team TARDIS and then go to bed together as they had done for a year and a half a lifetime ago.  How were they supposed to act with each other?  What did any of it mean?

Matt shoved his hands into his front pockets as they walked down the street peering in shops.  Alex was talking animatedly about some of the specialties in the shops and which ones she adored.  He listened as he always did.  The sound of her voice like a siren song to his heart.  

A couple blocks into their walk she pulled him into a coffee shop she assured him made a ‘respectable cup of tea’.  Taking their togo cups with them they walked back out into the sunshine.  When they came upon a small neighborhood park after another block he announced “A park Kingston!  We should have a sit and drink our tea.”  There was an empty bench near the entrance with a small raised garden behind it.  Most of the other adults were sitting on the benches closer to the play structures watching over their children.  As he sat his eyes lit up as he watched several of the children as they ran and played. 

Watching him she could see his childlike wonder peeking out behind the responsible parent he had become.  It made her smile.  “You know darling before you know it you’re going to be chasing Emma around one of these parks.”

Turning to her he bubbled, “I can’t wait!  Not that I don’t adore her at the baby stage.”

Laughing she comments, “Yeah I think she’s going to be pretty adorable at every stage.”  She seems so open and free with him sometimes, like now.

He’s watching her waiting for the mask to reappear.  “Even in the adorable going off to college stage?”  And the mask slips back into place.  She smiles at him but he can see it comes nowhere near her eyes.  “Why do you do that?”

“Do what?”  She genuinely has no idea what he’s talking about.

He turns to face her on the bench.  “Hide how you are feeling from me.  I know it’s hard on you that Salome is going off to university.  But you try to act like it doesn’t matter instead of opening up to me.”

Her eyes drop to the paper tea cup in her hands.  “Is that what you want Matt?”  She sneaks a peek at his face.

“I want there not to be any lies or half-truths between us.  I want us to be able to be open the way…..”  He started to say the way they used to be but he was reminded that that was only really true for him.  Alex hadn’t been open at all.  Not sure how to finish that sentence he instead looked over at the children coming down the slide.

“I want there not to be any lies or half-truths either.”  He heard her say before turning back to her.  “You have to understand it’s not always that easy for me.”

“To talk to me, to tell me the truth?”

She reaches for his hand taking it from around his tea cup.  “Not just you Matt, everyone.  I have been doing this dance for so long; I’m not sure I know how to stop.”

His fingers play with hers, it feels familiar and yet brand new.  “I think it’s time you did ……with me.”  She smiles as she watches their fingers slide over one another relishing the feel of each other.  “Alex.”  When she looks up at him he continues.  “I can’t be sure where we are going to end up but I know now that I will always be your friend.  And friends, true friends tell each other the truth.”

She stares into his deep eyes remembering how he told her the truth about Emma.  How he trusted her with something so important to him.  ‘Why do I still hold back from him?’  Because she knows he could crush her.  ‘Isn’t that why she built all those walls in the first place?’  She abruptly turns to stare at the flowers behind them as the memories come flooding back of how badly she hurt him in the name of protecting her heart.

Avoiding his gaze, she continues to stare at the colors in the flowers.  “I want to.  I do.  I’m scared.”

He pulls at her hand until she looks back at him.  “You want to know a secret Kingston?  I’m scared too.”  She gives him a watery smile.  “I’m scared as hell that one of us is going to bollocks this up and it’s going to hurt like hell………..but I’m more scared that now that I have you back in my life that we would let fear keep us from even trying.” 

A small tear rolls down her cheek.  ‘God, she loves this man.  He knows her.  She’s hurt him, badly and yet he still wants her in his life.  She doesn’t deserve him but if he’ll let her she’d spend the rest of her life getting him to trust her again.’  Moving closer, she wraps her arms around him as he does the same to her.  He’s always made her feel so loved and safe in his arms.  It’s about time she did the same for him.

From his shoulder she says quietly, “It’s not that I don’t know she will do brilliant at university.  I’m worried about her.  God, I hope she makes better decisions than I did at that age……….”  They talked about their hopes, dreams, and fears for their children for the better part of an hour.  It helped; they felt closer.  It was time to head back.

Patting him on the chest, “We best be getting back darling I need to start dinner.”

“You don’t have to cook.  There are at least a dozen places we could pick up dinner at on the way back.”  He says taking their cups and throwing them in the bin.

She takes his hand this time as they walk.  “I know we could but it was Arthur’s only request when we moved in.”

“What for you to cook for him?”

She ignored the jealous tone in his voice.  “He’d asked me to make the dish I made the first night I cooked for us in Cardiff.  I told him I would make it when you and Karen got here.”  They had exited the park and were walking back toward the flat.

He’s trying to remember what that was but honestly Alex has made him so many dinners and they were all wonderful he has no idea.  “What was that?”

“Paella.”

His eyes brightened.  “Oh is that the one with the seafood and the spices?”  She nods.  He quickens their steps.  “Then what are we waiting for Kingston!  Let’s get a move on.”  She laughs at him.  He is so ridiculous sometimes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Laying back on the sofa, chair, and floor everyone is quite full after the glorious dinner that Alex prepared.  “God Alex, that was even better than I remembered.”  Arthur declared.  He was rubbing his stomach while sipping the South American wine she had chosen to go with the meal.

Matt sipped at his wine as he sat next to Alex on the sofa.  Karen was lying in the chair with her legs over the side, Emma in her lap.  “So Ms. Emma, you going to see Grandmum and Grandpap soon?”  Emma was gurgling and smiling happily at her as if they were having an actual conversation.  “I’m going to miss having you around.”  She was pouting and pressing raspberry kisses into her belly.

Matt could feel the knot in his throat as he listened to Karen with his daughter.  Karen has been there much of her life.  It seemed that whenever he had gone back to the UK; she had needed to go as well.  This time she was needed in Vancouver for filming.  He wasn’t going to have Kaz nearby, or Alex.  He was grateful that his mum and dad would be available.  They adored Emma and took great pleasure in spoiling their only grandchild. 

He tried not to think about what could happen in the next six weeks.  It was possible that his entire world could be upended if _she_ decided she wanted to be in Emma’s life.  His eyes rested on the wine glass in his hand.  It suddenly felt like it could burn him and he couldn’t wait to sit it on the table in front of them.  His action must have caught Alex’s eye because she looked over to him.  She was alarmed by the pale ashen look on his face.  Grabbing his hand she made him look at her whispering, “Are you ok darling?”

He forced a smile and nodded.  Unconvinced she tugged on his hand to get him to follow her to her room.  “We’ll just be a minute.”  She said to Arthur and Karen.  Not letting go she lead him to the bed where they sat on the edge.  As soon as they sat she turned to him, “Ok, out with it.  What’s the matter?”

“It’s nothing Kingston.  You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”  He tried to brush it off.

She leveled him with a look, “What happened to no more lies and half-truths?”

Damn her.  He let out a long breath.  “Ok, but it’s not that big a deal.  It’s just sometimes I’ll just think about the countdown to her birthday and what could go wrong and I panic.”

“Is that what happened out there?”  Her eyes expressed concern.

“Yeah.”  He runs his hand through his hair.  “I don’t know I guess Kaz talking about being at mum and dad’s.  I realized how soon her first birthday is and what that means, legally.  I sorta lost it for a minute.”

Scooting closer she pulls him into a hug, just holding him close.  “I’m here if you ever need someone to hold on to.”

He leans back looking upon her face.  “I guess that’s the other part of the panic.  I won’t have you or Kaz to help me through these next few weeks.  I know it’s selfish.  I have imposed enough, especially in Karen’s life this past year.  I just don’t know how I’m going to get through it.”  His bottom lip quivers slightly as worry seems to overtake his face again.

“Oh darling, you still have us.  Granted we might not be able to physically hold your hand but we are only a phone call away.  Day or night you can always call us.”  She smiled assuredly at him.

“Really?”

“Really.  Absolutely. Positively.”  She punctuated each word with a peck to his lips.

“Um, I’m not sure if I am receiving the message correctly.  Perhaps you need to deliver it more directly?”

“Oh you mean like this.”  She leans in pressing her lips firmly to his, immediately he opens to her feeling her tongue entwine with his.  The taste of her ignites his heart and calms his panic.  When they leave her room he is much happier.  He doesn’t even mind the smirks he receives from Arthur and Karen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt and Alex decide to make an early night of it turning in shortly after they put Emma to bed at 11.  Alex is nervous about opening night tomorrow and Matt’s a bit knackered from the flight and the long day.  Karen and Arthur tease them mercilessly.

She’s already in bed when he comes back from the bathroom.  Lying on her back she tries to not think about sharing the bed with Matt tonight.  She was grateful for being drunk last night, not giving it a second thought.  When he came back in he checked on Emma who seemed sound asleep.  Slipping under the covers in only his joggers he tried laying as she was on his back clearly not touching.

Almost instantly her hand reached for his intertwining their fingers.  Feeling her hand in his was calming.  She rooted him in a way no one ever did.  He couldn’t help it but he felt more at home when he was with her then at any other time, even now. 

She turned on her side looking over to him from her pillow, their hands continued to slowly caress each other’s.  “Are you feeling better darling?”

He turned on his pillow looking into her sparkling green eyes.  “You mean about the legal stuff?”

“Yeah.  Or anything.”

He eyes her carefully before he answers.  “The legal stuff….I don’t know.  I don’t think I’m going to be able to breathe easy until things are finalized.  The closer it gets the more I seem to panic.”  She squeezes his hand reassuring him that she is there.  “You know when she was first born I was very resentful that her mother didn’t want to be a part of her life.  I couldn’t understand it, still can’t.  But as Emma and I got to know each other, we found our own rhythm, we became our own family.  I…I know this makes me sound like a horrible person but I don’t want her to want Emma.  I want her to sign those papers and then never see us again.”

Her other hand grazed his cheek calming the anger in him.  “I can understand that Matt.  She’s not done right by you or your child.  It’s hard to know what will happen between now and then.  Has she tried to contact you at all in this past year?”

“No.”

“Not even through her attorneys?”

“No.  I haven’t seen or heard from her since the day Emma was born.”

She traces her fingertips over his cheek.  “Then I doubt she will now.  If she had regrets about her decision I think she would have done something about it by now.”

“Do you really think that or are you just saying that to make me feel better?”

She stops caressing his cheek to level him with a serious look.  “Matt, you and I are parents.  We know what it feels like to be away from our child, even for short periods of time.  If she was any kind of parent she could never have stayed away this long.  So yes, I really think that.”

He turns kissing the palm of the hand laying on his cheek.  “Thanks Kingston.”  He smiles at her.  “Now what about you?”

Her eyes widen.  “What about me?” 

“What’s got you all nervous?”

She pulls her hand away from his cheek tucking it under her own cheek.  “Me? Nervous?” 

“Yeah, you nervous.  Am I making you feel uncomfortable sharing the bed with you?  I could go sleep on the sofa.”

She pulls her hand back out laying it against his chest.  “No. Well, yes but no.”

He laughs.  “Well now that was clear as mud.”

Blushing she turns her face into the pillow.  He lifts his head to watch over her.  ‘Should he leave?  Is this too close too soon?’  “Kingston?  Would you like me to go?”

She tugs on his hand still enveloped in hers and summons the courage to face him.  “No, I don’t.  I’m just nervous about you being here.  I mean I know I shouldn’t be since we slept here last night but I don’t really remember that much of it and then we also slept in the same bed the night of Salome’s graduation but that was just….well…..yeah.  So yeah, I’m nervous.”

He looks over at her with soft understanding eyes.  “Alex I’m happy that we can be here with each other.  I have missed being close to you.”

“Me too.”  She echoes.

“Now I don’t know if this will make you feel better or worse about things but we promised honesty.”  She nodded.  “So…”  He dropped his eyes to their entwined hands.  “I’m not ready for anything more than that right now.  I’ve got a lot to work out about Emma, and about you and me.  If we decide that we want our relationship to be more than friends I have to be sure this time……. of both of us.”  He doesn’t look up afraid what her face might say.

It’s her that tilts his chin up so he can see in her eyes.  “I understand Matt.  I truly do.  I have a lot to make up for and it might never be enough.  If you can’t ever trust me enough to be more than friends I will have to live with that.”

“It’s not that I don’t want….”

“I know.”  She nods slightly.

She falls on her back staring at the ceiling again.  He continues to watch her, to trace her skin with his eyes.  God, he wants her but then that has never been the problem.  He needs her to want him and not just for a night but for a lifetime.  As much as it hurts his heart now he knows it would hurt a million times worse if he had to go through that a second time.

He closes his eyes trying not to think about how it felt when she ended things.  He turns towards Emma hoping a dreamless sleep will come soon.  “Goodnight Kingston.”

“Goodnight Matt.”  She laid there for what seemed like hours.  As she had done so many nights before she replayed their last night together in her head.  He had come to her place expecting they would spend their last night together in bed before she headed off to LA the next day.  He had no idea that it _would be_ their last night.

For weeks she had been thinking about how she would tell him, ever since he had started talking about the two of them moving in together.  She knew she had let things go too far.  She can still see the pain on his face when she told him that she wanted to end things.  He’d begged her not to do this, professed his love for her, but she insisted she had to “set him free”. 

Set him free like she was doing him some favor.  Even at the time she knew it was a lie; she just never realized how badly it was going to hurt …..for both of them.  Oh she knew he would be upset for a little while but soon enough she expected he would see that she had little to offer him and would remember it for what it was….a nice fling.  But that wasn’t what it was….not to him …….and not to her. 

She turns watching his form in the shadows.  Here he is this close after so long thinking he would never be in her life again, and yet…… he was still so far away.  _‘How was she ever going to make this up to him?’_   She inches her hand over the sheet until she can almost touch him.  She falls asleep hoping there is a way to win him back because she was so very wrong….this was never just a fling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	19. The Play

Alex and Arthur will need to get to the theatre by 3pm for a run through rehearsal, then makeup, hair, and costume.  They’re both nervous but an excited fun kinda of nervous.  Opening night always creates a surge of adrenaline that can only be understood by those who have experienced it.  Arthur and Alex were bubbling with it, and Matt seemed to be living vicariously through them.  Karen was getting annoyed at all the exuberance.  “What is wrong with you people anyways?  You’re just going to work.”

“Spoken like one who has never graced a stage.”  Arthur admonishes.

Alex tries to explain.  “It’s different Karen than working on a television show or a movie.  It’s live in front of an audience.  You live and die by your performance and there are no retakes.  It makes it all that more thrilling.  And opening night is the first time you’re doing that character and that play and you have no idea how it is going to be perceived.  It causes all your nerve endings to go aflutter.”  She is absolutely radiant when she is finished.  The joy of being on stage definitely agrees with her.

After lunch she is gathering her things in her room before its time for Emma’s nap.  She’s fluttering about when Matt comes in looking for her.  “Hey there!”  She jumps at the sound of his voice.  “Geez Alex, are you always this nervous on opening night?  I would think you’d be more used to it by now.”

She looks over to him holding her ridiculously large satchel in her hands.  “Well I suppose I should be more accustomed to opening nights but there all exciting, this one especially.”  She continues to gather things stuffing them into the bag.

He lays on the bed watching her flit around the room.  “Why especially this one?”

She stops what she’s doing to look over at him biting her bottom lip.  “Well….because you’re going to be there.”

“Why would that matter?”

“Because you’ve never seen me on stage before.  I know you’ve seen my movies, and my work as River but this is the first time you’re going to see me in a live production.  It’s making me a bit nervous.”

He stifles a small laugh and she glares at him.  “Come here.”  He pats the bed next to him.  She puts down the bag, crawling up the bed next to where he lays.  Looking over at her he sees that she is genuinely nervous and he thinks it’s adorable.  “Ok we promised each other truths so I should probably tell you this.”  He takes a deep breath.  “This isn’t the first time I will have seen you on stage.”

Her eyes go wide.  “It’s not?”

He shakes his head.  “Not even close.”  He reaches for her hand and she is grateful for the feel of him.  “Alex when you did the Scottish play in Manchester I was there.  When you did it later in New York, I was there too.  The first time I saw you on stage was for your Schiller play, Luise Miller.  Actually I saw that one twice.”

She stares at him.  “Are you serious?”  She’s sure he’s putting her on.

He looks at her a bit sheepishly peeking from under his fringe.  “Um, yeah.”

“But why?  I mean I didn’t do the Scottish play until after……  You had to have hated me.”

He tugs her hand to his chest.  “I could never hate you Alex, not even when I tried to.”

“But your own schedule had to have been insane and you came to my plays?”

“Yes, I did.”  He’s looking down at her hand now memorizing how it fits perfectly within his.

She grabs onto him pulling him to her, her arms slide around his neck slotting her body next to his.  She’s crying and holding on as tight as she can.  “Oh you impossible man.  I don’t deserve you.  You are the sweetest thing.”  She starts to kiss his neck following to his jaw before finding his lips.  She is feeling so much in this moment and she pours it all into kissing him.  Her body takes over without her realizing it writhing against his in all the right places.

She feels his hands on her chest, no her shoulders, he’s pushing….me back?  They part breathless.  “Alex.  We can’t.  I can’t.”

Her face turns red as she realizes what she was doing.  She knows he’s not ready for this yet.  “Yes of course darling.  I know.  I’m sorry.  I got a little carried away.”

He tucks a stray curl behind her ear as he gazes into her eyes.  “But it was nice to remember what we’re working towards.”  He smiled at her.

She smiled back, giggling.  “So really you saw my plays, twice?”

“I couldn’t stay away.”  His honesty surprises her and makes her feel even more guilty for not going to see his movies or his musical.  She tells herself that she needs to rectify that mistake in the coming weeks.

He hears the sounds of cranky Emma coming from the other room, followed by cranky Karen looking for her daddy.  “I can’t wait until tonight.  You’re going to be brilliant.”  He bops her nose before leaping off the bed to attend to Emma.

It takes her several minutes before she gets up just replaying their conversation over and over.  She just can’t get over that he came to her plays, even after………….even after.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma is still napping when Alex and Arthur leave for the theatre.  He’s sitting next to Karen on the sofa idly switching channels with the remote.  “The problem with the States is there are never any footie matches on when you want them.”

“Well quite frankly I am grateful.  I really don’t need to hear you shouting at the telly for the next two hours.”  She moves so that she is facing him laying her legs over his.  He doesn’t even seem to notice.  Honestly they are like siblings; like they have been doing this their whole lives.  “So?  How you doing with everything?”  She prods him with her foot.

He shuts the telly off since he can’t find anything suitable to distract him.  “Ok.  Most of the time.”

“And the other times?”  She eyes him with a look that he knows means she’s not giving up.

His hands idly start tracing circles on her bare legs.  “It’s just there’s only six weeks until Emma turns one.  Six weeks that her mum can still claim her.”  He looks over to her looking rather terrified.  “I can’t help but feeling she’s going to.  And I don’t know if I can handle that.”

She sits up laying her hand on his arm.  “Matt you can handle anything, if you have to.  Look what you’ve gone through already and your still standing.  But for what it’s worth I don’t think she will.  I think if she was going to it would have happened already.”

“That’s what Alex said.”  He says as he stares off at the blank telly.

“See?  We can’t both be wrong.”

“But if that was the case why didn’t she just sign the papers already?”

Karen rests her head against his shoulder.  “It’s hard to know what could be going through her head.”  He snorts at how much disdain Karen has for her on his behalf.  “She might be trying to appease her parents by waiting the year, or she might have realized how much it would torture you.”  She lifts her head to look at him.  “I can see her doing that.”  He nods.  It hurts him to think of Emma’s mother being such a horrible person.  That somehow that reflects on Emma but he knows better.  Emma could never be like her mother.

“I’m going to miss you.”  He says suddenly to the top of her head.

She keeps her head down not wanting him to see the tears welling in her eyes that his simple words bring.  “Yeah, back at you.”  She quips from her position on his shoulder.

After several minutes of silence, Karen has reclaimed her composure.  “You know…”, she looks up, “I’m just a phone call away….anytime.”

He shuffles his arm from under her head to bring it around her shoulders pulling her into his chest.  “Thanks.  Just knowing that makes it all so much easier to bear.”

She smiles into his chest.  For all her bravado she’s his best friend and would do anything for him…..well _except change nappies_ but anything else.  “So what about Alex?”  She diverts the subject.

“Alex?  Well….I think I can say were friends again.  Beyond that we’ll have to see.  There’s so much to work through.  I feel like we’ve made a beginning but whether we can be more I don’t know yet.”

“But you want more?”  She still hasn’t looked up at him, hoping that he will be more willing to talk if he’s not facing her.

He’s quiet for a while before he answers her.  “I know I shouldn’t.  I know that I’m an idiot for thinking things will be different this time but yeah I do.”  He leans his cheek onto the top of her head speaking to her hair.  “She’s the one Kaz.  She always has been.  Whenever I have thought about my future I can always picture her beside me in it.  Even these past four years.  It’s part of why it was so hard to try to move forward with my life after she dumped me.  I just couldn’t picture myself with anyone else.”

She sits up away from him looking at the pained expression on his face.  Carefully she asks, “But you did move on….with whatshername?”

“Yeah and look how well that turned out.”  He retorted dryly.

“Yes, you have a beautiful child!”  He nodded reminding himself to appreciate the positives.  “But no I wasn’t bringing it up to hurt you but I was wondering how it felt with her.  Christ, you were going to marry her.  You didn’t feel like she was the one?”

He rubs the back of his neck thinking about her question.  “Looking back on it I suppose I thought she was the one I thought I could have.  As far as I knew then Alex was never going to be mine.”

Her eyes widen.  “Wow, I never realized how deep your feelings for Alex were.  Does she know this?”

“I don’t know.  I mean I told her when we were together, and after she dumped me but it didn’t seem to matter in the end so I don’t know.  Maybe she never believed me.”

“After?”  She asks curiously.

“Yeah, my last ditch effort to woo her back.  When she refused to answer my calls or return my texts I wrote her letters.  Of course I have no idea whether she actually read them.  Most likely she just threw them away.”

She’s looking at him but not saying anything.  He can’t help but wonder what he could have said to make the Scottish girl speechless.  “Hey Kaz, you still here?”

“Yeah, I’m still here.  I was just thinking what it would feel like to have someone love me like that.” 

He pulls her in for a hug.  “You will, he’s out there.”

“Hope so.  I can tell you one thing if someone loved me that much and wrote me love letters I sure as hell wouldn’t throw them out.”  She nestles into his chest further.  “and for the record I doubt Alex did either.”

“You really think so?”  He has so much hope in his voice she worries that encouraging him is the wrong thing but then she remembers her conversation with Alex back in LA.

She moves in his arm so she can look up at him.  “Alex isn’t acting like someone who just wants to be your friend Matt.  I think she realizes what she lost.”  A smile starts on his face.  “But before you go jumping into the deep end you need to be sure you can put the past behind you.  No matter how much you want it or she wants it if the two of you can’t trust in each other again it will never work and I wouldn’t want to see that for either of you.”

“Any suggestions Obi Wan?”  She shoves him in the chest and he smirks in return.

“Take it slow.  It’s not just you this time.  You have Emma now and just like Alex and Salome are a package deal so are you and Emma.  But that also means Emma is going to get attached to her too so if this doesn’t work there will be two broken hearts.”  He nods humbly always wanting to protect his daughter.  “And be honest….even when you know it’s going to hurt sometimes.”  He scrunches up his face at her in disbelief.  “Matt you can’t be all besotted like last time, not if you want this to be real.  Sometimes real hurts, sometimes you have to talk about things the other doesn’t want to, sometimes you have to yell.”

He chokes at that last one.  “You are so Scottish!”

“Yeah, well sometimes a good yell can be the best form of communication.  It always seemed to work for my mum and dad.”

He tightens his hug around her.  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They hear Emma’s cry from the other room.  As he gets up she adds, “See even Emma agrees!”  He laughs at her as he goes to get Emma up from her nap.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They arrive at the theatre with only about twenty minutes to curtain.  Matt would like his and Karen’s entrance to be low key and not distract in any way from their friends opening night.  Also since he has brought Emma he thought it best to shorten the amount of time they were waiting.

It’s not a big Broadway premiere but there is a bit of press.  They ask and of course Matt and Karen accommodate them by posing, Emma smiling between them.  He wonders how they will spin that in tomorrow’s papers. 

They get settled in their seats.  He has an arsenal of bottles and other distractors in his satchel to keep Emma occupied.  When Karen refused to carry the pink nappie bag (that she picked out mind you) he decided for tonight to put what he needed in his leather satchel.  He hardly wanted to be photographed carrying a pink bag with ponies on it.

Emma was transfixed by the bustle of the crowd, then later the lights and sounds of the production.  He couldn’t be sure if she could tell when Alex or Arthur were on stage but she did seem to brighten and even clapped once when they were.  Karen took her picture.  By intermission she had had a bottle and was sound asleep.  Matt stayed in his seat with her sleeping on his lap while Karen mingled in the lobby.

He had gotten some odd looks from other patrons at bringing such a small child to a play.  He didn’t care but watching her sleep he knew that the day was coming when she wouldn’t be so portable.  Sooner than he would like he was going to have to leave her with a sitter and that made his heart very sad.

Sitting waiting for Karen he reflected on the play so far.  Alex was fabulous.  She brought such a range to this character making you laugh with her, and making you cry.  He was so proud of her.  He already knew she was a fantastic actress; he’s just surprised that she keeps proving it again and again.  In all the parts she plays she brings you into the character believing that their pain is your pain, their love is your love, that whatever their feeling you are right there next to them feeling it too.  It’s an amazing gift she has.

As he is thinking about Alex, Karen maneuvers back into her seat.  “Emma didn’t wake up?”

“No, I think she might be out for the night……well until the middle of the night when she wants her ‘Daddy time’.

She laughed at him.  “You are so cute, acting like you don’t love it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the play they make their way backstage.  Emma is awake now but not entirely happy about it.  They make a beeline towards Alex and Arthur.  Coming up behind her he lays his hand at the small of her back; when she turns she beams to see it is him.  “You were magnificent Alex.”  He pulls her into an embrace kissing her cheek.

“Thank you darling.  I’m so excited that you could be here.” Turning she rests her arms against his chest.

“Did Emma like the play?”  She asks Emma as she is hiding into his shoulder, the noise and lights interrupting her lovely sleep.  He knows it won’t be long before she starts putting up a fuss but he wants to make sure his friends know how brilliant he thought they were.

“She did actually.  She was clapping along in the first half.  I’m sorry to say she may have missed most of the second half.  But I thought you were brilliant!”  He runs his finger down her nose as his smile goes straight to her heart.  She can’t think of anything to say so she continues staring into his eyes.

It’s Arthur who awakens them from their dream state.  “So Matt, what did you think of the play?”  Immediately Alex realizes how close they are _and_ in a public place.  She steps back. 

At the same time Matt comes to the same realization and turns his attention to his mate standing beside him.  “Well Alex here was absolutely brilliant but that scruffy bloke ….well….he did alright.”  He teases him.  Arthur levels him with a glare that says ‘I’d like to see you do better.’  “No mate, you were bloody brilliant!  I wish I had the ability to sing and act so effortlessly.”

“Um, have you forgotten ‘American Psycho’?”  He retorts.

“The keyword there was ‘effortlessly’.  God every night I thought for sure I was going to bollocks it all up trying to remember all the lines, and then to sing and act.  Shoot me if I ever agree to do a musical again!  But you man, you seem to be born to this type of acting.  It was totally awesome!”  Arthur looks a little choked up at his friend’s honest praise.

Of course that is the moment that Kaz decides to break the moment with her arrival.  She had been waylaid by an old friend from her modeling days who was part of the cast.  “So hey guys, what’s up?”  She screeches.  This unfortunately alerts Emma that she is not where she wants to be….home in bed and immediately starts crying.

He tries comforting her with small circles on her back and soft words in her ear but she’s done being patient.  She’s ready to go home.

“Good job there Moonhead!  Now you’ve wakened the wee one.”  Arthur admonishes her.

She does look rather sorry making a pouty face to Emma.  “I’m sorry Emma.  I don’t realize how loud I am sometimes.”  Emma peers at her from her daddy’s shoulder through tiny fists that she has balled into her eyes.

Matt announces.  “Well we best be off before she gets even louder than the Scottish one over there.”  His head tilts in the direction of Karen.  Karen turns to say her goodbyes when he surprises her by saying, “Kaz stay.  You guys enjoy the opening night party.  Emma and I will head back to the flat.”

“You sure?”

“Of course.  See you all in the morning.”  He nods to Darvill, and kisses Karen and Alex’s cheeks before he heads out with Emma.

Arthurs turns to the ladies, “So can I get you two a drink?”  They smile at him as they make their way to the refreshments table before mingling with the patrons of the theatre.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s quite late when the three of them arrive back at the flat.  Matt and Emma are sound asleep.  Alex says her good nights slipping into the bedroom.  Matt is facing Emma and his features are highlighted by the night light.  It still amazes her that he is back in her life.  Standing there holding her night clothes she can’t stop herself from staring at him.  She’s always loved his face and when he sleeps he looks so peaceful.  She knows he has plenty to deal with in the coming months but she is glad that at least in sleep he seems to be able to let that go.

When she slides into the bed next to him she lies there staring at his back for the longest time.  Hoping he’s asleep enough that he won’t know she moves so that her chest is pressed into his back and she wraps her arm around his waist.  She hears him mumble “Mmpf” then he responds by pushing back further into her.  As she releases a slight gasp his hand slides over hers wrapping his fingers between hers and pulling their hands into his chest.  Surprised she almost says something when she becomes aware that he is still sound asleep.  A smile on her face she leaves a faint kiss against his back before closing her eyes and letting sleep claim her as well.

The next morning was a comedy of racing around trying to gather up their things, particularly Emma’s, which had spread to every corner of the tiny flat.  The late night party goers seemed to not be moving too quickly as they nursed their hangovers.  Since they had planned their trip so that Matt and Karen would depart JFK at about the same time she had to get moving whether she wanted to or not.  Reluctantly she vacated her place on the sofa to pack her bag.

Finally the bags were all packed and drug down the many flights of stairs stacked in the entrance as they had been only days before.  Arthur flagged down a taxi and supervised the transfer of luggage while Matt and Karen said their goodbyes to Alex.

Arms wrapped around Alex the redhead let her know how much she was going to miss her.  “I’ll miss you too dear.  Now be sure to visit the market while you’re in Vancouver.  It’s the best part!”

“I will.”  She says as they separate.  Looking over to Matt, “Ok well let me go help stupid face with the bags.”  Karen leaves them to their own private goodbye.

Taking a few steps closer Alex says, “I’m going to miss you something terrible darling.”

He pulls on a curl watching it spring back, “Yes, I know the feeling.”

She can see the worry across his face knowing what is facing him in the UK.  She rests one hand on his chest, the other against his arm.  “Darling, I’m only a phone call away….night or day.”  He’s nodding feeling the emotion starting to get to him.  “Promise me you’ll call whenever you need me?”

His voice a little thick, “That might be an awful lot.”  He chokes out.

“And I’ll be there every time.  Promise.”  Her eyes are piercing his, hoping he knows she means it this time.  He nods slightly before pulling her into an embrace.  He takes in the scent of her hair, her magic hair that he is sure has special properties that calm him and surround him with a sense that everything will work out. 

The honk from the taxi reminds them that he has to go.  As they pull apart she gives him a soft kiss to take with him.  She takes Emma from his arms as they walk outside.  Matt says his goodbyes to Arthur while Alex covers Emma’s face with kisses.  As she hands her back to him she tells her, “You be good for daddy.”  Matt and Emma join Karen in the taxi and within moments they are heading down the street.

When he arrives in the UK he immediately texts Alex letting her know they arrived safely.  As he suspected he would, he calls her nearly every day sometimes with a panic attack in progress but sometimes just to let her know that he misses her.  As she promised she answers it every time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	20. Going Back in Time

After Matt and Karen leave Arthur and Alex get into the routine of doing eight shows a week.  The pace is grueling but exhilarating at the same time.  Having someone to share it with both on stage and at home seems to make it all that much easier. 

Often in the afternoon they’ll watch a DVD after they’ve taken care of their daily chores.  Alex mentions that she would like to go see Matt’s movie, ‘Terminator 2’.  “Oh now there was an awesome movie!”

“So you’ve already seen it?”  She asks.

“Yeah, I went on opening night.  I was here in New York by myself.  I didn’t have much else to do.  You haven’t seen it yet?”

“No, it premiered the night before I left.  Matt wanted me to go but I didn’t think that was such a good idea at this point.”  Arthur nodded in understanding.  “But do I need to see the first one to understand this one?”

He levels her with a look.  “You haven’t seen the first one?”

“Um, no.  I don’t usually watch those kinds of movies and I……..”  She hesitated.

“…and you were trying to avoid anything to do with Matt?”  He provided.

“Yeah…”  Twisting the bottom of her shirt she wasn’t sure what else to say.

He pats her on her leg.  “Well then we best get you caught up.”  He jumps off the sofa.

Her eyes follow him curiously as he grabs his phone and keys.  “Where are you going?” 

“I’m going out to get us ‘Terminator 1’.  Then tomorrow we’re going to go to the movies and see ‘Terminator 2’.  Might look around to see if they have ‘Lost River’ too.”  A pained look came over her when he said the last one.  “Yeah, you know he has that same look when he hears that title.  He said he wishes he had never made that suggestion to Gosling.  Honestly he was joking.  Who knew he would have gone for it?”

“Yes, well I suppose it does hit a little close to home.”

“Do ya think?  He about dies every time he would see it in print:  Matt Smith ‘Lost River’.  He said it felt like they took out a billboard about his love life.”

She drops her eyes to her lap.  “Oh God, I hadn’t thought about it like that.”

Over the next two days they watch the first Terminator movie and then went out to see the second.  She was amazed at Matt’s acting.  He had become a completely different person, not the Doctor certainly, not Matt, nor any of the other characters he had done previously.  She was in awe of his acting abilities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	21. Surprise!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, I was going to tease you all with that little itty bitty chapter last night and then post this one this morning but I fell asleep! So you get gifted with both at once. Aren't you lucky?

Salome and Alex quickly prepare themselves in the hallway when they hear his keys in the door.  They are both incredibly nervous hoping Matt, and Emma, like their surprise.  They had been planning this since before she left for New York. 

When Matt and Alex had been together the first time, Matt was always making grand gestures.  There was the time he took her on a long drive in the English countryside to see the autumn leaves, and to stop by the sea to feel the spray on her face…just because she had mentioned she had missed those things living in California.  Once he planned an entire outing for her and Salome that ‘just happened’ to coincide with a performance of ‘One Direction’ at the festival he took them to.  The fact that it was Salome’s favorite band at that moment was just a coincidence he said.

She knows she has so much to make up for with Matt.  Wanting him to feel special as he always made her she came up with a grand gesture of her own.  Since it was really for Emma; she hoped he would have no objections.  As she waits next to her daughter she frets that she may have overstepped their tenuous boundaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back in LA before she left, Salome and her were discussing ideas for Emma’s first birthday.  Salome was excited that she would be at Oxford by then and would be able to participate.  She too remembered the many times Matt had made her feel special when she was young even before her mum and Matt started dating.  While thinking of possible birthday presents Alex remembered what he had said about Emma’s room back in London.  “Just the basics” he had said. 

“Oh mum that’s it!  We have to do something to make her room special.  Remember when Matt helped me paint my room purple?”

“Oh you mean the time he got more paint on himself than the walls?”

They both giggled.  “Yeah, but I would always think of how much fun we had painting that day whenever I looked at my walls.”  A smile came to her face as she thought of that day.  “It made it so much more than just a happy color.  That’s what we should do paint her room together.”

“I wish we could but I’m barely going to make it there for her birthday as it is.  I have performances until three days before her birthday.”  She quietly thinks about the possibilities.  “It really should be done on time for her birthday.  I don’t see how we could.”

They continued on with other ideas but they both kept circling back to Emma’s room.  “Mum, I really want to do something for Emma’s room.  What if we could get others to help us?  You know loads of people in the UK.” 

Salome had brilliant ideas.  The two of them planned everything out.  Matt had said he wanted it to be TARDIS blue so it seems that he would love a WHO theme.  Salome reasoned that since she was the Doctor’s daughter that it was important that she become properly indoctrinated into the world of WHO.  Alex agreed with her.  They both started making suggestions for the room.  At the same time they both state that the ceiling must have stars.  “But not just those lame stars most people have but a real universe of stars like ‘Stormageddon’s’.” She commanded.

“Maybe I can get one of the artists from Who to paint it.”  Alex thinks out loud.  “I’ll make some calls tomorrow.”  When she called the Art Director from Who they were completely on board as soon as they heard it was for Matt’s little girl.  He was always so generous with everyone there and had made lots of friends during his time.  So many actors didn’t give the crew the time of day but Matt was one of those rare persons who knew everyone’s name, even spending his spare time asking them questions about their work.  Alex couldn’t help to get excited that she might actually be able to pull this off.

The next day Salome came to her to show her pictures of different TARDIS’ that folks had built into their homes.  “What if we had her closet look like the outside of the TARDIS?  Wouldn’t that be cool?”

Looking at the photos on her laptop Alex agreed that sounded like a splendid idea.  She immediately called Arwel to see if that was something the Art department would be willing to do or if he could recommend some area carpenters.  He assured her it wouldn’t be a problem as they had lots of “spare parts” lying around.  Two days later he called _her_ asking if she would be interested in any murals for the walls.  He explained that Cornwall and Spencer, the background painters at Who, found out about their project.  Apparently Matt used to play footie with them in the back lot during breaks and they wanted to contribute.  He asked her to send them some suggestions.  Alex was overwhelmed by all of the support from the Who crew. 

After talking with Salome they made a list of ideas.  Alex was getting overwhelmed preparing for New York so Salome assured her she could take care of the details with the art department.  After getting her assurance that there wouldn’t be anything scary she turned that part of the project over to Salome.

Most of the plans for the room seemed to have been decided upon.  It was a little tricky when she was in New York as she needed to coordinate with Salome in LA as well as the crew in Wales.  Arwel recommended a week to complete the work.  The murals will take most of the time he said.  He just needed to know when they could schedule it.

That seemed to be the hardest part.  She no longer had access to his flat in London.  Karen was in Vancouver filming so she couldn’t help.  It seemed she only had one choice:  Matt’s mum.  This was _not_ a phone call she was looking forward to.  Her and Lynne always got on fine in the past, even when she knew about them dating.  However she imagines that she is persona non gratia after breaking her son’s heart.  She can only hope that her love for her grandchild wins out over her anger at her.

Pacing the living room floor she is glad that Arthur already left for the theatre.  Working up her courage she dials Lynne’s number in Northampton.  Waiting as the phone rings she begins to bite on her nails.  “Hello!”  Hearing Lynne’s voice she immediately stops in the middle of the floor.

Summoning her acting skills she tries to sound confident and upbeat, “Hello Lynne, it’s Alex Kingston.”  Silence.

She’s fairly sure she hasn’t hung up yet but honestly she wouldn’t be surprised if she did.  “Um, hello?” 

“Yes, I’m here.  Sorry you caught me off guard.  I wasn’t expecting your call.”  Lynne seemed as unsure of this conversation as Alex.

“I imagine you weren’t.”  She wonders if she should say anything about the past but decides better of it.  “I’m sure you’re wondering why I am calling.”

“Yes.  I am.”  The short clipped words let Alex know she is not happy to be having this conversation.

Not knowing how else to proceed she plows on with the real reason she called.  “Well as you know Emma’s birthday is coming up soon.  My daughter and I wanted to do something special for her.”

“Really?”  How can one word drip with so much sarcasm?

Plowing on….“Yes, we have been overjoyed to get to know her and get reacquainted with Matt again back in LA.  We had this idea to paint her room in London.  Matt mentioned that he hadn’t had a chance to decorate her room there like he had in LA.”

“Ok…?”

Taking a deep breath she forges on.  “We have everything arranged except we would need access to his flat.  We were hoping you could help us with that.”  She sits on the edge of the cushioned chair waiting wondering how this is going to be received.

“I’m sure that won’t be necessary.  My husband and I can paint it just as well.”

She knew this wasn’t going to be easy.  Releasing a deep sigh she continues, “Well it’s actually a little more than just paint.  Matt had mentioned that he wanted TARDIS blue so we thought he might like a Who theme.  Several of his friends from the show’s art department have volunteered to paint the walls with murals from his Doctor’s era.  They also have plans to turn her closet into a TARDIS.”

Silence.  When Lynne does speak it is hard for her to keep the emotions out of her voice.  “Oh, well that sounds like ….um….  It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this.”

Taking another deep breath, “I have…we have.  It was very special to Salome when Matt helped decorate her room.  She wanted to do the same for Emma.”

“I see.  So this is your daughter’s idea?”  Alex couldn’t help to notice how tightly controlled Lynne’s speech seemed to be. 

“No actually it’s both of us.  We both wanted to do something special for Matt and Emma.”

“Ok….well….”  She couldn’t tell for sure if Lynne was going to agree to this or not.  “When would they be coming?”

Alex jumped out of the chair smiling up to the sky thanking each and all deities for this small miracle.  “Well Arwel said he thought they would need a week to complete everything.  We thought we’d see when that would work best for you.”

“A week?  I don’t know how I would be able to do that.  London is three hours from here.”

“Well, if it would be acceptable to you Salome will be in London the first week in September.  She can stay and supervise the work before she heads off to university.”

“She’s going to school here?”

“Yes, she’ll be attending Oxford this fall.”

“I didn’t realize she was that old already.”  Lynne had had many opportunities to spend time with Salome while Matt and her were dating.  Even though she never told Salome, Matt could never keep anything from his family.  They had all known probably from the beginning.  “Um, you are aware that Matt and Emma will be back in the UK by then.”

“Yes, but he said he spends most of his time there in Northampton.  I also assumed he would want to avoid London until Emma’s birthday.  Did I assume incorrect?”

“No, you didn’t.”  She could tell that his mum was surprised that she had been included in the secret.  “So you know?” 

“Yes.  He told me.”

Neither of them said anything for what seemed like eons.  “I see.”  She could tell that his mum wanted to ask more but was exercising great restraint.  “Ok, well let’s plan for the first week in September.  Let me know when your daughter can meet me at his flat so I can give her the key.”

Alex fell back against the chair relieved that this part was going to work.  “Thank you Lynne.  Thank you.”

“For Matt and Emma I would do anything.”  Alex understood what this meant.  She wasn’t doing it for her but for her son and her granddaughter.

“I understand.  Bye Lynne.”

“Bye.”

Alex sat there clutching the phone to her chest.  That had to have been the most difficult conversation she has had since Matt confronted her about her feelings for him.  She felt emotionally drained but as she looked at the time she knew she needed to get to the theatre.  As she walked back to her room to get ready she sent a text to Salome letting her know to plan for the first week in September.

In addition to determining the murals with the art department, Salome dove into a search for Who items for Emma’s birthday presents.  Every day she would send links to her mum’s phone with ideas.  Alex had to calm her down or it was quite possible there would be no room for Emma in the room when they were done.

After Salome got to England with her dad she made arrangements to meet up with Matt’s mum at his flat.  Apparently Lynne didn’t have as much a problem with Salome as she had with Alex, even insisting she could stay at the flat until she moved to Oxford.  This also came in handy when Matt was on his way back to London as Lynne called asking her to pick up some basics for the fridge and pantry.

So here they are waiting for Matt and Emma.  She is hoping beyond hope that it is received as the gesture of love that she wants it to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	22. Grand Gesture

“Here we are Emma home sweet home!”  They can hear him talking to her from the entranceway along with the dropping of bags.  “Let me get you into your swing then I can get the rest of the stuff from the car.”

“Maybe we could help you with that darling?”  He nearly drops Emma when he hears Alex’s voice from the hallway entrance.  Looking in that direction he sees Alex and Salome grinning from ear to ear at his surprise.  He smiles but his face also looks a bit confused.

“What?  How?”  His mind can’t seem to decide which question he wants to ask.  He decides on, “What are you doing here?”

Summoning her inner River Song she purrs, “Spoilers!”  Salome nearly chokes standing next to her.

Walking towards him Salome tells him, “We wanted to surprise you Matty.  Now that I’m practically your neighbor.”  Finally taking his eyes off of Alex he gives Salome a curious look.  “Oxford.  Remember?”

Understanding seems to be slowly coming to him.  “Oh yes, Oxford.  Right!  You already here?”

She shakes her head laughing at him before wrapping her arms around him and Emma.   “Silly man, of course I’m already here!  You can be so daft sometimes.”

He pulls back looking her in the eye.  “Oi!  Cheeky!”

She laughs at him again, “Hey why don’t I keep Emma entertained while you get the rest of the stuff from the car.”

Squeezing her in a hug again he kisses her temple before handing Emma off to her.  “Emma could you keep Salome entertained but be careful she can be very cheeky!”  Salome turned to him sticking out her tongue at him.  “See what I mean?”  He says to Emma.

He heads out to the car nearly forgetting that Alex was still standing there.  She follows him out to see if he needs any help.  He’s gathering things in the boot when she says, “Need any help?”  Startled, he bonks his head on the boot lid before looking over to her.  He hasn’t seen her since New York.  They have talked and texted but seeing her always does something to him he’s never been able to understand.  She takes his breath away, always has.

“Oh darling, are you alright?”  She immediately pulls his head down so she can inspect it.  This brings his face to within inches of her cleavage.  Taking a deep breath he closes his eyes.  “There’s no blood.  I think you’ll be ok.”  She pronounces as she allows him to stand back up properly.  Her hands haven’t left him though just slid to the base of his neck, their chests pushed into one another.  “Hello.”

He’s wrapped his arms around her waist, “Hello Alex.  This was a lovely surprise to come home to.” He’s smiling at her drinking in having her in his arms, he brings his right hand to caress her face watching as she leans into it.  Leaning down he presses his lips softly against hers as if testing is this alright.  She presses back, her tongue grazing his lip letting him know it most certainly is.  As they hear a car pass by it suddenly occurs to them that they are in front of his flat where anyone could see them, or worse photograph them.  Springing apart they give each other a meaningful look before gathering the bags from the boot.

When they drop all the bags in the entranceway Salome looks over to them.  “Well, it’s about time!  Matty where’s Emma’s nappy bag.  I think she needs a change.”

He plucks the bag from the floor and heads in her direction.  “Here give to me I’ll go change her.”

“No, no I got it.  Just hand over the bag.  There’s tea ready on the kitchen counter for you two.”  He keeps staring at her.  “I got this.”

“Right!”  He chokes out before heading to the kitchen. 

Alex follows behind him.  “What’s the matter?”  She says softly.  “You still having a hard time letting someone else change her?”

He’s pouring tea from the teapot into their cups.  Shaking his head he says, “No, I’m still having a hard time believing she’s old enough for uni.” 

Initially she’s surprised that this is about her daughter and not his but she nods her head in understanding.  “You and me both!” 

They carry their tea back to the lounge watching Salome play with Emma on the floor like the proud parents they both are.  Nearly a half hour after they had arrived (and really Alex thinks she and Salome are being amazingly patient) he announces that he needs to put Emma down for a nap.  Salome hands her up to him waiting a full five seconds before following him down the hallway.

They are right behind him when he turns into the bedroom stopping short at the doorway.  They watch as his eyes seem to go in every direction at once trying to decide if he is in the correct place or not.  Slowly a smile creeps on his face before he looks over to where they’re standing.  “Did you two have something to do with this?”

Salome has her arms crossed behind her and turning side to side, “Maybe!”  In that moment he sees the little girl he remembers and it makes his smile grow wider.

Looking down at his daughter, “Emma let’s go look at your new room.”  He walks her in turning on the light at his right.  Standing not two feet in he tries to take it all in.  The first thing he stares at is the enormous mural to his left which he recognizes as a scene from ‘Dinosaurs on a Spaceship’ with a slight variation.  On the show it was he, Arthur, and Brian on the dinosaur but they put Karen in Brian’s place for the mural.  Below the mural were large cubes, some on their sides that contain a few of Emma’s toys.  On the floor in front of that a large rug picturing the exploding TARDIS from Van Gogh’s visions.

The dresser/changer was the same as well as her bed but now it was layered in a TARDIS blue coverlet with blue ruffles skirting around the bottom.  Above her crib were two distinct words written in Gallifreyan.  He thought one looked like the Doctor’s name but he couldn’t be sure.  Turning to the wall at the foot of the crib he let out a gasp.  Painted there was the inside of his first TARDIS, the one that always felt like home and fun.  He started to walk towards it to see the detail when he realized to his right was a TARDIS, a very blue actual looking TARDIS. 

Overwhelmed didn’t begin to describe how he was feeling.  He looked over to where Alex and Salome were still waiting in the doorway.  Salome was beaming; Alex was looking rather nervous pulling her bottom lip into her teeth.  “How?  When?  Oh my god, I can’t believe…..”  Without finishing his sentence he twirls around the room again taking it all in.

Quietly from the doorway Alex asks, “Do you like it?”

His eyes dart from the interior TARDIS that he is looking at to hers.  “Do I like it?  Who wouldn’t like it?  Actually no, I don’t like it.”  Her eyes drop to the floor.  “I love it!!”  She snaps back up taking in a beaming Matt Smith holding a beaming Emma Smith in his arms.

“Oh thank goodness!”  Salome shrieks before jumping over to him pulling him into a tight embrace.  His long arms pull her in tight lifting her off the ground twirling her and Emma around the room.

Letting her back down he lifts his arm looking around the room again.  “This is amazing!”

“Do you really like it Matty?”  She asks eagerly.

“Of course I do poppet.  Don’t we Emma?”  He looks to his daughter for confirmation.  Emma claps her hands in delight.  “I don’t think you could get a bigger endorsement than that from Ms. Emma.”

Bouncing on her toes, “I am so glad Matty.  Come here let me show you the TARDIS.  It’s still Emma’s closet.”  Turning to Emma, “Sorry Emma it is sadly _not_ bigger on the inside.  This will bother you more when you are older. But it’s still cool and look at this feature.”  She opens the police phone box to reveal a secret compartment.  “This is where you can stash all your secrets and treasures….or jewelry.”

“Wow Emma, isn’t this awesome?”  As awesome as Emma thought this was she was fading fast.  He could see her trying to keep her eyes open.  “Looks like someone would like to try out the sleeping quarters.  What do you say?”  He takes her over to the crib, Salome pulls down the coverlet so he can lay her down.  Pulling the cover over her belly he watches her fade off to sleep. 

After watching her for a few moments he looks up and around again still trying to take it all in.  Noticing the Gallifreyan writing over the crib he asks Salome about it.  “Well the top one is the Doctor’s name written in Gallifreyan.”

“I thought I recognized it.”

She shoves him playfully.  “Yeah, right!”

“What about the one below it?”  He points to the shorter one.

“I would have thought you would have figured that out.  That’s Emma’s name in Gallifreyan.”  He took in a sharp intake of breath still finding it hard to believe the transformation of this room.

He looked over to Alex who was still hovering in the doorway.  “Alex this is amazing!  How did you do all of this?”

She was incredibly happy that he liked it.  He not only liked it; he seemed overwhelmed by it.  Walking to him she smiles.  Immediately he pulls her into a tight embrace burying his face in her hair.  “Alex, this was….was perfect.  Thank you.”  As she holds him tight she can feel a quiet tear trickle down her cheek.

Pulling back to see his face, “You really like it darling?”

“I really do.”  He was about to lean in for a kiss when Salome coughed reminding them of her presence.  “Right, well tell me all about this.  When did you plan this?  How did you get it all done?  Wait, how did you get in here?”

As he studied the details of the murals and the TARDIS, Alex explained how her and Salome came up with the idea back in LA but it was really the Who art department who deserve the credit for creating this amazing room.  When he asks their names Salome starts spouting them off as she counts on her fingers.  “Seriously, I don’t know how they all fit in this room!”

He looks back and forth from Alex to Salome.  “Why is it you know all their names?”   He asks Salome.

“Well…cause I was the one here with them.”  When he continues to look puzzled she explains.  “Somebody needed to be here to let them in and keep an eye on things, and feed them!  Mum was still doing her play in New York.”

“You did that for me?”  His voice raspy.

“Of course.  You helped make my room special.  I wanted to help make Emma’s special.”

“Your room?  I barely got paint on the walls.  This….”  He twirls again.  “This is so much more than that.”

“Well, you can always help me get my dorm put together.  There’s still a half-dozen boxes at Oma’s that need hoisted up three flights of stairs.”  She remarks cheekily.

“I would be honored.  I am in your debt.”  He bows to her.  Emma starts to rustle in her crib.  Alex puts a finger to her lips then motions that they should let her sleep.

Back in the lounge Matt continues to be amazed that they went to all this trouble for him.  “And Emma.”  They remind him.  Changing the subject for the moment Salome asks if they can order pizza since she’s “starving!”  Matt immediately pulls out his mobile to order it from the place down the street.

“I picked up milk, bread, and a few other things I thought you might need for tonight and breakfast.  They’re in the fridge.  There’s also a few jars of baby food in the cupboard next to the fridge.”

“My god!  You are a godsend.”  He goes up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist.  “I think I’m going to keep her Kingston, no going off to university for you!”  When she tries to wiggle away from him; he tickles her mercilessly.  She laughs but manages to get away.

“Tell you what for my next act of kindness I will go pick up the pizza.”  She holds a hand out to her mum who goes looking for her purse.  Matt immediately pulls out his wallet insisting that he’s paying.  As she’s leaving she teases over her shoulder, “Enjoy a few minutes alone……but remember there is a baby in the house!”  He starts to salute her then falters when he realizes this is Salome not Karen!  He shakes his head still struggling with a near grown Salome.

As soon as the door closes he slides his arms around Alex’s waist from behind.  He pushes her hair aside with his chin placing a small kiss on the nape of her neck.  Melting into his arms she’s so very glad that he still wants her there.  “Thank you Alex.” 

She nuzzles into him.  “You are so very welcome.”

He turns her in his arms, “Now for that proper hello.”  He smiles as he looks her in the eyes, his hand traces the outer contours of her face before he leans in to kiss her.  Her body melts into him as she is tasting him on her lips remembering when this was the beginning of making love.  He parts smiling leaving a kiss on the tip of her nose before he takes her hand and leads her to the couch.

“I haven’t talked with you for days.  Tell me what’s been happening?”  She was thrilled that he has forgiven her and they can be friends again.  Really she is.  She can’t lie to herself though that she isn’t sad that in this moment that they are alone for the first time in weeks that he has chosen conversation over snogging.

She smiles talking about the final days of the play and packing up the flat with Arthur.  When she looks at him she can see that the legal aspect of Emma’s birthday is already weighing heavily on him.  Pushing her own feelings aside she chooses to focus on him for now.  ‘He needs me now.  I can do this when I couldn’t be there for him before.’

Before long Salome is back with the pizza.  He peppers her with questions about university until she shuts him up by accusing him of sounding like her father.  It’s not that he wouldn’t like to be her father but she already has one.  He’s always rather enjoyed his role as her friend.  They change the subject talking about how Emma will celebrate her first birthday.  Despite his excitement of this important milestone his fear hovers just below the surface.  Salome doesn’t seem to notice but Alex can see right through him.

When Emma wakes Salome jumps up offering to get her.  When she is out of earshot Alex turns to him prodding him with her hand on his arm.  “You ok?”  He pastes on a smile before looking up into her eyes but he knows she sees right through him.  Her hand reaches for his mingling their fingers together.  “I’m here if you want to talk.”

He tightens his fingers around hers and nods.  “Thanks, not right now though.”  She nods in understanding and leans up for a chaste kiss before picking up the plates and pizza box taking it to the kitchen.  He follows getting out food for Emma’s supper.

When it starts to get dark out Salome sneaks off for a few minutes.  No one seems to notice until she returns announcing that she has a surprise for everyone.  “What more surprises?  I don’t know if I can handle anymore today!” 

“Stop acting Matty!  We all know you love surprises.  You’re just all weirded out because it’s us giving you the surprises for a change!”  Oh she so nails him.  She leads them back to Emma’s room.  She has made a pallet of blankets on the floor of the room.  “Ok, so you have to lay down on the floor.”

“What?”  He looks over to Alex who just shrugs her shoulders before she lays on the blankets.  He lays down next to her with Emma on his stomach, she too is looking up.

He had been looking around at the walls again.  Still in awe that they did this and now taking in some of the details of the murals.  “Ok, everybody comfy?”

She’s still standing by the doorway so he asks, “Aren’t you going to join us?”

“In a minute!”  She admonishes him.  “So impatient.”  Alex chuckles next to him and he swats at her.  When Salome thinks that everyone is ready she shuts out the lights and dives onto the other side of Matt and Emma.

Immediately the plain ceiling had been transformed into a swirling night sky with distant planets and stars poised against a background of colorful ribbons of outer space not unlike those seen in the Medusa Cascade. 

Matt gasped at the sight both in surprise and in the absolute beauty of it.  Even Emma seemed to realize that this was something awesome as she gurgled and pumped her feet back and forth.  Leaving Emma lying against his chest he reached out to both Alex and Salome taking their hands in his.  “Wow!”  It was truly breathtaking and had actually made him speechless so he just continued to hold their hands a little tighter while looking at all the colors, variations in the star clusters, and determining which orbs were actually planets.

Salome couldn’t take it any longer.  “So do you like it Matty?” 

He squeezed her hand a little tighter before exclaiming, “It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, ….except for your mother.”  Salome squealed and Alex gasped.  He held her hand a little tighter as well letting her know that yes he did still think she was the most beautiful thing he had ever laid his eyes on.  “I didn’t think you could top what you have already done in this room but this is most spectacular!”

Salome fist pumps in the air, “Yeah!  I told Mum that it couldn’t just be ordinary stars and planets but something cool like Stormageddon’s.”  He laughed next to her remembering that episode.  Salome was always a dedicated fan often remembering small details that he had long forgotten. 

“But how does it work?  I didn’t notice anything when we were in here earlier?”

“Special glow in the dark paint.  That’s what makes it extra special you don’t see them during the day like for real but at night the stars and the planets will shine down to watch over her while she sleeps.”

Alex could hear him sniffling beside her, turning slightly she could see a sheen in his eyes, and she smiled.  Grand gesture accomplished.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After they got Emma down to sleep Alex and Salome began their goodbyes.  “We should be off darling.  I’m sure you have loads to do in the next few days getting ready for her big day.”  She saw him wince at the double meaning behind those words.

“You could stay…..here.”  He offers.  She smiles at him but shakes her head.  As much as she would like nothing else than to stay here she knows he’s not ready, and honestly she’s not sure if she is either.

Resting her hand on his chest she says, “Darling this is a special time for you and Emma, and your family.  Enjoy that.”

He lays his hand over hers, “You’ll be here won’t you?  For Emma’s birthday?”

“Of course.  Whenever and wherever you want.” 

He smirked at the familiar words.  “But not all the time?” 

She smiled at him knowing he got her meaning.  “Not just yet, darling.”  She reached up pulling him towards her kissing him soundly.  “But maybe someday.”  She whispered as they parted.

He walked them to the door already feeling their loss before they left.  At the doorway she turns speaking softly just for him, “You call me if you need anything alright.  I don’t care what time it is.  I’m here.”  She squeezes his hand in hers letting him know she really means it.

He pulls her into an embrace burying his face in her curls. The smell and feel of them seem to calm him no matter the situation.  “Thanks Kingston.  Love you.”

Her arms tighten around him, “I love you too.”  As they separate she kisses him one more time before her and Salome leave for the night.

He watches long after the taxi had pulled away before he stepped back into his flat and closed the door.  His flat seems immensely quiet all of a sudden and he can’t help feeling a pain in his chest.  As thoughts of what the next few days might bring he straightens focusing himself on what is important right now….his daughter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	23. Mum or not mum

As he begins his day with the usual routine of changing her nappie and readying her breakfast he can’t stop his thoughts from panicking at the idea that everything could change today.  Today is the day that either Emma’s mother signs the papers or demands her parental rights.  Holding her a little closer he rests his cheek against her head breathing in the smell of _his_ Emma.  Silently he prays that he won’t have to share her by the time this day is through.

The doorbell rings reminding him that his parents were coming to stay with her while he went to the lawyer’s offices.  Making his way to the door he takes a deep breath before he opens it.  There’s no turning back.  “Mum!  Dad!  You’re early!”  He hugs his mum who immediately removes Emma from his arms peppering her with kisses on her face and tummy.  He hugs his dad offering to get their bags from the car.  Since tomorrow is Emma’s birthday they are going to spend the night.

As he gets the bags from the car he can’t help but feel like his life is moving in slow motion or he’s trying to walk through quicksand.  Every action seems to take such effort.  “You doing ok there son?”  His dad’s voice brings him back to the present. 

“Yeah, sure.”  He says weakly.

His dad takes one of the bags from his hands and puts an arm around his shoulders as they walk inside.  “You will be.”  He looks at his dad hoping he can see the future.  Tightening his arm around his shoulder, “ _You will be_.” He says again with more conviction.  Matt nods praying he’s right.

Matt takes the bags up to the guest room.  When he comes back to the kitchen he sees his mum feeding Emma her morning oatmeal in her high chair.  Emma has her own spoon that she likes to wave in the air but since she also pretends to feed herself it is covered in oatmeal too.  He smiles as he watches her smear the oatmeal into her hair and down her face as if her wearing it was part of the tasting process.

His chest tightens at the thought that he might miss even a moment of her life.  Deep down he knows that Emma needs a mother but how good of a mother could she be if she chose to miss her whole first year.  His thoughts race through the many firsts he’s experienced with her this year.  He could never regret fighting to bring her into this world, and if he had to he would fight having to share her.  As he pushes back the tears he says to his mum, “I’m going to go get my shower if that’s alright?”

She gives him a long look knowing that this is tearing him up inside but not sure if her words would comfort him or break him she simply nods.  He heads back to his bedroom turning on the water in the shower.  As soon as he does its like it gives him permission to let the tears out.  His back falls against the wall as his body sobs out the pain and the fear that he must face today.  Slowly he slides down the wall letting it out, hoping that if he can leave it here on his bathroom floor that he will have the strength to face this day.

After about ten minutes he rises shutting off the shower before he looks for his mobile next to the bed.  Pushing her number he gently lays down on his bed waiting for her to answer.  “Hello.” 

At the sound of her voice he closes his eyes trying to picture her next to him.  Taking a deep breath he manages, “Alex…”

She can hear him struggling through the phone.  “Darling, what do you need?  What can I do?”

“Talk…to..me.”  His voice breaks.  “Just talk to me.  Tell me it’s going to be alright.”  He rubs his hand over his face, taking deep breaths, hoping that he can gather himself together.

“Matt you are the most dedicated and loving parent Emma could ever wish for.  No one loves her more than you do.  Matt darling everything is going to be alright.  I really don’t think she is going to decide to be Emma’s mum now when she hadn’t before.  I really do believe that.”  He let out a long breath as he listened. 

“But Matt you listen to me.  Even if she decides she does want to be a part of Emma’s life nothing is going to break the bond that you and her already have.  Emma will always know how much you love her and no one can change that.  Please tell me you know that?”

He’d rolled on his side curled into himself, “I do……it’s just hard.”

“I know it is darling but it’s going to be ok.  No matter what the outcome when this day is over you will still be Emma’s father and she will still look at you like you hung the moon.”

He laid there a small smile gracing his lips.  He could hear her breathing through the phone as he continued to lie there letting his own breath match hers.  When finally he was ready to face this meeting, no matter the outcome, he sat up swinging his legs to the floor.  “Thanks Kingston.  I needed that.”

He could hear her smile through the phone.  “Anytime darling, anytime.  I love you.”

He took another deep breath as if he was breathing her love into his body.  “I love you too.”  Catching the time on the clock he realizes he better get moving.  “Alex, I better get going.  I’m going to have to leave soon.”

“Of course darling.  Call me if you need me …..and could you call me after?”

“Yeah.  Love you.”

“Love you too.”  He sits there another few moments after the call disconnects holding the phone to his chest.  After a few deep breaths he hops up actually getting into the shower this time.

By the time he makes it back to the kitchen Emma is done with her breakfast and busy playing with Grandpap on the floor.  He’d chosen his dark blue suit since Karen had mentioned that it made him look older the last time he wore it.  His tie is still draped around his neck waiting to be tied.  Dropping to the floor he picks up the stuffed bunny off the blanket using it to give kisses to little Emma’s face.  The way her face lights up and the sound of her giggle invigorates his resolve.  He’s ready for whatever happens today because he knows that no matter what _she_ decides he will do anything to protect _his_ daughter.

He pulls her into his lap taking in a deep breath of her, then placing a soft kiss to her head.  Emma seems to sense that something is different and burrows herself into his chest, her hands reaching for his mouth.  With great resolve he pulls her away to say to her, “Now Emma you be good for Grandmum and Grandpap.  I won’t be too long.  I promise.”  He places her back on the blanket where she returns to exploring the bunny by immediately putting it in her mouth.

“Good luck, son.”  His father says as he gets up off the floor.

Going to the hallway mirror he suddenly can’t remember how to tie a tie.  His mum comes up behind him.  “Let me see that.”  She says.  He turns and she deftly ties it into a Windsor knot with very little thought.  “There you go.”  She flattens out his tie and jacket with her hands.  Looking up at him she assures him, “Everything is going to turn out alright Matt.  I feel it.”

Slowly he takes in a breath as he tries to believe her words.  “God, I hope you’re right mum.”  He utters while pulling her into his chest.  It’s not often these days she gets to hold her baby for more than a few moments.  Despite the circumstances, Lynne savors this longer moment.  Abruptly he pulls away, “I best be going.”  She nods not knowing what else she could possibly say to help him through this.

When he’s almost through the door she calls out to him.  “Matt…”  He turns in her direction.  “I love you, we love you, Emma loves you.  Carry that with you today.”  His lips waver and he blinks back the emotion that resonates just below the surface, and simple waggles his fingers at her as he makes his way to the car.

It’s a bit of a drive to get there, not in distance but with traffic and trying to park in London it’s close to an hour before he enters the lifts at the office complex.  The time has done nothing to allay his fears or calm his emotions.  As he catches sight of the scared, emotional guy in the mirrored doors of the lift he knows he must pull himself together.  Thank god he’s an actor.  Those skills might just be essential to get through this day.  When he leaves the lift his head is held high and he carries himself with a sense of authority.  He hopes no one can see through his façade.

When he introduces himself to the receptionist she escorts him to a glass enclosed conference room.  There are a number of files and packets on the table but he is alone.  Sitting there he can’t help but wonder.  Wonder what she’ll look like now?  He had avoided looking her up on the Internet, primarily because he was trying to forget her entirely.  But now knowing he will be sitting across from her at this table shortly he can’t help but wonder how she’s been.  He did care for her once, as Karen reminded him, enough to ask her to marry him.  He doesn’t really wish her ill will he just…………… he just doesn’t want her to take his daughter away from him.

It is with those thoughts whirling in his mind that the conference doors open followed by four lawyer types, three men, one woman.  He immediately recognizes his own lawyer and his assistant.  “Mr. Bail.” He shakes his hand.

“You remember my assistant, Mr. Hebert.”  He shakes his as well.  Mr. Bail turns to the other side of the table to introduce the remaining two.  “This is Mr. Harris, and his assistant Ms. Melendez.  They are representing the child’s mother in this matter.”  He indicates that they should all sit down.

The four lawyers begin to shuffle papers around until Mr. Bail clears his throat.  “Shall we begin?”  Mr. Harris nods at him so he begins to recite aloud the legal document in front of him.

Matt interrupts, “Um aren’t we going to wait until she gets here?”  He still finds it hard to say her name after nearly a year and a half.

“Um, I thought you had been informed.”  Mr. Bail began.  He looked across to Mr. Harris for permission to continue.  When he gave it, Mr. Bail cleared his throat before saying.  “She came in an hour ago and signed the papers.  She thought it would be easier if the two of you didn’t have to be here together.”

His eyes grew wide with this information.  He wasn’t going to have to face her, ok…good.  She signed the papers, also….good.  “Wait, she signed the papers?  Which papers?”  He looks back and forth across the table at the two sets of lawyers.

“The affidavit of parentage, rescinding her parental rights.”  Mr. Harris informed him.

Matt fell back into the chair feeling like he had just completed a marathon.  She signed them.  This was over.  He was confused by his reaction.  He would have thought he would be elated.  He was relieved, no doubt but he still carried a sadness in his heart for his daughter who would never know her mother.

“Mr. Smith may we continue?”  Mr. Bail was asking him.

He nodded sitting up at the table once more.  “Yes.  Yes, please continue.”

Nearly an hour later all of the legal paperwork had been gone through and documents signed, her lawyers excused themselves.  He sat there watching them as they filed out of the conference room.  Just another ordinary day in their lives.  For him it was one of the most pivotal in his lifetime. 

As his lawyers gathered their briefs and folders he was still lost in his thoughts.  “Stay as long as you like.  I don’t think anyone is scheduled in here for another hour.”  Mr. Bail said to him as he picked up his last file.

Matt turned to him.  “Um, may I ask you a question?”

They both stopped to look in his direction.  “Of course.”

“How did she seem?  How did she seem with her decision?”

Mr. Bail glanced at his assistant before answering.  “She seemed at peace with her choice.  She said it was the best choice she could make for her.”

“Of course.”  He said as he jumped from his seat.  “It always was about herself.”

“Actually…”  Mr. Hebert piped up looking to Mr. Bail to continue.  When he nodded, “She said it was the best choice she could make for Emma.”

He stopped to stare at the man who had just spoken.  “She actually said her name?”

“Yes.”

Mumbling to himself, “I didn’t even think she knew her name.”  He again got lost in his thoughts.

Several minutes passed before Mr. Bail inquired, “Will there be anything else Mr. Smith?”

Startled from his thoughts he shook his head.  “No.  Thank you.”  He reached out to shake their hands.  “I can’t thank you enough for taking care of all of this for me and my daughter.”

Somehow he made it to his car without any remembrance of the walk there.  Sitting in his car he tries to quell the myriad of emotions racing through him.  He knows he can’t go home just yet.  The last thing his daughter, or even his parents need is to see him breakdown.  That eliminates Alex too.  He just wants to be alone to wrestle with his thoughts and get his emotions under control before he has to face anyone.

Before he starts the car he fires off a couple of texts.  No sense letting everyone continue to worry.

_‘Mum, she signed them.  It’s over.  I need a little time to think.  Don’t worry.  I’m fine.  Love you xxoo.’_

_‘Alex, you were right!  She signed them.  Not ready to talk just yet.  I’ll call you later.  Love you xxoo.’_

_‘Kaz, you were right!  She signed them.  Not ready to talk just yet.  I’ll call you later.   xxoo.’_

Starting the engine he headed down towards the River Thames.  He needed to walk and to think.  Being beside the water always helped him with that.  Walking along the national trails of the River Thames he takes in the sights and sounds of the waterway.  It helps to clear his head.

It’s several hours before he twists his key in the lock to his flat.  When he steps inside he hears the laughter of his daughter above all else.  His heart swells with happiness that this day is over and that he is home.

“Daddy’s home!”  He announces before seeking out his adorable Princess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	24. Emma’s 1st Birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of the lovely comments worrying about Matt and Emma have been so wonderful to read. I hope you were happy with the outcome of that last chapter as it is pivotal to the story moving forward (as many of you surmised). This chapter is a bit long....lots of fun.....with just a tiny bit of angst. So grab a nice cuppa, sit back and I hope you enjoy it.

Matt jumps out of bed as soon as he hears his daughter cooing on the monitor.  He is bubbling with excitement as he brushes his teeth putting on a shirt with his joggers before heading to her room.  When he opens her door she is standing in her crib bouncing up and down the minute she sees him.  Her smile could illuminate the darkest corners of the universe.

“Good morning Princess!”  He says as he pulls her up.  “Do you know what today is?”  She looks up at him.  “It’s your birthday!!”  He twirls her around, his heart bursting with pride when she giggles back at him.  He lays her down and changes her nappie.  “Now let’s go get you some breakfast so we can get you changed before folks start arriving.”  She looks at him intently.  Honestly he is certain she understands every word he is saying.  “Yes, there are going to be lots of folks coming by to wish you a Happy Birthday.”

When he turns into the kitchen his mum is smiling back at them.  “And here is your first one….Grandmum!”  Emma claps with excitement as he hands her off to his mum.  He gets to work making Emma’s breakfast.  Thankfully his mum has already made tea.  She is so wonderful with Emma.  Whenever she’s around she insists she feeds her and baths her.  As grateful as she has been for all the time she has been able to spend with Emma; there is always so much more she has missed.  She shoos him off for his shower while her and Emma bond over breakfast.

As he turns on the shower he reflects on how different today is from yesterday.  When he turned on the shower yesterday he was so afraid his world was going to end.  Now that has been dealt with and his baby girl is one year old! 

When he comes bouncing out freshly showered and shaved Matt’s dad is reading the paper at the table while his mum is cleaning Emma up from breakfast.  When he goes to get Emma for her bath his mum tuts that she, “hardly gets to see her grandbaby these days.  I’ll give her her bath.  Besides you haven’t had breakfast yet and you’re already dressed.”  He gives his mum a kiss on her cheek thanking her for always being there for him.

He turns to make his own breakfast.  “Dad have you had breakfast?”

“Yep!  Already done.”  He announces to Matt as he’s cooking who won and who lost in yesterday’s footie matches.  They’re having an in-depth discussion about the current strategies the Rovers are utilizing when he sits down with his plate of eggs, ham, and toast.

When he’s nearly done his dad fixes him with a serious look.  “So did you work out everything about yesterday yet?”  His dad.  Most would think he’s mostly surface but that’s what he shows them.  For those he really cares about there is a deep, caring man underneath.

“I think so.”  He takes a sip of tea and sits back in his chair.  “I mean it’s a lot to process.  For so long that’s all I wanted was for her to sign the papers and this could be done.  But when they told me she had it still felt unfinished.”  He leans forward resting his elbows on the table cradling his cup in his hands.  “I don’t know I guess I still can’t understand how she can walk away from her own child.”

His dad looked at him over his reading glasses.  “It’s hard to know son what is going through her mind.  You can’t keep worrying about it now.  It’s done.  The best thing you can do is let it go and concentrate on your future.  What do you have lined up?”  His dad asks as he sips his tea.

“Nothing much.  Preliminary work on Terminator 3 doesn’t start until after the holidays but we won’t be starting to film until sometime in May.”

“That sounds like a lot of down time.  Now as much as you have been enjoying spending all your time with Emma; maybe it’s time you did some things for yourself.”

“Maybe…. Maybe I could see if there’s a project at the BBC I could do.  Something local or maybe finally take Steven up on his offer to let me direct an episode of Who.  That would be fun!”

“Now you’re talking.  You know…..”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of what he was about to say was interrupted by the doorbell.  “It looks like guests are already arriving.”

“Yes, well I best go get the cake.  Your mum would have me head if I forgot that.”  They both laughed as his father went to get his keys and he went to answer the door.

“Alex!”  He’s surprised she’s here so early.  He’s also if he is forced to admit it a bit nervous having her and his mum in the same room.  When he had been in Northampton last she sat him down for a serious discussion about Alex.  After realizing that it was his mum that gave her access to his flat to redo Emma’s bedroom he decides that that is what must have prompted the conversation.  He hopes they can both remember that this is Emma’s big day.  He folds her into a big hug.  “I’m glad you’re here.”  He says into her hair.

She smiles back at him.  “I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.”

“Me neither!”  Salome shouts as she jumps out from around the corner.

“Poppet!!”  She jumps at him so he can bring his long arms around her as well.  “Emma is going to be so happy to see you.”  They manage to get inside but he can’t help but notice that they have several bags of stuff.  “Please tell me those aren’t all presents?”

“Spoilers!!”  Alex purrs.

“No but seriously, you already did her room.  That’s more than enough.”                                           

“Oh don’t worry we just got her a few ‘accessories’ to go with her room.”  She says coyly.

“We may or may not have brought a few decorations for her party.”  Salome revealed.  She looks around at the bare walls.  “And it looks like they are sadly needed.”

“Ooh decorations!  Are there hats?”  He bubbles with excitement.

Alex rolls her eyes and laughs at him.  She looks over to her daughter.  “Now do you understand why I insisted on the hats?”

Salome grinned and Matt started to dive into the bags to find the hats.  “Not so fast you where’s the birthday girl?”

“Oh me mum is giving her her bath.”  Alex’s face falls as she realizes that Lynne is here already.  Of course she would be here.  It is her granddaughter’s first birthday.  At that moment his dad passed through on his way to pick up the cake.  He stops him to reintroduce him to Alex and Salome.  “Dad, you remember Alex?  And her daughter Salome?”

His dad only seems mildly surprised by her appearance here today.  He shakes her hand but doesn’t say much.  When he looks over to Salome he is surprised by how old she is.  “My goodness you have grown.  Last I saw you, you were barely as high as my chest.”

She blushes.  “I start at Oxford in a few weeks.”

“Oxford?  Impressive!”  He looks back between the three of them before announcing.  “Well I best be off.  We can’t have a birthday without a birthday cake.” 

“I’m going to go see if Lynne wants any help with the bath.”  Salome spoke and was gone before he could stop her.  He wondered how that would go over with his mum.

Alex took the opportunity of them being alone to slide her arms around him for another hug.  “So how are you doing?  Really?”

He pulls her in tighter.  “I’m doing much better now that you’re here.”  She steps back to look into his eyes to determine how he’s really doing.  “I think I’m ok with it all but in all honesty I’m still processing it.” 

She smiles back at him.  “That’s to be expected darling.  Yesterday was a big day.” 

“Yes, it was but today is more important and I don’t want anything taking away from the joy of it.”  She understands his meaning letting the matter drop for now.  “Now before this house fills up with well-wishers let me give you a proper hello.”  He pulls her closer taking her lips in his immediately twining his tongue with hers.  He could stay here all day if he could, except……

He hears a cough behind him.  Oh yeah, except his mum is standing right behind him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

His mum and Alex in the same room is, well ‘charged’ to say the least.  His mum has yet to speak to her and seems to be doing a fine job of pretending like she isn’t even there.  Salome she seems to have no problem with.  They are chatting away about where they should put the decorations. 

Carrying Emma he comes over to where Alex is looking out the window.  “Alex, Emma wants to know if you’re going to come play with her?”   

She pastes on a smile before turning to Emma.  “Does she now?  Well who could refuse the birthday girl?  What shall we play?”  He smiles back at her as he puts her down on her blanket with an assortment of toys to choose from. 

They delight in getting Emma to laugh as they tickle her with her stuffed animals.  As she busies herself with stacking blocks Matt looks over to Alex seeing the sadness in her eyes.  “You know she’s not always going to be like this.”  He says nudging her with his foot.

She nods at him.  “Truthfully darling, I don’t even blame her.  If someone had hurt Salome the way I hurt you I think I would probably be even worse.”  He stays quiet distracting himself with Emma’s bunny.  “I have a lot to make up for.”  She sighs.  “I don’t know if it will ever be enough.”  He wants to say something to ease her pain but he can’t lie.  He doesn’t know if it will ever be enough either.

Reaching out he takes her hand in his, “Friends.”  He says.

She nods, holding back how even that word hurts now.  “Friends.”

Emma starts to get a little cranky and when they look over she is rubbing her eyes.  “Oh I think it’s time for the birthday girl to take her nap.”  He picks her up cradling her close to his chest.  “Let’s get you rested for the party later, huh?”  When he leaves to put her down for her nap; she does not follow.  She tidies up the toys and watches the ease that Salome and Lynne work together to decorate the flat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a few minutes later Matt comes back in and has Salome occupied blowing up balloons she decides to approach Lynne.  Coming up to her quietly she asks, “Can we talk?”

Lynne seems surprised but nods her head.  Alex leads them from the lounge out to the back garden.  They’re standing on the back patio looking out into the garden.  Matt doesn’t have much in the way of flowers but he has a lovely oak tree that sprawls over much of the area. 

It’s several minutes before Alex finally says something.  “I know that I hurt him.”  She steals a glance at Lynne who seems to be in agreement.  “I know that now.  I didn’t know it at the time.”  Lynn lets out a huff.  She turns to look at her before she speaks again.  “I didn’t realize how deeply he cared.  The truth is I didn’t realize how much I cared either until it was too late.”

She turns back to look at the oak tree.  “I’ve been hurt a lot in relationships.  I’m not telling you this as an excuse but as a way of explanation.  I guarded my heart from Matt, at least I tried to.  He’s so young.  I was sure that this was just something for a while for him and eventually he would tire of me.  I never gave him my whole heart but somehow he got it anyway.” 

She turns to face Lynne who is standing with her arms wrapped around herself.  “I really do love him.  But I also know that I broke his heart and his trust.  There may not be enough time in our lifetimes to gain his trust back or for his heart to be whole again but I need to try.  I also know we may not ever be able to be more than friends again but I would willingly take that to not having him in my life again.”  She takes a step closer to Lynne.  “I know you have no reason to like me.  I wouldn’t like me either if I were you.  But I ask that you let him make up his own mind and not make it hard for him.  He wants us both to be here today.  Let’s give him that.”

Lynne looks at her for a long moment before she turns and sits on the edge of the patio steps, her feet stretched out into the grass.  Taking it as an invitation, Alex sits next to her.  They both stare out at the oak tree.  “He was so enamored with you, even before you got together.  Practically from his first day on set all he talked about was Alex this and Alex that.  When I finally confronted him about his feelings he admitted that he had fallen for you almost immediately.  That was shortly before he went to New York to promote his first series.”

Alex gasped.  Lynne looked in her direction.  “But that was….. that was months before we got together.”

“Yeah, it was.”  Lynne turned back to stare at the tree.  “It’s why I didn’t say much when the two of you did get together.  I knew he was already head over heels for you.  I made the mistake of thinking you felt the same.”

Alex rests her hand on Lynne’s arm, “But I did.  I was just too afraid to admit it to myself.  I didn’t think he could.  I mean not really.  He’s young.  I’m not.  There is so much more a young girl could offer him than I could.  I thought I was doing what was best for him and easier for me.  I let him go before he walked away.”  Tears welling in her eyes start to spill down her cheeks.

“And now?  What do you want from him now?”  Lynne’s words were measured.

“Oh god!”  She brushes the tears from her cheeks.  “If he’ll have me I want everything with him.  I want to make up for all the time we lost.  I want to love him like he deserves to be loved.  When I ran into him at the airport it was like he breathed life back into me for the first time in four years.  I’m still not sure if I am being fair to him but I love him so much that I don’t ever want to be without him in my life again.”

Lynne stayed quiet digesting Alex’s words, thinking about all her son had been through these past four years, he had just gotten through the trauma of Emma’s mother, and now this.  She wished she knew if this could be good or bad for him.  “Matt is a grown man.  He makes his own choices.”  She turns towards Alex.  “I used to like you.  You made my son happy.  I would like to again.  Make my son happy again.”

 A small watery smile appeared on Alex’s face feeling hope grow inside her once again.  “I will.  I promise you I will.”

Lynne fixes her with a probing stare as if she is trying to see what is really in her heart.  “I suppose time will tell.”  She ends the conversation by getting up from the patio and heading inside.  Alex continues to sit there trying to compose herself by letting her eyes follow the patterns of the branches of the tree as they jut off into their different directions.

She doesn’t hear the back door open.  It’s not until he sits down beside her that she realizes she’s not alone.  He bumps her shoulder with his own.  “Hey!”

“Hey!”  She says back.

A bit more concerned he asks, “You ok?” 

“Yeah.  Sure.”  She hasn’t looked at him yet and he knows that is a definite sign that she is trying to hold her emotions together. 

He knows she just had a conversation with his mum.  He’s fairly certain it wasn’t too pleasant.  What he’s not sure is if he should stay or go.  “So would you like company or would you rather be alone?”

She wraps her hand around his bicep and leans her head against his arm.  “If you’re the company, the answer is always yes.”

Shifting them slightly he wraps his arm around her letting her head rest against his chest.  He just holds her.  He doesn’t ask about the conversation or what might be bothering her.  He’s fairly certain he already knows.  She just needs him right now and he is so happy to be needed ……by her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Salome had supervised the decorating for the birthday.  It’s probably a little over the top but you only have a first birthday once!  Just as the guests start arriving Emma wakes up from her nap.  Matt goes to get the birthday girl.  “Hey there Princess!”  She starts jumping up and down in her crib when she sees him.  “Are you ready for your birthday party?”  He’s sure she understands him because she starts jumping even more excited.

When he has her all dressed in her special party dress, chosen by Karen, he brings her to her party.  The lounge seems full of adults.  Her grandparents are there, of course, and Alex and Salome.  Laura got here about a half hour ago and it seems Karen arrived while he was getting Emma ready.  Emma contemplates with wide-eyes why there are so many people in her house.

She gets passed around from adult to adult starting with Laura who insisted she be first since she hasn’t seen her for months.  When she finally makes it back to Lynne, Matt decides that it is present time!  “Matthew shouldn’t we have cake first?”  His mother scolded.

He just looks at her as if she is nuts.  “Do you seriously think Emma would choose cake over presents?”

“Not if she’s your kid!”  Karen declared.  Everybody laughed.

Emma was unsure of what presents were tentatively pulling at the wrapping.  Matt had little patience helping her very enthusiastically.  Salome had gotten her a TARDIS play tent because she said, “Who wouldn’t want their own special hiding place?” 

Arthur had sent with Alex a special childproof sonic screwdriver, just like her Daddy’s.  He told her to pass on, “that it’s so childproof that even Matt couldn’t break it!”  The room erupted in laughter at that and Matt blushed.  Alex had gotten her a Doctor Who playset with the eleventh Doctor, Amy, Rory, and River along with a set of dinosaurs.  She had to remind him that they were for Emma when he seemed to be enjoying playing with them too much.  “But Kingston, dinosaurs are cool!”

Laura and Karen had gotten her an ungodly amount of clothes.  “I think you two enjoy torturing me to see if I can wrestle her into these outfits.”  He complained.  The two of them winked at each other but refrained comment.  Her grandparents got her a small table and chairs along with her first tea set.  “I can’t wait until we can have our first tea party.”  His mum bubbled. 

He had her open his presents last.  He knows he went a bit overboard but this is his first child on her first birthday, he’s allowed.  She was so delighted with her pink coupe car that she didn’t want to get out of it to open the rest of her presents.  After a little persuasion she ripped the paper off of her little wagon.  She immediately picked up the dinosaurs to put in there.  When she opened the football she added that to the wagon too.  When he got jeers from the crowd he returned with, “Hey there is nothing wrong with a girl knowing how to play footie!”  Her last gift was a push & ride racer.  As soon as she figured out how to make it go with her feet she was zooming around the lounge putting everyone else’s feet in peril. 

“Well she’s definitely Matt’s child, running over our feet already!”  His dad said.  Matt looked his way sticking his tongue out at him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lynne declared it birthday cake time!  When everyone cheered Emma stopped to look at them to try to figure out why.  There was a special cake for her first birthday for everyone and then a special cake just for her.  Lynne put a large number one candle in the middle of hers but chose not to light it.  “She is after all Matt’s child.”  She explained.

Before everyone had finished singing her ‘Happy Birthday’ she was grabbing fistfuls of cake trying to shove it in her mouth.  Lots of pictures were taken that day but he knows that his favorite is going to be when she is covered head to toe in cake and icing with the happiest grin on her face. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After cake Karen announces aloud, “So I want to see this room makeover I’ve heard so much about!”

“Oh, me too!”  Laura pipes up.

His mum waves him off with the girls while she tries to clean icing off of Emma.  He leads Karen and Laura to Emma’s room, Salome and Alex follow.  As soon as they enter they are all drawn to the large mural of the dinosaur carrying Matt, Karen, and Arthur.  “Oh my god Matt!  They put me on the dinosaur!  That is so cool!” She seemed to be taking in all the details of the painting.

Laura was looking further around the room.  “Oh my god, she has her own TARDIS!” 

Karen whipped around to see what she was looking at.  “She does!  Her OWN TARDIS!!  I don’t even have one of those.  I might need to get me one now.”  Matt showed them how it was really the entrance to her closet.  “Sadly it is not bigger on the inside!”  Karen lamented.

“That is what I said!”  Salome echoed.

“No but she has her own interior TARDIS.”  Matt pointed out as he showed them that wall mural.

“That she does!”  Karen agreed as she took in the details of the mural noting that it seemed to be exactly as she remembered it.

Laura was looking at the bedding for the crib then looked above it.  “What’s that?  I get its Gallifreyan and part of it looks like the Doctor’s name but not all of it.”

Coming behind her Matt pointed to the top one.  “This one is the Doctor’s name, so you’re right about that.  The one below that is Emma’s name.”

“Really?”  Laura said.  “That is so, so cool!  My goodness Matt you do have fantastic friends.”  Matt looked over to Alex and winked.

Laura then turned to Salome, “You did a fabulous job on this.  Thank you for my brother and for Emma.”  She gave Salome a big hug.  She then walked over to Alex.  They hadn’t really spoken yet but Alex was sure she felt similarly to Lynne.  “Alex, this was a wonderful thing you did for them.  Thank you.”  Surprising Alex, she also hugged her.

“I really didn’t do much.  Salome did most of the coordinating; the WHO art department deserves most of the credit.  I was just lucky that Matt’s always been their favorite.  Folks were volunteering to do stuff even before I asked.”

“I was not their favorite.  Don’t get rumors started, Kingston.”  He teases.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that darling.  We had only contacted them about doing the ceiling.”  Both the ladies looked up but didn’t see anything.  Their confused faces amused Matt.  “Then I asked if they knew anyone who could help us build the TARDIS closet and they said they could handle it with stuff they had lying around.  Then a couple of days later they called me because Cornwall and Spencer offered to paint some murals.  We hadn’t even planned on these when this all started.  So you see darling, you are their favorite.”

“Wow!  I hadn’t realized.”  He mumbled humbly.

“So what is this about the ceiling?  You said that this is what started this whole thing but it doesn’t look like they did anything.”  Karen scoffed.

Matt transformed into his childlike wonder face.  “Oh Kaz but you are so wrong!  There is a fantastic universe hidden up there waiting for nighttime to come then it will burst forth!”  He arms are flailing as he describes what they will see.

“Oh my god, did you just turn into the Doctor?”  Karen taunts him.

He straightens up tugging on his non-existent lapels and straightens his non-existent bow tie.  “See if Emma and I invite you on any of our adventures, Pond!”  He taunts back bopping her nose as he goes to stand next to Alex.

Laura speaks up.  “So we have to wait until tonight to see it?”

“Yep!  You were planning on staying for dinner weren’t you Lor?  I haven’t seen you in an age.”

“Yeah sure, as long as you’re not cooking.”  She amends.

“Oi!  I’m a great cook.  Aren’t I Kingston?”  He looks over to Alex to back him up.

She pats his arm.  “Yes dear, you are very capable in the kitchen.  I am in constant fear that you are going to burn the place down but you manage quite admirably.”  He smiles, then frowns, then looks at her trying to figure out if that was a compliment or not.

Kaz jumps in, “So speaking of Alex, why isn’t River up here somewhere?”  Alex blushes and Matt seems to notice for the first time that River is missing.  “I mean I know she wasn’t in the dinosaur episode but then I wasn’t on the dinosaur that was Mark.”  She’s looking around the room wondering if she just missed it.

“Oh, I don’t think we need to complicate things by adding River.”  Alex says dryly.  Matt isn’t sure if she was referring to the episode or Emma’s room.  It gets him thinking though that he should ask them to add River.

Lynne comes in with a freshly bathed Emma.  “My goodness Emma, look at all these folks in your room.  I’m not sure there’s room for you to fit.”  They took the hint and started to leave except for Laura who stayed to help her mum pick out her next outfit.

As they were leaving the room Matt took Alex’s hand holding her back as Salome and Karen went on to the lounge.  When they were gone he turned in front of her pulling her into his chest.  “If I haven’t said thank you enough, let me say it again.”

She protested, “You don’t have to thank me, darling.”

He nuzzles his nose in her hair, “I didn’t mean just for Emma’s room – which is fantastic by the way.”  He leans back taking in the beauty of her face.  “I also meant for being there for me these last few months.  I know I’ve been a bit of a basket case but I appreciate you talking me down from the ledge whenever I needed it.”

She runs the back of her hand along his cheek and jaw, “Oh darling I will always be here for you.  I promised you that.”

The smile he gives her doesn’t seem genuine.  ‘He still doesn’t believe in me.’  As hard as that is to swallow, she also understands why and knows it’s up to her to convince him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they come back to the lounge, Salome asks her mum to help her put up Emma’s TARDIS tent.  While they’re occupied Karen takes the opportunity to speak with Matt alone.  “Come buy me a drink”, she says to him.

With their beers in hand she leads them to the back patio.  She looks over the sparse patio and yard.  “You know you really need to get some furniture for out here, like the kind Alex has back in LA.”

He clinks his bottle neck against hers.  “I’ll get right on that boss.”  She sticks her tongue at him.  He does the same.  “In the meantime I can offer you a lovely set of stairs on which to rest your arse upon.”

“Idiot!”   As she sits down on the stairs he tries to do the same but somehow manages to miss the step and falls into the lawn.  Karen is cackling at him.  “Oh my god, you are such a klutz.  How is it you haven’t maimed your daughter yet?”

When he finally sits beside her he bumps her roughly letting her know he did not appreciate her teasing.  They sit for a few minutes in silence enjoying the cool beer, the breeze on their face, and just the joy of the day.  “So”, she breaks the peace.  “I know you would probably not want to talk about this today but I’m heading back to America tomorrow.”  She looks over to him.  “Is there anything about yesterday you wanted to talk about?”

He turned back from her to look out into the garden again.  “I thought I’d feel differently after it was all over.”

“How do you mean?”  She’s trying to read his emotions but he is keeping them well hidden.

“When they told me that she had signed the papers; I knew that meant this nightmare was over.”

“But?”

“But I didn’t feel as relieved as I thought I would.  I felt sad.”

“Sad?  I don’t understand.  Why sad?”

He turns to her.  “Sad for Emma.  She’s never going to know her mother.”

She breathes in deeply now, her turn to look out into the garden thinking about his words.  Reaching over she wraps her hand around his arm and rests her head on his shoulder.  “You know Matt you have a big heart.  Most people wouldn’t give a fig about her mother after what she put you through.”  He leans against her head glad he has her in his life.   “I’m sure there will be times in Emma’s life that she will wonder about her mum but she has you.”  She lifts her head to look him straight in the eyes.  “You are the most wonderful dad any child could want.  Your childlike wonder keeps her happy and your Oncoming Storm keeps her safe.  She doesn’t really need more than that.  Besides she has lots of woman in her life:  me, your mum, your sister, Alex and even Salome.  I think she’s going to be fine.”  She lays her head back down on his shoulder and he replaces his head on hers.

They sit that way for some time looking out at the old oak tree sprawling across the lawn.  They both are thinking about this past year plus, that has brought them so close together.  He honestly does not know if he would still be standing if it wasn’t for Karen.  Karen was the only person who ever knew all of the not pretty details.  He just couldn’t burden his mum with them, and Alex….well it didn’t seem relevant any longer to tell her all of it.  It was a secret burden that only he and Karen bore.  He thanked god every day for her being his friend. 

“Hey Karen?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“No problem.”

When he sits up she asks, “So Alex?  How’s that going?”

He looks over to her resting his hand on her thigh.  “Could we table that conversation for another day?  I’d like to get back to Emma.”

“Absolutely.  Just don’t forget, I’m only a phone call away.”  She punches him playfully in the arm.

“And I am always grateful for that.”  He pulls her into a hug.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”  She chirps and he laughs.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they come back in Salome is showing Emma how to crawl in and out of her TARDIS tent.  Alex is laughing at Salome while Lynne is trying to encourage Emma to follow Salome inside the tent.  He stops them at the edge of the lounge just taking in the scene.  His daughter is a miracle worker.  If someone would have told him that his mum and Alex would be in the same room getting along today he never would have believed it.

Matt comes down to where Emma and Salome are playing.  “I think what you two need is a Doctor!”  He announces before crawling inside the tent.  His legs are fully sticking out but he can sit up inside which Emma takes full advantage of by crawling right up into his lap.  Salome pulls her phone from her back pocket taking several pictures of Matt and Emma “in the TARDIS”.

“Well I need to get going.”  Karen announces.

Matt pokes his head out of the TARDIS, “Already?”

“Yeah, I promised some friends I’d meet them for drinks later before I head back to America.”  She goes to gather up her purse while Matt tries to gracefully (not) get out of the TARDIS.

Alex motions to Salome, “Yeah we need to head out too darling.”

“What?  You’re all leaving me?”  He pouts holding Emma against his chest.

“Not all silly, just non-family members.” She rests her hand against his cheek.  “It’s time for just Emma and her family.  Enjoy it.  How often do you get that?”

Stepping around Matt she says to Lynne, “It was lovely to see you again.  Enjoy your granddaughter.”  She catches her own daughter hugging Matt and Emma.  “They grow up so fast.”

Lynne stood up from her place on the floor.  “Thank you for coming today and for all the decorations.  Also I never said but Emma’s room is beautiful.  I know that Matt and Emma think it is very special.”

“Thank you Lynne.”  She looks around but doesn’t see David or Laura.

“If you’re looking for the other two I think they have snuck off out back.  They think I don’t know but those buggers are smoking again.”  She rolls her eyes and Alex snickers.  “I’ll let them know you said good-bye.”

Karen comes barreling back into the room.  “Ok, I’m off.  Salome you have a great time at university and maybe even learn something while you’re there, ok?”  Salome laughs at her giving her a big hug.

“I’ll be expecting a call the next time you are in town.  I’m sure I will need a shopping trip by then.”  She rolls her eyes in Alex’s direction.  “She’s hopeless.”

“You got it!”  Turning to Alex.  “Ok, daughter I’ll see you on one continent or the other.  Just let me know where you are so I can keep up.”

“Yes mum.  This isn’t another ploy of yours to get me on Twitter?”

They all laugh.  “No, I’ve given up that as a lost cause.  Just let me know when you move locations so I’ll know if I’m nearby or not.”

“Alright, I will.”  She gives her a big hug.

She slides her arm around Matt’s walking him to the door with her.  “So call me whenever, but especially if you just need someone to talk to, ok?”  She gives him her concerned face.

“Thanks Kaz but you know you might not have to worry about me quite so much in this next year.”

“Really?”  She looks at him incredulously.  “Then whatever will I do with all of my time?”  They both bust up laughing.  Emma thinks it’s quite funny too.

Bending down to Emma’s height, “Alright there birthday girl, now don’t be getting too big on me until I get to see you again.”  She kisses the top of her head.

“Bye!”  She waves to everyone and then the force of nature that is Karen bounces out the front door leaving him next to Alex and Salome.

“So hey Matty, enjoy the rest of the birthday girl’s birthday.”  Bending down to Emma.  “Enjoy your presents and maybe I’ll come by and play with them with you, ok?”  Emma claps.

“Salome you know you are welcome any time, just call to be sure I’m here.  And if you ever need anything.  I know I’m not your dad or your mum but if you need anything at all just call, ok?”

Alex is almost moved to tears at how fatherly he is towards her daughter.  “Thanks Matty.  It will be nice to know I have somebody nearby when Mum and Dad are back home.”  She heads out the door.  “I’ll wait for you in the car mum.”

He’s confused by the teary look on Alex’s face.  He strokes her cheek.  “What’s the matter?” 

“Absolutely nothing!  You are so sweet to Salome it just touched me is all.”

He smiles at her pulling her in for a hug.  “I’ll always be there for Salome….and you.”

“Thank you Darling.”  She kisses him softly on the lips.  “I’m here for the next couple of weeks getting Salome settled into university.  Call if you want to do something or if you just want to talk.”

He hasn’t let go of her, his one arm still around her waist, his other holding Emma.  “Absolutely!  I want to see you Alex.”  He leans in kissing her more passionately.

“So do I darling.”  She says as she parts.

As there are walking to the door he reminds her, “I am available for carrying heavy boxes up to dormitories as well.”

Chuckling she assures him she will take him up on that, although she warns him he may end up regretting that.  With a final peck on the cheek she waves good-bye heading down to the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	25. Honest Conversation

A few days later he helps Salome move her last things into her dormitory.  He has to admit it was a bigger job than he expected but he was glad to do it.  Watching Salome playing with Emma as he put the last box on the floor; he couldn’t help but think that in a blink of an eye he would be doing this for his own daughter.  Shaking the thoughts from his head he instead chooses to focus on the here and now.  The here and now includes Emma, Salome, and Alex.  He couldn’t be happier.

They met up a few other times for coffee or lunch.  He didn’t want to monopolize all of her time as he knew she needed this time with Salome.  By the middle of the second week he called asking her if she could come over one evening so they could talk, alone.  She immediately agreed but couldn’t stop fretting over what he wanted to say.  They had been getting along well but …….. well she didn’t know ‘but what’ and that made her quite a bit nervous.

She arrived slightly before Emma’s bedtime delighting in getting to be a part of her nighttime ritual that night.  While he finished getting her settled in she went to the kitchen and made tea.  He seemed grateful for the gesture as he took his cup into the lounge with her following behind him.  As much as she tried she couldn’t stop worrying about what he wanted to talk about but she also knew she needed to let him lead.  So with more patient than she possessed she sat next to him waiting for him to start.

After a few sips of tea he put his cup down reaching over to her to tangle his fingers amongst hers.  The touch of his fingers against hers brought a smile to her lips and hope to her heart.  “Alex, I first want to thank you for being there every time I needed you these past months with all my fears about Emma’s mum.”  He was looking at her through his fringe, like he used to so often so long ago.  Her heart melted a bit at that.

“You don’t have to thank me for anything, darling.”  She began but he interrupted her.

“No, I think I do.  I called you at all hours, completely forgetting about the time differences and you never once hung up on me or let it go to voicemail.”

“I said I would always be there.”

“Yes, you did and you were no matter how much of a basket case I might have been when I called.”  Scooting closer to him she placed her hand against his arm.  “I needed you and you were there.”  There was a catch in his voice as he said it.  “Alex, I don’t know how I would have made it through these past months without your support.  I just wanted you to know how much I appreciated it.”  She reached into him pulling him to her holding him close.  She could feel his long arms wrap around her giving her the feeling of being safe.  Never has she felt as safe as she does in Matt’s arms.

He pulls apart from her slightly placing a soft kiss to her lips then resting his forehead against hers.  “So where do we go from here?”  She opens her eyes to see him looking back into hers just inches away.

Shifting back slightly she studies his face trying to read his emotions.  Gently she brushes his hair from his forehead.  “Where do you want us to go darling?”  She asks hesitantly.

“I asked first.”  He bops her nose as he sits back on the sofa allowing his arms to slide from her sides.  The loss of the feel of him around her makes her anxious.  How does she tell him she wants everything with him?  Will he believe her?  Is that what he wants too?  It’s not easy putting everything on the line when you don’t know how it will be received.  It occurs to her that that is exactly what he did for her the first time and she was not worthy of that trust.  Taking a deep breath she reminded herself that this is what she was going to have to do if she ever wanted him back.  She had to be willing to take a chance with him.

Reaching over to him she takes his hand in hers.  “Matt, these past few months since I ran into you at Heathrow have made me so happy.”  He smiles back at her.  “For four years I tried to convince myself that I had done the right thing by you…..setting you free.”  The smile drains from his face. 

“I know now that I was incredibly wrong.  It wasn’t the right thing for you and it certainly wasn’t the right thing for me.”  She brings his hand to her chest cradling it with both of hers.  “I hurt you.  I hurt you probably in the worse way possible.  I let you believe that I didn’t love you when I always have, then and now.”  A tear begins to fall down her cheek but she pays it no mind.  

“I do love you Matt.  I’ve never stopped and I know it’s a lot to ask of you but I want to try again.  I want a chance with you again.  Is that what you want?”  She holds his hand next to her heart; quiet tears line her face as she looks at him with pleading eyes.  She has never felt more vulnerable, nor more scared.

With his free hand he gently wipes the tears from her cheeks as he studies her.  God, this is all he has wanted to hear for four years but how does he trust in it?  How does he believe her this time?  He’s not sure but he knows he can’t go all in from the start like last time.  He honestly doesn’t think he has the strength to pick himself up from the devastation if she lets him down again.  But he wants this; he has always wanted this, so how can he say no.

His answer is quiet, barely above a whisper.  “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”  Her face breaks out into a smile and she begins to throw herself into his arms when he stops her.  “It’s all I’ve ever wanted Alex but how do I believe in it this time?  How do I believe in you?”  The devastated look on her face nearly kills him but right now this is about his own self-preservation.  “Tell me how we can do this?  Because I want this more than anything but it scares me more than anything at the same time.”

Never letting go of his hand, she takes a deep breath summoning courage she is sure she doesn’t have but that is necessary.  “Matt, we go slow.  We take each day one at a time.  Each day I will prove to you that I deserve your love.”  She places their conjoined hands against his own chest above his beating heart.  “And each day you will feel it more and more until you know it as I know yours for me.  I was not very good to your heart the last time but I swear to you I will treasure it along with your love as the gift that it is.  I will not take it for granted ever again.”

He wraps his one arm around her pulling her tight, his cheek pressed against hers.  A quiet whisper into her ear she hears, “I want that too.  I want that so much, Alex.”  Releasing his hand she flings her arms around his neck pulling him tighter to her; his now free hand wraps around her waist.  She begins to kiss his cheek trailing over his jaw in search of his lips.  She pours her passion for him in her kiss feeling him truly respond to her for the first time in so long……………then he gently pulls back from her.

“Alex, I want this.  I want you but I’m not ready to go all in yet.  I’m sorry I’m just not ready.”  She searches his eyes trying to read them.  She sees his love for her but she also sees fear.  He isn’t trying to hurt her; he’s trying to make sure she doesn’t hurt him.  She reminds herself that they needed to take one day at a time.

“Of course darling.  We can take this at whatever pace you want.  I am just so grateful that you would give us a chance again; that you would give me a chance again.”

Still holding her, “Thank you Alex.  Thank you for understanding.”  He pushes an errant curl behind her ear as he looks at her with such love in his eyes.  “I think it’s important that we realize that we can’t go back.  We can never go back to what we were.”  Her eyes go wide, stricken.  “But I think we can go forward, build something new.  We’re not the same people anymore; I know I’m certainly not.”  His fingertips brush against her cheeks.  “Would you like that Alex?  To build something new with me?”

It only takes her a second to respond, “Oh god yes, please.”  He smiles at her rubbing his nose against hers then kisses her with a restrained passion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	26. Careful We Might Break

It’s been a little more than 6 months since they first ran into each other in the airport, two months since Emma’s birthday.  They see each other when they can.  When she’s in London she usually stays at his place but nearly always in the guest room.  In LA they usually go back to their own homes.  They’re both frustrated that their physical relationship hasn’t progressed beyond heavy snogging. 

Alex doesn’t feel she can push him.  For those first few months he hid behind his worries for Emma and she accepted that.  She had hoped when that issue had been resolved that they would be able to move forward but that hasn’t been the case.  Matt seems to get very uncomfortable whenever her hands stray under his clothing.  Just about reaching the limit of her patience she’s not sure what else to do.

Matt definitely seems reluctant to go that full step.  He has come so close to wanting to rip her clothes off and be who they were to each other before but something keeps holding him back.  He told himself it was because of Emma and all of the drama surrounding that but it has been months since that has been resolved.  He is so frustrated but yet it is always him that backs away when things get too heated between them.

One day they are enjoying a Saturday afternoon at home.  He has turned on a Blackburn game just as she went to put Emma down for a nap.  They had spent the afternoon playing with her on the floor and ‘helping’ her walk.  He mused that soon she was going to be running around the flat at full speed.  He hoped he had the energy to keep up.

When she came back in the room she gently reminded him to keep the shouting down so he did not wake Emma.  He grabbed her pulling her onto his lap.  “Make me!”  He teased.

“Maybe I will!”  Sliding her fingers into his hair she pulled him closer, her lips slanted over his.  His tongue traced her lips and she parted them letting him in.  He wanted to devour her, the taste of her filling him with need.  He could never get enough of her.  Unbuttoning his shirt her lips began kissing and nipping his cheek then his jaw.  When he felt her hands against the skin of his chest he uttered a gasp.  Instinctively his hand that had been tracing up and down her spine slid to the front of her cupping her breast.  She arched into him feeling his hands on her for the first time in years.

It was like an alarm went off in his head he moved his hands to her arms pushing her gently back trying to stop her kissing as it was moving down his chest.  “Alex, love…stop please.”  She could hear the frustration in his voice but damn it she was frustrated too.  ‘Why did he keep doing this to them?’

Her hands on his chest she raises herself up, her eyes staring at him.  “Why?”  Her voice conveys the anger and frustration that she is feeling.

He goes to move her from his lap to beside him on the couch.  “You know why.”  He says as if she does when she doesn’t – not at all.

Leaping to her feet she moves in front of the mantle pacing back and forth giving him furtive glances every so often.  She is trying to temper her feelings and measure her words but she’s not sure if she can any longer.  “I’ve tried being patient Matt, I really have.  I don’t think I can do this any longer.  You say I know why but I don’t – not at all.”  She never stops her pacing as if it is fueling her fury giving her the strength to finally say these words.  “I know I hurt you.  I know I destroyed us but I thought we were moving past that.  I thought _you_ were moving past that.”  Her hands punctuating each of the words as her feet take her back and forth.  “I thought you wanted to give us another chance but every time I try to get close to you, you push me away.”  She pushes her hands through her hair as she moves not looking at him as she continues.  “I’m so fucking frustrated I can’t see straight so you’re going to have to explain this to me cause I really don’t get it.”  She stops, her eyes piercing him.

As he watched her pace back and forth spouting her frustrations to him it just got him angrier.  Between his own sexual frustration and the anger that still cursed right below his skin at her he did what he had been trying not to do for the past six months.  He exploded on her.  Jumping to his feet, his eyes alight he began raging at her.  “How dare you be mad at me!  This is all you’re doing in the first place.  If you hadn’t walked out on us we could have been together this whole time.  You and your whole fucking ‘setting me free’ bullshit.  How long before you decide you need to let me go again?  Huh Kingston, how long?”  Now he’s pacing trying to expel the anger that boils in him.

Wrapping her arms around herself she stares at him following him as he goes back and forth.  She feels like she’s been punched in the gut.  In no more than a whisper she says, “So you’re just waiting for me to leave?” 

He stops in his tracks to stare at her as if she just gave him his own epiphany.  “Maybe I am.”  He murmurs mostly to himself before falling onto the sofa behind him.

She feels her knees give way as her hand reaches for the hearth behind her.  Sitting there she looks over to him wondering if he’ll ever truly be able to forgive her and trust her again because it’s fairly obvious that he doesn’t.

“I thought you forgave me.”  Her voice barely above a whisper as her hands hold her head up.

Finally looking at her sitting there he says, “I thought I had too.”

“But you haven’t Matt.  It’s obvious.  You’re sure I’m just going to leave again.  Is that why you don’t want us to have sex?”

He looks at her, his heart in his throat, his emotions raw like they were that night on her patio back in LA.  He loves her.  He knows he does.  But then he’s always been sure of his feelings in this relationship.  It’s hers he can’t really trust.  He sits quietly contemplating how to say this.  “When we were together before I knew I loved you practically from the start.  Every day I loved you more.  It ached to be apart from you even when it was just for a few hours.  I knew then there was no one else for me.  _I knew that_ but you didn’t trust that or you didn’t love me enough or you didn’t need me like I needed you.  I can’t go through that rejection again.  I can’t.  So yes I hold back from going all the way with you because I won’t be able to hold my heart back any longer and I honestly don’t think I will survive it a second time.”

Tears are streaming down her face as she watches the pain play out over his.  She knew she hurt him but she didn’t think she had _changed him_.  She had.  He’d believed in her, believed in their love for one another and she took it away crushing him, leaving him nothing tangible to hold on to.  She recognizes that pain in front of her.  It looks much the same as the pain Ralph put her through.  ‘God, how can he even stand to look at me after what I have done to him?’

“Because you’re the most beautiful person I have ever seen.”  He answers.  She realizes she must have spoken out loud.

Wiping the tears from her cheeks she comes over to sit next to him on the couch.  She wants to take his hand but she’s not sure if he’ll let her and she doesn’t think she can handle the rejection right now.  “Matt, I did love you and I needed you, too much.”

“What the hell does that mean Alex?  How can you love somebody too much?”

She hesitates.  “It means that I loved you so much that I’ve never been the same since that day I walked out of your life.  I have been walking around living some kind of a half-life wondering where the other part of me was.  You’re the other part of me.  I have felt more alive these past six months than I ever did over those four years.”  “I love you Matt.”  “I want you.”  “I need you.”

He reached out for her hand and she gladly gave it over to him.  He pulled her to him his arms sliding around her back pressing her into his chest.  She held on tight, her ear pressed into his heartbeat as her own fell in sync with it.  Across her temple she felt his feather light kisses between his quiet sobs.

His voice small, quiet, “How do I trust this?  Us?  How?” 

She pulls herself away from him so he can see in her eyes.  “Because every day I am going to prove it to you until you can trust it, trust me.  Would you allow me that?  To prove to you how much I love you?”

He nods and she leaps back into his arms.  “Matt you’re not going to be sorry.  I promise.  You can trust me this time.  I’m not going anywhere.”  His arms tighten around her as if they can tether her to him.  It seems like hours pass before they are jolted from their quiet embrace by Emma’s cries.

She goes to get up but he kisses her temple and says, “I got it.”

Sitting there she wonders how she will ever be able to prove to Matt that she’s not leaving this time, that she loves him and wants to be with him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	27. Everyone Needs a Rock

A few days later she calls Jen.  Jen has always been her rock since back to her RADA days.  She was a witness to the ebb and flow of her relationship with Ralph; even going as far as trying to talk her out of marrying him.  Damn, should have listened.  Throughout her trials and tribulations to have a child Jen listened, gave quiet advice and cried with her when it wasn’t meant to be.  She held her together through the agonizing decision that her marriage was over at the same time she learned that children were no longer a possibility.  She was her strongest supporter. 

When she left Matt however Jen refused to talk to her for two full weeks.  When she finally did the first thing she asked was, “Are you ready to take him back yet?”  Despite her answer of no Jen stood by her.  She told her she was wrong, frequently, but she stood by her.  Matt had made an impression on Jen.  That wasn’t an easy thing to do but he managed to charm the crusty Canadian and she was convinced that Matt would always do right by Alex.  She also liked to frequently point out that she was right about that too since it was Alex that blew up the relationship.

So when she rekindled her friendship with Matt; she thought Jen would be ecstatic.  Instead her friend questioned her motives.  “What are you doing Alex?”  She explained how they had met up at the airport and that she had invited him to Salome’s graduation.  Tearfully she relayed the harsh words they spoke and the gentle ones as well.  When she told Jen she wanted to at least be able to still have Matt as her friend she cautioned her.  “Be careful Alex.  I think his heart may have been more bruised when you parted than yours and I know how hard this has been on you.”  She tried to remember her advice and to be cautious with each step as they seemed to be getting back to them.

She wasn’t sure how Jen would react to recent events but she treasured her council and this time she promised herself she would follow it.  Jen listened and with great restraint didn’t tell her she told her so.  “Jen, what do I do?  How can I convince him he can trust me again?  That I’m not leaving this time?”

For what seemed like forever there was silence from Jen but finally she responded with, “You have to woo him, Alex.”

“Woo him?”  She laughed.

“Yeah, woo him.  The first time you let him do all the work and he did, willingly.  He planned fancy dates, he complimented you, played special songs over his phone, and he even wrote you love letters.  What did you do?”

Now it was Alex’s turn to be silent, thinking about how little she had given to the relationship that last time.  Jen was right she let Matt pursue her, love her, make her feel special but she did very little in return to let him know how important he was to her.  “Oh god Jen, you’re right.  I barely did anything.  Jen helped her think of things he might like.  Jen was impressed though when she told her about redoing Emma’s bedroom.  “That’s a great beginning.”  She told her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After her and Matt’s epiphanies they seemed more tentative around each other, more charged.  It was like they were both highly aware of the others every move when they hadn’t been before.  She’s in London filming a special at the BBC for the next three weeks.  Since there truth-baring conversation she hasn’t stayed at his place.  When she finally realized that it was harder on him than she thought for them not to be having a physical relationship she knew she wasn’t being fair to him.  That didn’t mean they didn’t see each other.  Nearly every night after filming she went to his flat.  She only had a hotel room to invite him to and besides there was Emma to consider.

On Sunday she stopped by after visiting her favorite open markets in London.  Armed with flowers and fresh fruit/vegetables she made her way to the kitchen to put them away.  It took three cupboards but she finally found something suitable for a vase; placing it on the table after she finished arranging them.  He was on the floor in the lounge playing with Emma when she brought in a brown bag handing it to him.  “What’s this?”  He asked.

He opened the bag pulling out three vinyl records.  “Oh my god Kingston!  Where did you find these?”  Reverently he held them as he looked them over.  She smiled.

“Oh just a little something I saw I thought you’d like.”  She tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal.  She would never tell him she spent nearly two hours going through box after box of vinyls to find ones she thought he would like.

Moving to his turntable he pulls out the Leonard Cohen vinyl _New Skin for the Old Ceremony._   He stands there listening to the rasp of the needle as the album begins.  Watching his face she sees how the music transports him and she glows inside, she did that for him.  He surprises her by asking her to dance.  She remembers that day as the day he held her close for the longest time.  They both wore smiles for the rest of the day.

~~~~~~~~

Seeing how happy this small gesture made him she wanted to do more.  The following Saturday she arrived early with breakfast in hand.  “Alex, what are you doing here so early?  I thought we weren’t meeting up until this afternoon?”  She had made sure he had the afternoon available but she knew he rarely ventured out on Saturday mornings except maybe to go to the park.

“Well, I couldn’t wait.  We have big plans so let’s have breakfast then we can get started.”  Her excitement seemed to be radiating through her entire body as she bounced on her feet.

“How much sugar have you had this morning Kingston?”  She laughed.  “You’re almost as hyper as I am sometimes.”

“Maybe your rubbing off on me darling.”  She teased.

He leaned over to give her a chaste kiss.  “I think I rather like that.”

After breakfast she picked up Emma leaving him to clean-up the breakfast dishes.  After a quick rummage through his closet she went to Emma’s room to change her nappie and her outfit.  When she returns she plops Emma into his lap where he is sitting on the couch.  He looks curiously at her outfit.  “Emma what are you wearing?”  Emma shows off her toddler sized Blackburn Rovers one piece.  When he looks towards Alex she is bustling with excitement.

“What do you think?  Do you think she will be the cutest baby at the game?”  She tickles Emma’s tummy just to hear her squeal.

“Alex, what are you talking about?  We’re not going to the game, it’s sold out.”

She jumps up.  “Well then it’s a good thing that I already have tickets.  Now hurry up and get ready.”  She throws his Blackburn jersey at him laughing as it lands on his head.

He pulls the jersey from his head piercing her with a look that makes her stop in her tracks.  “Alex, this isn’t a prank is it?”

“Why would you think this is a prank?” 

“Because that game has been sold out for weeks and you hate footie games.”

She sits beside him.  “Matt I don’t hate footie games.  I’ll admit I don’t always understand them but there important to you.  This was your dream once.  I know you still wish you could have had that chance but watching the games and rooting for your team is your way of staying connected.  So if it’s important to you then it’s important to me.”  He tries to swallow the lump in his throat.  Having to leave football behind was one of the hardest things he ever had to do.  It _had_ been his dream and when his body wouldn’t allow him to be a player anymore he refused to watch the games for more than a year.  Longing for that connection again to something that had been so much a part of his life since he was a child; he started watching the games again.  They were important to him and she got that.

“Thank you Alex.  I didn’t think anyone got why they were so important to me.”

With a twinkle in her eye she said, “I’m not just anyone.”  He smiled back at her because she’s right, she isn’t.  “So are we going or not?  Or should I find some other devilishly handsome bloke who wants to go to a footie game today?”

Pulling her to him he crashes his lips against hers before plopping Emma in her lap.  He jumps up with his Rover’s shirt in his hand in the direction of his bedroom.  “I’ll be ready in five.”

Emma pushes up on her legs grabbing a handful of curls.  “So what do you think Emma?  Do you think Daddy liked his surprise?”  Emma clapped her hands together while bouncing up and down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	28. Love Letters

By the next weekend she is back in LA.  Fondly she remembers their time at the Rover’s game.  Matt seems to go to another place when he is watching a match; not unlike how he transformed into the role of the Doctor.  If pressed she could not tell you anything about the game itself but watching Matt Smith watching a game might be her new favorite pastime.

As she looks out at her back garden she misses him.  Her days are too quiet here now.  Salome is at Oxford and Matt and Emma are in London.  She begins to wonder why she came back.  She was so used to hurrying back to LA to be with her daughter but now her daughter is thousands of miles in the opposite direction.  Soon he will need to be in the States to begin filming for the third Terminator movie.  She can’t help but smile at that.

When she goes back to her room to shower and change she remembers his letters.  Sitting on the edge of the bed she pulls them from her nightstand drawer.  Five.  He sent her five love letters before he gave up.  She holds them close to her chest as she had done many times before trying to feel him through the paper.  Looking through the postmarks she pulls out the earliest one.

_My Dearest Alex,_

_I miss you.  I don’t know how to be without you.  I know you think I’m too young to know how I really feel but I don’t feel young.  I feel old and weary.  You’d probably tell me I’m taking my role too seriously again.  But I’ve learned some things from him._

_I’ve learned you shouldn’t wait until the person you love is gone to cherish them.  I’ve learned that sometimes despite all odds there is one perfect person waiting for you in the universe and that when you find them everything falls into place.  That’s you for me Alex.  My life didn’t make sense until you came sauntering into it.  There was only one possible outcome: that I would fall madly in love with you.  And I did.  I am.  I am so in love with you._

_Please come back to me.  I need you.  I don’t make sense without you.  Please love, just call me._

_With everything,_

_Matt xxoo_

 

She has to move the letters to her side to keep the tears from staining the ink.  How did she ever resist him when she first read this?  Reading this now she can picture him sitting and writing it.  In her mind she sees the pain on his face as he carefully chooses the words that might win back her heart.  She lays her head on the bed shedding new tears.  This time not for her own broken heart but finally for his. 

One by one she reads each of them in the order he sent them.  Each are filled with love, sometimes poems, or music lyrics but all of them are Matt pouring his heart out on paper for her.  With her new perspective of him and her reawakened feelings of him she sees more than just his love in his words.  She sees the pain that he had to have been going through.  The pain that she put him through.

She lies there on her bed for the longest time.  Will I ever be able to make up to him what I’ve put him through?  She thinks back to how devastated she felt when Ralph left her.  Even though Ralph and Matt are as different as night and day what _she_ did to Matt isn’t all that different than what Ralph had done to her.  At that point in her life she had loved Ralph with everything she was, and when he rejected her she had no idea how to function without him.  She had let him become her world and then he took her world away.

She can see now that that is what she did to Matt.  Matt was so much more into their relationship than she was.  She was his world, and then she took it away. 

Thinking about her recovery from Ralph she knows that if he would have asked she would have run back to him, at least in the beginning.  It took her years to be strong enough to know that he wasn’t good for her.  Where Matt was generous and kind; Ralph could be selfish and cruel.  He might have loved her but more as a possession; certainly not for who she was.  He would have never been able to accept who she had become.  But Matt accepted her, even loved her _for_ it.

As she had been changed from her experiences with Ralph; Matt had been changed from his experiences with her.  She’s sure the catastrophe that was his relationship with whatshername didn’t help either.  Where Matt had always been open and generous with his heart; he was more guarded now, afraid.  She cried as she thought of having done to him what had been done to her.  Maybe she doesn’t deserve his forgiveness.

She forced herself off the bed.  Carefully she refolded each letter putting it back into its envelope and placed them in the nightstand drawer.  Standing in the shower she lets the water beat down on her trying to find hope where there probably is none.

As with most things in their relationship it is Matt that provides it.  He calls later in the day just to tell her he misses her and relate to her the mundane details of his day.  Her heart fills with such joy just to hear his voice and it reminded her of his words: ‘ _there is one perfect person waiting for you in the universe and that when you find them everything falls into place’._  That’s what he does for her…he makes everything fall into place.

When she finishes talking with him she searches for stationary.  Not ordinary stationary but some of the really pretty stuff her mum likes to buy her even though she keeps telling her that nobody writes anymore. When she finds it buried in a bottom drawer in her office, she then chooses a pen one that would be worthy of this letter.  With a cup of tea in one hand and her pen and paper in the other she sits at the garden patio table.  There’s a bit of breeze as she pulls her jumper closer around her but she relishes the warmth of the sun on her face.  It is here that she pens the first of many letters.

_My Dearest Matt,_

_I miss you.  I miss being able to look at your adorable face.  I miss how beautifully you light up when you are looking at your daughter.  I miss how, when you think I’m not looking, you look at me that way.  I miss the touch of your hand in mind that lets me know that you are near.  I miss the taste of your lips on mine, your odd combination of tea and sweets and Matt.  Matt is my absolute favorite flavor.  I really think they should make one for Bertie Bott’s Beans.  But then it would only be a substitute for the real thing so maybe not then.  I miss the feel of your arms around me that make me feel so safe.  I miss listening for your heartbeat, letting mine beat in tandem to it.  I miss the sound of your voice which always calms me and yet gets my heart aflutter at the same time.  I just miss you Matt and I love you and I just wanted you to know._

_All my love,_

_Alex  xxoo_

She feels almost giddy as she addresses it and posts it.  She can’t help but wonder what he’ll say when he reads it.  She can’t wait to start the next one.  Sometimes she tells him a story, or looks up poetry or quotes from plays/movies.  Even though he mocks her taste in country music often the words speak to her about him so she includes them as well.  Throughout each she tells him over and over again that she loves him and misses him.  Over the next two weeks she writes a total of eight letters. 

He never says anything about them when they speak.  At first she is disappointed but then she never talked with him about the ones he had sent her.  She decides their more of a secret missive.  That makes her smile more knowing it’s a secret that only they know about and don’t even dare speak to each other about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s late in the day as he is sorting the mail next to the waste bin.  Emma is playing on the floor in the lounge in front of him when he sees it.  It’s a letter or a card not a bill or advertisement.  Turning it over he recognizes the handwriting immediately and his hand begins to shake.  It’s from Alex.  He drops it on the counter like it might burn him.  ‘Why is she writing to him?  Is this her way of letting him down easy without having to face him?’  He knows their situation has been difficult on her but then it hasn’t been all that easy for him either.  Staring at the envelope he tries to determine if she felt happy or sad when she addressed it.  The curly letters appear happy but he couldn’t be sure. 

Being the mature responsible adult that he is he knew he only had one option.  He ran.  Picking Emma up off the floor he bundled her up before pulling out her pram.  The strong February winds were biting but he needed to walk to think.  Throughout the walk he thought about their current ‘relationship’.  It was hard to define it.  After their blowup they both seemed to be opening up more to each other.  He thought about the special things she had done for him the last time she was in town.  He kept coming up with reasons that she would have written to him.  One that stuck with him was that Valentine’s was coming soon; maybe it was for that.  That put a smile on his face.

However when he came home he was still unable to face what may have been contained within that envelope.  After he put Emma down for the night he picked it up from the counter where he had dropped it earlier.  For several long minutes he stared at it wanting to know what it said and dreading it at the same time.  Bringing it to his nose he could smell Alex.  Despite the thousands of miles that this letter had traveled he could still smell her scent held within the paper.

That night he took it into his bedroom propping it against the lamp on the side table.  When she calls later that night he listens intently to her words.  She seemed happy, not like you would expect it she sent you a letter letting you go.  After they hung up he fell into a fitful sleep.  Parts of his dreams were happy as he relived their previous relationship interspersed with their current one but then he relived their breakup.  Tossing and turning he woke in a cold sweat calling her name.

For two days he ignored it where it sat on his nightstand tormenting him.  On the third day he found another mixed in with the bills and advertisements.  Holding it in his hand he questions it, “No one sends two goodbye letters.”  Finally giving in he goes to his bedroom, sits on the edge of the bed and lifts the envelope from where he had placed in three days ago.  Slowly he opens it using only his finger to cut along the edge.  When he pulls the page out the smell of Alex fills the air around him.  He assumes she must have sprayed the paper with her favorite perfume.

When he finally reads it he can’t stop the tears from flowing down his face.  “I miss you too, Alex.”  He holds the paper to his chest as if it was actually her.  “Oh my god, she really loves me.”  It takes him a few minutes before he remembers that there is another one in the pile of mail.  Racing to the kitchen he grabs it before heading back to his bedroom.  This one was three pages long.  He settled back onto the pillows to read it. 

It was a story, a story from their before but there were so many things he hadn’t known.  As he read her words it felt like he had gone on a journey back in time.  This time he saw things through her eyes not just through his own.  When he finished reading it he laid it next to him thinking hard about what she had told him.  It wasn’t just hearing how she saw them but realizing that he hadn’t really realized how very difficult it had been for her.  She loved him but it always felt so fragile, so temporary to her.  She could never give her full heart knowing that it would end.  He thought about how he had been holding back from her, afraid to give her his whole heart now. 

He wondered would there ever be a time when they were both ready, both able to give themselves fully to the other. 

As he laid there thinking it occurred to him that she must have read his letters all those years ago.  With eyes damp with tears he turned onto his side his chest heavy in the knowing that she had held and read his letters.  ‘How hard that must have been for her.’  With each letter that came he fell in love with her more.  He felt loved by her more. 

She never asked him about them and he never mentioned getting them.  They were a private correspondence that they had.  For his part it had started over four years ago; it just took her a little longer to take part.  More than once he sat down intent on writing her a new letter.   He found it impossible to say what he wanted to. 

When he wrote before he knew his letters were a last chance and he put everything he had into them.  Now there was a chance and he was paralyzed by the fear that he was going to mess it up again by wanting too much.  It was why he let her lead, why he didn’t push for more, and why he backed away from it as well.  Because he can’t just have something with her; he needs to have everything.

He hopes that he is understanding what she is telling him because it sounds like she is ready for everything too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	29. What Are You Doing in LA?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to: lovelywordshenanigans and Paddy90  
> They know why.

When she talks with Jen next she is more hopeful and she wonders if it is because she is actually doing something instead of waiting for it to happen.  “So what’s next?”  Jen asks.

“I don’t know.  He’ll be back here filming for T3 in May.”  She begins.

Jen interrupts her, “So what have you got lined up right now?”

“Not too much, I did a guest spot on NCIS last week.  I’m not slated to film for Arrow until the fall.  I’m kinda at loose ends right now.  I auditioned for a couple of plays but haven’t heard back on any of them yet.”

“So what are you doing in LA?”  Jen gets straight to the point.

“Um, well I live here.”  She answers confused.

“Yeah, when your daughter lived there but now she’s thousands of miles away in Oxford, not all that far from the man you love.  So I ask again, what are you doing in LA?”

“Um, I don’t know.  Habit I guess.”  She answers as if just realizing she didn’t have to be here, that there was nothing tying her to California now.

Jen laughs at her.  “Oh love, you’re just so ridiculous.  You need to get yourself on an airplane and get over here.  There’s a gorgeous man waiting for you.”

“Is there?”  Her voice sounds small and unsure.

“Why are you still not sure?”  Jen asks.

She shakes her head trying to remove the doubts.  “Jen, I know I love him and I know he loves me but being so close to him and not be able to **_be_** with him is killing me.”

She hears Jen cackle on the other end of the phone.  “Well Alexandra Kingston you just need to go over there and bat your pretty eyelashes at him and seduce the hell out of him!”

She lets out a heavy sigh.  “If I thought he would allow it and not drive him further away I would have already done that.  He’s not ready.  He doesn’t fully trust me yet or believe that I won’t just leave.”

“Then why don’t you marry him?”

She sits bolt upright on the chair at her friend’s suggestion.  _“What?”_

“You heard me.  Why don’t you marry him?  That should give him the message that you are serious.”

She can’t sit any longer jumping up to pace back and forth as she contemplates the possibility of marrying Matt.  “Jen that’s crazy.  What do you think I should just show up on his doorstep and ask him to marry me?”

“Well, yeah but I would go down on bended knee if I were you.  You want him to know you’re sincere.”

“You’re serious?!?”

“Of course I’m serious.  Alex, isn’t this where you wanted to get to anyways?  I mean if being with Matt for the rest of your life wasn’t the goal then what the hell have you been doing these past eight months?”

She stopped in her tracks.  What Jen was saying made sense but marriage?  A third?  “I suppose I hadn’t really thought about it in terms of us being married.”

“Why not?  Isn’t that what people do who are madly in love?”

“Says the happily married woman.”

“Yeah I am and I had to wait until some idiots changed the laws to get married.  We couldn’t be happier.  That’s what I want for you love, to be happy.  I think you and Matt can make each other happy if you just let the past go.”

“You mean my other attempts at marriage that failed spectacularly?”

Jen takes a deep breath obviously getting annoyed with her.  “Alex those guys were idiots and you were an even bigger idiot for marrying them.”  Alex rolls her eyes as Jen gears up for her big ‘I told you so’ speech.  She never wanted her to marry Ralph and almost boycotted the wedding to get her to see reason.  With Florian she felt she was jumping in too quickly.  Not only had they not known each other that long but she was still hurting from her first marriage.  “Just because things didn’t work out with them doesn’t mean the same will happen with you and Matt.  Is your relationship with Matt anything like your relationship with Ralph or with Florian?”

She paced silently for a while contemplating that question.  “No, I suppose not.”

“Then your marriage won’t be either.”  Alex took in a deep breath.  Jen continued with her argument, “With Ralph he wanted to possess you, to control you.  Matt wants you as an equal.”  She sat down on the edge of the sofa as Jen’s words made sense to her. 

“With Florian you thought you had the upper hand.”  Alex starts to protest but Jen cuts her off.  “Yeah, you did Alex.  You had all that Hollywood power at the time and he needed you to produce babies.  You were trippin on it until…..well until.”  She falls back against the cushions as she thinks about how powerless she did feel when her own body betrayed her keeping her from the houseful of babies she had wanted.

“Now I could be wrong, but I rarely am.”  Alex snorts.  “But you and Matt aren’t about control.  He doesn’t want to control you and you don’t want to control him.  It’s just about loving each other.”  She lets Alex think about her words for a few minutes before she adds, “So don’t you think it’s about time you told him that you’re ready to love him?”

When Alex doesn’t answer right away Jen concludes the phone call with, “I think you have a lot to think about.  Call me if you want to talk some more.”

“Ok, thanks Jen.  Bye.”

“Bye, love.”

Sitting on the sofa she thinks about all that Jen had said.  Did she really want to marry Matt?  Would he want to marry her?  Jen was right in asking what she wanted from Matt.  Why was she pursuing him?  It was hours later when she felt she had her answer.  She did love Matt and she did want to spend the rest of her life with him.  Although marriage scared the hell out of her; it was probably the one thing that would convince him how serious she was.  She jumps up from the sofa giddy as a school girl.

She fires off a text to Jen:  ‘ _Want to help me plan a proposal?’_

_‘Yoohoo!  I knew you’d come around.  Go watch some romantic movies.  We’ll talk tomorrow.’_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instead of going out to get romantic movies she decided to use her newfound Google skills to research romantic proposals.  Salome would be so proud of her.

The next day when Jen called she was bubbling with ideas and excitement at the prospect of proposing.  Alex shared her ideas and Jen helped her choose ones they thought he would like.  With both of them being famous she knew it had to be private, so that eliminated any public proposals.  She didn’t think it needed to be too elaborate but heartfelt.  “So what kind of ring are you going to get?”  Jen asked anxiously.

“Ring?”  She hadn’t thought of a ring.

“Well, yeah whenever a guy proposes there’s always a ring.  Don’t you think you should have a ring?  It would also show him that you had been planning it for some time.”

“You’re right.  I guess I should go out and look for some.”  She wonders where one goes to find a man’s engagement ring.

“Or you could use your new found Internet skills to look up some.  At least to get an idea of what you’re looking for before you head out.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  What would I even search for?”

“Ok, go to your laptop.  I’m on mind.  We’ll do this together.”

“Are you serious?  You’re going to help me pick out an engagement ring?”

“Of course I am.   I can’t trust you with your taste.  You might end up with some god awful thing with a big rabbit on it or something!”  They both laugh thinking of Alex’s ridiculous rabbit ring that got her in _so much_ trouble on Ferguson.

“Yeah probably should make sure it’s something that he can be seen in public with.”  She teases back.

“Exactly!”  Alex sticks her tongue out at her even though her friend can’t see her.

They spend the next hour looking over rings on various sites before choosing the one.   The smooth platinum band contains an inlay of alternating blue sapphires and diamonds.  She is beginning to picture it on his finger.

“I think it’s gorgeous Alex.  I think he’ll really like it.”

“Do you really think so?”  She’s gnawing on her bottom lip.  It’s always been difficult for her to make a decision about buying things.  Ask anyone who has waited for her to decide on her order in a restaurant.  This is such an important decision.  She needs to be sure.

“Yes, I do.  It’s beautiful, he’ll know you picked it just for him, and it has his favorite color in it…TARDIS blue.”  They both laugh.  Jen had been kind of insistent that the ring have blue in it ever since she told her the story of how she came upon the idea to redo Emma’s bedroom.  “Now go ahead and place the order.”

She does before she changes her mind again.  As soon as she hits the confirm button a wash of peace falls over her.  She takes that as a sign that she is doing the right thing.  The ring should be here in five to seven days so she makes plans to go to London right after that.  When she talks with Matt on the phone she carefully extracts what his plans are for the next few weeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	30. Will He Say Yes?

Now that he doesn’t feel like he has to avoid running into Emma’s mother he has been enjoying being in London again.  So he doesn’t have plans to head up to Northampton till the end of April, before he heads to America for filming. 

Ten days later she’s checking into a London hotel bouncing with excitement that she might finally be able to make right her relationship with Matt. 

She knows that today he has a full day planned with his sister Laura.  He has to take Emma to the pediatrician in the morning, then lunch with Laura, followed by ‘shopping so she can spoil her niece rotten’ as he told her.  She doesn’t expect him back until dinnertime or later.  That should give her plenty of time.

As they had gotten closer he had given her her key back to his place.  He wanted her to feel welcome anytime he told her.  She clutched it in her hand as she drug bags from Tesco and bags from home up his stairs.  When she opened the door she called out to him just to be sure he wasn’t there.  Silence.  She went to work to prepare his flat for when he came home. 

Everything seemed to be in its place.  She obsessively kept checking her outfit in the hallway mirror.  For the occasion she decided something brand new was necessary.  Now she’s wondering if its quite right.  It’s an off white dress gathered at the waist.  Below that is a series of layers that angle at the bottom to give it almost a pixie dress look.  When she tried it on she thought it seemed magical; now she worries it’s too young for her.  Before she can worry any more she hears the car pull into the drive.

Moving to the lounge she tries to calm her nerves.  She double checks that the ring is hiding behind the picture of Team TARDIS on his mantel, takes a deep breath, and prepares for the most important night of her life.

She hears him unlock the door while talking away to Emma.  “So Emma did you have a good time with Auntie Lor?  She sure bought you enough stuff.  I don’t know where were going to…… Alex!”  He stopped in his tracks as he caught sight of her standing before the mantle.  His arms were laden with Emma, a nappie bag, and bags from various stores.

She walked over to him.  “Hello darling.”  Leaning in she gave him a quick kiss on his surprised face.  She took Emma from his arms because quite frankly she was afraid he was going to drop her.  Emma seemed happy to see her latching onto a handful of curls immediately.

“Alex?”  He couldn’t seem to figure out what else to say so he just stared at her.

“Surprise!  I was sitting around LA when it dawned on me I didn’t need to be there anymore.  You, Salome, and Emma are all here so I decided to come back.  I hope that’s ok?”

When he finally connected the dots that she really was here in front of him he dropped the shopping bags and nappie bag at his feet so he could take her into his arms.  “That is more than alright.”  He kisses her again this time with more passion until he hears “Dada” and remembers that his daughter is also in her arms.  When he pulls back they both laugh but keep smiling at each other like there all alone.

Emma doesn’t like being ignored however and starts tugging onto Alex’s curls until she turns from Matt to give her some kisses as well.  “I can’t believe you’re here.”  His voice sounds so incredulous it reminds her that she hasn’t always been good to him.  She vows that from this day forward she will dedicate herself to surprising him and making him happy.

“Are you hungry?”  She asks.

“Um, yes actually.  Lor insisted on some place for lunch that only served salads.”  He makes a shiver as if it was the most vile food on the planet.

“Well why don’t you put your stuff up and get Ms. Emma changed and then we can eat.”  Her smile melts his heart.

He looks down at the bags at his feet starting to pick them up then looks over to Emma nestled in Alex’s arms.  “Um, would you mind bringing her into her room?  I seem to have run out of hands.”

She rolls her eyes at him.  “Of course you silly man.  Come on Emma.”  Upon entering her room she drops Emma into her crib where she bounces up and down against the rail.

As soon as her arms are empty he drops the bags again, turning her around and slotting himself firmly against her.  Surprised but happy Alex tightens her arms around him.  The scent of her hair fills him with a feeling of home.  Leaning back he looks in her eyes, a big smile on his face.  “So happy you’re here.”  His lips capture hers reigniting that passion that they only feel with one another.

When they part her hand is cupping his face, he leans into it just enjoying the sight of her so close.  It’s not until Emma starts to make noise that the moment is broken.  “You get Emma ready and I’ll go put dinner on the table.”  She leans in kissing him once more before she heads to the kitchen.  He watches her go enjoying the view of her arse.  He smiles remembering how he always enjoys that view.

When he comes back out she is placing their plates on the table.  From the hallway he admires her body.  The dress she is wearing emphasizes her tiny waist, shows off her muscular legs including glimpses of her thigh, from the angle she is bending over the table he has an excellent view of her cleavage.  She always stirs feelings within him.  To protect his own heart he has been trying to keep them mostly under control.  Looking at her right now he’s not sure how much longer he’s going to be able to hold out.

 She catches him ogling her and smirks at him.  “Don’t you look fetching there Kingston.  Is that a new frock?”

She twirls back and forth.  “You like?”  His smile told her he definitely did.  “Salome has been after me to get some new clothes.  You know I find I don’t mind shopping near as much when I don’t have a snippy teenager telling me how horrible all of my choices are.”  They both laugh.

Dinner is lovely.  It’s always been easy for them to fall into conversation.  They never seem to run out of things to say.  Of course conversation is now punctuated by mashed potatoes flying about and a little one demanding their attention as well.  Alex couldn’t be happier.

She watches as he puts Emma down for the night.  If she wasn’t already in love with him watching him with his daughter would have done it.  In her heart she always knew he would be a good father; she’s so glad he has gotten the chance to be one.  Without him seeing she slips away to finalize her last surprise.

When he closes Emma’s door he turns around to a candlelit room.  She has placed small candles throughout the lounge giving off a warm glow.  There’s a fire in the fireplace where she has placed in front of it layers of blankets and fluffy pillows.  She sits in the middle of it looking quite nervous rubbing her fingers with her thumbs.

She takes his breath away looking like a goddess among the glow of the fireplace and the candles.  How is he ever going to resist her tonight?  Maybe that’s her plan.  He can’t decide if the thought of her seducing him makes him happy or scared.  Why does Alex always make him so nervous?

“Darling would you like to join me?”  Waking him from his thoughts he moves to join her in front of the fire.  She looks as nervous as he feels.  Somehow that relaxes him a bit.  She hands him a flute of champagne.  “I know you don’t drink much these days but I thought we could share one glass at least.”  He nods, his fingers tracing over hers as he takes the glass from her hand.

“Should we toast?”  He asks.  “Are we celebrating something?” 

“I’d like to celebrate you and me. I never thought I’d be here with you again Matt and I am so incredibly grateful.”  He swallows around the deep knot in his throat.  God, he wants this woman.  If only he knew she wouldn’t leave him again.  If only……

He sips his champagne continuing to hold onto the glass mostly to keep his hands from wandering over to her.  She is so beautiful and he loves her and he’s missed her like you might miss a limb.  As he watches her he remembers her letters.  Her words, her intimate thoughts, things she would not normally say to him.  They had touched him deeply.  When he had read the first one he barely was able to read it through the tears.  It wasn’t just that she wrote to him; it was an acknowledgment to him for the first time that she had read his letters.  It was even possible that she still had them.  Now with her sitting right before him he wasn’t sure what to do. 

She drinks down half of the glass hoping it will help her say what is in her heart.  Words that she hopes might win his.  Reaching out she takes his hand not currently occupied by his glass.  Looking down at it she sees the strength that his hand has always shown her and also the gentleness that he has always used with her.  She can’t help but to stroke the skin gently with her fingertips.

“Matt I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about us.”  His eyes move slowly from the champagne glass to her, watching her carefully.  “I remember back when we first met.  From that first day I knew you were special.  It wasn’t until years later that I found out how special but I knew, even then.”  She turns his hand over fitting hers within it. 

“You always took care of me.  I never asked you to, you just did.  You brought me tea, rubbed my feet, held me when I cried about whatever the crisis of the week was with Salome.”  He smiles at that.  “How could I not have fallen in love with you?  And I did.  I’ve tried to figure out when exactly that was but I can’t really.  Maybe because I’ve always been in some form of love with you.”  His hand wraps around hers feeling her pulse with his long fingers. 

“The time that we spent loving each other, making love with each other, being with each other.  There is no other time in my life that can compare to it.”  He notices a tear trickling down her cheek.  “Then I ruined it.”  He starts to say something but she puts her finger to his lips.  “I hurt you and then I ran away like a coward.  I hid from you like you weren’t already imprinted on me.  Somehow I thought if I stayed away from you that it wouldn’t hurt so much but that was a lie too.  Because it hurt…every day.” 

Cradling his hand in hers she brings it to her lips kissing across his knuckles gently.  “When we ran into each other that day I think I felt my heart beating for the first time since I had left you.  You looked at me like you were so happy to see me.  I couldn’t understand why you didn’t hate me.  I hurt you and yet radiating from your eyes was only love.  I didn’t deserve it.”  He lifts his hand to her cheek brushing the tears away with his thumb.  She pulls his hand to her lips kissing his palm before cradling it to her chest.

“Since then we have been learning each other again, learning to trust, learning to believe in each other.  I know you still have your doubts about me.  I really don’t blame you.  But I want you to know I’m not going anywhere.  I’ve learned my lesson.  I can’t be without you.  You and I fit in a way I never expected and most people won’t understand but I don’t care about most people.  I only care about you.  I only care that you and I are together for always.”  She slides her hand beneath her skirt concealing the ring within her hand.

Holding his hand in hers she looks into his beautiful hazel eyes.  She slides her other hand on top of his.  “Matthew would you please do me the honor of marrying me?”  His eyes go wide as he stares at her in unexpected surprise.  As he does she slips the ring into his palm closing his fingers around it.  She seals it with a kiss.

He can feel the cool metal against his skin only vaguely registering it as a ring as his mind races with the idea that Alexandra Kingston just proposed to him.  He rises to his knees pulling her to him embracing her tightly.  He hopes that she won’t notice his tears if he hides in her hair.  He’s holding her but he hasn’t answered her and although she’s trying not to panic; it’s getting harder the longer he is silent.  Parting slightly he looks into her gorgeous green eyes leaning against her forehead.  Noticing the tears staining his cheeks she smiles at him wiping them away with her fingertips then kissing each as if it will ward of future tears.  His hand cups her face so that he can kiss her with a passion that he can no longer keep hidden.  He doesn’t want to hold back any longer.  If she is willing to go all in; he’s right beside her.

As they part she looks deep in his eyes hoping she understands the answer he is giving her.  “So is that a yes?”  Her voice straggled begging that it is a yes.

“Are you really serious?”  He asks gently.  He knows how hard marriage has been for her and that it hasn’t always meant the same for her as it does him.

“I don’t just get a ring for anyone?”  As if finally remembering that she had placed it in his hand he brings his hand between them.  She pried his fingers back to show him the ring.  Picking it up from his palm she holds it out to him between her fingers.  “Marry me?”

“Oh god yes!”  He crushes his lips against hers kissing her until they desperately need air. 

Placing both hands on either side of his face she has him look at her.  “Are you sure darling?”

“Yes, Alex I am.  I love you.  I’ve always loved you.  And I do trust you, more than you know.  I trust you with my daughter and I trust you with my heart.” 

“Then…”  Her hand reaches for his left bringing it between them.  “in that case let’s make it official.”  She slides the ring over his ring finger then brings his hand to her lips to brush over his knuckles.

He looks down at the ring on his finger trying to hold back the emotion.  “You really bought me a ring?”

“Why of course.  What kind of rubbish proposal would it have been without a ring?”  She laughs at him and he joins her.

Holding her close he speaks quietly into her ear.  “I think I would have said yes even without a ring.” 

“Yes but now I have a reminder every day that you did.  Just in case we both thought this was a dream.”

Gently he lays them back on the pillows their bodies tightly wound around the other.  “This is a dream.”  He tucks a curl behind her ear, something he always loved to do and has missed so much.  “I didn’t think we would ever have this again.  I was afraid to wish for it because it hurt too much thinking it might never happen.”

She kisses him gently.  “Hush.  We’re here now.  We need to let go of the past so we can build for our future.  I don’t mean forget.  I know neither of us will, but maybe that’s good.  We both know how much it hurt to be apart.  We won’t make that mistake again.”

Kissing her passionately he doesn’t ever want to be apart again, ever. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Their bodies slot into one another, her curves fitting against his lithe body as if they had been carved out of a jigsaw puzzle.  As he explores her mouth twining their tongues together she feels the press of his erection against her core.  Her hands slip under his shirt, the touch of his skin blazes against her fingertips.  She has wanted this, wanted him for so long.  And yet she feels herself pulling away from him, putting distance between their bodies.

The look of fear on his face nearly crushes her.  She leans back in to kiss him with a passion that is unmistakable before again putting distance between them.  “Darling, there’s something else I want to ask of you.”  She’s holding his hand tightly in hers hoping he knows she doesn’t want him to go far.

He looks tentatively at her through his bit of fringe worrying what it could be.  “I’m sure whatever it is the answer will be yes.”   He laughs trying to seem more light hearted than he feels.

She strokes down the side of his face so happy to be able to be this close to him.  Taking a deep breath she says quickly, “I think we should wait until we are married.”

At first his eyes register confusion as to what she is talking about then they grow wide as her meaning sinks in.  “Do you mean?”  His hands flail gesturing between them.

She tightens her hand around his.  “Yes, I think we should wait to be intimate.  We have after all waited this long.”

He’s not sure how he feels about this turn of events but he’s mostly confused.  “Ok, not understanding this.  You’re going to have to explain this to me.”

Pulling him a little closer she places a quick kiss onto his lips before talking.  “Matt when we were together before it was mostly an affair at least at the beginning.  This time I want it to be different.  Because this is definitely not an affair this is forever.  I think we need to be different so our relationship will be different, more permanent.  Does that make any sense?”

He’s watching their hands as they constantly move over one another’s.  He pulls her hand to his lips tasting the tips of her fingertips.  “I think I understand.  I do want this to be different yet in a lot of ways I want that us back too.  I mean I know we’re different, I’m different but I want us to still be able to love each other freely as we did before.

“Do you think getting married would change that about us?” She’s watching him intently.  God when did the square of his jaw become so sexy?

“No.  I’m just not sure I can wait any longer.”  His hand traces down her arm then down her side.  She giggles.  “You weren’t wanting a big elaborate wedding that takes months and months to plan do you?”

“No, something simple ……it can even be just you and me.”

He leaps on her his arms snaking around her back, “Oh thank god!”  He’s peppering her face with kisses.  “How about tomorrow?  Can we get married tomorrow?”

She laughs a full body laugh at him.  “Oh darling you are so ridiculous!”

He stops to look at her with such desire in his eyes.    “No, I was actually serious?  Do you want to get married tomorrow?”

She blinks at him because she can see that he _really_ is serious.  “Matt we can’t get married tomorrow.  Its Sunday remember?  Besides we have to get a marriage license and make some arrangements for Emma.”

He looks a little disappointed.  “Ok, so not tomorrow but soon.”  He kisses her again their tongues mapping each other.  _Soon._

Nearly breathless as they part she squeaks, “How about next weekend?  Do you think we could get everything done by then?”

A grin breaks out on his face as he assaults her with kisses once more.  “Absolutely.  Positively.”

They stay in each other’s arms kissing, tracing their fingertips over each other’s skin but carefully not crossing that invisible line.  They want this new beginning, to do things right from the start.  It feels right.  They fall asleep in front of the fire holding each other until Emma’s cries wake them up.  As he goes to tend to Emma she blows out the rest of the candles and folds the blankets.  When he returns he is disappointed to see that she has cleaned up.  “I should be going.”  She tells him.  “It’s late.”

In two strides he has her wrapped in his arms, “No, you should definitely not go.”  His forehead presses against hers.  “Ever again.”  She smiles and lets him lead her back to his bedroom.  He gives her one of his tshirts to sleep in and he puts on joggers with a tshirt.  He cradles her in his arms as they fall back to sleep both with a smile on their lips.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	31. Wedding Plans

Over breakfast they have a lively discussion about wedding plans.  They realize that they probably shouldn’t get a marriage license in London or it will be in the papers before end of day.  It’s not that they plan to keep it a secret but they haven’t told their families yet and they are quite looking forward to that.

Matt suggests a quaint village not far from Northampton where his friend Harry now resides.  It’s small he explains and they can most likely be reasoned with to keep it quiet.  Harry can be his best man and it will be close by his mum for her to watch Emma.  She loves the idea.  They will need to drive up there the next day to apply for the license so it will be ready by Friday.

She informs him that Jen will be her maid of honor.  Maybe someday she will tell him how much they owe Jen for them getting back together.  A little worried she asks, “Do you think Karen and Arthur will forgive us?”

“For not having them stand up for us?”  She nods.  “Oh….eventually.”  They laugh.  “But we can always invite them to the party.”

She scrunches her face at him, “What party?”

Wrapping his arms around her, “Why the party we are going to have the next weekend to announce to everyone were married!”

She immediately gets nervous.  Its one thing for them to be married but quite another to tell family, friends, and the public.  Particularly she worries about his mum’s reaction.

The smile drops from his face and he takes a step back.  “Do you not want anyone to know?”

Realizing he has misinterpreted her reaction she tries to quickly ease his concerns.   “No darling that’s not it at all.  Of course I want to tell everyone.”  She pulls her bottom lip with her teeth.

“But?”  He hedges.

“But not everyone is going to be happy for us, particularly your mum.”

He pulls her close again burying his face in her curls.  “No one else matters, remember….just us.”

She snorts.  “No fair using my words against me.”

“It’s fair when it’s true.”  He pulls back to peer in her eyes.  “It may take some folks a little while to warm up to the idea but they will cause there going to see how much we love each other.  But I meant what I said no one else matters just us.”  They held each other a long while just because they could.

He insisted that she move her stuff from the hotel.  “There’s no point in you paying for a hotel room when you will be here all the time anyways.”  She didn’t really have much of an argument for that so later that day he helped her gather her stuff and check out of the hotel.

While he was giving Emma her bath she went into his (their) bedroom to call Jen.  She was ecstatic for them.  Somehow Alex knew she was going to be insufferable for the foreseeable future with her “I told you so’s.”  She smiled knowing that she would allow her friend the right to gloat as she might never have gotten Matt back without her advice.  Jen insisted that she needed to get a dress for the occasion.  “Honestly Jen it’s just a registry office there’s no need to make a fuss.”

Jen would hear none of it.  “Alex this is the day you are marrying the love of your life.  It’s special…..make it special.  Besides you can also wear it at that party you’re throwing the following week.”  She agreed.  Due to her own commitments Jen wouldn’t be able to meet up with her until Thursday.  Before saying goodbye Jen had convinced her that they would make a day of it:  find a dress, get a massage, have a manicure/pedicure.  Just a day of pampering.  Her wedding day was starting to feel special even without all the elaborate trappings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the drive back from applying for their license Matt couldn’t help to feel his engagement ring every time he took her hand or change gears.  He kept looking over at Alex’s hands thinking she too should have a ring.  As their cruising down the M1 he announces, “You need an engagement ring.”

Awoken from her daydreaming she exclaims, “What?”

“An engagement ring.  You need an engagement ring Kingston.”  He glances in her direction for a moment before putting his eyes back on the road.

She takes his hand in hers rubbing his ring back and forth on his finger.  “Sweetie, I don’t need an engagement ring.  I never had one before; it’s not necessary.”

“Wait, you never had one before?”  He steals another look in her direction.

“No I didn’t.”  She sounds quiet, resigned.

He pulls her hand to his lips placing a kiss there.  “Then you absolutely need an engagement ring.  What kind of rubbish proposals were they without a ring?”  He mocks.

She chuckles remembering her words from the other night.  “The kind of rubbish proposals that turn into rubbish marriages.”

“Exactly!  So we definitely don’t want that!”  His excitement seems to be building as the idea unfolds.

She chuckles at him resting her head against his shoulder.  ‘How did she ever resist this man for so long?  Idiot!’

“So last question do you want me to pick it out or pick it out together?”  He sneaks a kiss to the top of her head.

“Together.”  She breathes.

He squeezes her hand pressing his own ring into her skin.  “Together.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After breakfast Alex volunteers to get Emma dressed for the day.  He decides to do a little research on jewelry stores in the area.  Again he knows if he and Alex show up at Tiffany’s or another large jewelry story they’ll be outed by nightfall.  He finds some small family owned jewelers in neighboring boroughs that can probably be convinced to keep quiet.

With Emma dressed and ready they head out with a promise to Emma of a stop at the park if she’s good.  The first stop they make is a tiny jeweler.  The elderly man has been running the shop for the past 46 years and seems to know his way around.  Alex had decided that she wanted her ring to have similarities to Matt’s.  The owner brought out several trays of rings with sapphires and diamonds.  Although she often wears ridiculously big and over the top rings she wanted this one to be understated. 

Matt watched her intensely as she tried on ring after ring occasionally asking what he thought.  The gentleman had her place the ones she liked the best on a separate tray.  She had narrowed it down to five but couldn’t quite seem to make a final decision.  That’s when Matt took over.  “Ok, Kingston I think I’ve got it from here.”

She turned to him looking confused.  “What are you talking about?”

“Look we all know you can’t make a decision on a breakfast menu with more than ten items.  I’m sure this gentleman would like us to decide before he’s ready to retire.”  She chuckles at him.  “So I think this is the part where I get to decide.”

She fixes him with a piercing stare.  “Ok, oh wise one.  Which one then?”

“Uh uh uh, not going to tell ya.  Now why don’t you take Emma down to the toy store we passed on the way here and I will meet up with you there.”  He bops her on her nose to emphasis his point.

“Seriously?  You’re not going to tell me?”

He takes her hand in his rubbing his finger over her ring finger.  “For a very long time I have thought what it would be like to pick out a ring for you and present it to you.  I’d really like to have that moment.”

She could feel the prick of tears in her eyes.  ‘Oh this beautiful man!’  Reaching up on her tiptoes she kisses him forgetting all about Emma in his arms and the elderly gentleman to their left.  As their lips part she whispers, “I love you” to him.  He nods in agreement.

Taking Emma from his arms she says, “Well Emma let’s let Daddy finish his shopping while we go see what we can find at the toy shop, ok?”  Emma smiles at her.  Alex gives him a wink before she heads out the door and down the street.

As soon as she’s gone he pulls out the ring he’s chosen.  He has studied Alex long enough to know which one she wanted.  She would just never admit she was worth it.  He knew she was worth that and more.  While she had been looking at rings he had perused the other items in the case.  Next week is also Alex’s birthday, although he thinks it may actually have slipped her mind.  He found the perfect gift if they can just make one alteration.  The jeweler assures him that they can and both items will be ready for pickup on Thursday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	32. Will She Say Yes?

Her and Jen make a day of it managing to find a dress after only three shops.  They enjoy a leisurely lunch followed by massages and mani/pedis.  It’s been ages since the two of them have had any real time to spend with each other.  Just one more gift loving Matt has given her.

When she arrived back at the flat Matt and Emma were happy to see her.  Although he tried to get a sneak peek at her dress she reminded him that would be bad luck and she wasn’t taking any chances.  After dinner he asks, “Why don’t you put Emma to bed tonight?  She’s missed her Alex today.”  She chokes up a bit at that.  She loves Emma as if she was her own but they’ve never really talked about who she was to her.  She thinks ‘I suppose tomorrow I’m her step-mum.’  She smiles at that thought.  Salome is the light of her life but to get the opportunity to raise another child, especially with Matt; it fills her heart so full she could burst.  Never did she think they could have this. 

She takes her from his arms giving him a grateful kiss.  He gives her a concerned look when it looks like she is going to burst into tears but she waves him away.  “Come on Ms. Emma let’s get you ready for night-night.”  Resting against her shoulder the sleepy child latches on to a handful of curls and Alex smiles.

Matt must have worn her out today because it didn’t take long to get her settled.  Still she stood there watching over the child for she’s not sure how long counting all the blessings currently in her life.  Wiping her eyes she kisses Emma goodnight one more time before heading back to the lounge.

When she comes out she can see that he has transformed the lounge into the duplicate of the night she proposed.  There are candles in various locations around the room, a fire in the fireplace, and soft blankets and pillows on the floor.  He is standing there, well no actually kneeling on one knee in his dark blue suit with an enormous grin on his face.  She is already overwhelmed at the sight of him smiling like an idiot at him.

Coming before him she kneels and he takes her hand.  “Kingston the other night you got to have your say.  Now it’s my turn.”  She smiles at him.  “From the very moment I laid eyes on you you had captured my heart.  It’s probably why I was always such a bumbling idiot around you.”  She snorts.  “Hey not nice.  I’m trying to be heartfelt here.”  She mouths ‘sorry’. 

“It took me awhile to figure out why my palms would sweat and my brain stopped working whenever you came near me.  But when I did I never wanted to be far from you again.  When we finally got together it was the most wonderful time of my life.  I truly felt whole for the first time.  When we were apart I didn’t know how to be for a long time.  Then I tried to move on but I know now I was just going through the motions.  It never felt right. _I_ never felt right.  That day I ran into you at the airport, well _actually_ you ran into me.”  She giggles. “You said I looked happy to you.  That’s because I was.  You were standing in front of me smiling at me and everything was right in my world again.” 

He puts his knee down so they are both kneeling and brings his arms around her pulling her close.  “These past ten months have been filled with some of the most difficult and wonderful times.  Through all of it you were by my side holding my hand and reminding me every single day that you weren’t going anywhere.”  She couldn’t stop the tears if she wanted to.  “As much as I hated being separated from you for those four years they were also a gift in a strange way.  We learned what being away from each other feels like and I believe we will do whatever it takes to make sure it never happens again.”

From his pocket he retrieves the ring holding it before her, “So Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston will you marry me and stay by my side forever?”

She launches herself at him nearly toppling him over tightening her arms around his shoulders.  Through the tears she whispered into his ear, “Yes.”

He pulled her tighter to his chest resting his chin on her shoulder breathing her in.  It’s not like he didn’t know what her answer would be but still this was an important moment for the two of them.  They had both bared their heart to the other.  It makes you quite vulnerable and yet he knows in this moment that he can trust her …..trust her with everything.

Untangling his arms from around her he looks in her eyes as they look back on him with such love.  He wipes away the tears and with his hands cupping her face he kissed her with a passion that he had held inside for the past four years and ten months.

When they part he realizes he’s still holding her ring in his fingers.  “Sweetheart, your hand please.”  Holding her hand in his he slips the ring on before pressing his lips to her knuckles.  “I hope it’s the one you wanted.”

She looks at the diamond and sapphire ring sparkling on her finger.  “Oh Matt, how did you know?  But it was too extravagant.”

“No, it wasn’t.”  He said firmly.  “It was perfect just for you.  And I knew because I know you Alex.”  He tilts her head up to look in his eyes.  “I always have.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never figured out how to include pictures within the story here on AO3 so here are the links if you wish to see the rings they picked out.  
> Alex’s ring  
> https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQBLUq3OZ9jKZvAmtgratde72awAn-3M_2-s8CnOTZuNXibmKHxBg  
> https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRNj2rRC-W7D7el9EpEyleJ9fttP0N6O_hdI3jOO9RND4hlWNwTXQ  
> Matt’s Ring  
> http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foreli.com%2Fassets%2Fimages%2Faugust20057stone21.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foreli.com%2F14K-Mens-Sapphire-and-Diamond-Ring-_p_793.html&h=304&w=450&tbnid=2hpHcy3d33JuxM%3A&zoom=1&docid=peQWwy43Uq3OvM&ei=lO5GVOb7IZP3yQTciYHoAw&tbm=isch&ved=0CBwQMygAMAA&iact=rc&uact=3&dur=687&page=1&start=0&ndsp=16


	33. Wedding Day

He wakes to his human alarm clock talking animatedly through the baby monitor.  As he listens to the sounds of his daughter his hands coast over Alex’s skin.  He can hardly believe that he has been waking up to Alex beside him this past week.  It has been the most wonderful and most torturous week of his life.  He’s glad they waited though.  It makes today even more significant to them.  After today there won’t be anything to stop him from making love to her again and again.  “Dada Dada Dada.”  Well except that.  He carefully slipped out of the covers to not wake her.

But she wasn’t asleep; hadn’t been since his hand first touched her.  She laid there listening to him greet his daughter, changing her from her nighttime nappie, then go to the kitchen to prepare her breakfast.  ‘They’re getting married today!’  She can hardly believe that it is really happening.  ‘Today they’re becoming a family!”  They still haven’t discussed Emma and she keeps wondering if they should before they say their ‘I dos’.  She looks over at the clock.  There’s not much time for a discussion now she needs to get ready before Jen gets here. 

She’s nearly ready when she hears the doorbell.  “Tell her I’m almost ready.”  She pops her head out of the room to tell him while he’s on his way to the front door.

As he’s approaching the door he’s trying to remember the last time he saw Jen.  ‘It must be what five or six years.’  Opening the door she doesn’t look any different, still bright and bubbly as ever.  Alex claims she’s only that way around him but he can’t be sure.  “Jen!  How are you?”  He folds her into a hug Emma getting squashed between them.

“Oh Matt I am so excited for you two.”  Her eyes go immediately to Emma.  “And who’s this cutie?”

“This is Emma.  Emma this is Jen, Alex’s best friend.  You be nice to her.”

“Oh Matt, she is precious.”  She looks him over.  He’s still rumpled from sleep and hasn’t yet had his shower.  “I can see you as a dad.  From what I hear you’re a pretty good one too.” 

He blushes.  “Well, she makes it easy.  Alex said she’s almost ready.  Can I get you a cuppa?”

“Yes, that would be lovely.  Thank you.”

When Alex comes out ten minutes later he and Jen are in a deep discussion about the lack of defense the Rovers are showing this season.  She’d forgotten that Jen was a dedicated football fan.  No wonder those two always got along so well.  “Well I’m ready, finally!”  She announces.

Jen squeals rushing over to squash her friend in a hug.  “I can’t believe you’re actually getting married today!”  She whispers for Alex only, “and to someone I actually like!”  Alex chuckles.  ‘Yes that’s Jen – subtle!’

Matt comes over to them to say his goodbyes but she surprises him by plucking Emma from his arms.  “Darling go get your shower.  We have time, then you won’t have to be bothered with Emma while you’re doing all that.”

“You sure?”  He asks.

“Yes, absolutely.  You’re still going to have to stop in Northampton so there’s no sense us leaving now anyways.

“Thank you.”  He gives her a quick kiss before heading in the direction of the shower.

“Oh you guys are too cute.  This is going to be nauseating for a while isn’t it?” 

Alex swats at her friend.  “Just remember it’s all you’re doing!”

“And don’t you forget it!!”  Jen crows.  “Now how about you show me this bedroom I heard so much about.”  Alex leads her into Emma’s room showing her the murals on the walls, the TARDIS closet, and the Gallifreyan writing.  She explained that at night the ceiling shown stars and planets against the Medusa Cascade.  “Oh Alex this is fabulous.  Your description did not do it justice.” 

“Yes, Salome did a fantastic job coordinating all of this for me.  I don’t know what I would have done without her.”  Alex picked out an outfit for Emma to wear for today from her TARDIS closet.

“How’s she doing at uni?”

“She’s doing well.  The first term was an adjustment meeting all the new students, and learning the British way of doing things.  She seems to be doing much better this term.”

“And Matt?  How is she doing with the two of you?”

She’d already put Emma’s pajamas in the hamper and changed her nappie.  Now she was working on wrestling her into her outfit.  “Oh she loves Matt.  They get along great, always have.  But I haven’t told her yet that were getting married.”

Jen whips around to look at her.  “What?  You haven’t?  Why not?”  She comes over to stand next to Alex waiting for an answer.

“Well because we wanted to keep things simple just you and Harry.  If I told Salome, she’d want to be there.”  She’s worrying her bottom lip that she may not have done the right thing.  Peering to her left she tries to read Jen’s face.  “Do you think I was wrong?”

In one of those rare instances Jen doesn’t seem to have an answer.  “I don’t know.  She might be fine with it but then she might be mad as hell.  It’s hard to know.”

“Oh crap I forgot about teenage hormones!  Oh shit I’m doomed!”  She holds her head in her hands while Emma takes the opportunity to pull herself out of the leggings she just put her in.

Jen pats her on the back trying to calm her down.  “Look what’s done is done.  Maybe if you tell her before everyone else she’ll be ok with it.”

She nods at Jen, “Yeah that might be a good idea.”  Looking down at Emma she realizes she had managed to get the tights all the way off while she had her back turned.  “Emma what are you doing?  You rascal.  At this rate we’ll never get you dressed.”  Jen moved over to the interior TARDIS mural taking in the details.

When they emerged from Emma’s room with a properly dressed child, Matt was showered, shaved and wearing jeans and a tshirt.  He was packing Emma’s bag with bottles, baby food, and snacks.  “Well, let me go get my bags Jen and we can be off.” 

She started to walk towards Matt to give him Emma but Jen plucked her from her arms instead.  She immediately looked to Matt to see if he was ok with this.  He nodded and she sighed in relief.  Jen completely missed the whole exchange.

As soon as Alex left the room Matt came over to whisper something in Jen’s ear.  Her eyes lit up.  “Of course I can.”  She smirked.  “I knew I was right about you.”

Just then Alex came back into the room wheeling her suitcase behind her.  “Ok Jen, give it a rest.  We know.  You were right!”

“Oh no Alexandra Kingston.  I have bragging rights for life!”  She passed Emma back to Matt then grabbed Alex’s bags.  “Now say goodbye to the fiancé so we can go get you married.”  She giggled after her friend.

He put his arms around her slotting himself against her.  Her eyes were sparkling as she looked up to him.  Leaning in he kisses her softly, “I’m going to miss you.”  He presses his cheek against hers.

“Oh you silly man, it will only be a few hours.”  She teased stroking her fingertips against his chest.

He lifted his head to look at her.  “Then will be married.”  He grinned at her.

“Then we’ll be married.”  She kisses him this time wanting him to know she’s so happy at this moment.  Brushing her lipstick from his lips she pulls away.  “We best be going.”

He looks over to the clock on the microwave.  “Yeah I better get a move on.  I hope my mum doesn’t keep me long with questions.  I have a feeling my bride might be a little upset with me if I were late.”

She stops them as their walking towards the door.  “Matt you do what you need to do I’ll still be there no matter how long I have to wait.” 

He kisses her hard full on.  “Alex I can’t wait to marry you.  I’ll be there…on time!”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

She turns to Emma.  “And we both love you.  Now you be good for your grandmum.  I’ll see you in a few days.”  She kisses her on the temple and one more kiss for him.  “I’ll see you soon darling.” 

He watched as she and Jen drove off then immediately put it into gear.  Now that he had added another stop on his journey he was going to be cutting it close.  He fired off a text to Salome: 

_Salome Haertel get your coat!  Xxoo_ As a dedicated Who fan he knew she’d get the reference.

Additionally he sent:  _And bring a dress!!  Xxoo_

He knew he would have some explaining to do when he picked her up but it was a three hour drive to Northampton.  Surely she couldn’t be mad at him for the entire trip….hopefully, possibly.  He tried to only think positive thoughts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She currently wasn’t speaking to him.  That at least was slightly better than the first hour when she was yelling at him.  Every few minutes he looks to his left looking for an opportunity to break the silence.  They only have another hour before they reach Northampton and he is hoping beyond hope that this wasn’t the worst idea in the world.  If Salome objects to them getting married Alex will surely call things off.  He tries to focus on the road ahead as she stares out the window, only Emma’s quiet snoring from the backseat can be heard.

“You know …..it’s not that I don’t want you to marry my mum?”  He is startled from his concentration by the suddenness of sound.  It takes him a moment to reprocess what she said before he can reply.

“It’s not?”  He looks in her direction.

She turns back to him.  “No, it’s not!”

He smiles at her and she finds herself smiling back.  “So then what is this about poppet?”

She really should hate that he still calls her poppet like she’s a little girl but she can’t help it that it brings a smile to her face.  “Before when you and mum dated you never told me.  Ok, I was a little kid so maybe that was why but now I’m an adult.”  He tried to hide the smile threatening on his lips.  “Why didn’t you guys tell me you were dating?”

“Honestly?”

“Yes!”  As if it was the most obvious answer in the world.

“Because we weren’t.”  It’s the most honest answer he can give her.  They hadn’t really been dating.  Yes, it had become more familiar as friends but both were so afraid to put their heart out there again that it really hadn’t progressed to true dating.

“You weren’t?  But now you’re getting married?  You’re not making any sense!”  She exclaimed exasperated with him.

He takes a deep breath trying to figure out how to explain this.  “Salome I’ve loved your mum since practically the day I met her.  It took her quite a bit longer to get there.  When we dated before I thought we would be together forever.  Because I was so young and because your mum had begun to believe that all relationships end she didn’t think we would be together forever.  When she thought I was getting too serious she broke things off between us.”  He looked in her direction to see if this was too much.  She was quiet but seemed to be waiting for him to continue.

“For four years we never spoke to each other.  I was convinced that we would most likely never see one another again.  Then we did!”  He was getting a bit more excited and had to remind himself that he was driving.  “We were both so very happy to see one another again but our hearts had been hurting for so long.   It’s taken us a long time to trust _each other_ with our hearts.”

“And do you?  Trust each other again?”

“Yeah, we do.”  He wanted to tell her about the sweet gestures she had been doing for him, as well as the love letters but they were private a secret just for him.

She resumed looking out the window at the passing scenery for a long time.  “How did you know Matty?  How did you know you could trust her with your heart?”

His face filled with a grin, “Because she proposed to me!”

Her head whipped from the window to stare wide eyed at him.  “She what?”

“Yep, even had a ring.”  He wiggled his hand at her so she could see the diamond/sapphire band on his finger.

She grasped his hand to look at it closer.  “Oh my god Matty!  I can’t believe…..my mum?”

“I know.”

“She said she’d sworn off marriage after my dad.”

“I know.  Believe me no one was more surprised than I.”

Still holding his hand she studies his face.  “Is that why you’re in such a hurry Matty?  Are you afraid she’s going to change her mind again?”

Damn!  She’s good.

“Um, no….not really….um…..maybe.”  He mumbles.

She wraps both her hands around his.  “Cause she won’t you know?”  He quickly glances at her to see the seriousness on her face.  “She’s not going to change her mind this time.  She was so sad before.  When she first came back from the UK, I guess now that was when the two of you broke up, she was so terribly sad.  I would catch her crying when she didn’t think I was around.  She hardly left the house for months except when she had to, for work.  She seemed to get better, started doing more but the sadness was always there.  I never understood it back then but looking back now I realize that she had never gotten over you.” 

She releases his hand as he needs to change gears as they get off their exit.  “But from the day she ran into you at the airport it’s like a light has been rekindled inside her.  She has been so happy.  I don’t think she would ever willingly give that up again.”

He’s keeping his eyes straight ahead in the hopes she doesn’t see how watery they have become.  Reluctantly he stops the car on a side street.  Scrubbing the tears from his face he turns in his seat to face her.  “So I suppose I should have asked this before but know it still matters.  Would it be ok with you if I married your mum?”

Her face beams at him.  “Of course it is!”  She launches herself at him wrapping her arms around his shoulders.  “And Matty thanks for making sure I could be there when it happens.”  He pulls her even tighter letting a few more tears spill into her curls, hoping she doesn’t notice.

When they’re composed, they settle back into their seats.  “Um, so poppet I’m going to need you to do one more thing for me.”

“What’s that?”  She looks at him curiously.

“Hide!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Emma dropped off with her grandparents they are almost there.  Salome grumbled the entire time about having to ‘hide’ from his mum.  He pulls out his mobile to call Alex, motioning to Salome to be silent.  It takes three rings before she can find her purse in the room hidden under a jumper.  “Hello Darling!”  She purrs.

“Hello Sweetheart!  Thought I should check to see if you were still up for getting married today?”

“Well I don’t know.  What are my options?”  She teases.

“Infuriating woman….I’ll give you options!”  He teases back.

With a voice that sounded like velvet, “Ooh, that sounds promising!”  

Good god how does this woman get him so hot and bothered with just the sound of her voice?  Glancing at Salome he suppresses many of the thoughts that were going through his mind at that moment.  “Um, look you forgot something that you’re going to need.  I brought it with me.”  He winks at Salome.

“But darling you can’t see me now.  I’m nearly ready.  It’s bad luck.”

“Yes, well probably, no definitely best not tempt fate with that then.  How about you send Jen down and I can pass it on to her?”  He catches Salome trying to suppress a giggle.

“Ok darling that sounds like a good idea.”  Covering the phone she asks Jen to meet Matt downstairs.  “Matt?”

“Yes?”

“I can’t wait to marry you!”

“Me neither.  I love you.”

“I love you.  See you soon.”

He hangs up just in time for Jen to pop out of the Inn squealing when she sees Salome.  Grabbing Salome’s bag from the boot he hands it off to Jen.  Salome surprises him by grabbing him around the neck pulling him into a big hug.  “I really am happy that you and my mum are getting married.  I can’t wait to have you as my step-dad!”  She bounces off with Jen back inside the Inn.

Matt stands there on the pavement trying to process the realization that he is going to be her step-dad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Alex hears the door open behind her.  “So what did I forget that was so important?”  She asks thinking that it’s Jen.

“Me!”

She spins around to see her daughter standing before her.  “Salome!”  Shock registers on her face as she tries to sputter her next words.

Salome steps over to her enveloping her in her arms.  “Very articulate mum.”  She chides. 

When she pulls back she sees tears in her mum’s eyes.  “I’m so glad you’re here.”  She finally is able to say.

“Yes, well don’t think you’re off the hook for not telling me about this beforehand.”  She fixes her with a reproachful look.  “But we can have that conversation another time.  For now we have a wedding to get ready for.”  Her mum nods at her so thankful that she is there with her.  Just one more reason to be grateful for Matt being in her life.

Jen comes bustling back into the room.  “Ok, so is all the crying out of the way yet?  We have a wedding to get to!”  They all laugh as they get each other ready.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	34. My Best Mate

By the time he gets to Harry’s he is running really late.  He leaps up the stairs to his flat two at a time with his suit bag in one hand and his travel bag in the other.  Waiting for Harry to answer his knocks he can’t stop from rocking back and forth on his heels.  “Well it’s about time you got here mate!”  Harry roars as he opens the door.  Seeing his old friend calms him a bit as they greet each other.  “I thought you were going to be here an hour ago,” He says as he shuts the door.

“Yeah, me too!  I had to drop Emma by mum’s and she had a million questions as to what I was up to this weekend.  Honestly, I felt like I was sixteen and still living at home.”  Harry snorted.  “Then I had to get Salome round to where Alex and Jen are getting ready.”  He looks at his watch nervously.

“Breathe mate.  We still have plenty of time.  How about a beer?”  There was no sense saying no as Harry had already gone to fetch him one.  When he returned he passed it to Matt.  “To the end of the single life!”  Harry toasted and they clanked beer bottles.

He took a deep drink.  It felt good against his parched throat.  He could feel himself calming down being with Harry, having an ale like the old days.  After a few more sips he jumped back up.  “I probably should get into the shower.”

“Yeah, we don’t want to keep her waiting although …….maybe you should.”  Harry had been a strong supporter of him and Alex when they had first gotten together years ago.  So when she ended things the way she did he took it a bit personally.  Not to mention it was him, Arthur, and Karen that were left with the monumental task of putting him back together. 

“Harry I thought we’d already been over this.  I‘ve forgiven her.  We’ve moved on.”

“Just because you have mate, doesn’t mean the rest of us have.”  He gives Matt a look showing he’s still skeptical when it comes to Alex.

“Harry!?”  He cautioned.

“What?  I think you’ve forgotten what she did to you last time, mate.  Do you really want to go through that again?”  Harry looks at his friend wondering if he isn’t blindly setting himself up for heartbreak _again_.

Matt falls back in the lounge chair obviously reliving one of the most painful times in his life.  He looks to Harry.  “Harry that’s not going to happen this time.”

“How do you know that?”  He questioned.

 As he looks at his friend his face transforms into that besotted idiot from long ago.  “Because she’s in this as much as I am.  She wants this as much as I do.”

Skeptical he asks, “How can you be so sure?”

“Because she asked me!”  He beams.

“Asked you what?”

“To marry her!”

Harry sputters looking incredulously at him.  “She proposed to you??”

“Yeah, with a ring and everything.”  He raised his hand next to his face showing off the ring he wore proudly on his left hand.

Staring at him Harry wasn’t sure what to say next so he sat down.  “Well then, maybe she is finally ready.”  He said under his breath.

While Harry contemplated his changing opinion of Alex, Matt hopped up to go get his shower.  While he appreciates his friend’s caution on his behalf; he was sure of Alex this time and that is all that really mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	35. Vows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .......and now the chapter you have all been waiting for ....................or is that the next one??

Harry pulled up to the neo-gothic style building that held the registrar’s office allowing Matt to go inside while he parked the car.  As Harry was walking up to the entrance Jen pulled up with Alex in the passenger seat.  Recognizing them he waited for Alex to exit the car while Jen found a place to park.

“Harry!”  She squealed when she saw him pulling him into a tight hug.  As he greets her he is trying to assess whether she really has changed and that she is not going to break his mate’s heart again.  She must sense his hesitancy to accept her.  When she pulls back she looks him straight in the eyes.  “Harry, I know I was wrong before.  I know I hurt him.  But I also know that I love him more than anything else on this Earth, besides my daughter.  I know you have no reason to trust me and I accept that.  But I am going to tell you this anyways:  I am not going anywhere ever again unless he is by my side.  I know what it is to live without him and I never want to feel that again.”

Harry nods a bit surprised by her declaration.  “He loves you Alex.”

“And I love him.”  She stands before him, her posture strong letting him know she is sure, she is ready.

“Well then, let’s get you two married.”  He finally says.

Relieved, she pulls him into another hug.  “Thank you.”  She tells him from below the mass of curls in his face.  When she pulls back she continues, “For this……and for taking care of him when I didn’t.”  There are pricks of tears forming in her eyes just as Jen bounces into them.

“So?  Are we ready for a wedding or are we just going to stand around out here and freeze our arses off?”  Jen bellowed.  You had to love Jen.  She had most likely observed the tense situation and devised the exact words to diffuse it. 

Alex smiles a grateful smile at Jen.  “Harry this is my best friend, Jen and my daughter Salome.  Salome, Jen, this is Matt’s best friend Harry.”  In the few seconds that it takes them to shake hands they size each other up recognizing in each other the fierce loyalty to their friend.  Coming to the conclusion that both think the other is ready the tension in the situation relaxes.

“So let me go in ahead and make sure the coast is clear of future husbands.”  Harry announces as he passes them to enter the building.  Jen looks Alex over.  She looks a little shaken but not stirred from her conviction to marry Matt after her encounter with Harry.  Before Jen says anything Harry pops his head back out the door, “All clear!”

Harry holds the door open for the ladies as they pass through the doors of this ancient building on their way to the registrar’s office.  He explains to Alex that Matt is meeting with the registrar at this moment, and then it will be her turn.  “I will see you ladies later.”  He bows slightly perhaps trying to get a laugh and make up for any unhappy moments he may have caused earlier.

It isn’t long before Alex is called to the registrar’s office.  After she produces proof of her birth, her name, and her divorces, and evidence that she is free to marry; he has her sign the registry book.  Jen signs beneath her as her witness.  She smiles as she sees Matt’s name written beside hers knowing that after today they will always be side by side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the ceremony room Matt is nervously bouncing on his feet.  Harry tries to calm him down with words, “Relax mate, she’s here.  I saw her.”  When that doesn’t work he clicks a button in his pocket.  Soothing music begins to emanate from his jacket pocket.  Obviously he stashed his iPod in there attached to a speaker.  As the music plays Matt turns to him with a “What the hell?” look on his face.  Blushing, Harry explains, “I thought you might be nervous and need to calm down.”

“Ok, but Enya???”  Harry sheepishly turns it off.

The registrar enters through the side door and lets them know they are ready to begin.  Harry presses his iPod again this time there is a beautiful classical piano instrumental of “Here Comes the Bride.”  The back doors open.  Salome enters first giving Matt a thumbs up behind the single rose she carried.  When she nears him he embraces her fiercely before giving her a kiss on her cheek.  She then takes her place.  Jen glides through looking splendid in the pale green dress Alex insisted looked fabulous on her.  She takes her place opposite Matt giving him a little wink.  Matt smirks.  He’s always known that Jen had a soft spot for him.  The slight gasp behind him alerts him to look back at the doors where Alex is standing, smiling and looking at only him.

She takes his breath away.  The dress perfectly fits to her curves. The ecru dress falls slightly below her knee in the front yet is longer in the back.  The underlay is plain but the see-through sheath over it is embellished with gray embroidery and a touch of crystals. Across her chest and down her arms only the sheath can be seen showing off her golden colored skin beneath.  In her hand is a small bouquet of roses in an assortment of colors.  He smiles at that.  ‘I bet she couldn’t decide on one and got one of each.’  He muses.  Of course that is just what happened.

She is so beautiful.  Her golden skin glows against her pale dress and the smile radiating from her face lit up the entire room.  He couldn’t keep his eyes off of her as she glided down the short aisle.

As she stands there in the doorway she is nearly overwhelmed by the sight of him….waiting….for her….at the end of an aisle……to get married.  In those long lonely years they were apart she never thought they would ever be able to have this.  Now look at him.  He stands there looking so incredibly handsome in his pale gray suit. 

She remembers the first time she saw him in it.  She hadn’t meant to, was avoiding all things Matt Smith at the time, but there he was on Ferguson smiling back at her when she had been changing channels one late night.  She couldn’t turn away.  He looked so gorgeous but even though he laughed for the audience she could see the hurt in his eyes.  Searching his eyes now there is no trace of that pain, she sees only love. 

Her eyes focused only on him she proceeds down the short aisle allowing the music to transport her.  When she finally stood before him he wanted to kiss her in that instant but reminded himself that he had to be patient.  He was vaguely aware of Salome taking a picture of them; then the music stopped from beside him. 

They were both smiling at each other.  She turned to Jen handing over her bouquet.  When she faced him again he reached for her hands.  The contact of his skin to hers instantly calmed his nerves.  She was here…… he held onto her …………. they were going to do this ……………… and they would live happily ever after.  He knew that only happened in fairy tales but at this moment he wanted to believe they could be true.

As the registrar begins Matt stops him.  Fear takes Alex over thinking he has changed his mind.  “Before we begin there is something I must do.”  From inside his jacket pocket he takes out a small envelope and places it in Alex’s hands.  “Open it.”

Her hands shake as she pulls back the envelope flap.  She can feel the heavy stationary against her fingertips.  Considering the timing and choice of paper she knows this is significant.  In what way she is afraid to think of.  Inside the envelope she pulls out a plain embossed card.  Written within in Matt’s own handwriting are the words: _You are forgiven, always and completely!_

Immediately she searches for his eyes to know that the words are true and she can see that they are.  Without her permission tears begin their descent down her cheeks.  “Hey, hey, hey.”  He whispers as he slides his thumb across her cheeks wiping away the tears.  She is so happy in that moment that she almost forgets why they were here.  Gently he takes the envelope and card from her hands and places them back in his pocket for her.  She places her tiny hands in his strong ones yet again.  Then turning to the registrar he says, “Now I believe we are ready to begin.”

The registrar starts, “We are gathered here today to bear witness to the union of Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston to Matthew Robert Smith.  If there is anyone who has evidence as to why these two persons should not be wed may they speak now or forever hold their peace.”

The silence enveloped them as they looked at each other with such peace in their souls and love in their hearts.

“Alexandra repeat after me.  I declare that I know of no legal reason why I Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston may not be joined in marriage to Matthew Robert Smith.”

Squeezing his hands, she says “I declare that I know of no legal reason why I Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston may not be joined in marriage to Matthew Robert Smith.”  His eyes become alight at the sound of her declaration as if this is the first he realized that they were really getting married.

The registrar turns to Matt.  “Matthew repeat after me.  I declare that I know of no legal reason why I Matthew Robert Smith may not be joined in marriage to Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston.”  As he repeats them his words remind her that she is really doing this, getting married for a third time.  Calmly the thought whirls in her head…..finally getting it right.

“With the legal declarations in place it is time for the bounds of matrimony.  Do you consent to continue?”

“We do!”  They said in unison.

The registrar started to say repeat after me when Alex looked at him saying, “I think we’ve got this part.”

Turning back to Matt, “I Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston take you Matthew Robert Smith to be my wedded husband. I promise to love and to cherish you, in sickness and in health for as long as we both shall live. I will never doubt your love for me again, and I will love you with my dying breath.”  She turned to Jen who handed to her his ring.  She slid it on his finger then brought his hand to her lips leaving a brush of a kiss over his knuckles.

Choked up he realizes that there was a part of him somewhere inside that didn’t think she would go through with it and yet she did.  She declared herself to him looking up expectantly at him for him to do the same.

Ignoring the pricks of tears in his eyes he began, “I Matthew Robert Smith take you Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston to be my wedded wife.  I pledged to love and honor you from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.”  When Harry passed him the ring his eyes were blurred with tears and he dropped it onto the carpet.  He could hear Harry snort as he bent down to pick it up, this time making sure it was secure in his hand before letting go.  He slipped it on her finger gently kissing her hand before turning to face the registrar.

“I declare before these witnesses that the union of Matthew Robert Smith and Alexandra Elizabeth Kingston has been declared, contracted, and witnessed.  With the authority vested in me by the laws of England I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may kiss your bride.”

Matt needed no further permission stepping closer still to her.  Gently he cupped her face in his hands as he met her lips.  The gentleness bloomed into more as their arms wrapped around one another pulling each other tighter.  If it weren’t for the cheering and hugs from Jen, Salome, and Harry they may have stayed that way all day.

Pulling back just a few centimeters from her face he beams, “We’re married!”

Smiling back at him, “I know.  I was here!”  He gave her another gentle kiss before they turned to greet their friends.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Salome is the first to throw her arms around her.  “Oh mum, I am so happy for you.”  She could see the tears in her daughter’s eyes and she knew they were tears of joy for her and Matt.  She could barely contain herself until Harry had finished congratulating Matt before she flung herself around him.  “I am so happy for the both of you…dad.”

He visibly swallowed at that word ‘dad’.  He was a dad, Emma’s dad but now he was Salome’s as well.  “Poppet, I don’t think there is anything that could possible make me happier than this day.  To have you and your mum in my life always, I think maybe dreams do come true.”  He looked over to her as Jen was releasing her from a hug and caught her eye.  He missed her already and she was only a few feet away.

“Ok, come on picture time”, announced Salome.  They were only allowed a few more minutes in the registry office so she only took a few of the happy couple.  Harry clicked his iPod once more.  The classic orchestral version of Mendelssohn’s ‘Wedding March’ could be heard as they were leaving the office. The registrar’s secretary directed them to the gallery room that had a large stained glass window.  “It’s a lovely place for photos”, she told them.  Once there they took a ridiculous amount of pictures of the two of them, of the three of them, their new family, and with them and their witnesses.  When the secretary came to see if they were finished, she even took a few photos of all of them together.  Matt wished Emma could have been there but he knew she would approve.

The last picture was of their hands crossed over one another showing their rings on top of an antique ring bearer’s pillow.  After she took it Salome asked, “Why are you only wearing your engagement rings?”

Sneaking a peek at each other, Alex answered, “We both really liked our engagement rings.  Every wedding band we tried didn’t seem right next to it.  So we decided we would use them as our wedding bands as well.”

Salome rolled her eyes at them.  “Of course you two have to be different.”

“Well, I think it’s brilliant!”  Jen chimed in.  “And very them.”

Salome thought over her words, “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.  It is very them.”  She smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry stated that they should get going.  He would drive the happy couple back to the Inn while Salome rode with Jen.  When they got there they were all surprised that Harry had arranged a small celebration.  Harry has been a long time resident of the area and seems to know everybody and everybody seems to like him.  So it was not difficult to get this put together in quick order and to get their assurances they would keep it quiet.

They had champagne toasts before they cut a small cake feeding each other bites.  Salome makes sure she captures every moment.  It’s not long before Alex can see that Matt is anxious to be alone with her, and honestly she can’t wait either.  As they finish the champagne she states that she’s going to pack her things up in their room so they can be ready to leave.  Holding her close, Matt kisses her again.  “I’ll drive back with Harry to get my car and meet you back here.  Twenty minutes?”

“Thirty, if you don’t mind.  I want a few minutes with Salome, which by the way thank you for.”  She kisses him again. 

“My pleasure ma’am.”  He kisses her back.

“You never stop surprising me with how well you know me.”

“I know you.”  He pecks her lips again.  “But it also helps when you have conversations in Emma’s room and you forget the monitors on!”

“What!?!  Oh you!”  She swats him in the chest.

“Oi woman!  Husband abuse already?”

She smirks at him leaning up to kiss him again.  “You love it and you know it.”

“Maybe!”  He nuzzles her nose.

“Ok, you two!  If we’re ever going to get you off on your honeymoon you need to separate for at least a little bit.”  Jennifer interrupts their lovely moment.

He glares her way, “Jen, that statement makes absolutely no sense!”  As he pulls Alex closer to him.

She raises her hands in defeat.  “Ok, far be it from me to think you’d prefer a quiet private honeymoon then getting arrested for public indecency.”

Alex pulls back from his kiss, “She may have a point there, darling.”  He had to concede that she did.  “Ok, meet me back here in thirty minutes.  I’ll be waiting.”

“I’ll be here.”  He whispered.  Brushing his lips against her temple he breathed, “Don’t change.  I want to be the one to take this off of you.”  His hands slid over the material of her dress.  Blushing she left his arms to join Jen and Salome.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thirty minutes later her, Jen, and Salome are waiting in the lobby of the Inn.  Matt comes strolling in right on time.  He immediately slides his arms around Alex kissing her senseless. 

“Ok, I guess this is our cue to leave.”  Jen says to Salome.  “Much longer and were going to have to get you a psychologist.  Salome giggles.

“Oh were not that bad.”  Alex admonishes her.

“Maybe not but honeymoons are not to be shared with the daughters so you guys go have a great time.  I’ll see you next week for the party.”  She gives them both big hugs sending them on their way. 

He picks up her bag escorting her out of the lobby, his arm firmly planted around her waist.  When they get outside he opens her car door holding her hand as she settles in.  Walking around the boot he places her bag next to his before taking his seat in the driver’s side.  Looking over to her he smiles, “Hi there Mrs. Smith.”

Her face brightens at her new name.  “And hi there to you Mr. Smith.”  She leans in for a kiss.

He turns the key, “Let’s get this honeymoon started.”  His voice starts to crack.  He still can’t believe they are married and they are really going on a honeymoon.

She runs her fingers overtop of his hand on the gear shift feeling the edges of his ring as they pass over.  She slots her fingers between his staying there whenever he shifts letting him know ‘we are in this together.’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	36. Honeymoon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Don’t read this in a public place! Rating has been upgraded to M.

Nearly an hour later they arrive at a charming country farmhouse.  It is just a small part of a 600 acre farm.  The farmhouse has been run as a bed and breakfast since before the Second World War.  Matt goes to get their bags from the boot as Alex takes in their surroundings.  Not too far away she can see a good size lake which she imagines in the spring and summer months draw the geese and ducks.  She can see that the gardens are well maintained even with the layer of snow covering most of it.  Taking in a deep breath she relishes in the cold of an English winter.  She has always missed this while living in California.  This place feels peaceful and tranquil.

Coming up behind her he rests his chin on her shoulder taking in the same view as her.  “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”  She observes.

“I thought you might like it.”  He agrees turning to sneak a kiss to her neck.  “Maybe we can come back in the summer to see the gardens.

She leans her cheek against his.  “That would be lovely.”

Lifting himself upright he asks, “Shall we Mrs. Smith?”  His hands full with the bags he bends his elbow for her to lace her arm through.

“We shall, Mr. Smith.”  But before they take a step she leans up kissing him.  As they part they can see their breath mingling in the air between them.  He leads them inside where they register with the older lady who has been running the inn for the better part of fifty years.  She assures them that her daughter and her husband run most of the day to day these days.  “If you need anything don’t hesitate to call.  Its #1 on your room phone.”

When they get to their room he puts the bags on the floor while Alex unlocks the door.  Before she gets a chance to walk into the room he gathers her in his arms sweeping her off her feet.  “Matt whatever are you doing?”

He grins at her.  “Carrying you across the threshold, Kingston.  Geez, I thought you were supposed to be the marriage expert here.”  He teases.

Wrapping her arms around his neck she pulls him closer to kiss him.  “Honestly, I feel like this is the first time.  At least the first time it truly mattered.”  His face lights up that this is a first for her as well as him.  He never liked to admit it but he worried about being compared to the others.  Hearing her words, he knows that they don’t matter in the here and now.  There is only them.  Their kiss becomes more passionate as he walks the few steps into the room.  Gently he lets her feet come back to the ground but his lips never leave hers.

He cannot hold back any longer.  He wants her more than breath in his body.  His hands slide up her back.  Even through the heavy winter coat she can feel his need to touch her as his tongue tangles with hers.  Her fingers stroke through his hair pulling him tighter to her.  Somehow he remembers that the door is still open and the suitcases are in the hall.  “Let me get the bags.”  He says as he pulls away then ducks back into her arms for a quick peck against her lips.

While he gathers the luggage in the hall she removes her coat and takes in the room.  It’s a rather large room with a king size four poster bed in deep mahogany as the rooms centerpiece.  Near the window is a small seating area with a table that would be perfect for tea, Alex thinks.  On the opposite wall is a massive fireplace encased in carved mahogany.  She smiles thinking of them lying in front of a warm fire.  At that moment she feels his arms circle her waist, his chest pressed against her back.  “Does it meet with your approval?”

She leans into him resting her head against his shoulder.  “It does, especially since it includes a handsome husband.”  She peers up at him at the same time he looks down to her. 

 

“And lucky for me, it includes a gorgeous wife.”  He can’t stop wanting to kiss her so he does.  Turning in his arms she presses herself against his chest while his arms hold her so very tight as if she could slip away if he doesn’t. 

“I’m not going anywhere darling.”  He leans back looking curiously into her eyes.  “But I do need to breathe.”  At that moment he realizes how tightly he had been holding her and loosens his arms.

“Sorry”, He mumbles embarrassed.

“Darling, I think we’ve both said that word enough.  I am hereby banning it from this honeymoon.”  He smirks at her.  As his lips meet hers he immediately deepens the kiss wanting to taste all of her.  She begins to feel light-headed for the need for air as his hands stroke up and down her back, occasionally straying over her bottom.

As much as he wants her, _and he does want her_ , this is their honeymoon and the first time they will make love to each other in nearly five years.  He wants it to be special for both of them, and if he’d admit it he is a bit nervous.  Stepping away he leads her over to a bucket containing champagne.  “Care for a little bubbly?”  He offers.

“Absolutely darling.”  She watches as he works on removing the cork wondering if she should wrestle the bottle from his hands before he hurts himself.  When the cork flies across the room it only manages to knock over a rather non-descript knickknack on the bedside table.

“Oops!”  He blushes and she laughs at him.  Pouring them each a flute he hands hers to her, keeping one in his own hand.  Moving to within inches of her he looks deep into her eyes.  “To the most beautiful woman on the planet who has made me the happiest man today by agreeing to be my wife.  I love you.”  He brings his glass to her lips tipping it for her to sip from it.

Holding her own glass before him she states, “To the kindest, most generous man I have ever known who has made me the happiest I have ever been in my life.  I love you darling.”  She tips her glass to his lips watching as the liquid passes his lips. 

Her eyes focus on the droplets of champagne on his lips and she steps in to kiss them from him.  Her smile is radiate as she reaches past him for a chocolate covered strawberry.  Teasing his lips with it she holds it as he takes a bite, then she brings the succulent fruit to her own lips tasting where he’d been tasting.  They take turns feeding each other niblets of cheese, fruit, and crackers while sipping their champagne.

When Matt went back with Harry to retrieve his car, Harry handed him the small iPod with the attached speaker that he had had in his pocket.  “I know it’s not much mate but you didn’t give me any time to get anything else together.  So at least have this.  It has a ‘Honeymoon Playlist’ on it.” 

Matt pulled it out of his jacket pocket placing it on the nearby table.  He takes her flute placing it next to his.  Offering his hand he asks for this dance, then presses the play button.  The first song is ‘Make You Feel My Love’ by Adele.  Perfect. 

He slides one arm around her waist, the other taking her hand.  Gliding her around the room her eyes never leaves his.  

She is amazed at the grace and ease that he dances her around the room.  Bringing their entwined hands to his chest he slows them even more nipping kisses here and there as they sway.  They slowly dance around the room until their not really dancing anymore.

He can’t believe she is really here, and that they are really married.  For so long it had been a dream, then a wish; he never thought it could be reality but here she was in his arms smiling up at him.  His hands slide up her spine until his fingertips nestle into her ringlets.  Their kisses are becoming more passionate as he acknowledges the reality of her being with him.   Soon enough he wishes there were no barriers between them.  The clothes they are wearing are far to restricting.  He growls into her ear, “I want to rip this dress from you.”  He’s grown quite impatient.

“Oh please don’t.  I wanted to wear it for our party next week.”  He growls at her.  “Well if you must but then I will need to go out again this week shopping as opposed to staying home in bed like I had planned.”  She pouts.

He immediately changes his approach.  Coming behind her he patiently unbuttons each crystal button while nibbling on her ear and neck.  His slow pace and the never-ending feel of his lips on her are stoking a burning fire within her.  She almost wants to shout to him to tear the dress from her but they have waited this long.  After the last button is undone his hands caresses down over her magnificent arse.  He’s always loved her arse both to look at but especially to touch.  His hands skim up her sides as his kisses trail along the nape of her neck to nibble on the other side.  As his hand reaches the zipper he takes her earlobe into his mouth.  She can feel the cool air rush to her back as it descends down her spine.  With just two fingers he traces her spine back up to where the single button holds the outer sheath of her dress.  This is the last item holding the dress to her form.  When he removes it he doesn’t let the dress fall to the floor as she expected but holds it out and away from her then shifting it downward so she can step out of it.  “Don’t move.”  His breathless words resound in her ear.  Moving away from her he lays the dress on the chair in the corner.  When he returns he slides his arms from behind to encircle her waist feeling the taunt skin of her abdomen under his fingers.  She leans back into him wearing only her bra and knickers, stockings, and heels.  She purrs. “I thought you might see things my way!”

She turns to a fully clothed Matt her lips slotted over his as she arches into him.  Her hands slide through his hair the feel of it reminding her of the countless times she felt it while they made love.  For so long she had held back those feelings.  They hurt too much to remember, not knowing if they would ever have this chance again.  Her body runs flush with desire for him and now it is her turn to rid him of his clothing.  With her hands remaining in his hair she works her way to his back.  Her hands slide down from his hair to the collar of his jacket working their way down his chest until she can remove it from him.  “Don’t move.”  She echoes breathlessly into his ear as she places it atop her dress. 

When she returns she can’t help but to squeeze his buttocks.  His pert arse always did turn her on.  She allows her hands to slide up his back feeling the definition of his muscle as she does.  When she reaches his shoulders she dances around to his front stroking his cheek before tipping his mouth to hers.  As their tongues explore each other her fingers deftly unbutton his waistcoat.  As she moves it off his shoulders she slinks around to remove it entirely.  “Not a muscle.”  She commands against his ear. 

He can hear the click of her heels as she returns from depositing it with his jacket.  The warm feel of her hands against his back, then his side cause his heart to flutter further with each removed layer.  Her hands skate across his body as she leisurely dances around him.  Her hands untie the tie at his neck while her lips nip at his jaw.  When pulling on the long tie she steps back from him until it falls away from his body.  She playfully drapes it around her own neck.  He quickly uses it to pull her close to him again crushing his lips on hers, their bodies meld together despite the height difference.  Efficiently she begins to unbutton his shirt her lips trailing down to leave her mark against his chest.  When the last button is undone she takes a step back reaching down for his hand.  At first she presses her cheek against his fingers then her lips against his palm while unbuttoning his cuff.  She does the same with the other.  When she goes behind him to take off his shirt he tries to stop her from leaving.  “Stay."  "I’ll always be back.”  He smiled even when her physical warmth left him.

The first thing he felt when she returned was her lips on his back kissing him, tasting him, making him hers.  Her hands slid around his sides feeling their way across his abs up to his chest.  The feel of her breasts pressed against his back surged a desire to have them pressed against his front.  Her hands slid down past his abs unbuckling his belt and undoing his trousers.  Before she slid them down he kicked off his shoes.  He stepped out of them in much the same way she had stepped out of her dress.  “Wait for me!”  She kisses into his shoulder before laying his trousers over the chair.

When she returns he can be patient no longer and turns to her as soon as he feels her touch.  He pulls her tightly to him while their mouths devour each other.  Bending down he picks her up carrying her to the bed.  His lips never leave hers as he joins her slotting his body beside hers.  They hear the strains of ‘A Thousand Years’ play in the background as they continue to explore each other finding those places they remembered and discovering one or two new ones.  His eyes never leaving hers as he crawls backwards to the edge of the bed.  Taking her foot in his hand he carefully removes one shoe then the other.  He is intrigued by the stockings covering her legs letting his fingertips trace over them until she begins to squirm.  Leaving a kiss at the edge of the stocking he releases it from the garter then with great care rolls it down her leg until it is fully naked.  He can’t help but to kiss the flesh as it is revealed to him.  As he does the same with the other stocking Alex can no longer hold back a whimper.

He crawls back to her missing her lips already.  She can feel his bare legs against hers.  ‘When did he take his socks off?’  She giggles wondering where that thought came from.  All of her senses are on overload.  She has missed him so much she hadn’t allowed herself to fully realize how much until this very moment.  Tears well in her eyes as she thinks of all of the time they have missed because of her stupidity.  Her hands scrape at his back trying to get him closer, never wanting to let him go again.

He senses a change in her and stops to look in her eyes surprised by the tears he sees.  Holding her in his arms he brushes them away.  “What’s the matter sweetheart?”

Moving her eyes to the ceiling she tries to will the tears away but his sweet words only cause them to fall faster.  “I love you so much Matt.”

His eyes brighten as he smiles down to her, “I love you too you know.  Quite a bit actually.”  He’s mere inches from her face watching her carefully.

“I’m so sorry Matt.  I was such an idiot.  Why was I such an idiot?”  The tears are flowing hard now.  He pulls her to his chest holding her tight.

When she calms slightly he finally asks, “What is this about Alex?”

“I love you so much.”  She tries to get the words out through the tears.  “I’m so sorry I hurt us….. that we couldn’t have been together all this time.  It’s all my fault.  I’m so sorry.”  He held her tight rocking the sorrow from her.

“Alex.”  She finally looks up to him.  He brushes away the tears before kissing her slowly.  “This is the last we are going to talk about this, ok?”  She nods at him.  “I love you. Yes, I’m sorry we were apart but it happened.  We can’t change that.”  He lays her back down, laying beside her, his hand resting against her cheek.  “But I believe; I really do that we are going to be stronger together because of it.  I know I never want to be apart from you again.”

“And neither do I!”  She reaches for him her fingers tangled in his hair.

“And that’s something you didn’t know last time.”  She drops her gaze not able to look him in the eyes.  “Alex, look at me.”  Tentatively she lifts her eyes still surprised by the absolute look of love radiating from his hazel eyes.  “I’ve already forgiven you…. I think it’s time you forgave yourself.  Today is the first day of the rest of our lives and we are not going to bring that baggage with us.  Can you do that for me Alex?  For us?  Can you forgive yourself?”

She is so grateful for him.  She still doesn’t fully believe that she deserves him but he deserves, they both do to let the past go.  Looking deep into his eyes she nods at him, “Yes.  If you have really forgiven me then I suppose I can as well.”

“Always” He places a kiss over her right eye, “and” then her left eye, “completely” he captures her lips in hers never wanting to let her go.  She feels the pain of those four years wash from her being replaced by his love and forgiveness.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

As his lips trail down her neck nipping across her clavicle her hands can’t stop tracing over every inch of him.  He’s so much more muscular than she remembers.  Working out for ‘American Psycho’ and the ‘Terminator’ movies has transformed his lithe body into that of a god.   She rolls them over hovering over his chest. 

No longer content in taking it slow her kisses down his chest become frantic.  He senses her urgency but is not willing to give into it….not tonight.  This night has to be special.  He has dreamed of it for what seems like a lifetime and he wants it….no needs it to be perfect……for both of them.  Taking her hands in his he pulls her up letting her lips crash into his as he turns them in the bed.  He returns her frantic movements with slow gentle caresses.  When their lips part he looks at her with the adoration that he feels in his heart.  His hand strokes over her body as he takes in her curves admiring her tiny waist and the swell of her hips. 

“I love you Mrs. Smith more than anyone in this universe and I want you to know that this night without any doubts.”  He presses himself into her curves his hands at her back keeping her close.  “I intend on being very thorough.”  He kisses her lips lightly.  “I want to be sure that there aren’t any lingering doubts.”  His kisses wander around her face till he buries himself in her curls.  “Any objections?” He whispers into her ear.

Her words seem to be locked in her throat so by way of answering she kisses his neck, up his jaw until she can meet his lips.  His lips that she never wants to leave hers ever again.  She can feel his hands against her back unclasping her bra.  Sliding back from her he watches in awe as he removes it from her revealing her breasts to him.  Sliding from around her back he cups one in his hand.  They still fit.  He had been afraid that had changed.  Whenever he took her breasts into his hands they felt like they had been made just for him.  He had missed that.  Bending down he takes the dusty peak into his mouth sighing in contentment.  Arching into him she feels desire coiling inside of her pooling downward.

He lavishes great attention on her breasts licking, nipping, sucking, and kissing one while his hand fondles and teases the other before he exchanges one for the other.  It is near impossible for her to contain her passion for him as she bucks and writhes against him.  She’s sure her knickers are ruined with how wet she feels as she presses herself against his hard length.  “God, I want you!”  She finally manages to find her voice as well as the strength to turn him onto his back.  Straddling his hips she can’t stop herself from teasing him by undulating over his already hard length.  The gasps he lets out cause her to laugh as she does slide against him.  Then bending down she pushes her arse in the air far from him as she leaves a trail of kisses down his chest.  When she reaches the waistband of his pants she continues to tease by lavishing kisses there then sliding back up to kiss his neck.

His hands continue to roam her body wherever he can reach, at this moment it is squeezing her arse trying to pull her back down on top of him.  Lifting herself off his chest she looks at him with a wicked gleam in her eye as her hands stroke down his chest.  They don’t stop this time when they reach the waistband of his pants but pull them down revealing how hard he really is for her.  She slides off the end of the bed and shimmies out of her own  knickers giving him a look of deep desire.  Walking back up the bed on her knees her hands skim his legs, her nails leaving shivers in their wake.  Taking him in her hand she feels the length of him, her eyes closed remembering all the times before and how he felt.

While lost in her thoughts he sits up grabbing her around the shoulders tossing her onto the bed.  His lips crashed passionately into hers leaving her unable to breathe.  “I want you.”  His words jagged with desire.

“I am yours.”  She breathes back to him as she feels him nudging at her entrance.  Her shiny green eyes look directly into his dark hazel ones letting him know what she has only recently learned.  “Always.” 

He slips through her wet folds filling her fully.  Never has anyone made her feel like he does.  Only taking a moment to adjust to each other they cannot slow their desires for one another.  He tries to keep his movements slow but it has been so long, so very long and he cannot contain his need for her any more. 

She feels the same as they find their fast-paced rhythm.  His strong hands are against her back, one has slid to her hair pulling the curls around his fingers.  Hers are scraping at his back trying desperately to get him closer.  Inside her, on top of her, it still isn’t enough.  She wants to crawl under his skin. 

His mouth lets go of a nipple so that he can seek out her lips.  Crashing his mouth over hers it is a tangle of messy kisses as he continues to pound inside of her.  The urgency, the desire to be within her overtakes him in a way he has not felt in half a decade.  It nearly makes him falter as he gets caught in the past but he wants to be present in the here and now.  He never wants to forget this first time as they begin a lifetime of forever. 

He’s not sure how much longer he can hold on as he pulls her leg to his hip changing the angle hitting her deeper.  She gasps as he hits that spot that was only meant for him.  Reaching between them she begins to rub at her clit until she feels his hand bat hers away taking over instead.

They tip over nearly together as her release sets off his riding out the sensations together.  Falling to her side he slides out of her but curls himself around her closer.  He doesn’t want to be any further away than she does.  Finding her lips he kisses her gently smiling against them until she finds the strength to kiss him back. 

Lying on the pillow he looks over to her just enjoying her being so close; they being so close.  He can’t stop smiling.  Pulling her hand to his mouth he places small kisses against her fingers.  “Any lingering doubts?”  He asks over the kisses.

Smiling back at him she leans over kissing him thoroughly before answering.  “Not a one but………”  His smile drops.  “I may require frequent reminders to be sure.”  Desire still burning in her eyes.

Gathering her into his arms he presses himself into her.  Her eyes go wide as she feels his hard shaft against her so soon.  “I don’t foresee that as a problem Mrs. Smith.  Do you?”

“Not at all Mr. Smith.”  She pulls his lips to hers once more.

Throughout the evening and most of the night they remind each other how much they love and desire the other.  Finally they drift off in each other’s arms feeling completely sated and content.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	37. Married Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Bits inspired by Lee’s grandparents. May they be holding hands in heaven.

 

When they woke the next morning they were ravenous both for each other and for food.  Other than a few nibbles they had barely eaten the day before with all of the excitement of the day.  Ignoring the growl of their stomachs they needed to fulfill their desire for each other first.  Holding on to each other with a sheen covering their bodies they could not stop the desire to taste each other.  “Darling, we really need to get breakfast.”

As his mouth sucked on her earlobe he concurred, “Yes, we do.”

As she pushed away from him he began to pout.  “Why don’t you call downstairs to see how late they serve breakfast?”  She said as she rose from the bed.  Propping his head up with his elbow he takes in the sight of her in the streaming morning light.  She was a sight to behold.  Catching the bemused look on his face she asks, “What?”

He smiles brightly at being caught.  “Oh just enjoying the view!”  She blushed a deep red.

His smile fell as he saw the look in her eye which said she didn’t quite believe him.  Hopping from the bed he immediately took her in his arms.  “Hey!”  He waited until her eyes met his.  “Don’t ever doubt that you are the most gorgeous woman in the world to me.  Not even for a second.”

Her eyes dropped from his.  “But Matt I’m not young anymore.  I’m not even as young as I was back when we were together before.” 

He lifted her chin until she could see into his eyes and left a sweet kiss against her lips.  “How old you are has never _ever_ been a concern of mine.  And for the record you don’t look any different than what I remember.”  He trails his hand down her cheek, across her shoulder and down the valley of her chest, sliding across her tiny waist and around to cup her buttocks.  He pulls her closer to him keeping his hands on her arse.  ‘Hey he’s always loved her arse.’  “So don’t ever doubt that when I’m leering at you again!”  She laughs and he smacks her butt cheeks as she wiggles against him.

The kiss she presses into him tells of her desire for him making it quite difficult to pull away but she really is hungry.  “Darling, please call downstairs while I hop into the shower.”  He tries to hide his disappointment as she leaves for the en suite but is rewarded when she shimmies her arse winking at him over her shoulder.

He can barely dial the #1 on the phone after that.

As soon as the water begins to run the length of her body the shower door opens and he joins her.  At first surprised then delighted as his arms wrap around her from behind.  His lips pulling desire to the surface of her skin she doesn’t think she can ever have enough of this man.  Reaching behind, her fingers trail against his thighs until she finds what she desired.  He seemed to be in a perpetual level of arousal around her.  Who could blame him? 

The warmth of the water heated their bodies from the outside as their desire heated them from the inside.  Her hand wrapped around his length as she slowly stroked it rubbing her thumb across its head.  He hissed in her ear as he nibbled there while his hands slide to her chest rubbing gentle circles along her breasts.  When she grasped him more firmly stroking him harder he grappled at her chest pinching her nipples between his fingers delighting in the soft moans leaving her.

 Without warning he turned her around crashing his lips against hers as he pulled her from her feet.  Wrapping her legs around him he backed her against the cool tile feeling the beat of the water against his back.  Swiftly he slid within her swallowing her gasp with his own mouth on hers.  While pumping within her she devoured his mouth, she pulled on his hair, and scraped her nails against his back.  Within moments he could feel his release coiling tighter.  His hands were busy holding her in place so he was grateful when hers left his hair to frantically flick at her own clit.  She arched into him as she went over the edge causing him to follow her immediately.  After a few more strokes to ride out their orgasms he let her legs down wrapping his arms around her back continuing to kiss her for the desire for that never ebbs.

He walks backwards letting the water fall on her again.  Turning her he runs his hands through her curls as it gets wet.  Releasing her he reaches for the shampoo handing it to her while holding out his waiting hand.  Understanding she pours the appropriate amount in his hand.  Rubbing his hands together first he turns her out of the spray as he gently washes her curls.  He loves her hair.  He loves it wet, he loves it dry, he loves anytime he can run his fingers through it.  The feeling of his hands in her hair can’t be described.  It’s something short of heaven.  Convinced that it is clean he turns her once again to rinse it thoroughly.  Reaching for the conditioner he pours it out himself.  He remembers that she uses a ridiculous amount and he relishes putting it all on her. 

She is so happy to see the delight on his face.  It makes him so happy to do this for her.  She remembers how when they weren’t in a hurry to get somewhere he would insist on washing and conditioning her hair.  It is a treat for both of them.  How she had missed it.  How she had missed him.  Pushing up on her toes she takes his lips in hers as he continues to massage the conditioner into her hair.  ‘God, I could stay here all day.’   She then found the bath wash, pouring it into a mesh bath sponge, and rubbing it over his body.  His body has changed so much in these five years.  His muscles are toned and his abs are firm.  He is still so ridiculously thin though.  Smiling she remembers how she was always so jealous that he could eat just about anything and seemly not show it anywhere on his body. 

He takes the sponge from her hand pouring the bath gel to stroke it over her skin as well.  She misses his hands in her hair but having them gliding over her skin is a fair trade.  When she is washed he positions her under the water to fully rinse her hair of the conditioner.  Before he reaches around her to shut off the taps she kisses him once more her arms wrapped around his shoulders.  “Thank you Sweetie.”

“Oh Sweetheart, you are most welcome.”  He holds her hand as they leave the shower quickly grabbing the fluffy towels to cover themselves from the chilly air.  She ducks out to the wardrobe bringing back the large white fluffy robes handing one to him then pulling one around herself.  When she wraps her hair in the towel to dry it; he laments covering up such beauty.

“Oh hush you.  It’s only to dry it a little.”  She swats at him.  “So what did you find out about breakfast?  How much time do we have?”  She asks as she spreads moisturizer on her face.

Sliding his hands around her waist he speaks quietly into her ear.  “We have as much time as you want.  They are bringing it up to the room.”  Her eyes go wide realizing she is not dressed.  “No worries Kingston.  I think they figured out we didn’t want to be disturbed.  He said they would leave it outside our door.”

She arches her brow at him.  “Really?  How could they tell?”

“The man, Joseph, said that his mother-in-law told him we were newlyweds.”  Her brow arched again in the mirror as she looked at him in disbelief. 

“How?  How would she know?”

“Not sure, but the fact that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you may have given her some clue.”  He said sheepishly.

Turning in his arms, “Or that I couldn’t keep the smile off my face.”  His eyes brightened at that as a smile took him over.

“Yeah, that too!”  Holding her close he captured her lips in his again not ever wanting to miss an opportunity to kiss this woman ever.  “So let me go see if breakfast is here.”  He slid his finger down her nose before placing a tiny kiss there.

From the other room she could hear him, “Oh god, Kingston this is glorious.  Hurry up or I might not share.”

When she reentered the bedroom he had set up the tiny table by the window with the full English breakfast complete with a steaming pot of tea.  After pouring their tea there was silence for several minutes as they dove into their food.  Honeymooning creates quite the appetite. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After breakfast Alex insisted that they get dressed.  She wanted to explore the grounds.  His hand held hers tightly as they walked around the gardens and then the lake.  The air was crisp but not abundantly cold.  The ending of winter was coming soon as was evident by the fair temperatures.  They’re both smiling so much their cheeks begin to hurt.  As they walk along the edge of the lake he halts them swinging her around so that she crashes into his chest.  Wrapping his arms around her he pulls her into him leaning down to kiss her adorable lips.  It seems like forever and no time at all that they break for air.  “I will never stop wanting to do that!”  He announces as he kisses the tip of her nose.

“Lucky for you I never want you to stop doing that.”  They continue to hold each other just staring at one another like if they didn’t the other might disappear.  “It’s beautiful here.”  She finally says.

“Yes, it is.”  He lets go long enough to take her hand and continue their walk around the lake.  “But as much as I love this honeymoon I look forward to us being together in our regular lives.  Walking hand in hand on our way to Tesco or at the flower market on Sundays.”  He smiles over to her.

“I have been thinking about that darling.  You know we never really talked about _things_.”

“ _Things?_ ”  He looked at her his face scrunched up.

“Yeah, you know things?  Practical things like where are we going to live?  What name will I go by?  What I am to Emma?  Things.”  She prattled on as they continued their walk.

“We could talk about them now if you would like.  But honestly, Alex, I think ‘things’ will just work themselves out.  We’ve already conquered the biggest one.”  He smiled wolfishly at her.

She smiled and blushed at him resting her head on his shoulder as they continued their walk.

“So how do you feel about living with me and Emma in my flat in London?  I mean we could get our own place if you prefer but I would hate for Emma to lose the coolest bedroom in the country.”

She laughed at him.  “Oh darling, I would hate for her to lose it as well.  Besides you and her have memories there.  They are important to you.  I would love to live with you in London.”

He stops them again gathering her into his arms.  “Really?”

“Yes, really.  What did you think I was going to marry you and then take off back to LA?”  She’s somewhat teasing but she wonders a bit if he still has doubts.

“No, but LA is your home.”

She interrupts him.  “LA is _not_ my home.  My home…”  She pulls him closer to her.  “…is right here.  My home is wherever you are.”  She slides her hand against his cheek pulling him to her so she can kiss him.  Parting she adds, “Yeah, definitely home!”

He beams a grin at her before they continue on the trail around the lake.  “But what about your house in LA?  You’re not going to want to get rid of it are you?  I mean it is Salome’s home too and you both have so many memories there.”

“Well darling, our careers seem to go back and forth between the States and the UK.  It would probably make sense to keep a place on both continents as we need them at different times.  How do you feel about moving your stuff in LA to my…our house?”

“Alex, I would love that!  To give Emma a proper house with a back garden.  Will there be enough room for all of us?”

She giggles at him.  “Matt it’s a five bedroom house.  How could that not be enough room?  Each of the girls would have their own room and we’d still have a guest room.  We would have to share a study though, if that’s ok?”

“I’d share anything with you….you know that.”

“So you’d be ok giving up your flat in LA?”

“I would.  Emma and I made some good memories there but I think the memories we are going to make at our new home will more than make up for it.  Of course, I’m sure my mum and Karen would insist that the pink room gets moved as well.”

She laughs at him.  “Whatever you and Emma want is fine with me.  I’m sure Salome will be thrilled to have an ally in the feminine department.  Lord knows she never got it from me.”

“What are you talking about?  You are plenty feminine.”

“Oh, I’m too practical for all those frills and pink but Salome loves it.  I think perhaps Emma might too one day.”

He slides his arm around her shoulder as they continue meandering the path.  “They are going to be brilliant together, our daughters.”

She sighs, “Our daughters.”  She repeats.

They continue walking just listening to the sounds of the snow crunching under their feet and the stillness of winter around them.  As they are making their way back to the Inn he asks, “Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

Looking up to him she has a gleam in her eye.  “Yes, but much later.”  Tugging him closer as they walk, “I think I’d rather enjoy making love to my husband instead.”

“I like the way you think, Mrs. Smith.”  He grins back.

“I thought you might Mr. Smith.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As they passed the reception desk Matt asked if they could have their dinner brought up to their room.  The elderly lady smiled as she took in their besotted expressions.  “I will be sure to have Joseph bring it to your door.  What time would you like dinner?” 

“About 6 if it’s not too much trouble.”  He replied.

“No problem at all.”  She continued to watch them. 

Catching her gazing at them he was sure that she had recognized them.  “Sorry was there anything else?”  Matt asked.

“Oh I’m sorry.  I know I have been staring.  It’s just that you two, so in love, remind me of my husband and I.  He used to look at me the way you look at your wife.  I miss him that is all.”

Alex leans over taking the old woman’s hand in hers.  “He’s ….?”

“Yes, he passed a few years ago.  Seeing the two of you remind me of when Thomas and I were young.  He would hold my hand whenever he was near, even at dinner.”  She seems to get a little lost in her remembering.  “That man…. That man couldn’t so much as pass me in the hallway without stopping to give me a kiss.”  Her face was alight as she thought of her husband’s sweet kisses.  She pats Alex’s hand then walks past the reception desk.  “Don’t mind me.  You two skedaddle and make lots of your own memories.”  Matt tugged her away leaving the woman with rekindled thoughts of her own love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they got back to the room Matt went to make a fire in the fireplace.  The walk had been lovely but a bit of the cold had seeped in giving them a chill.  Alex turned on the electric kettle to make them both tea bringing it over just as he was getting the fire to take hold.  “Thanks, love.”  He answered as he took the tea staring into the fire.  She sat down next to him watching the flames lick against the inside of the hearth.  There is something magical about watching a fire.  It seems to live and breathe on its own.  You can get lost in watching its ever-changing movements.  “Penny for your thoughts.”  He nudges her beside him.

“Oh just thinking about us.”  She sighs.

“Well I like that.  What about us?”  He inquires further as he sips his tea.

“Just wondering….”  She has a far-away look in her eye.  “Just wondering if we’re going to be _that_ couple.”

He looks at her confused.  “What couple is that?”

“Oh you know that couple that everyone looks at in the room wondering can they really love each other that much because they can’t seem to keep their hands off each other.”  She smirks up at him over her cup of tea.

Setting his tea on the hearth he reaches over for hers as well sitting it beside his.  Invading her personal space he hovers just slightly away from her as she leans away from him falling against the pillows lying on the floor.  His hand acts as if it is going to touch her but floats across her body without making contact.  “I think Ms. Kingston you will find that I can keep my hands off of you if I choose to.”  His lips are close to hers now but just far enough away.

“That’s Mrs. Smith to you and no I don’t really think that you can.”  She arches an eyebrow at him.

“Well Mrs. Smith, if you prefer.”  She nods that she does.  “I think you will find I have a great deal of restraint when I want to.”

“Really?”  She purrs in disbelief moving to a sitting position as he crawls backwards.  With a wink she pulls her soft jumper over her head tossing it onto the sofa.  Under her jumper she is wearing a white tank with built in sports bra that accentuates all of her curves.  The glow of the fire illuminates her skin against the tight white fabric.

“Oh Kingston, you don’t play fair!”  He grumbles.

“What?”  She blinks her eyelashes innocently.  “I was hot…….or at least I was getting there.”  He nearly dies as she purrs that last line.

Moving back up her body he keeps a distance of about ten centimeters.  Following her he moves when she moves.  She can feel his breath against her lips but they hover just slightly above in their own version of a staring contest.  Unable to resist any longer she pushes her hips up sliding along his already hardened member.  He immediately gathers her in his arms kissing her without respite.  When they finally part he announces, “Thank god, I didn’t think I was going to last much longer.”  She chuckles at him.

In the glow of the fire they peel the other’s clothing off revealing skin that needs kissing, needs tasting, needs contact with each other.  They savor the taste of one another, the joy of being in each other’s arms.  When they finally join it is as one.  They are no longer two hearts beating separately but one heart beating for two.  As they come down from their high their hands never leave one another needing the feel of the other’s skin beneath whether it be a hand, a cheek, a stomach, or a breast mattered none.  It was each other that they sought and only felt complete when they were in contact.

“Yeah, we are so going to be that couple.”  She muses as she watches their hands tangle in the firelight.

Looking over to her with a grin he leans in kissing her gently.  “I’m ok with that.  How about you?”

Her smile broadens.  “So ok with that.”  Her voice rough stirs him but the need for rest overcomes them both.

They’re not too sure how long they slept when they heard a light rapping on the door.  ‘Dinner must be here.’  He goes to the closet and brings back their robes lying hers over her while he gets the dinner setting it on the table.  He’s about to go to her when he feels her arms around his waist.  “When I woke you were gone.”

Turning in her arms he brings his own around her waist pressing a sweet kiss to her lips.  “Sorry love.  I went to get dinner.  I was just coming to wake you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They spend the entire weekend enjoying each other’s company, taking walks, and talking over meals.  When Monday comes they are sad to leave their retreat but anxious to begin their new life together as husband and wife.  Matt surprises her by not stopping to pick up Emma on the way home.  He explained that his mum had asked if she could stay until next weekend when they were coming down anyways. 

“I’ll miss her terribly but it seemed like a wonderful opportunity for us to start our married life just the two of us, kind of an extended honeymoon.”  He smiled over to her as he took her hand his ring pressing into her skin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	38. Alex’s Birthday

Their first week of married life flew by rather rapidly.  They were adjusting nicely to living together and enjoying each other’s company.  Alex was so enamored with married life she completely forgot about her birthday at the end of the week.

It was the reason Matt had given everyone he had invited to their party on Saturday.  He told them it was a party for Alex’s birthday but for them not to mention it when they came.  He wasn’t sure his mum would come considering how she felt about Alex.  So when she asked if Emma could stay the week he knew that would guarantee her arrival.  She would have to bring Emma home.

In the morning of her birthday he makes her breakfast in bed complete with roses, multi colored just like her wedding bouquet.  “Oh darling these are beautiful.  Are we celebrating our anniversary?”

He gives her a curious look.  “One week.”  She says.  “We’ve been married one week today.”

He laughs because he had been so focused on her birthday and the party it hadn’t occurred to him that this was indeed their anniversary.  Sitting next to her on the bed he plucks one of the roses from the vase stroking her cheek and down the nape of her neck.  “Actually no but Happy Anniversary anyways.”  He leans in kissing her soundly.

When they part it’s her turn to give him a curious look.  “Then why?”

Shaking his head he can’t stop laughing.  “You really don’t remember do you?”

“No, what?”  She shoves at his shoulder.

“Kingston, it’s your birthday!”

Her eyes go wide.  “My birthday……”  He can see her mind thinking.  “Oh my god it is!”  She buries her face in her hands.

“Hey what is that about?”  He pulls her hands away revealing a sad face.

“Matt, when you get to be past a certain age your birthday is no longer the joyous event it once was in youth.”  She rubs at her fingers as she speaks.

“Well that’s just rubbish!”  He announces.  “Because I think that the day that Alex Kingston was born should be celebrated by one and all in the kingdom!”  She laughs at his exuberance. 

He manages to keep her spirits high throughout the day not letting her dwell on the number that is her age but the joy of being alive another year.  He shoos her from the kitchen as he begins to prepare her special birthday dinner.  She is happily ensconced on the sofa with her tea in one hand and the remote in the other when the doorbell rings.  “Alex can you get that?  I’m ….I’m well I can’t answer the door right now.”

She shakes her head wondering what kind of mess he has gotten himself into this time.  When she opens the door she is surprised to see her daughter smiling back at her.  “Happy Birthday Mum!”  She bounces in giving her mum a big hug.

“Salome!  I wasn’t expecting to get to see you today.  You said you had a big project you had to get done so you could come to the party tomorrow.”  She eyes her with motherly concern.

“Yeah, well I might have fibbed a bit on the phone earlier.  Matty wanted it to be a surprise.  So surprise!”  She gave her mum another hug.

“Did I hear my name?”  Matt slipped into the room behind them.

“Matty!”  Salome rushed over to hug him as well.  “Or should I say step-dad?”

His face went red thinking how he really was her step-dad now.  “Yeah, I suppose I am aren’t I?  Of course, I’ve always liked when you called me Matty.”

“And I’ve always liked when you called me Poppet……but not in front of others, ok?”  She gave him a serious look that scarily reminded him of Alex when she was cross at him.

He coughed.  “Yes, of course……Poppet!”

“So you planned all this?”  Alex was looking at him with a mixture of love and surprise.

Stepping closer to her he wrapped his arm around her.  “Of course.  I knew you would want Salome here for your special day.  I just wish Emma were here so we could have the whole family together.”  Alex’s eyes began to mist at the thought that this was her family now, _her_ family.  Too choked up to say anything she leaned over thanking him with a kiss.

Salome was on the sofa when they came into the lounge.  “Mum come here I have something for you.  You too, Matty.”  They sat down on either side of her as she had directed.  Salome then handed her the gift bag she had managed to sneak past Alex.

“What is this?”  Alex asked.

“Open it silly……it’s a birthday and sort of wedding present rolled in one.”

Quite curious now she reached into the bag pulling out a photo album.  Opening to the first page is a picture of her and Matt standing under the stained glass window at the registry office shortly after they were married.  “Oh sweetheart!  I had nearly forgotten about all the pictures you took that day.  Is that what this is, a wedding album?”

“Well mostly, but it’s really a family album.”  She looks at her curiously.  “Just keep looking, you’ll understand.”  There were pages and pages from the wedding, some from the ceremony itself.  The last one of their wedding was the picture of their hands resting over each other’s showing off their rings. 

The next several pages were pictures from Emma’s first birthday.  “Oh poppet, these are wonderful.”  Matt was starting to get a little misty as he thought about how much he missed his baby girl.  The last set of pictures had been taken the day they had moved her into her dorm at Oxford.  Both were reminded that she’s not a little girl anymore.  When they were finished both Matt and Alex had to wipe at their eyes.

“Oh Mausi, this was a wonderful present.  Thank you.”  She pulls her daughter into a tight hug.

Matt wraps his long arms around the both of them.  “Thank you poppet.  It’s a beautiful present.”  Quietly he slips back into the kitchen to complete the dinner preparations.

Shortly thereafter he announces that dinner is served.  Salome is impressed with Matt’s cooking skills.  “Yes, Matt is becoming quite the chef.”

“I still don’t hold a candle to your cooking Kingston but I would welcome your tutelage.”  He bows slightly offering his hand.

She takes his hand.  “I would be happy to have you to cook with.” 

“Ok, enough!”  Salome yelps.  They both look at her not understanding what the problem is.  “Seriously, you guys are sickening sweet.”  They both shrug their shoulders laughing at her before leaning in for a kiss.  “Really?  Are you going to be doing that all the time?”

“Possibly.”  Says Matt.

“Absolutely.”  Says Alex.

Salome rolled her eyes at them trying to pretend that it really bothered her but truthfully she was so happy for her mum she could burst.  Her mum looked so happy, happier than she ever remembered seeing her.  How could she begrudge her that?

“Present time!”  Matt announced.

“Oh darling you shouldn’t have.”  Alex began to protest.

“Of course I should Kingston.  It’s your birthday.  One of the most important days of the year!”  She rolled her eyes at him.  “Don’t roll your eyes at me woman or I just might take your presents back.”

She looked bashful mouthing to him a ‘sorry’.

“That’s better.  Now this one is from Emma.  She’s sorry she can’t be here in person to give it to you but she promises to make it up to you tomorrow.”  Alex smiles brightly wondering what it could be.  When she opens the package she is stunned.   He’s watching her closely as she pulls it from the box.  Her hand is shaking as she looks at the framed picture of her and Emma.  At the top it says ‘I love mommy’.   “Alex, is this alright?”  He was beginning to worry that he had presumed too much.

Looking at him over the frame her bottom lip is quivering and she looks like she’s going to burst into tears at any moment.  “Do you really mean it?”  She asks, her voice quiet, nervous.  “You want me to be her mum?”

He leans in putting his arms around her.  “Yes, I do.  You are.”  She continues to look at him trying to decide whether to cry or not.  Not sure how to read her expression, he adds, “If that is what you want.”

She flings her arms around him pulling him tightly to her.  “Yes, yes I do.”  When she pulls back there are tears streaming down her face.  “I…I didn’t….I wasn’t sure….I….”  She flings herself at him again holding on tight letting the tears fall onto his shoulder.

When she pulls back this time she is in a little more control.  “You ok, love?”  He asks wiping at the tears on her cheeks.  She nods still not quite able to speak. 

She looks over to Salome who seems to be trying not to laugh.  Seeing Salome holding back her laughter helped her recover.  “Don’t you be laughing at me missy!”  She admonishes.  Salome giggles at her while going to look for the tissue box.

Matt strokes her cheek.  “Alex, I know we haven’t talked about this but of course I want you to be Emma’s mother but only if that is what you want too.”

Laying her hand on his cheek, “Matt I would be so honored to be Emma’s mother.  To raise her with you would be such a blessing.”  He pulls her to him resting his head against her forehead.  “I love you.”  He whispers just for her to hear.

“I love you too and Emma, so much.”  They hold on to each other until they hear Salome rustling beside them.

Without looking away he reaches out for Salome pulling her into their embrace.  “and I love Salome too, so very much.”  This sets off a new set of tears for Alex but this time Salome joins in.  It takes them all several minutes and many tissues to be ready for the next present.

It’s a small, long package wrapped delicately with an elaborate bow.  She suspects he didn’t wrap it himself.  “Now this present kinda goes with the other one so at the risk of more tears Happy Birthday Alex.”  He kisses her gently before placing it in her hands.

She carefully removes the ribbon and unfolds the wrapping wondering what it could be.  She removes the black lid from the box to reveal a diamond necklace.  It is a drop style with four stones of different sizes.  “Oh my god Matt!  This is too extravagant.”  She stares at the gorgeous necklace hardly believing that he got it just for her.

“Oh there is no such thing when it comes to you Alex.”  His finger strokes over the stones.  “Do you see how there are four stones of different sizes?”  She nods.  “That’s one for each of us.”  Her eyes go wide.  “The smallest one is baby Emma, then Salome.”  He points to the next.  “Then you and me.  Our family.” 

She’s trying not to cry again but she just can’t help it.  “Oh Matt, it’s beautiful.  You are the sweetest man ever.”  She places a hand on each side of his face pulling him towards her to properly kiss him.”

When he pulls back he is grinning widely.  “So I done good?” 

She smacks his shoulder, “Yes, you impossible man.  You done good.”

“May I put it on you?”  He inquires.

“Yes, please.”  She hands him the box, her hands are still shaking.

He lifts it out of the box and places it around her neck where it lies right below her clavicle.  “Gorgeous!”  He sighs as he looks at her.

“Let me see.”  She pops up running over to the mirror in the entrance.  Salome and Matt follow her watching her look at the necklace in the mirror.  This necklace that is so much more than a necklace; it represents their newly formed family.  “Oh Matt, this is absolutely gorgeous.”

“That because you’re wearing it Alex.  You make everything gorgeous!”  She blushes and Salome pretends to be ill.

“Ok, I can’t take anymore sappiness.  Can we eat cake now?”  Salome whines.

“There’s cake too?”  Alex sputtered.

Matt retorted, “Well of course there’s cake.  What kind of birthday would it be without cake?”  He kissed Alex’s cheek then grabbed Salome’s hand.  “Alright you, come help me with the cake.”  He dragged her into the kitchen where they lit the candles.  They had only put five candles on the cake but it bathed their faces in candlelight as they carried it into the dining area singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

Alex couldn’t stop from grinning at the sight of Matt and her daughter side by side singing to her.  Determined that there would be no more tears she made her wish and blew out her candles.  Salome eagerly removed the candles and sliced a generous piece for each of them.  “Salome, my goodness I can’t eat all that.”

“Yes, you can Kingston.  It’s your birthday; calories don’t count on your birthday.”  He said around a forkful. 

“Oh my god this is so good.”  She marveled.  Matt looked over to Salome who high fived him.

When they finished their cake Salome could not hold back any longer.  “So Matty is it time yet?”  She looked at him like she was going to burst if she had to wait a moment longer.

“Yes, poppet.  I think it’s time.”  He smiled at her.

Alex looked confused.  “Time for what?  Oh you two aren’t going to drag me out to do something embarrassing are you?”

Laughing at her, “No, but I shall keep that in mind for next year!”  She groaned as she rolled her eyes at him.  “Salome and I have something to show you.”

“Ok.”  She still sounded nervous not really sure what the two of them could have gotten up to together.

He holds her hand out to her, “Trust me?”

She smiles at him taking his hand.  “Always!”  He smiles back.

He walks her into Emma’s bedroom.  In the dark the ceiling shown bright showing off stars, planets and other otherworldy orbs against the colors of the Medusa Cascade.  “I do love this ceiling.  It really does make me feel like I’ve traveled on the TARDIS.”

“I know what you mean.”  He says from right next to her.  “But that’s not why we’re here.  Salome.”  Salome turns on the light.  It takes her eyes a moment to adjust but then she sees it over the changing table.  Painted on the wall is the TARDIS with Matt’s Doctor reaching out to catch River Song who is flying through space. 

Her hand flies to her mouth.  “Oh Matt!  You put me on the wall…… I mean River on the wall.” 

“I think you had it right the first time.”  He takes her hand twining his fingers through hers as they look at the newest mural.  “It didn’t seem right not to have you here.”

“Do you like it mummy?”  Salome asked from her other side.

She nods.  “I do.  I just wasn’t expecting it is all.  This has been a day of surprises that’s for sure.”  She wraps her arm around her daughter’s shoulder pulling her close.

“Well tomorrow you get to be the one giving the surprises!”  She tells her mum.  Her mum laughs as she pulls them both close to her just so grateful for her daughter and her husband….and her new daughter who will be coming home tomorrow.

“Oh there’s one last thing.”

“Oh Salome, I don’t think I can take anymore.  Really you guys outdid yourself.”  She looks over to Matt who shrugs his hands not sure what Salome’s talking about.

“Well this is one that Cornwall wanted to add.  He said you two would know why.  He wouldn’t tell me though.”

“Ok, you’ve got me curious.  What is it?”  Matt asked.

She took them over to the interior TARDIS mural and pointed to the monitor over the console.  Hanging from the monitor were River’s red high heels.  They both burst out laughing. 

“Why is a pair of red high heels so funny?”  Salome asked.

“Because I kept stealing them from her.  Every time she would sit them down somewhere I would sneak behind her and take them.  It drove her nuts.”  Matt guffawed.

“Yes, you were quite the prankster dear stealing my shoes.  I think you eventually kept them at the end of the episode didn’t you?”  His face reddened all the way to his ears.

“Matty, why would you want high heels?”  Salome gave him a stern look.

He choked.  “Well they weren’t just high heels they were River’s high heels.  More importantly they were the high heels your mum wore when I first knew I loved her.”

Alex and Salome both gasped at the same time.  “Darling, you couldn’t of.  We barely knew each other then.”

He takes her hands in his.  “Alex I’ve known that I’ve loved you from the minute I laid eyes on you.  You were imprinted into my heart never to leave it.  It just took me a long time to get around to telling you.”

“Oh my god Matt!  It all makes so much more sense now.  Why did I never see it before?”  She looks up in his beautiful hazel eyes seeing only love realizing it had always been there if she had only really looked. 

As they are standing there gazing into each other’s eyes Salome decides that is her cue to leave.  “Ok, so I think it’s time for me to get going.”  She announces a bit louder than necessary to get their attention.

“Oh sweetheart it’s so late for you to be out driving.”  Her mum worries.

“Mum, I’ll be fine.”  Salome argues.

Matt intervened.  “You know I have to agree with your mum.  Why don’t you just stay here in your room?”  

Salome’s eyes went wide.  “I have a room?” 

“Well of course you have a room.  Now it needs a little work.  Might need to get a few things out of it that I might have been storing in there and it could probably use a new coat of paint…..possibly purple not sure.  What do you think?”  Matt turned to Salome.

“Oh Matty.”  She flung her arms around his neck giving him the biggest hug. This time it was Salome who was crying.

“Poppet, what’s the matter?”  Matt looks concerned as he spots the tears.

“Nothings wrong……I ….I …it’s just having a room here makes me feel part of your family.”  She eeaks out between tears.

He pulls her tighter to his chest.  “You silly poppet.  You were always a part of my family.”  He kisses the top of her head.  “Always.”  Alex’s heart could burst seeing Matt embrace Salome into his family as if she had always been there.  Thinking back on their lives so long ago it occurs to her that he always cared about Salome, including her in things when she was in town or when he was in LA.  Looking at them now she is so incredibly happy.  She swiftly gathers her arms around them both grinning at them when their arms embrace her as well.

He kisses them both on the cheek before Alex leads Salome upstairs to get her settled.  Smiling as he cleans up from the birthday he is so grateful to have Alex and Salome in his life.  He’s glad she liked her presents.  Taking a deep breath he can’t wait for tomorrow.  Emma will be back, they will tell their friends and family that they are married, and their family will be complete.

Lost in his happy thoughts of his newly-formed family he is surprised when he feels Alex’s arms slip around his waist as she presses against his back.  His hands instinctively cover hers as he leans into her.  Turning his head he tries to catch sight of her but she has her cheek pressed into his back as she holds him close.  Loosening her grip he turns in her arms.  When she raises her head to look into his eyes her radiant smile reveals just how happy she is in this moment.

Sliding her hands up his back she pulls him down to her kissing him passionately.  When they part both of their lips looked well kissed and they are sporting matching grins.  “I love you….in case I haven’t said it lately.”  She finally says to him.

“I believe you have but I will never tire hearing you say it.”  He leans in, his lips pressing gently against hers again. 

“Then I shall make it my mission to say it as often as possible.”  His hand grazes her cheek as it slips down her neck.  He fingers the stones on her pendent thinking of how gorgeous it looks on her.  “Oh Matt, thank you for all of my presents.  I…I..I’m just overwhelmed by them all……and you.”  He smirks at her as his fingers fall below the pendent tracing the outline of her dress next to her cleavage.  “Emma…..that you want me to be her mother.  I am just blown away.”  His hands divert over the fabric of her dress resting onto her shoulder.

Softly he says, “Alex, I’ve always wanted to raise a child with you.  It was a dream I had when we were together before.  At the time I did not think it would be possible, so I never said anything.  I knew how much it would hurt you.”  Her eyes dulled as she dropped her gaze to his chest trying to hide how inadequate she felt.  His fingers found her chin raising her eyes back to his.  “Hey, hey don’t go there.  We’re here now.  We have Emma and Salome.  We can still be parents together…………..if that’s what you want?”

A thin tear streaks down her cheek.  “Oh Matt, I have always wanted a child with you…….always.  It was one of the reasons……”  She started to bring up their break up but she didn’t want to go there, not now.   She smiled a smile that he could see danced in her eyes at him.  “I love Emma, as if she was my own child.  She is your child and that is all I needed to know.  Of course I want to raise her with you as her parents.”  He beamed back at her.  “And I am so grateful that you have accepted Salome as your family as well.”

Matt chuckles at her, taking a moment to slide his finger down the center of her face over her nose and past her chin.  “Silly Kingston, she was always my family……..just as you were.  Even when you were far away.”  He tightens his hold on her pressing his cheek to hers keeping her close.  “Always.”  They seem to be swaying to a song only the two of them can hear.  She thinks it might be the song their hearts make when they beat in rhythm together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


	39. Wedding Party

He wakes to the feel of her lips across his back and her fingers lightly scratching his chest.  He smiles as her curls tickle him and his hand reaches for her.  When her hand moves lower grazing his morning erection he grasps her hand in his.  “Alex we can’t.”  He says in a hushed tone.

Peering over his shoulder she looks at him with wide eyes.  “And why not?”

He rolls onto his back taking her in his arms, “Because Salome is upstairs.”

She blinks at him trying to understand his words.  “So are you saying we can’t make love because my daughter is in the house?”

He fidgets under her steely gaze.  “Well, it’s just…she might hear us…or come in.”

She laughs at him.  “Darling, she is not going to come in I can promise you that.  And I can be quiet…”  He gave her a look of disbelief.  “…when I want to be.”  She added.  Looking decidedly nervous she asked, “So does that include when your daughter is here too?”

“What!?!”  His head was moving side to side as if he was saying no.

Pushing off his chest she begins to sit up, “Because if we can’t make love when either of our daughters are in the house that’s going to seriously limit us.”  She gave him an all knowing look.

He pounced on her throwing her back on the bed and slotting his body against hers.  “I don’t know what I was thinking.  If you and I are in the same bed then lovemaking should definitely be happening.”

She leans up kissing him passionately.  “I thought you might see things my way, darling.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they finally moved from their bed several hours later and shuffled to the kitchen they found a note from Salome.  She had headed back to her dorm stating that she did have some school work that required her attention but she would see them tonight.

They wanted to enjoy this last day of their honeymoon.  Emma would be back later.  They both had missed her terribly but they also understood that with a toddler running about that their opportunities for alone time would be greatly diminished.

Throughout their leisurely breakfast they exchanged kisses with the bites of food they shared.  After their late breakfast they enjoyed each other again before beginning to prepare for the party.  As Alex was defogging the mirror she asked, “Darling what time is Emma due back?”

He popped back into the en suite from his closet.  “Mum said they would leave after lunch when Emma usually naps.  They expect to be here by 4.”  Looking over to the clock she noted that gave them about an hour and a half. 

She was trying not to show her nerves but announcing that they were married to family and friends was a big deal.  Without a doubt she was most concerned about Lynne’s reaction.  As she massaged Moroccan oil into her hair she replayed her conversation with Lynne in her head.  Lynne had liked her when they had been together before.  She remembered her exact words.  _“I used to like you.  You made my son happy.  I would like to again.  Make my son happy again.”_   Looking right she watches him as he shaves on his side of the vanity.  His chin juts out as he shaves over it and she can’t help but smirk. 

He sees her watching him in the mirror and turns to her, “What?”

A smile transforms her face as she takes the few steps to be next to him.  “Oh nothing darling.  I was just admiring your chin.”  Her forefinger tracing the edge of his chin.

“Alex no one admires my chin!”  He admonishes her.

“Well it’s a good thing I’m not just anyone.”  She leans in kissing him on said chin.  When she pulls back there are dots of shaving cream on her cheek.  Reaching for her he brushes them away.  ‘Love you’ he mouths to her.  ‘Love you more’ she mouths back to him before resuming her preparations on her side of the vanity.

She nervously eyes the clock as he is buttoning up the crystal buttons at the back of her dress.  Next to her ear he whispers, “I much preferred when I was unbuttoning this dress.”  She instantly blushes remembering their first night together just over a week ago.

The last button done he turns her wrapping his arms around her.  As she smooths his tie and lapel she  remembers how dashing he looked at the end of the aisle waiting for her.  Her eyes seek out his before she presses her lips to his.  In an instant their mouths part and their tongues twine together.  They both crave the taste of the other as much as the air that they breathe until the sound of the doorbell startles them apart.  Gathering her hands in his he brings them to his lips to gently kiss across her knuckles.  “I love you.”

Staring into his eyes trying to not be nervous she reminds him of the same.  “I love you too, darling.”

The doorbell rings again.  “No one else matters Alex.  I only care about you and me, our family.”  She knows he means it.  She just hopes Lynne can accept her in Matt’s life again because no matter what he says she also knows her opinion is important to him.  With one last kiss he takes her hand as they head for the door, together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Mum!  Dad!”  He shouts as he opens the door but his eyes are looking only at his daughter.  He immediately plucks her from his mum’s arms cradling her to his chest.  Taking a long sniff he lets her baby scent wash over him reminding him that his baby is home.  As he busies himself with kissing her all over Alex welcomes them in from the cold. 

“Lynne, David I hope the trip was pleasant.”  She gathers Emma’s bags from David’s hands.  They both seem a little surprised that she is here so early since the party isn’t until 6.  “Come in to the lounge.  I’ll get you some tea.”  They all look in Matt’s direction but he is in his own private Emma world to notice.    “I think he may be busy for a bit.  He has been missing her dreadfully.  Let me drop these in her room and I’ll get the tea ready.”

“If you don’t mind I need to freshen up a bit first.”  Lynne then heads to the washroom.

“Yes and I need to ah….. see something in the back garden.”  As David heads to the back of the flat she smirks knowing he is hoping to sneak a smoke before Lynne comes back.

After dropping Emma’s bags in her room she comes over to where she and Matt are still standing.  She wraps her arms around them both leaning in to give her kisses on her cheek.  Smiling up at her Emma grabs onto her hair trying to get it to her mouth.  “Now, now Emma don’t be eating mummy’s hair.”

Alex’s eyes go wide and her breath hitches when he calls her Emma’s mum for the first time.  She feels his arms go around her waist as he pulls her close.  Looking up at him she has never seen such an enormous smile on his face.  “My girls.”  He says before giving them each a kiss.  She is sure she has an equally large smile on her own face.

Hearing the washroom door she remembers she still needs to make the tea.  “Darling you two catch up.  I’m going to go make tea.  With another kiss for each of them she heads to the kitchen just before Lynne does.

The kettle on, she arranges Matt’s nicer tea set on a tray.  She can feel Lynne’s eyes watching her every move.  Turning in Lynne’s direction she asks, “Did you have a nice time with Emma this week?”

Despite the many questions going through her head at that moment she cannot pass up an opportunity to talk about her grandbaby.  Lynne tells her about the many things they had done this week as she completes the preparations of the tea.  Just as she is carrying it into the lounge David slips back in from the outside.  Lynne gives him a knowing look but he pretends not to notice.

Alex is a little nervous that Matt hasn’t yet come to join them.  She is not quite ready to be alone with Matt’s parents and is deathly afraid of what questions they might ask.  “Alex, that is a beautiful dress.”  Lynne says as she blows over her tea.

Remembering why she bought it she blushes a little as she thanks her.  “Thank you Lynne.  It’s very special to me.”

Looking down at her traveling clothes, “We’ll get changed after we have our tea.  We didn’t want to sit in the car for hours in fancy dress.”

“I completely understand.  No worries, there is still plenty of time.”  She again looks in the direction of Emma’s bedroom wondering when Matt was going to get in here.  Being the mind reader that he is; he waltzes in with Emma’s arms locked around his neck.  The sight of them melts her heart as it seems she has missed him as much as he missed her.

He drops onto the sofa between his mum and Alex.  “So what did you guys get up to this week?  Emma’s not telling me a thing!”  He faces his mum after Alex hands him his tea.

“Oh a bit of this and a bit of that.  Your grandfather tried to sneak her off to the pub one afternoon but I caught him as he was putting on her coat.”

Matt snickered picturing his granddad trying to wrestle Emma into her winter coat.  “So what was his plan, use her to pick up birds?” 

David nearly snorted out his tea.  “You know that probably _was_ his plan.”  Lynn pretends not to hear them instead she looks around Matt noticing Alex’s diamond necklace.

“Alex, what a gorgeous necklace.”  She leans around Matt to get a better look.  “That is just stunning.”

Alex fingers the necklace against her clavicle and smiles.  “I think so.  It was my birthday present from Matt.”  She smiles at him knowing its symbolic meaning to their family.

Lynne takes in the looks passing between the two of them.  “Matt does have excellent taste.”  Is all she says.  As soon as their tea is finished she jumps up announcing she needs to get ready for the party.  “Matt, can you carry my bag up to the guest room for me?”

Alex saw right through that ruse, knowing Lynne wanted to ask him about their relationship.  Luckily at that same moment the caterers arrived and Alex needed to oversee the party preparations while Matt talked with his mum. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As soon as Matt dropped her bag onto the bed her questions began.  “So it looks as if you and Alex have decided to try again.  Am I right?”

He was trying not to look at her because he knew she could see right through him.  “Yes mum, we have.”  He walked over to the window pretending to show Emma something outside of it.

“Are you sure about this?  Last time………”  Lynne wasn’t sure how to finish that sentence.  She wanted him to be happy.  If Alex Kingston made him truly happy that was all she could hope for.  But she couldn’t erase the sight of her broken-hearted son when she hurt him so badly before.

Turning from the window he saw the worry on her face and he knew she was only asking because she loved him.  “Mum, we have been through a lot this past year.  We’ve worked through the pain and the doubts and we are ready to build something new.  Give her a chance Mum.  I think you’ll see how happy she makes me…”  He looks down at Emma.  “…and my daughter.”

Walking over to where he and Emma are looking out the window she cups his face with her palm turning him to face her.  “You know I just want you to be happy don’t you?”

“She makes me happy mum.”  She takes in the sight of his beaming face and she can tell he believes it.

After several moments of studying his face she responds, “Then I wish you both well.”

He seems surprised but chooses not to question it.  Bringing his arm around her he hugs her and Emma.  “Thank you Mum, that means the world to me ……and Alex.”

She then shoos him out of the room so she can get ready reminding him to send his dad up in about fifteen minutes so he can get ready himself.   When he comes back downstairs he immediately looks for Alex pulling her in for a long snog.  When she gives him a questioning look he just smiles.  “I love you.”

“I love you.  Should I be worried what this is about?”  He notices her biting on her bottom lip and slides his thumb over it to stop her.

“No, no more worries Mrs. Smith.”  She looks around to make sure the caterers or David didn’t hear them.  “I am so looking forward to our party.”  He leans in kissing her again, something she will never refuse.  She knows he’ll tell her later about his conversation with his mum.  For now she is just happy that he is happy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before long the guests start arriving.  Karen is the first to arrive.  As soon as she has a drink in her hand she pulls Matt into Emma’s bedroom.  “So……?”

“So what?  Honestly Kaz I’m not a mind-reader.”  He tries to deflect her inquiry.

“So you are throwing a birthday party for Alex.  What does that mean?”

“It means I wanted to have a birthday party for Alex.”

“Yes, but as her friend or something more?  Because you two have been spending a lot of time together.”

Karen is as hard to fool as his mum and there is also the added threat of physical retaliation when she finds out the truth.  “Look you have been there for me through…..my god everything.  From our first day on Who together, and then holding me when Alex left, and just everything with Emma.  Before I say this I need you to know that I really want your support in this too.”  She nods.  He takes a deep breath before he blurts, “Alex and I have decided to try again.”

The Scottish screech causes him to nearly go deaf and Emma to start to whimper.  “It’s ok Emma.  Auntie Karen doesn’t know the power of her lungs!”  He glares at her for upsetting his daughter.

Coming closer to Emma she tries to soothe her.  “I’m sorry Emma.  I was just so excited.”  Turning to him.  “Really?  Are you sure this time?  Is she?”

“Yes.  We are.  I don’t want to go into it right now but you’re going to have to trust me that we have worked this out.  We are very happy.”

She could see how happy he was and she was elated for him and Alex.  “You know I always hoped you two could be together again, don’t you?”

“You are such a romantic Kaz.  Does Arthur know that about you?”  He teases; she blushes.

“Does Arthur know what about her?  Oh I hope it’s embarrassing.  Please tell me it’s something I can mock her endlessly about?”  Arthur came striding into the bedroom while Karen tried very hard not to look at him.

Matt walks around Karen to give her a minute to gather herself but smirks to himself at what she unknowingly revealed.  “Hey Darvill you made it.”  He gives him a one armed hug.

“Well I couldn’t miss an opportunity to celebrate my daughter and former flatmate’s birthday.  Isn’t that right mum?”  He is starting to wonder why Karen hasn’t greeted him yet.

Composed she turns to face him with a bright smile on.  “Yes, of course dad.  We couldn’t miss our baby’s birthday.  Let’s go find her and wish her a Happy Birthday from her parents.”  She takes Arthur’s arm leading him from the bedroom. 

Matt looks down at Emma smirking again.  “I think maybe your Auntie Karen fancies your Uncle Arthur.  What do you think princess?”  Emma began babbling to him as if in agreement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He was almost out of Emma’s room when Laura caught up with him.  “There you are!  I was wondering where you were hiding my niece.”  She plucks Emma from his arms holding her out to admire her outfit.  “Lovely dress you are wearing today Emma.  You obviously know people with exquisite taste.”

He makes a face at his sister knowing she bought that dress for her on their recent outing.  “Hey Lor glad you could come.”  He swings his arm around her steering her back to the party.

“Now hang on there little bro…”  He makes another face at her endearment for him.  “Not so fast.  I’d like to know why you are having a party for Alex’s birthday?”

He throws up his hands in exasperation.  “You and everybody else!  Look I would like to get back to the party.  I’ll talk to you about this later…..I promise.”  He adds the last part when she gives him her sisterly look.

“Ok, but I’m going to hold you to it.”  When he tries to take Emma back she pulls away.  “No, no.  I hardly ever get to see Emma.  We are going to do some girl bonding.”  When he leaves the bedroom with his arms empty he seeks out Alex to fill them.

Coming back into the lounge he is met by Harry who already has a half empty lager in his hand.  “Hey there mate, when did you get here?”  He gives him a one armed hug.

“Arthur and I walked in together.  I’ve been wondering where you have been.  Alex said Karen had you cornered.”

“Yeah, she knew something was up.  She’s a little persistent that one.”  His face crinkled up in a smile.

Leaning into him Harry whispered, “Did you tell her?”

“Only part of the truth.  The rest she’ll have to find out with everyone else.”  Now Matt leans into Harry.  “Then I might need your protection.”  Harry laughed heartily at him.  He knew how fierce Karen could be.  When the three of them helped Matt through his break up Harry got to know her rather well.  There was one thing he was sure of in this life he didn’t want to be on the other side from Karen on anything.

Harry holds up his hands in protest.  “Sorry there mate – you’re on your own with that one.  I value my life too much.”

“Wus!”

“Says the man asking for my protection!” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry was saved from his retort by the arrival of Alex’s parents, her sister and her husband.  “Sorry mate need to go.”  Within moments he was beside Alex’s side as she greeted them.  “Mr. and Mrs. Kingston I am so glad you were able to make it.”  He kisses her mum’s cheek and shakes her dad’s hand.

“Now Matt you know are names are Margarethe and Anthony.”  Her mum says to Matt.  He blushes then looks to Alex wondering if she has told them already.  She gives nothing away.

“Yes, of course.  It’s so lovely to see you again, Margarethe.”

Alex strokes his arm getting his attention.  “Matt, you know Nicola but I don’t think you have met her husband Michael.”  She introduces.

He shakes Michael’s hand.  “No, I don’t believe we have had the pleasure.  Nice to finally meet you.”  He turns to Nicola.  “Am I still your favorite Doctor even though I can’t give you spoilers anymore?”

She smacks him on his shoulder.  “Oh pish, like you ever told me anything anyways!  Besides we all know Alex is the one who actually knew what was going on.”  His face reddens with the knowledge that that was so true.

Alex wrapped her hand around her sister’s arm steering her in the direction of the bar setup.  “Let’s get you a drink.”

Matt tried to think of something to say to Alex’s dad when he remembered his love of trains.  “So how is your model train setup coming?”

Delight sparked in Anthony’s eyes as he began talking about his favorite hobby.  “Oh you remember that, do you?”  Matt nodded.  “Well I’ve managed to take over the entire attic.  I don’t think Margarethe minds, too much.”

“I’m sure Emma would love to see it when we come to visit.”  Anthony at first seems surprised that he would be visiting with his daughter but as he thinks about it further it makes perfect sense to him. 

He slows them down letting his daughters and wife go on ahead of them.  “So you and my Alexandra?”  Matt squirms as Anthony stares him down.  He wishes he had Emma or Alex in his arms as a buffer right now.  “What are your intentions, son?”

He wishes he could tell him the truth that they are married and he believes they always will be but there will be a proper time for that.  Instead he straightens himself fully to look into Anthony’s eyes and speaks with love and conviction.  “Anthony I love your daughter.  I have loved her since the day I met her and all the time in between.  That will never change.  She is amazing.  We have decided to be together again as a couple.  I want her to be with me always and I believe she wants the same from me.  So my intentions are to love your daughter always.”

Anthony continues to watch him after he finishes talking.  The quiet is starting to unnerve him but he stands his ground feeling like it is some kind of test.  Finally Anthony raises his hand to shake Matt’s.  “You make her happy…..I pray you always will.” 

“Thank you sir.  I intend to.”  They turn to continue on to the bar catching up with Alex who has a worried look on her face.  Matt beams at her and her worries melt away.

Hearing his mum’s laughter from across the room he turns to see her and Alex’s mum deep in conversation.  Occasionally they look in their direction.  ‘Uh oh, that can’t be good.’ 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karen’s shriek coming from the front door diverted his attention from the meddling mums.  Almost to the entranceway he sees that Salome has arrived.  Shouting over his shoulder he calls out to Alex who heads that way as well.  He gets there first wrapping his arms around her, “Hey there Poppet!”  He whispers in her ear so only she hears the endearment.

She’s all smiles as she whispers back “Hey there Dad!”.   He grins at her as he steps back then reaches out bopping her nose playfully.  Alex appears at his side as Salome reaches up to mess with his hair.  She rolls her eyes at how childish they can both be but she secretly loves it.  “Mum, Happy Birthday!”  She says rather loudly before pulling her into a hug then whispers, “and Happy Wedding party.” The three of them share secret smiles knowing what most everyone else in the room does not.  Turning to Matt, “So I have a video and pics on my portable drive.  Can you show me how to hook it up to your telly?”

“Of course, come this way.  I’ll show you.”  Matt drags Salome over to the electronics as Alex makes her rounds through the guests. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hearing the doorbell she heads over to find Jen on her doorstep completely flustered, her wife Sarah fussing behind her.  “Alex, I am so sorry to be so late.  Everything seemed to go wrong at once as we were trying to get out the door.  You haven’t told everybody already have you?”

Alex looked stricken pulling Jen aside admonishing her at her rather loud question.  “No, we haven’t but you almost did!  Now keep your voice down.”

Jen turned three shades of red when she realized that she had almost blown their surprise.  “I am so sorry Alex.”

“It’s ok, let’s go get you guys a drink.  That ought to calm you down.”  She headed them in the direction of the drinks but stopped when she saw her mum and Matt’s mum with Salome cornered between them.  ‘Oh, that can’t be good!’  She started in their direction but the ruckus of voices from the front door diverted her there.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her jaw dropped as she noticed that it was Keeley, Ed, and several more of the ‘Upstairs’ cast and crew members.  “Oh my god!  I didn’t know you were coming!”  She said as she approached them. 

“And miss a chance to wish ‘my lover’ a Happy Birthday?”  Keeley teased her as she kissed her cheek.  “Besides I want to get a chance to check out your boy toy for myself.”

The smile dropped from Alex’s face at her choice of words.  “He’s not a boy toy, Keeley.  He’s my …..”  She wanted to shout ‘husband’ but that isn’t how she wanted to announce their marriage.

Keeley immediately started to apologize when she saw how seriously Alex took her teasing.  “Alex, I am so sorry.  I didn’t mean anything by it, truly.”

Having regained her composure she ushered them in the direction of the drinks, then searched the room for Matt.  She needed him.  There he is talking to Arthur near the buffet setup.  She drinks in the sight of him looking gorgeous in his pale grey suit with matching silk tie.  He looks so happy.  His arms are flailing about as he is talking when he notices her watching him.  Their eyes lock.  Looking at her in the dress that she wore to say ‘I do’ all he can see is how she looked when he slid it off of her on their wedding night.   A secretive smile graces both of their lips relishing in knowing what none of their guests could possibly guess.

Behind her she hears a decidedly Scottish laugh.  She turns around to see Steven and Sue; Steven is definitely smirking at her.  “So Professor Song, I see you and the Doctor are still making eyes at each other!”  Sue smacks him before Alex gets a chance to.  “What?” 

Matt was now next to Alex.  “Steven!  Sue!  So glad you could make it.”  He gives his old boss a hearty handshake and his wife a kiss on the cheek. 

“Well. I could never miss an opportunity to wish the lovely Ms. Kingston a happy birthday.”  He leans into Alex.  “Happy Birthday Alex!  You keep getting younger every year.”  He pecks a kiss to her cheek.

Alex blushes.  “Oh Steven, I see you are still a charmer.  How ever does Sue put up with you?”

“Well it’s a tough job but then somebody has to, now don’t they?”  Sue smirks at Steven before wishing Alex a happy birthday.

“Now let’s get you guys some drinks.  Moff, we even have your favorite scotch on hand.”  Steven’s eyes go wide with delight.  “I thought you might like that.”

After drinks were gotten Alex and Sue head off to talk with the Upstairs cast.  There were quite a few that Sue knew from previous projects.  Without realizing it Steven had maneuvered Matt into an alcove near his study far from most of the guests.  “So I couldn’t help but notice the way Alex was looking at you when I came in.”  He says over a sip of his ancient Scotch.

“Really?  How was that?”  Matt tries to act nonchalant but the tips of his ears turning red gives him away. 

“Oh just the same way River looked at the Doctor when she knew what it was like to be with him.”  He says casually like he isn’t revealing their most precious secret.

Matt begins to choke while sipping his scotch.  “Um, maybe scotch isn’t the drink for me.”  He tries to cover but it unnerves him that Steven has always been able to read him and Alex so much better than they did themselves.  Steven continues to watch him, a small smile curling on his face as if he knows.  “What?”  He looks straight at Steven hoping he isn’t giving anything away.

“Oh nothing!”  Steven chortles as he turns to head back to the party.  After a couple of steps he turns back to Matt, “but it looks good on you, mate!”  Matt is left wondering what, if anything, Steven could know as he hears the party in full swing just a few feet away.  Since most everyone is here he thinks it’s time.  Leaving the scotch on a nearby table he searches out Alex finding her talking with Jen and Harry near the fireplace.  Perfect!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As he approaches them he slides his arm around Alex’s waist.  Whispering in her ear he asks, “So are you ready?”  He feels her body stiffen so he pulls her closer.  “It’s going to be alright love.”  She looks up into his eyes.  “I promise.” 

The feel of his touch and the joy in his eyes help her to believe that it will be alright.  “I’m ready darling.”  She rests her head against his chest drawing strength from him just in case their announcement does not meet with everyone’s approval.  He kisses her temple before she stands beside him.  Jen has taken her place next to Alex and Harry next to Matt.  She can’t help but remember them standing in these same positions, wearing these same clothes only a week ago.  The memory broadens her smile until it takes over her entire being.  Before he can begin she pushes up on her tip toes to whisper to him.  “Only our family matters.”

The look he gives her is of such pure love.  “Only our family.”  He echoes.  Holding her hand tightly he turns to the crowd asking for their attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Alex and I wanted to thank everyone for coming to celebrate one of the most important days of the year.”  He raises a flute of champagne.  _Where did he get that?_   She wonders.  “As I told Alex just yesterday, her birthday should be celebrated by one and all in the kingdom!”  Laughter then surrounds them.

“To Alex!”  She hears from the room as Jen pushes a flute of champagne into her free hand.  They all take a sip.

He looks over to her nervously before continuing.  “But that isn’t the only reason we asked you here today.”  His palms are starting to sweat so her hand tightens around his letting him know she is right here and always will be.  “You see the thing is I asked Alex to marry me …………….and she said yes!”  The room erupted in murmurs. 

Before anyone could say anything Alex spoke up.  “Now hold on there Matt.”  She turned to face him their hands still holding tightly.  “The way I remember it I asked _you_ to marry _me_ …………and _you_ said yes!”

His face turned red as he remembered their proposals to one another and how precious the words they had spoken were to each other.  “Ah, got me again!”  They could both hear their family and friends around them murmuring to each other regarding their announcement but they only had eyes for the other.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as friends and family start to congratulate them Matt pipes up, “Hold on Alex, aren’t you forgetting something?”

“Am I?”  She responds coyly.

He has her hand in his.  “Oh yes, I think you are forgetting when I held your hand just like this.  I then pledged to love and honor you from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.”  They hear gasps from their family and friends.  He pulls her engagement/wedding ring from his pocket placing it on her finger.  Bringing her hand to his lips he kisses them.

“Oh yes, I remember now.  I seem to recall that I pledged to love and honor _you_ from this day forward.  That I would never doubt your love for me again, and that I will love you with my dying breath.” She slips her free hand into his jacket pocket retrieving his engagement/wedding ring and slipping it on his finger.  At this point they’re smiling like idiots at each other. 

On the flat screen over the fireplace the video that Salome made of their wedding begins showing them taking their vows.  They move back along with Jen and Harry to watch it with all of their family and friends.

Despite herself Lynne sheds a tear watching her baby getting married.  He looks so happy.  That’s all she ever wanted for him…was to be happy.  Tearing her eyes from the screen she watches him as he holds Alex close to him while watching with everyone else.  She’s never seen him smile so broadly before.  Brushing away the tears her heart dances knowing he will be happy and cared for.  Alex will take care of him this time; she is sure of it.

As the video ends Harry pipes up “Kiss the bride!”

They don’t hesitate another moment as he pulls her close capturing her lips in his.  The party around them erupts in whoops and hollers as family and friends vie to wish them their best happiness.

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is with mixed feelings that I post this last chapter. I am so happy for the joy that Matt and Alex have found in their second chance. I will however be sad not to live in their world with them each day and to have the joy of reading all of your reactions.  
> Whether you were happy with the story, or mad as hell at me for it it has been quite the journey to get to know you. I will miss you all terribly. I suppose that should be my incentive to get working on more stories!  
> I hope you have enjoyed the finale and this long (yeah it did get a bit out of hand, didn't it?) tale of how second chances can be had if you want them badly enough.

**Author's Note:**

> For the many writers of Mattex you may notice elements of the story that have been lovingly “borrowed” from your own stories. As they were all beautifully written and immediately became head canon they just naturally became part of Matt and Alex’s story. I sincerely hope you don’t mind and that you see them as the homage that they are.  
> ChiefDoctor  
> This story in no way depicts real life events to the characters represented within. Its fiction!


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